Waiting till DC are older to tell them this?

[PumpkinP]

Just want to know what people though on this situation. I have 4 children with my ex. He is absent and has been for a few years (this is his choice). Anyway he has an older son who he also doesn’t have contact with. He always told me the mother had stopped contact and in my defence I was young and naive when I met him and he was my first relationship, so I took his word for it. I now realise that probably wasn’t the case since he now doesn’t bother with my children either.

I was never allowed to speak about his child as he didn’t want me to, said it was too painful so we never really spoke about him (ex was abusive). Anyway at the time we were together I never told the children about this half sibling. I was reading something the other day which got me thinking about my children not knowing about their half sibling. I decided it would be best to tell them once they are older (adults probably) as my children (daughter especially) already struggles with not having a dad, it really effecting her. It seems pointless telling them as nothing will come of it and just seems like it will do more harm than good.

Just want to know if am doing the right thing waiting till They are older to speak about it? Has anyone been in this situation or a similar situation and have any advice?

It won't cause any upset. Just curiosity. Be factual and unemotional. Slip it into the conversation...."You have a half sister too" if you see something on TV or whatever...in a book maybe.

Then explain that Daddy didn't keep in contact with them but one day, when they're all grown up, they can meet.

How old is DD?

I grew up without my father, my mum would barely speak about him. When I was a teen I met him and found out I had four older brothers and sisters. It was really shocking as they knew all about me and my brother and even had pictures of us as babies with them. Due to my mum and dads age gap, two of them even had children older than me. Fast forward a few years, I’m raising a daughter whose father had nothing to do with her (his choice) And has gone on to have four more children. Within reason and appropriate conversation I’ve always let her know she has siblings that aren’t mine. Amongst other emotions, it was actually horrific to realise my mum had hidden this from us. Especially as she herself had known them and had relationships with them.

I think they'll be angry if you wait that long. Kids are advised to know about adoption as early as possible and I think this is similar.

It will cause upset to my daughter. I know that. She is 8. Don’t want to talk to the school about it personally I’ve had a few issues with the school and don’t find them particularly helpful.

There have been multiple situations similar to this in my family. Honestly.. I don't think there is a right way or right time. Being a teenager is confusing enough without adding extra emotional turmoil. I'd wait until you're sure.

There isn't any rush. If you wait till their older, they might be angry about not knowing at first but if they're adult enough they'll learn to understand the reasons why.

It is probably best to be matter of fact. 'Daddy has another little girl, who is about 10 (or whatever). He was married /with her mum before we met. I've never met her but I bet she is as lovely as you'. Or something- not dramatic, just low key.

I have never had any contact with my biological father. He signed the adoption papers that's about all I know.

Later on I found out I have at least 2 older half siblings and probably more younger. The older ones know about me but have never made contact either. When I found out about siblings I was much older probably early teens.

It didn't phase me and I can't say it's even something I think about often at all. I've no desire to know them just as they have no desire to know me (they're much older)

I'm quite happy as things are. Maybe wait to your children are early teens don't make a big deal of it and let them guide you as to what they want/ how they feel.

Definitely tell them now. You could say that some people are just not very good at being parents, and their dad is one of those people. The fact that he doesn't see his other DC either proves that he is not good at being a dad and is absolutely not their fault.

It may be a good idea to talk to the school if DD is so badly affected by not having a father figure in her life.

But I also agree you should tell her and the other children about their half sibling now rather than later. Yes there may be fallout from your DD, but it will be much worse if you leave it until later.

Your ex is a shit abandoning his children like this. Poor kids.

Tell them. I have a friend with a similar family situation who his now in his older teens. He inadvertently hit on his own half sister in a bar but they knew enough about each other (they’d never met previously and hadn’t seen any photos of each other) to work it out before it got disgusting. It may sound far fetched but they’re proof that it does happen.

From what you've said about your dd (8) I can understand your reluctance to cause more cinfusion and distress. Have you considered seeking advice to help dd, as her behaviour seems to suggest she's not processing th8ngs well. If school is not a helpful source of support try the gp perhaps?

I don't know my dad so probably could have a few half-siblings out there. I really don't care though, they aren't my family. So, tell them, although if I were your kid i'd be asking why you two kept it secret all these years, so consider that.

they can meet.

Maybe don't word it like that? There's no guarantee the abandoned older half-sibling would even want to meet OPs children.

I would tell them sooner rather than later. I think 16 is even too late.

It's really hard, and I get that, but finding stuff out like this really rocks their world and can have a strong impact on their sense of who they are - so the earlier you do it, the better from the point of view of them coming to terms with it.

Different scenario, I know, but there is a child in my family who is adopted by the family member, who wasn't going to tell the child until they turned 18. This was strongly counselled against, and the child was told when they were 7 instead.
The family member was concerned that the child would throw "you're not even my real parent" at them in teenage fights, but as we said, teens will throw anything and everything at parents in fights, including "why did you even have me?" "I wish I'd never been born" etc. so there's no real difference.

Anyway, at 7 the child accepted it with no problem - at 18, it could have utterly destroyed their sense of who they are/were.

I know finding out about another sibling isn't the same intensity but I do think younger children handle it more philosophically than older ones. The only minor problem is that they might want to meet him, which might be problematic for you unless you know how to contact the mother.

I think that maybe you should get some help for your daughter, as recommended by MrsDimmond.

But it is really something they should know as soon as possible. If you don't tell them, definitely don't tell them when they are teens, that is the worst age for them to find out you've been keeping secrets from them.

My dgd knows she has a half-brother she may never meet. That is just the shape of her family.

Perhaps the brother might be interested in meeting /having a relationship though? I understand they're all young but you could get in touch with the other mother, see what she thinks about the situation. No need to involve the father.

But pps are right - the earlier you tell your kids the better.

It does sound like she's a bit extreme with her "new daddy" talk - is this something you've talked about with her? It's a little odd that she is so expectant - have you/other family members inadvertently said something to make her expect a "new daddy" maybe?

No definitely nothing I’ve said! I’m very much single and haven’t/won’t be dating at all any time soon. She has asd I don’t know if that plays a part in it? She’s never met any men and I haven’t dated anyone since the split. I think she just wants to be like other kids and have a dad. I don’t know any single mums where the father is totally absent, so she’s sees that others have a dad.

I won’t be contacting the mother.

Your DD would benefit from counselling to deal with this. Asking if every block who knocks on the door is her new dad isn't normal. It shows she's struggling...poor thing. How old is she?

Even if you met someone...he would be scared off if he was expected to be dad.

Do you have brothers or do you have contact with her dad's side of the family....he's just abandoned her and her siblings....that's very difficult for a child to understand.

Would you be able to track down his DS and tell him about your kids first?

I'm just thinking that if you told your DC and they subsequently tried to find him and he wasn't interested...it could be quite a blow for them.

Yeh it’s definitely not normal, I know that. It quite a recent thing (the last few months) we have no contact with his side of the family. His parents died before I met him and although he has a sister they weren’t particularly close and she never bothered with the children. No male relatives apart from my father who I speak to weekly on the phone but don’t see often at all. I’m not meeting anyone so she won’t be getting a “new dad” anyway.

I knew that I had a brother from being around 9. I wish I’d had the chance to meet him at the time, but he lived overseas, and nobody told him about me until he was moving to the UK. It wasn’t easy to form a relationship once we did meet- in his twenties, my thirties- but twenty something years later, we’re getting there.

I think the earlier the better to tell children they have siblings. We both feel cheated by the adults in our lives who chose not to consider our relationship important.

In both our opinions, that was not morally their decision to make.

My friend's DS has an absent father. He has half-siblings (from 2 different mothers), who also do not see their father. The three mothers maintain contact with each other and the half-siblings meet whenever possible (they live in different countries). Her DS struggles with having an absent father, but loves having a relationship with his half-siblings.

I think it depends. If they are going to be able to meet the half sibling and form a relationship then I would tell. If they won't have the chance to do this then I would wait until they are mid teens...they would have a better understanding at that point about family dynamics.

We choose to tell our daughter when she was young so there were no surprises. A couple of reasons in our case. Firstly have a SIL who would have loved to have ''dished the dirt'' in any way possible for maximum fallout. Secondly, the elder half sibling's arrival was not planned and not announced until after the relationship had ended. Also a much loved friend wasn't told until she was 19 some meaningful stuff about her past and it devastated her that her parents hadn't been more forthcoming earlier on.

Personally in your case, I think you need to (at the right moment) tell your daughter but keep it a separate issue from the one of her Dad not visiting. Perhaps in knowing there is another sibling who also doesn't see Dad, might just make her feel somewhat better and that its not a ''her'' thing.