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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you react

85 replies

Dogisout · 21/10/2019 06:40

If your dh accused you of lying and being deceitfull? I dont know how to react.
Now he ignores me, wont listen.
I made a decision of what i thought was a minor issue, during a birthday party for son, would tell him after party. But he made a scene and left. Came back , ignoring me, only sending angry text about me being a lier, not to be trusted. How hurt he is.
Wont listen to me, not responding to reson.
This was saturday. Still going on.
Fine he disagrees with my decision, but his reaction is really hurtfull. What would you do?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 21/10/2019 13:30

Just out of interest OP what would have happened if instead of giving DS the 15€ back immediately you'd said 'let me speak to dad

Yeah, because she should ask him if she can give her kid 15 euros. It's his call.

She's an equal parent. If she wants to give her kid 15 euros she can. End of, she doesn't need to ask his permission.

Original poster
Dogisout · 21/10/2019 13:34

I wont ask permission to spend 15 euroes! Should i Call him up to ask to buy gum??
I also buy dress to daughter if i want. He dont Care.
He is angry because he want son to Pay for phone, to teach him not to have ADHD, not to be teenager, to be perfect As his own kids. And my son is not.
Fucking 15 euroes. A scene on his 16 birthday. And sofar 48 hours conflict. Jesus .

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NearlyGranny · 21/10/2019 13:43

Your DH is BVVU. Where is he seeing a lie in all this? What lie does he think you told him?

There was a small transaction that he was not consulted about between you and your DS (who is his DSS?) but you would have chatted later about what you had decided. There is no lie here.

There is a controlling man, though. And as you say yourself, if you are a bit soft, well DH has had the benefit of that himself probably more often than DS has!

I got that from DH, being accused of being too soft, too generous to the DC. And he had to be reminded that he was lucky that I am, as he had done alright himself!.

Original poster
Dogisout · 21/10/2019 13:47

He has known me since son was 5. Daughter 16 months. Both Call him dad. Never an issue.
But as a lazy ADHD teenager, relationship is hard with Them. H dont Care about money. He want son to learn. To be resonsible. As do i. He paid half the phone. I gave him 15 euroes back. We dont need money. And we certainly dont need this drama.
Im still on the divorce web page. Fuck this. Im loyal, kind, hard working, and i want him. But i dont need him! Im just so sad for All of US. We had a good life, his drama excluded...

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Original poster
Dogisout · 21/10/2019 13:49

Nearly granny - excately! He certainly benefit from my being soft, more than anyone! Thank you!

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BoxOfBabyCheeses · 21/10/2019 13:51

Op is this the last in a list of things that your DS has lost/misplaced? If so, then I can understand his reaction. He is trying to teach him how to take responsibility since he is now 16. You agreed to this, and instead you have gone against what you both agreed and rewarded your son with money.

If this is the first time that he has lost something then I think your DH has overreacted and you are right to walk away.

MulticolourMophead · 21/10/2019 13:57

So he's not DS's Dad? There may be some competition going on there, if he's all for coming down hard on DS.

Damntheman · 21/10/2019 13:57

Good for you OP for drawing your line. I think I would have drawn a similar line.

When he comes home to talk you listen to him, and then you insist that he listens to you in return. No interrupting to refute or defend anything. Just listen. I'd discuss the original issue, perhaps apologise for upsetting DH, you hadn't considered it that much of an issue but will think twice in the future.

But then I would ALSO address DH's behaviour. Which was not at all acceptable and should never be repeated.

MulticolourMophead · 21/10/2019 13:59

I meant to add that your DS fulfilled his side of the bargain, by giving the amount requested.

The fact that you chose to give your DS some of it back is a separate issue. Because at that point, the original amount had been handed over so what you choose to do with it was your business.

Original poster
Dogisout · 21/10/2019 14:01

He does not loose much. Last year he forgot a jacket in a train, a few weeks ago he lost a power bank. Yes dh is hard. He has 2 perfect grown up kids. But i love my son, we have a good relationship and i know i am soft.
I dont mind he disagrees! I mind all this bloody drama..

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Original poster
Dogisout · 21/10/2019 14:04

Son gave me money by his own Accord. And i choose to return 15 euroes. He has had a rough few months and going to a party with friends. I really dont see the problem.
Because h also decises without me. He also buy stuff by himself. I dont Care. He is an adult. I trust him. This is Just for punishment. It changes my feelings..

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MadeForThis · 21/10/2019 14:19

If your son hadn't been willing to hand over the money then I would understand why DH was angry. But that's not the case.

He made a scene at your son's birthday. That's inexcusable. His behaviour since is even worse. He clearly feels the needs to bully and punish you.

You can choose to give ds 15 euros if you want.

What sort of lesson is DH teaching your son with his behaviour?

Original poster
Dogisout · 21/10/2019 14:24

We agreed to take his birthday money. Problem is i gave some back.

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Original poster
Dogisout · 21/10/2019 14:39

He is here in half an hour. Wish me luck!

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Hidingtonothing · 21/10/2019 14:40

Yeah, because she should ask him if she can give her kid 15 euros. It's his call.

God no, that's not what I meant at all! I was asking whether OP could have expected a reasonable response if she had asked him, since his 'issue' seems to be that she made the decision unilaterally. I suspected he would have stuck rigidly to taking all of DS's birthday money, which makes it pretty clear this is about OP not doing as she's told in his eyes, not OP (so-called) lying.

To be clear I don't think OP has done anything wrong here and I would also have given DS some money back, I may or may not have mentioned it to my DH afterwards but I certainly wouldn't have asked permission, nor would he expect me to. In fact he would have given DS the money himself, because he's not a dictatorial arsehole.

Original poster
Dogisout · 21/10/2019 14:50

Thank you all. This is not about money. It is about control. I Think. We agreed on something, i changed my mind. Sange sometimes do. I dont get it. But i Will find out in half an hour.
I dont need him. I Can do by myself. But i want him. 99 % of the time he is good. But then... i dont know. Sometimes he make this drama and always key words is respect, trustworthy and what not. And i know im soft! So i have a teenager WHO is also soft. How Many of you have a ADHD teenager WHO is lovely, sweet, loves his little sister, his granny, tells me all he does - also the crap - hugs and kisses me, and still party with friends? He is Amazing. And lazy. And disorganized. But so friendly and so trusting.
Aaaand he is spoilt! As is daughter. As is h. Especially h.
Fuck im nerveaus. As i Said. I Can do on my own. And i Will if i have to. I just like my life as it is. But i wont stand for this!

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73Sunglasslover · 21/10/2019 14:55

And i want him to trust my judgement. If we dont have trust - what is

But you don't have trust because you agreed something together and then you didn't stick to it. The trust has been broken by you. I don't think this is a fatal flaw but I think you need to step back and see it from his point of view. Clearly he is reacting in an unhelpful way but that does not mean you have not also acted in an unhelpful way. If you want trust then you need to stick to the decisions you made and if you want to reconsider them you discuss it.

Hidingtonothing · 21/10/2019 14:55

I think you're going in with the right attitude OP, unapologetic for who you are and with clear boundaries, you're right not to stand for this. Make sure you point out to him that the very things he's criticising you for with regard to DS are the same things he loves you for when they apply to him, it's an excellent point Smile Good luck, I hope he sees your POV Flowers

Bluntness100 · 21/10/2019 15:30

Op, you're not soft. Soft is what I would have done. Which is buy the phone because it was an accident and he is not prone to loosing stuff. I'd never have taken my daughter birthday money in this context, in my view leaving him with 15 euros is quite a hard lesson.

Don't let this man bully you into thinking you're being soft because he's so controlling and horrible. You're not. By a long way.

EKGEMS · 21/10/2019 15:54

I have a real problem with him expecting perfection from a child wit a disability in comparison to his adult children without a disability. That is worth ending the relationship over. Jackass

Original poster
Dogisout · 21/10/2019 16:34

We had a diskussion. He feel i disrespekt him for giving son the money. As his opinion dont matter. I understand that and i agree. What i dont understand is all the drama. His Way of sulking, putting me on ICE. We could have had a talk, after party. He say he just need space to process as he is hurt.
I told him as he has been gone for 48 hours, kitchen duty is on him. And now sitting on sofa with Wine.
I also told him - and he sort of agreed - the result of his sulking is making a bad atmosphere and it is only his responsibility to make it better. He Called me a liar, amongst other things. He has to make a proper effort to put it Right.
If anyone is interested - or is just really bored- i Will Update with news.
Thank you all for your support. You made me stronger..

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Original poster
Dogisout · 21/10/2019 17:53

Aaaaaand he has a head ache and has gone to bed. 3 days in a row.
How many moms just swan of to bed, for a head ache? Yes, i Sound resentfull!

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Hidingtonothing · 21/10/2019 17:59

Is this your punishment do you think? He can't openly sulk anymore because you called him out on it so he'll stick you with all the kids/food/house responsibilities instead? He really doesn't like it when you challenge his authority does he?

Original poster
Dogisout · 21/10/2019 18:06

Yep! But he made dinner and fed the kids. It is just my Company he refuses. I have Netflix and Wine, kids in rooms, and there is a Day tomorrow.
I gave him a hard time. I know. He deserve it and he took it. Now he is licking his wounds , i pressume..

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Original poster
Dogisout · 21/10/2019 18:12

I do love him. He is a lot, i have not written here. But he is a pain, in some areas. And today you helped me say what i wanted. Sulking is OFF, leaving is OFF, he has to light the fuck up.
I am a People pleaser. I know. And he benefit massively from this. So i expect to see chance. I am not afraid to be on my own, and he is aware of this. But i do love him and i Will stay. For now.
Thanks again 🌸

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