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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you react

85 replies

Dogisout · 21/10/2019 06:40

If your dh accused you of lying and being deceitfull? I dont know how to react.
Now he ignores me, wont listen.
I made a decision of what i thought was a minor issue, during a birthday party for son, would tell him after party. But he made a scene and left. Came back , ignoring me, only sending angry text about me being a lier, not to be trusted. How hurt he is.
Wont listen to me, not responding to reson.
This was saturday. Still going on.
Fine he disagrees with my decision, but his reaction is really hurtfull. What would you do?

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LannisterLion1 · 21/10/2019 10:26

You both need to really talk. Would he ignore an email or text?

His prolonged behaviour is unreasonable and makes unpleasant atmosphere, however he has my sympathy if he believes (like dsis did) that this is the last straw in disrespect and undermining.

summersherewishiwasnt · 21/10/2019 10:28

Ywbu to make your own decision after you had agreed as a team.
He is being a massive emotional nuisance to exaggerate the whole event.

Zeldasmagicwand · 21/10/2019 10:33

Presumably DH has always been sulky and childish or is this something completely new?

If anyone behaves like that to me, I tell them they're being childish and when they're ready to behave like an adult, you'll be happy to have a conversation with them.

Original poster
Dogisout · 21/10/2019 10:37

It was 15 euroes.. not much. I just could not take all his birthday money. Yes im weak. And soft. But it is totally out of proportions!
He is at work now. Not on his phone.
He has a strained (?) relationship with son. Think he is lazy and irresponsible. I see son as struggeling, and yes lazy. But trying hard.
Just could not take it all.
And h making it out to be such a Big thing i dont understand. Yes i am soft. Also to his benefit!
Thank you for all your replies, just sitting here, not worling, feeling so bad..

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0SometimesIWonder · 21/10/2019 10:39

Bloody Hell ! I'd give the whole birthday amount to son after this !

Original poster
Dogisout · 21/10/2019 11:29

Just had a huge argument on phone, resulting in me telling him i want divorce. Married 10 years. I am soft, but no lier.
He is hard, telling me how untrustworthy i am etc. Fed up. Pissed of. And son heart broken. But Right now just so angry!

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Original poster
Dogisout · 21/10/2019 11:34

Soon heart broken, not son. Kids dont know, other than they know he is sulking

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AmIThough · 21/10/2019 11:35

Do you want a divorce? Or are you just angry and lashed out?

Original poster
Dogisout · 21/10/2019 11:45

Im so pissed OFF! If this is how he sees me, i do want divorce..
i dont Lie. Im not confrontational. Im probably a push over. But theese accucations and this drama.. i cant cope with it.
I love him. But he is so hard hearted when he feel like this, and nothing i say Can chance it..
so i give up !

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ActualHornist · 21/10/2019 11:50

So you agreed that son would pay €75 towards the cost of a new phone, then you only accepted €60 which pissed your husband off to the point that he left your home and you’re considering divorce?

He’s being ridiculous. I know it’s important to maintain a united front where kids are concerned, but this is different. IMO it’s ok to not accept the full amount so long as the kids isn’t kicking off about an agreed amount they’re supposed to give to you. Isn’t this just what happens in the ups and downs of family life?

If he’s so inflexible about something as mundane as this I don’t blame you tbh OP. What a tedious way to live.

MereDintofPandiculation · 21/10/2019 11:50

I can understand him being annoyed that you and he had agreed something and then you did something different. But his reaction is out of all proportion and is basically bullying. You're also neither of you in a state to talk about this rationally, so I would simply keep out of his way for a few days, carry on with life and try not to let his unpleasantness affect you. Be civil but don't seek interaction, don't sulk, but also say you're not ready yet to talk.

Differences in child rearing are a huge challenge to a marriage. DH and I used to disagree (I regard him as the original Victorian papa), but we all survived somehow, and both DC have turned into lovely adults with a good relationship with both of us. So that side of it is survivable. Not sure whether his treatment of you is survivable but that's for you to decide.

Losing 4/5 of his birthday money is a big lesson for your son. Losing the last 1/5 too seems unnecessary.

MereDintofPandiculation · 21/10/2019 11:55

Im so pissed OFF! Hang on to that anger. My problem is I used to Iet the desire to be reconciled overwhelm me, and reconciliation on those terms didn't do anything for my self respect, and simply led to a period of depression. Once I started to keep in touch with the anger, we were able to talk on equal terms, and the argument was resolved more quickly to the satisfaction of both of us.

Bluerussian · 21/10/2019 11:56

I wouldn't blame you one bit if you separated from your husband. It's gobsmacking that he reacted in this way, walking out of the party and laying into you for such a small issue which you were going to explain to him anyway. It's just not right, it's weird. He's a bully!

underground76 · 21/10/2019 11:58

His behaviour sounds way over the top but it also sounds as if there is an awful lot more going on than a row over 15 euros. I strongly doubt that this is the one issue here, given that he's blown his top over it and you're apparently now keen to divorce him.

Original poster
Dogisout · 21/10/2019 12:13

Thank you. All of you!!
Yes i use to want to reconsile, being soft etc. I am soft. Thats who i am.
We have been married 10 years and he knows me. I never Lie. I always mean Well.
Son came to me, giveng me the money. And i was like “aaaw honey, you keep the 15” - yes that is soft. And he is a lazy ... he is also having a really tough time, ADHD, School , depression, you name it. But he is lovely, and was going to a party later. And he is my son. We dont need the money. For h it was the principle, to teach him a lesson (??)
But to accuse me of lying, and leaving, waaaay over the top!
And yes i am Usually Nice,i just want peace, but enough is enough! Fucking 15 euroes!

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WhatToDo999 · 21/10/2019 12:26

Hi Op...it certainly does like DH is going a bit over the top over a small amount of money, and I don't blame you one bit for feeling how you do.

have there been other times where DH feels that you have gone against what you have agreed as a couple, for your son? If it has happened, before it could be that this one time is just one time to many, and whilst you feel it is just this matter that is bothering him, it is actually a whole history of other times? x

Original poster
Dogisout · 21/10/2019 12:35

You Are probably Right. But im here all the time, i am the one raising Them. Usually he is fine with me making decisions, he is always working. And as i Said, i dont mind him disagreeing to my desicion, but his reaction is not acceptable.
He just suggested he goes to our summerhouse untill i “Calm Down” and i Said if he does that, he Can stay there. Orher option is to go home and have an adult conversstion with your wife!

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Original poster
Dogisout · 21/10/2019 12:52

Now he want to talk..

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Original poster
Dogisout · 21/10/2019 12:52

Any advice?

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AmIThough · 21/10/2019 13:04

Talk to him.
Don't let him make out you're a liar or anything else.

Your only mistake was giving the money back without consulting him when you'd already made a decision.

PinkiOcelot · 21/10/2019 13:04

Well just listen to what he has to say, then he affords you the same respect and listens to your point of view.
He’s been pathetic and childish IMO and needs to grow up. If I were you, I would also be pointing this out to him.
Hope it goes ok x

LannisterLion1 · 21/10/2019 13:07

Listen to him and have him listen to you. I wonder if this is his 'straw that broke the back' . He is overreacting though and needs to listen to you as much as you do him.

It might help to get in mind what you want. There's no point being in a relationship where you both are at odds with each other and getting angry. If he is calmer, listens but tells you he's had enough of being undermined what will you do? If he shouts, accuses and won't listen to you are you going to toughen up or desoft so he doesn't bully?

MintyMabel · 21/10/2019 13:23

We agreed about the money and i dare chance it

He has a point.

His reaction might seem OTT, but you were out of order to disregard what you had agreed to.

Perhaps his reaction is because you have form for it?

Hidingtonothing · 21/10/2019 13:25

Just out of interest OP what would have happened if instead of giving DS the 15€ back immediately you'd said 'let me speak to dad about letting you have a bit of money back for your party' and then broached it with H? Would he have relented and let DS have it or rigidly stuck to the plan?

Original poster
Dogisout · 21/10/2019 13:29

A few more text and he is still very defensive. He thinks i want to fight. I dont.
I want him to listen to reasons why i gave son 15 euro. And i want him to trust my judgement. If we dont have trust - what is
He sometimes does something i dont agree with. But i trust him. He must have reasons. He is adult. I had reasons. Why does he dismiss me like this?

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