AIBU to still be pissed off? And what on earth do I do!?

[TLBftm]

I’ve debated posting this since yday eve. Mainly haven’t as I feel my rant is so long. (I’ve just scrolled back through and deleted examples cos I could go on forever) But I need some wisdom here MN....

In brief, been with my DP 6 year and we now have 9 month old DS. My relationship with PILs has always been great. Until DS. Honestly there is something new each time we see them pretty much that pisses me off. At first I didn’t say anything to DP as I felt awkward, it’s his DM and DD! But eventually I cracked and we had a good long chat... he agreed it was all out of order etc and said he would speak to them next time something happened which I was happy about. There has since been one incident that sent me over the edge almost and the following day he went to theirs to speak to them. Came home and assured me he had mentioned it and how upset it made me and they apparently were very sorry and didn’t realise it had upset me. Seen them since and didn’t feel awkward etc....

Now PILs, they enjoy a good drink. Which is fine, that’s their choice (I do try avoid seeing them when I know there will be more than a few involved) but yesterday we nipped into the little local club with DS as they and more of DPs family were in there. After being there for approx 5 mins... FIL has whipped out a pack of chocolate buttons and was telling DS he had ‘choc choc’ for him! He’s 9 month. We don’t deprive him of the odd treat but he doesn’t need filling with shite at every occasion!! DP said not to give him any as were heading home for tea after a quick drink. Within minutes FIL was feeding ‘a couple’ of buttons. Which turned into the full pack. Then MIL was waving a Milky Way at him asking if he wanted it. To which I said no don’t give him that. MIL then proceeded to sly chunks of it into DS’s mouth when she thought I wasn’t looking! This then turned into a kinder bar!!! Between me and DP we must have said 20 times not to, to stop it etc etc... we were totally ignored and other family members kept piping up with ‘it’s what grandparents are for’!

I chose not to make a massive deal out of it because I knew the whole fam would turn on me a chip in and I’d get lost for words. I’m the sort of person that will let stuff go numerous times but then suddenly I’ll flip, and most definitely say some things I’d regret. I’m less annoyed about the chocolate it’s more the fact we are his parents and we said no! And we’re ignored. There was another little boy in there who they know and MIL shouted across the club and asked his mum if it was okay to give him some too, she said no he was going home for his tea soon. So she didn’t give him it. So why is it ok to ignore mine and DPs no but not hers? I felt totally disrespected. MIL has always been the type to think she knows better when it comes to DS!

We got home with DS and DP new I was pissed off and asked me what was wrong. I said I didn’t wanna talk about it right now cos I was sooo angry and it would come across as I was angry at him even though i wasn’t, I said to just leave me to calm down. He pushed to find out so I let rip. I did say a lot that I wasn’t mad at him and it wasn’t his fault and I know he told them no etc... but it ended in a massive argument and we still haven’t spoke! To sum it up he basically said what can he do about it! To which I may or may not have screamed ‘grow some balls and sort it out’ oops. His final words were if they are gonna continue to come between us he will just go see them alone with DS in future to save me getting upset!

How do I speak to him about it properly because I’ve blooming tried in the past and it’s not getting through. I feel annoyed that they are coming between us when we generally have a lovely relationship! And most importantly... how do I tackle this with PILs? I don’t think I’ll bring this occasion up to them, but I need some ammunition for the next time, what to say etc as it’s happening?

Apologies it so long, it could have been way longer with the amount of shit they do that winds me up!! Please some help before I end up flipping at them

Oh god this was my mother
I could say ‘no’ til my arse turned blue but ‘nanna knows better than mummy’
She gave my young kids coke-they threw up all over themselves-she laughed and just wiped them up
Gave my 14 year old daughter bottles of white wine and vodka to share with her mates in the park
Would feed them endless maccies even tho I never did
She’d give them bags of sweets just before lunch
She taped and allowed my 11 year old to watch celebrity juice-my dad told her not to do it again-she did-but I found out and gave her hell
She would give my 9 year old son 2 lattes before school-with extra sugar
She would stuff him full of sweets before school and watch him bounce-and act surprised when I got called in cos he was bouncing off the walls
Told school I wasn’t giving them breakfast-then denied it (I fed my kids!)
And much more
(I found out about most of this once it was too late)
When I did find out I told her-my kids,my rules-I was god as far as she was concerned
She ignored me and I got the last laugh-we went nc ten years ago (kids didn’t want to see her by this point) she blames me for all her failings and how I refuse to let her see her gc
It’s all about power-I know better than you-take back the power-your baby not theirs!

While I understand that the real issue here is that the OP and her DH’s wishes were ignored by the in-laws regarding the chocolate, I have to ask...where’s the actual, tangible harm in the little one getting chocolate from the gps here and there?
Lots of people mentioning weight and teeth but that’s a bit of red herring as he’s not going to become obese or lose the teeth he hasn’t got yet through this singular incident or indeed a series of them. Occasional treats are harmless. The level of outrage people are displaying over it seems disproportionate to me. We’ve got people suggesting that OP ban her DH from seeing his parents with his son unless she’s there to police them as well as other outlandish overreactions to a few sweeties.
What is more beneficial for the wee one? No chocolate ever...or a bond with his grandparents? Being obeyed...or being glad someone loves him enough to spoil him? Controlling the in-laws...or turning a blind eye knowing you are paving the way for willing babysitters in the future?

I get that it’s annoying to be overridden (believe me) - but unless they are generally awful, I don’t think it’s the hill to die on.

And sorry, but the the three dos are horrible.
In this instance it would be like cracking a nut with sledgehammer.

Can you invite them round to your on Boxing Day? Might be easier to stand up to them in your own home too

Regardless of the chocolate thing, the whole 'Come and meet us with your baby while we sit all day getting hammered in a depressing shithole' would probably be a dealbreaker for me.

To those saying I should have kicked off or removed my child.... I am kicking myself that I didn’t. I don’t even know why I didn’t. I was just seething instead getting more and more pissed off.

DS has 6 teeth actually and I would like to protect them from the start.

Not spoke to DP much although he’s been at work but the little we have spoke I can tell he’s creeping a bit and I feel a bit guilty about going off at him. Once tea and bedtime is out the way I think a calm is in order. But I’m not backing down on the Boxing Day front. I don’t want to attend the club at all and would much rather stay at home, in my pjs, playing with DS and his new toys, I am however willing to compromise since it’s been agreed to see them and I’m going to suggest they come to us for the most part and we will attend for an hour. If they chose not to come to us and go to the grotty little club that’s their choice.

YES! I am cheering you on OP.
Stay firm, and have Boxing Day as you want it.
Just say you'll take loads of pictures or video of DS playing with his new toys and show the ILs another time.
They can get shit faced in the club and you can relax at home.

They don’t sound like good role models. I think some distance would be a good idea.

@pictish you do realise it’s not one or the other? The baby can still have a good relationship with his family without them giving him crap to eat.

Yeah, I couldn’t (and didn’t) get too worked up about it.
I had no particular dive to impose my will at all costs, over this annoying but ultimately harmless demonstration of affection. I didn’t give my tots sweeties so those that came from my mum (worst offender) or mil were fine.
Don’t get me wrong, I started out the same as OP getting all huffty and assertive about it...but when I look back on it, I was being a dick.
I did relax eventually.

Like I say, not a hill to die on. In my opinion.

pictish did you not see how much chocolate was given to him? A 9 month old baby only has a little stomach, yet he was fed a packet of buttons (not just one or two), followed by a milky way, and then a Kinder bar! That's excessive!

OP if it was me in your situation I wouldn’t have another talk (which may possibly turn into an argument) with your husband. I’d just wait until the time and tackle the issue with his parents. I’m sure he will naturally back you up as it’s his opinion too.

It really feels like this isn’t about chocolate though. It’s about power and the PIL not respecting your choice as a parent. They had their turn raising their son (with pretty bad choices in my opinion), now it’s your turn.

If they were such crap parents though they may not know how to give positive attention without treats.

“Hey FIL. Why don’t you play peekaboo/read this book/play with this toy as it’s DS’s favourite game at the moment.”

Well the chat was good. I was very calm, there was no shouting etc... I mentioned a few things what some have said and apologised to DP for arguing with him/some of the things I said. I then said it want to apologise for putting it all on you to deal with also because after thinking about it, it’s as much on me to deal with as it is you and moving forward I will be standing a firm ground, not to sound horrible but they obvs don’t mind upsetting me so if what I have to say in future upsets them, then so be it, if it’s in the best interests of DS then it’s got to be done’ he just nodded throughout and then agreed etc. I also said I’d expect him to have my back and he said ‘always’. Boxing Day was tackled also and I made my feelings on it clear, DP agreed with what I had to say tbh and is going to speak to PILs to invite them to us for the day. As I said before, it’s their choice then and I don’t care if they decide to come or to go to the club, but that’s not where we will be :)

Did he have anything to say, other than agreeing with you? Because quite often, these partners pay lip service about setting boundaries, say they'll speak to their parents and back up their partner, but then when push comes to shove, they don't.

I mean, he said it was out of order that they ignored us and said he didn’t think they were purposely trying to upset. He said in hindsight yes we should have moved DS away and in future when I do so he supports that. I think I pretty much covered it all so there wasn’t much more to add but I do actually think he will support me next time and back me up. We will see!

He said in hindsight yes we should have moved DS away and in future when I do so he supports that.

Or, you know, he could move DS away. Why is he leaving it to you to do? Because then it's you who his parents will blame, instead of him.

I looked at it that way to start with. His parents, he should be the one to tell them/act... but then upon thinking about it, he’s my son too and I should also be the one stepping up to care for him or move him away from those kind of situations. I think it’s going to be awkward first couple of times I stand my ground but I also think once I have, he will more too. I guess he just doesn’t want to upset his parents but

Well, whoever is closest should take your child back, but don't let him get away with leaving it to you all the time. If he doesn't step up after you've done it a couple of times, you'll need to speak to him again.

Of course he doesn't want to upset his parents, but he should not want to upset you even more, as you're the one he lives with. He also needs to learn to have a more equal relationship with his parents, instead of the parent/child one. He's an adult now, and he doesn't have to do what they say any more.