AIBU to still be pissed off? And what on earth do I do!?

[TLBftm]

I’ve debated posting this since yday eve. Mainly haven’t as I feel my rant is so long. (I’ve just scrolled back through and deleted examples cos I could go on forever) But I need some wisdom here MN....

In brief, been with my DP 6 year and we now have 9 month old DS. My relationship with PILs has always been great. Until DS. Honestly there is something new each time we see them pretty much that pisses me off. At first I didn’t say anything to DP as I felt awkward, it’s his DM and DD! But eventually I cracked and we had a good long chat... he agreed it was all out of order etc and said he would speak to them next time something happened which I was happy about. There has since been one incident that sent me over the edge almost and the following day he went to theirs to speak to them. Came home and assured me he had mentioned it and how upset it made me and they apparently were very sorry and didn’t realise it had upset me. Seen them since and didn’t feel awkward etc....

Now PILs, they enjoy a good drink. Which is fine, that’s their choice (I do try avoid seeing them when I know there will be more than a few involved) but yesterday we nipped into the little local club with DS as they and more of DPs family were in there. After being there for approx 5 mins... FIL has whipped out a pack of chocolate buttons and was telling DS he had ‘choc choc’ for him! He’s 9 month. We don’t deprive him of the odd treat but he doesn’t need filling with shite at every occasion!! DP said not to give him any as were heading home for tea after a quick drink. Within minutes FIL was feeding ‘a couple’ of buttons. Which turned into the full pack. Then MIL was waving a Milky Way at him asking if he wanted it. To which I said no don’t give him that. MIL then proceeded to sly chunks of it into DS’s mouth when she thought I wasn’t looking! This then turned into a kinder bar!!! Between me and DP we must have said 20 times not to, to stop it etc etc... we were totally ignored and other family members kept piping up with ‘it’s what grandparents are for’!

I chose not to make a massive deal out of it because I knew the whole fam would turn on me a chip in and I’d get lost for words. I’m the sort of person that will let stuff go numerous times but then suddenly I’ll flip, and most definitely say some things I’d regret. I’m less annoyed about the chocolate it’s more the fact we are his parents and we said no! And we’re ignored. There was another little boy in there who they know and MIL shouted across the club and asked his mum if it was okay to give him some too, she said no he was going home for his tea soon. So she didn’t give him it. So why is it ok to ignore mine and DPs no but not hers? I felt totally disrespected. MIL has always been the type to think she knows better when it comes to DS!

We got home with DS and DP new I was pissed off and asked me what was wrong. I said I didn’t wanna talk about it right now cos I was sooo angry and it would come across as I was angry at him even though i wasn’t, I said to just leave me to calm down. He pushed to find out so I let rip. I did say a lot that I wasn’t mad at him and it wasn’t his fault and I know he told them no etc... but it ended in a massive argument and we still haven’t spoke! To sum it up he basically said what can he do about it! To which I may or may not have screamed ‘grow some balls and sort it out’ oops. His final words were if they are gonna continue to come between us he will just go see them alone with DS in future to save me getting upset!

How do I speak to him about it properly because I’ve blooming tried in the past and it’s not getting through. I feel annoyed that they are coming between us when we generally have a lovely relationship! And most importantly... how do I tackle this with PILs? I don’t think I’ll bring this occasion up to them, but I need some ammunition for the next time, what to say etc as it’s happening?

Apologies it so long, it could have been way longer with the amount of shit they do that winds me up!! Please some help before I end up flipping at them

Why didn't you take the baby out of the situation? Terrible parenting to sit back and let it happen.

Oh god, all day sitting in a crusty social club whilst they get smashed? It sounds horrendous.

You need to speak to your partner pronto. Does he really want to spend the day there? Or is he another limp dick who can't stand up to his parents?

if they are gonna continue to come between us he will just go see them alone with DS in future to save me getting upset!

To which you answer, you're welcome to go, but you won't be taking my child to get fed shit by drunks, no.

Boxing Day? 'No, I'm not going to the club, and neither is DS.'

All day in a social club?
So... basically a pub with a stage and dance floor?

@FizzyGreenWater, it's their child. If they split he will get days where he can do what the OP doesn't want him to do.

I think you've committed to seeing them boxing day, so need to pop in and be happy for your DH to stay, if he wants to.

As said, you're kicking off at your DH instead of them, that's really unfair.

I'm easy going on chocolate and so is my DD, but no one would have sat in front if either of us and given a baby that much. If you object to something, speak up.

With regards to Christmas, this is your first as a family. Do yourself a favour and do what you want to do otherwise it's going to be a mare forever. We started hosting when our boys were small and hosted for the next 12 years and counting!

DP is with me on the no choc front. It’s something we’ve always agreed on. He just sort of sees it as, he did his bit and said no and what more can he do?! I do really wish now that I spoke up and just moved him away! With Christmas, we were supposed to alternate who we had dinner with each year. It started with his.... then the next year I agreed to do same again as there was some of his American side of the family over too and it was gonna be a huge gathering etc which I felt bad on him not being there for so I said it was to do dinner with them again. The next year his grandad was very very sick and it was clear it was his last Xmas. I couldn’t not have him spend the last one with him. So again it was spent with them. Then the next year it was a case of, the first one without grandad (he passed 2 month before the next Xmas) and grandma was going to be sad and need support etc, so again we spent it with them. There has been something every year and I haven’t minded at all but this year, I was set on we are going to my mum. It didn’t go down too well with PILs but I explained DS didn’t want to go sit in a restaurant on Xmas day, he wants to be around his toys etc and then that was that. With Boxing Day, I am going to stand firm because that shitty little club is not what I want. And I guess if PILs really wanna see DS the full day then they will change their plans a bit. I think I’d be unreasonable to not see them at all that day after we have all agreed it, but I’m going to be very clear that we go early on (so before there are too many drinks consumed) and we stay an hour or whatever.... I’m totally not arsed on going, I’d rather not, not missing anything! We can’t really host Christmas as we have a small 2 bed house and are already planning to have people round on DS’s first birthday for a fuddle (he was born 3 days after Xmas) so room wise and money wise tbh, we can’t do that. I keep playing all your comments over and something that’s really stuck is why am I arsed about upsetting them when they clearly aren’t arsed about upsetting me! And I really am going to try the ‘not giving a fuck’ approach and stand up for my DS!

Fuddle! That’s a regional term not everyone will get. I’m guessing from that, that the shitty drinking club is a TopClub, too!

Stand firm that a baby shouldn’t be in any club all day Boxing Day - dull.

Haha yeah it probably is.... and the club is shite. It’s a dark dingy little place that occupies DPs family, one other family, the mum and DC who were offered chocolate, and the odd few men who nip in for one. There’s really nothing exiting about it and frankly I hope it falls down :)
I think I’m going to sit DP down tonight and just let him know that I’m not taking the shot anymore, I’m not mad at him but just to be warned that I’m not holding the peace anymore when it comes to DS I am going to voice my opinions. And whatever comes of that, comes of that. And also that Boxing Day, I am willing to go for an hour or two early doors and then we are leaving, if he wants to stay he absolutely can but that’s what’s happening. My only thoughts now are that he will say DS is OUR child and I can’t just make that decision, it has to be something we both agree on 🙄

A couple of years ago, I read something on here that is perfect for boundary trampling grandparents.

It was called the Three Do's

Do you love your grandchild?
Do you want to have a relationship with them?
Do as you're fucking told.

This is very applicable in the OPs situation.

Are your PILS and family overweight OP? Just wondering if it’s hard for you to say you don’t want the baby to get into bad eating habits / become overweight because that’s how they live? What’s your DH’s health / teeth / weight like?

By Christmas you may find your baby is crawling if not already or trying to walk. Very frustrating for him to be cooped up in a club for more than an hour if he wants to be mobile and exploring

I love that! Deffo think it’s applicable. Would I be unreasonable to use the ‘do you love your grand child’? For example, no DS can’t have the chocolate, do you love him or do you want him to end up with bad teeth and diabetes?!

I don’t get why your DH thinks there’s nothing else he can do! Ask him (from me) what would he do if DS was about to crawl into the road, would he say no don’t do that and then do nothing else or would he just pick him up and move him away?

Giving chocolate to a 9 month old is tantamount to child abuse imo. A baby should not have chocolate, not even a little bit. It’s not good for anyone but at least an adult has the choice, an innocent baby does not.

You should have picked your baby up and left.

Erm, they could be technically on the BMI charts yeah but they don’t look huge or anything. Although FIL a couple of years ago was diagnosed diabetic and also had heart attack ! DS is doing awesome, his teeth are lovely (I’m actually a dental nurse so I’m pretty big on them staying perfect, although it wouldn’t seem so since I allowed that to happen :/) his weight has always remained in the 45th percentile so far and he’s health has always been perfect. Not related but he took his first steps on his own last week so I’m chuffed to bits and he’s coming along great

Altiara- I’m going to use that, great way of looking at it. Also applies to myself too I guess.

Whattodoabout- I totally agree. We have pink water biscuits in for him as the occasional treat, we got them ages ago and there’s lots left, he has one maybe every 2 week... but we never give him choc etc and he’s never had juices etc just milk and water. What’s annoying is I spend a lot of time hand making all of his foods to ensure they are healthy and I know exactly what is in them, and I make healthy treats for him too. He loves his fruit and veggies and I fear he will decide against them if given lots of crap!

Wafer not water 🙄

Re Christmas, in future, it would be better if you, DP, and DS, had Christmas day at home. It's not fair to drag children around visiting different members of the family, when all they want to do is play with their new toys.

Family can come to you, not necessarily for dinner, although you'd be surprised how many you can host in a small place. My mum's kitchen was literally only big enough for the sink unit and the cooker, (fridge/freezer, microwave, and washing machine were in the dining room) yet she was able to host 8-10 people at Christmas. But you need to start your own traditions now DS is here. If the ILs kick up a fuss, so what? You have your own family now, which takes priority.

Yes I have mentioned this already to DP and said I don’t mind as much this year as DS only small still but next year people can come to us! We’ve done our rallying round and now it’s our time. He agreed. It may make it difficult for my family to get over in all honesty however we manage it and if they really want to be part of DS’s Xmas day then they will find a way. And I do think they will as they are making the effort for DS birthday. We’ve agreed 27th is a day for just us 3 this year after seeing families 25th/26th Then little gathering for DS birthday on 28th at ours

That’s exactly what I did

After a ton of chocolate had been fed.

My kid would have been lifted when the first button came out.

I would have kicked off when i felt attacked by the whole family who I know would have all piped up

And?

It's your child. They were doing something harmful. So you bloody should kick off.

This happens so soften with GP ,who really ought to know better! Many times my Nan was told off over giving me sweets when I was little. Only for DM to turn up with chocolates /sweets also A huge carrier bag of chocolates for my DC! If you say No they should be respecting you !

I love the 3 do’s!

Op as pp have said, don’t worry about upsetting them, they do t worry about upsetting you. Remind you do that you being upset is far worse than his mum being upset.

Don’t go to the club, not even and hour or two. They want to see you over Christmas they can stay at home for an hour or two. Then they can all go to their club.

Like you yourself say there's a big difference between saying nothing and kicking off, and you need to practice saying something along these lines - firm and clear without being aggressive or shouting would be good.

I don't think you'll be able to stay at the dreadful-sounding club for more than about an hour on Boxing Day anyway - I suspect that your DS will make his feelings plain about it, round about then, and you'll be forced to take him out anyway - so might as well take him home so he can relax and play with things that interest him.

Sounds like your DP needs an injection of spine stiffener as well to deal with his parents - you do need to be completely united on this, as any sniff of dissent and his parents will crack it wide open.