AIBU to still be pissed off? And what on earth do I do!?

[TLBftm]

I’ve debated posting this since yday eve. Mainly haven’t as I feel my rant is so long. (I’ve just scrolled back through and deleted examples cos I could go on forever) But I need some wisdom here MN....

In brief, been with my DP 6 year and we now have 9 month old DS. My relationship with PILs has always been great. Until DS. Honestly there is something new each time we see them pretty much that pisses me off. At first I didn’t say anything to DP as I felt awkward, it’s his DM and DD! But eventually I cracked and we had a good long chat... he agreed it was all out of order etc and said he would speak to them next time something happened which I was happy about. There has since been one incident that sent me over the edge almost and the following day he went to theirs to speak to them. Came home and assured me he had mentioned it and how upset it made me and they apparently were very sorry and didn’t realise it had upset me. Seen them since and didn’t feel awkward etc....

Now PILs, they enjoy a good drink. Which is fine, that’s their choice (I do try avoid seeing them when I know there will be more than a few involved) but yesterday we nipped into the little local club with DS as they and more of DPs family were in there. After being there for approx 5 mins... FIL has whipped out a pack of chocolate buttons and was telling DS he had ‘choc choc’ for him! He’s 9 month. We don’t deprive him of the odd treat but he doesn’t need filling with shite at every occasion!! DP said not to give him any as were heading home for tea after a quick drink. Within minutes FIL was feeding ‘a couple’ of buttons. Which turned into the full pack. Then MIL was waving a Milky Way at him asking if he wanted it. To which I said no don’t give him that. MIL then proceeded to sly chunks of it into DS’s mouth when she thought I wasn’t looking! This then turned into a kinder bar!!! Between me and DP we must have said 20 times not to, to stop it etc etc... we were totally ignored and other family members kept piping up with ‘it’s what grandparents are for’!

I chose not to make a massive deal out of it because I knew the whole fam would turn on me a chip in and I’d get lost for words. I’m the sort of person that will let stuff go numerous times but then suddenly I’ll flip, and most definitely say some things I’d regret. I’m less annoyed about the chocolate it’s more the fact we are his parents and we said no! And we’re ignored. There was another little boy in there who they know and MIL shouted across the club and asked his mum if it was okay to give him some too, she said no he was going home for his tea soon. So she didn’t give him it. So why is it ok to ignore mine and DPs no but not hers? I felt totally disrespected. MIL has always been the type to think she knows better when it comes to DS!

We got home with DS and DP new I was pissed off and asked me what was wrong. I said I didn’t wanna talk about it right now cos I was sooo angry and it would come across as I was angry at him even though i wasn’t, I said to just leave me to calm down. He pushed to find out so I let rip. I did say a lot that I wasn’t mad at him and it wasn’t his fault and I know he told them no etc... but it ended in a massive argument and we still haven’t spoke! To sum it up he basically said what can he do about it! To which I may or may not have screamed ‘grow some balls and sort it out’ oops. His final words were if they are gonna continue to come between us he will just go see them alone with DS in future to save me getting upset!

How do I speak to him about it properly because I’ve blooming tried in the past and it’s not getting through. I feel annoyed that they are coming between us when we generally have a lovely relationship! And most importantly... how do I tackle this with PILs? I don’t think I’ll bring this occasion up to them, but I need some ammunition for the next time, what to say etc as it’s happening?

Apologies it so long, it could have been way longer with the amount of shit they do that winds me up!! Please some help before I end up flipping at them

Stop pushing YOUR issues on to your DP to sort out, its unfair on him having to do your dirty work for you. If you have an issue speak to them yourself, but to be brutal @TLBftm i think you need to lighten up. Your DP has much of a say in your baby's life and he did not seem to mind your little one having chocolate.

I would have just physically taken DS away from whoever had him and said "I said no, he's only 9 months!" You really don't have to say anything else. You are his mum, that much sugar will give him an upset tummy (and probably interesting nappy!) I get that you don't want to cause a rift, but he's far too little to have that much chocolate.

What are your dh's teeth like?
They sound ghastly.
You should have said no. Given them three chances and left.

Absolutely they’re his parents and his business to deal with. Do NOT send him to visit on his own with your DS, he has shown no inclination whatsoever to protect your child from their ridiculous boundary stomping. If he wants to visit he can do so alone, feel free to put them in time outs if they want to act like toddlers they’ll get treated like them. If he visits they’ll still give your son all that rubbish and more, and they’ll have no resistance, in fact the might be delighted not to have that pesky DIL interfering. Imagine in the future what your son will think having observed you and your DP letting his parents treat you like that? He’ll know granny and grandad are the figures of authority and all he has to do if he wants something is to get them onside. He’ll learn that Dad doesn’t support Mum, but that doesn’t matter because he gets to stuff himself with chocolate.
When your husband says he doesn’t know what you saying something will do you your relationship, you can tell him that his behaviour and lack of support for you is destroying both your relationship with your PILs, but it might well erode the love and trust you have in him! He’s a Dad for Gods sake, not a child! You have my sympathies, and I hope DP comes around to protecting his nuclear family before it’s too late for your relationship

It sounds like you are both bad at standing up to PIL.

Assuming your DH agrees with you, one of you needs to step up and assert your boundaries.

It appears your DH tried and failed. I know many are saying that it’s DH parents so it’s his problem, but he’s tried unsuccessfully and might not be the best person if he’s too close and worried about upsetting them. You might have to be the bad guy.

If you do want to address the issue now (and i’d question if you need to now as it’s kind of done with and over so you are picking a fight after the event when you should have picked them up on it at the time) I wouldn’t text as things easily get misinterpreted. You also need to be able to assert your boundaries at the time of each event in person going forwards, so you might as well try to handle it now like an adult and not hide behind your phone. I’d say do it in person or at least speak to them via telephone, but wait until you are calm.

Write down what you want to say, sticking to your core message. You’ll only inflame the situation if you go on about the other child not getting sweets for example. Thats irrelevant really. The point is, they need to follow your wishes as parent. So something like “I am upset that you ignored both mine and DH wishes in the club the other day and proceeded to give my baby lots of chocolate when repeatedly asked not to. Please respect mine / DH wishes going forwards.”

Then, regardless of whether you’ve spoken to them about this event or just decided to tackle it as and when future events arise, your actions are / should be the same.

Get up and move you baby from the situation next time you are ignored, saying something like “I have asked you not to do that.” If it continues, then leave. Every time. They’ll soon stop (Zoe if not at least you’ve protected your child).

There is no point sitting quietly, letting the behaviour continue and then fuming about it. You are a parent, so parent.

The DP is at fault for not standing up to his parents. Letting him take the baby to see them without the OP would be a disaster waiting to happen. She would be at home without any volition over what happened to her child knowing the PIL were force feeding the child unhealthy junk and doing who knows what with the baby.

I think some assertiveness training/ techniques are needed here.

Horrible though it would have been for your baby, I do wish he'd thrown up all that chocolate all over them. That would have been poetic retribution and serve them right.

I get that you were trying not to upset everyone and the evening, but next time just pick him up and say "time we were going since we were only popping in to say hello and I don't want him being fed chocolate just before his tea, like last time. "

And also don't go to the club again.

“ Do NOT send him to visit on his own with your DS, he has shown no inclination whatsoever to protect your child from their ridiculous boundary stomping.”

Are you seriously suggesting the OP attempts to ban her dh from visiting his own parents with his child in case they give him chocolate?

I think you and your dh need to agree some boundaries. It’s not worth bringing up what happened with them. Rather if / when it happens again you say “No thank you. DS a baby and he won’t be eating that junk again”. Any objections “Ds is our child and we will decide when or if he is going to eat treat food.”

I’m late 40’s. I also no longer put up with this shit having been through a nightmare this past 10 years with my family. My mother can be a lovely woman as long as I do exactly as I am told and hang off her every last word. Problem is I’m a human being in my own right and the moment I object to anything, however small or however gently, she gets nasty.

Look back over your interactions with your pil. You will probably see you’ve got on so well with them by deferring to them and letting the relationship be exclusively on their terms. And let that be the last time you meet them in the club or be around them when they’re pissed.

I don't think you need to stop visiting the in-laws, or to ban your husband from taking the baby there: simply go together and agree beforehand that you will back each other up and be prepared to walk out if there is any more of this behaviour. If you're united it really doesn't matter if the rest of the family chip in.

You don’t need to “kick off” and rant and rave like a fishwife. But you are a mother now and there will be a few instances where you need to advocate for your child and other adults won’t like it. You need to work on calm but firm assertiveness. Many women are people pleasers but sometimes you have to put that to one side - good luck!

If you popped in for a "quick drink" how come you were there long enough for them to force feed your DS 3 chocolate bars?

You and your DP need to have a calm frank discussion. You need to have the car keys - and if you pop into see PIL again and they start ignoring your wishes/overstepping your boundaries - you pick up your child and leave (with or without DP).

And who the F thinks 3 chocolate bars is okay for a 9 month old?!!!

Thats not pushing a boundary but marching past that one and every other one normals people have.

@Mesacasa yes I meant social club too. Full of pissed up families. My DH worked in them collecting glasses when he was mollested by pissed up old women constantly!

Your DP doesn’t get it. It’s normal to him. How in the hell does him taking baby to see them without you solve anything?
You just wo t see al the crap they do to him. Oh can you imagine how much fun they’ll have with “baby’s first taste of beer”.

Stop seeing them. If DP wants to see his family he can go alone, you’re busy raising your child. Don’t reward people who disrespect you and put your child’s in harms way,

Take a break from them, if they ask tell them truth “will spend time with you when you can be respectful”. A grandparents only job is to support the parents not fill baby with crap to make GPS feel warm and fuzzy.

Refuse to see them in club, limit future visits to a brief pop in and LEAVE as soon as they start acting badly.

Imagine you baby growing up , saying no and being ignored, being uncomfortable/unhappy yet ignored. Imagine teaching them that how they feel or what they NEED isn’t as important as what GP’s want.

Your child is not a toy, some for others. Sod waiting in DO to step up, protect your child. And I say that with kindness, I have shitty, bastarding, racist, ignorant in-laws and a DD with additional needs so you can imagine the nonsense I’ve dealt with. It’s hard, but you CAN do it, good luck and tell the idiots to stop giving your child diabetes😡

Re-reading your OP- you probably need to work on yourself a bit if you're incapable of a middle ground between being walked over and kicking off. It's not one or the other.

You can calmly assert yourself, repeat if need be, remove yourself and child if need be without 'kicking off'.

If you lose your temper you lose the moral high ground and they will find it easier to dismiss what you say. If you're calm, firm and consistent then they'll just look like twats if they argue or wail about it.

It makes me so cross when grandparents take over in this way. You definitely need to make a stand now otherwise it will only get worse.

@TLBftm get yourself an assertiveness book (there are loads on amazon - from about £2 for Kindle versions).

Think about a few "stock phrases" you will use - practice them in front of the mirror if it helps.

Use them.

I can also be too much of a people pleaser so know how horrible the thought of "making waves" can be. But for your DS and your sanity you have to.

There's no need to kick off and make a big scene. It's your baby - just remove him from the situation. You don't even need to leave , just move round to a different part of the group.
Fwiw what you're describing isn't a PIL problem. It happens often with grandparents and you need to decide what you're willing to let slide and what's important to you. We never gave DS chocolate. DM and DSIS always tried to give him some as a treat.
After he was about 2, I decided that actually the tiny amount they gave him when we visited wasn't going to ruin his life or his teeth. We also started to give him tiny bits occasionally at home so he didn't view chocolate as a forbidden treat that he had to stuff in his face when out with other relatives. He has grown up with a great attitude to food and will always pick fruit or veg over chocolate.
If you can't see why they treat their gc differently from a stranger in a pub, then you're either naive or disingenuous. You're in a power struggle because you're choosing to be. Stop fighting with your DH about this. It's impossible to force-feed a baby a packet of buttons, a milky way and a kinder without there being ample opportunity for you to swoop in and lift him away to another part of the room or to intercept the chocolate and say we'll take it home for later. Then you can either put it in the bin or eat it yourself later.

What PomBear first said I agree with. Thank Jesus I don't have to deal with any GPs from the other side because a situation like yours would end up with me in the news. Try to make up with your DP don't let their pig headedness create tension in your relationship.

FIL tried to pass baby chocolate

“No FIL it’s too close to baby’s tea time” move child to your lap

MIL tries to pass baby choc

Turn to baby “no chocolate darling it’s almost your tea time and it’s bad for your teeth”.

PIL family “oh come let them spoil their grandchild

“I’m sure your not encouraging them to Create long term bad eating habits. I’m sure grandma and grandpa want the baby to be healthy without being overweight or have any health problems or bad teeth.”

I’d they continue

Stand up with baby and tell DP that you are going for a short walk to get some fresh air.

Some really good advice on this thread OP.

The problem is that your husband has been conditioned to think this is ok, given that he pretty much grew up in the social club. They're vile places anyway, full of pissed people. Don't take your child there again.

The problem here isn't actually the ILs as you can see them as much or as little as you like. The problem is your husband. You need to see eye to eye on this and his suggestion of taking the baby without you just shows how clueless he is. Out of sight, out of mind is his rationale and that's clearly bullshit.

Learning to be assertive is hard. But you simply have to do it. You don't have to rant and rave because you don't ever let it get to that stage.

Having a stern face and being able to confidently say NO to these people is the only way that you're going to take back some control. If they don't listen then you get up and leave.

I think you need to accept that your relationship with them is going to be damaged. They will hate being told no, but for the sake of your child, it has to be done.

Thank you all. Enjoyed going through the comments this morning. Whoever said i sound a ‘wet lettuce’ I bloody feel like one, I’m even more annoyed at myself now for not being better in that situation.

I know there is an in between being walked over and kicking off... but I do think I would have kicked off when i felt attacked by the whole family who I know would have all piped up.

Still not spoken to DP... and no we won’t be bobbing to the club no more. I said that too, said in future we won’t be attending situations where they are drinking. BUT.... and I’m annoyed and need a solution.... Christmas this year is obvs a bit different for us. Usually we would travel to my DM/DD early morn, speaks a couple hours there and then head to PILs for dinner. The bulk of the day is normally spent with them. Then Boxing Day we go spend with my parents. This year we are doing it the other way. As PILs are going out for Xmas dinner and I don’t think that’s fair on DS to be away from his new toys etc. So it means we are spending Boxing Day with them... it got mentioned in the club that on Boxing Day they ‘just go sit in club all day’ as there are turns on etc etc. Am I heck sitting in there all day with them and DS! I said to DP while we were arguing that we wouldn’t be doing that and he said we are as we have already agreed to spend that day with them etc. I do not wanna do that!! How do I get out of that?

That amount of chocolate is obscene for a child of that age, it’s your job to protect his best interests and you should have taken action to remove him from that situation. It’s your DH’s responsibility too, he also should have done something.
If saying something doesn’t work and people are refusing to listen, move your child away from them and take him home. Actions speak louder than words.

You need a calm chat with your DP. Does he really have no problem with what they do, or is he just unable to stand up to them?

What's best for your child should be the driving force here. If that means offending your IL's then so be it.

In regards to Boxing Day, just take your DC along for an hour, then take him home. Unless you have a problem with missing out I don’t see that there would be an issue with that. No normal person would expect a young child to sit in a club for hours, and if they do, they’re clearly just ridiculous and their opinions aren’t worth worrying yourself over.

Do what’s right for your DC. If your husband wants to spend all day sat in the club let him crack on with it and enjoy a lovely few hours relaxing with your DC. I’ve always found that in these situations, if you make your point calmly and with sensible reasoning about DC’s best interests being the main focus, people can’t argue with it and if they do, they just end up looking silly and selfish themselves.