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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset?

91 replies

Jellybeansincognito · 20/10/2019 19:58

My husband has spent the day trying to wind me up, the final straw however was when he brought up something that happened in my past and said it was my fault.

What is this thing that’s my fault your probably wondering?

When I was 16 I had a boyfriend and a male best friend, my boyfriend broke up with me one day (I wasn’t ready for the sex stuff, he was) and my me best friends family had gone on holiday without him, I went to his and we raided the alcohol cupboard- I was pretty much gone.
I remembered I’d thrown up on myself (only time I’ve ever been sick from drinking, I know.. not wise but I was 16 and 16 year olds aren’t exactly known to be sensible).
And knew that my friend had removed my top to wash it for me. He put me on the sofa.
I don’t really know what happened next apart from the fact I woke up when it was very dark and still being drunk wasn’t sure why he was on top of me- I was so drunk and disorientated I didn’t stay conscious and didn’t think about this again until the next morning when I woke up sober and went to the toilet to discover I’d been bleeding.

It took me days for my friend to admit that he had sex with me.

I felt disgusting and a lot of people turned against me because I wanted to report it, they all blamed me for being drunk.
I never reported it because of this.

The one person who is supposed to love me and be there for me is making me feel just like I did back then and I don’t know where to go from here.

Hand hold please?

OP posts:
GoodGriefSunshine · 20/10/2019 20:40

If you feel stuck now OP, imagine how you will feel in 5 years...or 10....or a lifetime. However hard it seems, you must get out now. NOW. It will be less daunting that you think. x

RandomMess · 20/10/2019 20:42

It's so sad Sadtransfer the CB money into your account, not difficult if in both names.

Elieza · 20/10/2019 20:44

Your fault you were sick through drink.
The guys at fault for raping you. That wasn’t your fault, you weren’t even conscious.

Get down to womens aid and find out what your options are. Your husbands horrible. Someone who loves you wouldn’t behave the way he did. He’s a controlling ass. Sorry OP.

Slappadabass · 20/10/2019 20:47

Your husband is a arsehole. And it definitely 100% wasn't your fault.

EKGEMS · 20/10/2019 20:48

I'd be rehearsing my 999 phone call and drafting his "suicide" note-what a sonofabitch motherfucker

PowerFlowerrr · 20/10/2019 20:50

He sounds like a complete arsehole.

Bourbonbiccy · 20/10/2019 20:51

He sounds horrible and controlling. How old is your child ?

Could you speak to women's aid or shelter and try and get something arranged before he gets any idea of your plans.

yellowallpaper · 20/10/2019 20:52

Firstly ensure you have no more children with this monster and then start your road to independence. Get a job, learn to drive, see a solicitor and get rid of him. See a counsellor who will tell you how badly you are being treated. Call women's aid about the rape for at least some perspective on whose fault it really was (the rapist). Do the 'Freedom program' You are being abused by this bastard, don't ever forget it. Toughen up and take no more of his shit.

username578999 · 20/10/2019 20:52

Wtf at 16 or any age but at 16 you don't know your limits getting drunk has put you in a vulnerable position but you were with a supposed friend not some stranger .
I don't understand why now I assume years later your husband has brought it up and to wind you up who does that ?

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 20/10/2019 20:52

Op I would be suggesting that your dh has raped women before in a similar manner, except he doesn’t see it as rape.
He was pressuring you to kiss and cuddle him. This is sexually aggressive behaviour.

You did not deserve to be raped. It was not your fault!

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 20/10/2019 20:54

I think women's aid would be a good place to start. You can email or call. Give them an outline of everything that's happening, and they will be able to help you.

You're not stuck, I have been in an abusive relationship, that I didn't even see as abusive until I left and got some healthy boundries in place for myself.

You're not stuck, it may be tricky, but, if its what you want, you can absolutely do it Flowers

Jayaywhynot · 20/10/2019 20:54

That is outrageous, my OH tried to embarrass me once with a story that I'd told him which happened years before id met him, not an event on the scale of what happened to you but I soon shut that shit down. Reading MN regularly I'm surprised how many woman do not have access to money or their own money, sahm etc. Its like we've gone backwards, men are still controlling woman both mentally and financially. Financial control is a crime but woman are still trapped as if you report it how do you feed your DC? Its shocking and I have no advice for you but Flowers

Original poster
Jellybeansincognito · 20/10/2019 20:59

They’re both under 5s.
I have use of Apple Pay/ bank details in the shipping apps but yeah, I don’t have full access and he tends to ask what I’ve bought etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jellybeansincognito · 20/10/2019 20:59

Shopping not shipping

OP posts:
hotdogwoof · 20/10/2019 21:26

Contact woman's aid op. They can set you up with everything.

Phone child benefit and get it transferred over to your name and your own bank account.

saveallyourkisses · 20/10/2019 21:40

OP I'm really sorry to hear you're going through such a difficult time.
What happened when you were 16 was absolutely not your fault, don't allow your husbands mean, manipulative actions to make you question that.
I have worked in domestic abuse victim support services and there are a few things that raise red flags to me by some of your posts on this thread. Certainly there looks to be an extent of financial control being exerted by your husband who questions your spending, removes your access to funds and belittles your ability to manage money with, from what you suggest, no evidence of this.
You also mentioned the driving incident today. That behaviour was incredibly dangerous and, unfortunately, a very commonly used tactic by abusers to frighten and intimidate their victims. When you are driving you are in a position of control, most people who behave in a non-abusive way don't consider this to be something to exploit, but abusers can often take this opportunity to push their oppressive boundaries further and to get the fear reaction they enjoy. It's also a big concern that it sounds like your DC would have been in the car. It was therefore more important to your husband to score these points than to care for his children appropriately.
It's also worth mentioning that in some decision making authorities, it's very relevant who is in receipt of child benefit for the children, especially if you are separated parents. For example, if you were to choose a particular school for your DC for admission and your ex partner chose another, as you both have PR, the decision is likely to come down to the parent who is in receipt of the child benefit having the overruling decision. Therefore, I would make it a priority to get this changed as soon as possible, as long as you feel safe to do so.

You do have options, and whilst this may all feel very scary at present, it would be worth at the very least speaking to your local Women's Aid organisation to get some advice, talk about your current situation and at least feel listened to.

ThanksThanksThanksThanks

Techway · 20/10/2019 21:56

OP, I am so sorry,he sounds awful.

I suspect the silent treatment when your mum died was because you were taking away attention from him.

How old are you? This type of man, one who can even think you were to blame, let alone articulate it, doesn't get better, only worse.
No matter what you say to him he won't want to empathise, because he has faulty thinking. It is very common for abusers to devalue you, often to try and get a reaction so you are labelled crazy. If your self esteem is low you will be more compliant.

Please call womens aid

fourforksake · 20/10/2019 23:16

www.lwa.org.uk/understanding-abuse/abusive-relationships/financial-abuse.htm

please have a read of this site and if you feel like any of the behaviour exhibited by your OH is flagged PLEASE get help Flowers

Sugarandspiceandallthat · 20/10/2019 23:56

He is a narcissist - google narcissistic personality disorder.

Look up how they behave on special occasions for a start. Then read up on all of the other traits and get back to us - it's definitely what he is.

keo8260 · 21/10/2019 02:23

He is awful and doesn't deserve you. I don't think child benefit can be in joint names as the named claimer gets the national insurance stamps for being the main carer. You need to check who it is being paid to and change it if it needs it. My neighbour had a similar situation and rang child benefit and they changed it back to her straight away.

Original poster
Jellybeansincognito · 21/10/2019 08:40

Points taken, thank you.

He wasn’t sorry at sorry, laughed at me last night like it was all a joke.
Disgusting.

OP posts:
Windydaysuponus · 21/10/2019 08:45

Please make plans to leave op. When I left I borrowed money from a relative and claimed benefits. Cb won't be in both names. It is payable to one person.. Set up an account and ask for it transfered. Get cashback on shopping and start saving...

Soulsista14 · 21/10/2019 09:27

Do you have a daughter? Ask him how he would feel if his teenage daughter was drunk and a man forced himself on her. Would it be your daughters fault?

Men like him sicken me.

Original poster
Jellybeansincognito · 26/10/2019 19:23

Can someone help?
Things have escalated this evening and I genuinely don’t know how to get out of this situation.

OP posts:
Winterdaysarehere · 26/10/2019 19:28

Ring the police of you are scared op. Do not think about repercussions - just make sure you are safe right now.