child arrangement order

[PAULFABS]

Hi , everyone i’m new to this , but i’ve been reading slot of the threads and in looking for advice and opinions . Basically i have a little girl of 4 yrs old . Me an her mum we’re constantly arguin etc etc and i was constantly being kicked out and having to go stay at mums , hotels etc until u decided it was toxic for my child and decided to make a break .Me and my ex have been ok to a certain extent and i used to have my daughter every tuesday thursday and saturday overnight .. when we were on and off etc .. then we ended up back together but at this point i had got my own house back ( it was rented out ). any way we continued to fall out and each time i’d have my daughter tuesday thursday saturday . until one night my daughter tells me mummy had a new friend who was sleeping in bed with her and her mummy .( less than a month after, i finally left ) i hit the roof . n sent her 3 or 4 nasty texts . nothing sent since . however she rang the police. . no action was taken and she then dictated that instead of having my daughter tues thursday and saturday . i now had to have her . tuesday , thursday ,one week and tuesday thurs fri saturday sunday the next .

i did this without ever letting her down and basically i had my daughter 7 days out of 14 month ..( joint custody in my eyes) in this period she was always threatening to stop me seeing her etc etc , but never did . but she would always change the arrangement to suit her ,ie if bank holidays fell in my weekend she would change it so she had her . constantly changing the rules . however recently she had said i can’t have her 7 out of 14 now . but only tues thurs one week n tues fri sat the next ( after i argued about payin maintenance cos i still have 45 pound a week even tho i had her half the time . she has change my daughters nursery without consulting me . n i am not happy with the current set up . i want my old days back and have since applied to get a court hearing , we will get a date soon enough .but her mum doesn’t know yet and has always threatened to stop me seeing my daughter if i went to court . how do i think a court will cure my situation ?

So you have gone from 6 days every 14 to 7 days every 14. Am I reading that correctly?
If so what is your issue with the new arrangement?
It seems like you both get 2 full weekends a month with your child which is better in my view and you can plan events/trips away better.
I do think a child arrangement order should be in place to reduce the threat of no contact by your ex but I struggle to see why you are unhappy about spending more time with your child.
Apologies if I have misunderstood.

I think court is good in this situation as order can be imposed. Otherwise it sounds toxic and frustrating all round.

no now she has said that i have to have my daughter 5 days out of 14 ( tues thurs one week ) and ( tues fri sat , the next n i have to drop her off every sunday tea time ) you might think i’m being petty . but me and my daughter have been in a routine fir 14 months and she all of a sudden wants to change it cos it fits in with her new routine with her new boyfriend.. but i don’t want to drop her off in a sunday as there is always a drama when it comes to droppin her off ( never in , or changing times etc ) plus i want something legally binding to stop the constant threats of not seeing my daughter etc . if she wants to do something in what is “ my weekend” she changes the routine constantly . basically it’s her way or no way . for instance my days are tuesdays . but it’s xmas eve on a tuesday this year .,, but sjevdil change it . so i just want something that is in place that we have to adhere to ., won’t let me take her on holidays etc etc .., it’s a control thing . but do u think me having my daughter 7 out of 14 days will hold me in good stead??

Hold you in good stead for what?

Judges tend to do what's in the best interest of the child and if something is already in place then they may stick to that.
The contact time that seems most popular is every other weekend and a day or so in the week.

You said the contact had changed to tuesday thurs fri saturday sunday the next but in your update you miss out the Thursday?

Anyway it does sound like a court order will be best all round and hopefully stop your ex changing things.
Courts usually request mediation first which will be paid for by both parents.

sorry i’m doin it on my phone . but now “her” dictation is . tues thurs one week . n tues friday saturday the next( drop her off sunday tea)
i have been to mediation and they have basically said it sounds as tho she won’t compromise to anythin and have signed it off for me to apply

hopefull they will reinstate the initial 7 out of 14 cos me and my daughter spent quality time on the sunday ! and she shouldn’t be xbox to change that after 14 month just cos she wants to ..

No idea which way the judge will go but your ex may argue that the old way meant she never spent a full weekend with her child as you had her every Saturday and a judge may agree that the new way is fairer.

Plus the old way was a bit haphazard with the Tues Thurs Sat at least the new way your DD gets 2 nights in a row with you.

Tbh the less back and forth the better for children. Your way is one day with you next with mum then the following day with you and so on and so forth. I can't imagine that is a good routine for the child.

Is there not a better compromise so that you both get a weekend with your child and its less toing and frowing for your daughter?

Also you didn't have her 7 out of 14 the old way. You clearly state it was Tues Thurs and Sat overnight so that 6 out of 14.
You keep changing the days.... Court is best I think.
Hope the judge does what's best for the child.

sorry ur reading it wrong . initially from being 6 month old when we kept splitting up , i’d have my daughter tues thurs and saturday

then 15 month ago she changed it to tues thurs one week and tues thurs friday saturday sunday the next( i was more than happy to do this) and this happened fir over 14 month ..
now 3 week ago for no reason ( other than i mentioned maintenance )
she has changed it yet again to
tues thurs one week , and tues fri sat the next!! cuttin 2 days off what we had in place for over 14 month ..
so i want to go to court to get things legal and hopefully get my 7 out of 14 days back . plus i want things in place as i never kno when she’s gonna change it again . this next week fir instance she won’t communicate with me and cos it’s school holidays i don’t kno where it when i’m pickin her up from ( i normally get her from nursery n drop back off there the following day . what do u think my chances of getting my old days back ??

I think you are applauded to want to actually spend time with your child.

I think court is the best way forward as it seems it has been difficult to make plans when she keeps changing your contact to suit her.

An arrangement has to suit the child first then the parents - but it seems this is about your child's mum rather than what is best all round.

Going to court means you will need to respect their decision, though, so be prepared that it could go either way.

I think you are applauded to want to actually spend time with your child

This comes across bad - what I mean is that you are her Dad and trying to see your child rather than walking away which a lot of Dads do.

Thankyou . my daughter is my world . and u have planned my life around her . i have a business with ten people working for me .. so i also need some forward planning in place as well for that reason .plus if i have my daughter in the 7 day out of 14 schedule . u ding have to have to have any contact with her mum as i pick her up from nursery and drop her off there . it’s only the school holidays that become an issue then . she has currently told me not to contact her , n if i need to contact her regarding my daughter i have to go thru her new boyfriend , who is a convicted drug dealer with convictions for violence etc ... so i def wont be doing that !!! i think the best course is court .itvwill break my heart to not see her for weeks/ months till it gets to court . but short term pain long term gain i suppose

A court ordered child arrangements order will ensure that you have recourse in law if your ex keeps playing silly buggers with your contact with your dc.

The child's welfare is paramount and children need consistency, which would appear to be something your ex is not prepared to consider but the court will certainly be taking on board.

Given that you've recently had a 50/50 arrangement with your ex, I see no reason why the court shouldn't award you a similar amount of contact and you should ask for the days/nights/weekends, holidays, Christmas, New Year, Easter, and other celebratory events to be set out in the order so that your ex is no doubt about her obligation to make your dc available for contact on those dates.

"if i need to contact her regarding my daughter i have to go thru her new boyfriend , who is a convicted drug dealer with convictions for violence etc"

Make sure the court is aware of the bf's convictions as a matter of fact rather than in a confrontational manner. In other words, keep your cool and let your ex's choice in bfs speak for itself.

As you say, 'short term pain - long term gain'. Remember you are doing this for your dc and your sole aim is to sort contact once and for all rather than score points off your ex. If you stick to this you'll most probably find that she'll drop herself in it right left and centre - liars always get found out.

thankyou . people i speak to about it are all under the same impression . it’s not like i have had her one night a week for over a yr . i’ve basically had joint custody and in my eyes she shouldn’t be able just to stop n change things just because she wants to .. i’m sure that if she stops contact until it gets to court , this will also put her in a bad light in the courts eyes. it’s just something that shouldn’t have to happen when all she needs to do is be fair and amicable . how can we co parent if she has blocked me for no reason !!! 2 week ago i had my daughter in friday and saturday and in the sunday i had to drop my daughter off at her mums , ( i found out her mum was away for weekend and i was leaving my daughter in y to be care if a 17 yr old . when i was more than willing to have her .. u didn’t know what to do 😢

You need to be factual with judge.

From x date to x date you did xxxxx and paid £x a week maintenance.

From x date to x date you did xxxxxx, this has been changed by the mother when she's needed or wanted to. You've paid £x maintenance.

From x date she wanted to return to xxxxxx. You want restore the 50:50. (7/14) will continue to pay £x. You don't want to days to change except for circumstances such as (wedding if family member etc). You want Xmas to be with whoever the day falls on. You are happy to compromise on the days to ensure each parent gets EOW and DD spends more consecutive days at each parents house.
You want it agreed that each parent has 2 consecutive weeks each in summer holidays so they can take dd on holiday if they wish.

State that you feel it's in your DD best interests to continue 50:50 as she's settled into that routine and has an equally good relationship with each parent.

What judges are wary of is that parents are doing this for their benefit - especially where new partners are involved.

from being 6 month old my daughter was at nursery . the minimum cost for a month was 800 pound ( i paid 450 , mum paid 350 ) the maximum was 920 ( i paid 510 she paid 410 )
i could have got away with payin 20 a week maintenance if i wanted to . but cos we were sharing custody i was more than will to pay more than my share ..now she is at a new nursery i pay her maintenance .. i went to get daughter from nursery the other night and the told me she couldn’t have any dinner the day after cos the bill had t been paid . !! i couldn’t even pay it cos office shut . so had to go get her packed lunch for day after . totally embarrassing . hopefull the court will see things the way everyone else seems to be doing. and that is , it’s her mum doin things to suit her etc and with. i regards for my little girl

" i found out her mum was away for weekend and i was leaving my daughter in y to be care if a 17 yr old . when i was more than willing to have her"

This isn't fair to you or right for your dc. Should it happen again, you would be within your rights to take your dc home with you and only hand her over to her mother,

Speak to your solicitor about the practicalities of obtaining a residence order. If successful, you would become your dc's primary carer and your ex would share 50/50 contact with you.

Do make sure that the court get the complete picture, including the fact that the nursery lunch bill hadn't been paid and that your dc would have gone without food if you hadn't provided a packed lunch for her at short notice.

it’s just a totally rubbish situation but i can’t even resolve it if she is blocking my number for no apparent reason . the bottom line is she’s a bully who uses my daughter to get one over on me .!. but every dog has its day i guess ..

I dont have time to read the thread but PLEASE br very careful about asking for advice on Mumsnet about this. There are some very anti dad anti men on here plus they do not have legal knowledge

Speak to a solicitor who specialises in this area x

You should have RTFT before butting in so rudely, Densol.

There's nothing anti-dad, anti-men here and some of us do have sufficient legal knowledge to advise the OP, even if that advice is confined to 'you should talk to your solicitor about that particular issue'.

Interesting point densol when every post supports the OP and one even advises how to get residency order so the mother shares contact.

Does your ex have relatives/friends she can call on to look after your dc when she wants to go out with her bf/other friends?

If not, I suspect she won't block you for long.

I agree with PPs to keep it factual.

Write a timeline of what has happened and when. If there is evidence of conviction/arrest for new boyfriend and evidence he is in the company of you child then make sure you have it for Court. Make sure you have a solicitor.

Not everyone is a man hater here. Everyone wants to support a Mum/Dad trying to do the best for their child.

Do make sure you get formal legal support - it is worth it. My friend's DS had to do this as his exWife kept driving their child around whilst she was drunk.