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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

child arrangement order

57 replies

PAULFABS · 20/10/2019 12:01

Hi , everyone i’m new to this , but i’ve been reading slot of the threads and in looking for advice and opinions . Basically i have a little girl of 4 yrs old . Me an her mum we’re constantly arguin etc etc and i was constantly being kicked out and having to go stay at mums , hotels etc until u decided it was toxic for my child and decided to make a break .Me and my ex have been ok to a certain extent and i used to have my daughter every tuesday thursday and saturday overnight .. when we were on and off etc .. then we ended up back together but at this point i had got my own house back ( it was rented out ). any way we continued to fall out and each time i’d have my daughter tuesday thursday saturday . until one night my daughter tells me mummy had a new friend who was sleeping in bed with her and her mummy .( less than a month after, i finally left ) i hit the roof . n sent her 3 or 4 nasty texts . nothing sent since . however she rang the police. . no action was taken and she then dictated that instead of having my daughter tues thursday and saturday . i now had to have her . tuesday , thursday ,one week and tuesday thurs fri saturday sunday the next .

i did this without ever letting her down and basically i had my daughter 7 days out of 14 month ..( joint custody in my eyes) in this period she was always threatening to stop me seeing her etc etc , but never did . but she would always change the arrangement to suit her ,ie if bank holidays fell in my weekend she would change it so she had her . constantly changing the rules . however recently she had said i can’t have her 7 out of 14 now . but only tues thurs one week n tues fri sat the next ( after i argued about payin maintenance cos i still have 45 pound a week even tho i had her half the time . she has change my daughters nursery without consulting me . n i am not happy with the current set up . i want my old days back and have since applied to get a court hearing , we will get a date soon enough .but her mum doesn’t know yet and has always threatened to stop me seeing my daughter if i went to court . how do i think a court will cure my situation ?

OP posts:
PAULFABS · 20/10/2019 19:50

i don’t get the pearl clutch part ?? 🤦‍♂️

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 21/10/2019 06:40

If contact between yourselves is strange then you gave say this.

Then ask for the order to stipulate how and when you should contact. For example many people have a specific email for this purpose that must be checked twice a week. If you think she'll say stuff to your face that she wouldn't write down you can ask for email contact only.

Russell19 · 21/10/2019 09:37

Nobody has mention the 3 or 4 nasty texts that she contacted the police about. What did they say? This will 100% be brought up in court so be prepared. It doesn't look great either.

PAULFABS · 21/10/2019 10:02

basically called her a “ slag “ wrong i know but was heat of the moment stress !! it was over 16 month ago n never had any thing rude off me since

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 21/10/2019 10:19

While you enjoyed the advice given to you about possibly getting an emergency residency order, you know your daughter isn't in any danger, so would you really do that to her? Because she'd be the victim.

".i asked her to explain why she has changed the arrangement SHE made . and she says it’s better for my Dd routine???"

Shell get an opportunity to explain that to Cafcass and the Judge.

Access does often have to change once they turn 4 and then when they go to school. They are more tired etc and a routine is better for the brain to process the new type of learning.

Access days don't count on events such as Birthday and Christmas. They should be negotiated separately. Acess does have to become flexible as after school clubs/friendships grow. Or the child misses out.

You don't have a secret weapon in the recordings that you have, the Judge will not get into tit-for-tat. If you make yourself look petty, that will go against you. Her behaviour could be seen as a reaction to verbal and emotional abuse, because that's what those nasty texts were and it sums up your opinion of Women.

She has a right to make a life after you split and as much as acess is for the benefit of the child, it does have to fit into the resident parent's routine, as well.

The Court will wonder why you didn't take action as soon as you found out about the boyfriend's past.

Again you've got to guard against looking petty. They'll ask you if you have any concerns about your ex having residency and if so, then reports will be requested and hearing dates will be set for when the Court has those reports.

If you left without your child, then they'll ask what's changed and when.

Hingeandbracket · 21/10/2019 10:30

I am a dad who has done this (been to Court and obtained an order)

Every case is different, but a few tips I'd offer are -

Court will want you to solve the issues via mediation if possible - try to do this if you can because it saves everyone a lot of time.

Maintenance has nothing to do with contact so contrary to advice from a poster above - other than maybe a passing reference to point out you are being responsible, a hearing about contact won't be discussing maintenance payments.

If you go to court, you don't need a lawyer with you, but you should really seek advice from one before going - I did a couple of fixed price sessions so I could ask her all my questions. In fact my lawyer encouraged me not to pay the extra to have her in court with me.

Be clear what you are asking for, keep it simple and don't argue about trivial things for no reason - keep an eye on the outcome.

If the ex is represented by a lawyer (as mine was) they may try to get get you to say stuff of try to make you argue - don't fall for it, just keep calm and keep to your statement of what you want.

The Court will try to make sure any order they make is in the interest of the child.

Ponoka7 · 21/10/2019 10:33

When a male relative of mine went to court without a solicitor, everyone made sure he understood the process and helped him clarify things.

They bent over backwards for him, but he chose to drop out when drug tests were requested.

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