To be a bit pissed off with my brother?

[Paraballa]

I probably am but this happened last year too so I wasn't expecting a repeat. I thought he'd seen how it didn't really work.

My bro is older than me, no kids though he did want them, his gf didn't (and is probably now too old). He loves my two loads and is a fab uncle when we see him, though that's not much.

It's his birthday soon. And like last year he has decided to book a pub which has a skittles alley, for a Saturday night.

On the group email to all his friends and me and OH, and my parents, he has obviously pointed out it's no kids. Because it's a pub at night.

Fair enough.

But it's 2 hours' drive from us, and the same from where he lives. It's near our parents where we will all need to stay in order to go.

However

If he and his gf stay my mum can't cope with me and my family there too (she's elderly). She used to be able to but this year decided she can't any more. Which is fine but awkward.

Even if we can stay there (can't afford a hotel if we can't) then dh or me have to stay to "babysit" our children at my parents'. We don't know any babysitters up there and my dad won't allow strangers in the house anyway.

Last year dh and I tag teamed but it was crap to be honest. Dh can't just stay in because he was my brother's friend for years before he and I got together and wants to see his friends. Plus they're more his friends than mine do they'd all rather see him than me. (I was always just bro's little sis and now I'm DH's wife IYSWIM?)

AIBU to be pissed off that we basically can't go? I feel really upset as it's like he's deliberately excluding me/us when if he picked, say, bowling in the day followed by drinks we could go at least for some of it.

I know i can't say anything but this year I think I will decline instead of trying to make it work and then having a crap time.

So AIBU and a crap sister to be pissed off and not go? Dh wants to go but it will end up me stuck "babysitting" and I may as well be at home really.

YABU to think he deliberately excluded you. I don’t know any childfree adults who would tailor their birthday celebration so that children could come. YANBU to not go though if you can’t.

Honestly I’d just send DH by himself, and stay at home.

If only one of us can go then there's no point going as DH will want to and I don't want to sit in my parents house on my own

You're making this into a drama and pinning blame on everyone without realising it's for you to find a solution.

I have always spent my brother's birthday with him, every year, so it's a big deal not to be able to go

It's not a big deal to him or he would have organised something child friendly. It's his birthday, he wants bowling in a pub. As others have said, have a birthday lunch for him with your DCs on another day.

He isn't unreasonable to do what he wants.

To be pissed off with you if you decline would make him very unreasonable though.

I don't think you can expect someone to plan their own birthday around your children. He's an adult wanting to go out in the evening to a pub. Of course he's not deliberately excluding you. It's an adults night out.

If you have children you either get a babysitter or don't go. If you can't get a babysitter then don't go. I don't think he's being difficult or awkward, it's just one of those things.

Why can't you go and DH stay in your own home with the kids?

I am no good at replying individually sorry. I don't know how to do it.

I didn't want solutions. There aren't any. I was hoping maybe for some sympathy but wrong forum I think!

Anyway I've told my mum we can't go, and why, to try and preempt any crossness. She doesn't actually want to go to the pub but feels she has to as DB will be hurt/cross if she doesn't.

I was mainly upset because he will get angry that I'm not there but has made it impossible for me to be there really. I don't want to go alone and leave DH and kids at our home as everyone will spend all evening asking where he is, because they'd probably prefer to see him than me.

I'm just feeling a bit unwanted and as my DB has always been dominant and got his own way I guess it's triggering childhood stuff in me. I probably shouldn't have posted.

But thanks for all the replies anyway :)

Then he's unreasonable and petulant OP. Your parents too if they get involved and get cross too. Is this a case of, if this was the other way around you would be expected to suck up declines from your brother for any reason but reasonable declines from you are met with annoyance?

Well to be perfectly honest, you brother sounds like a bit of a bully.

Your mum's scared of upsetting him, you're scared of him getting angry.

He sounds like a applied brat and his behaviour is enabled by all of you.

So what if he's pissed off with you?

He can arrange what he wants for his birthday, but not everyone will sing to his tune.

Grow a backbone and stand up to him.

I don't want to go alone and leave DH and kids at our home as everyone will spend all evening asking where he is, because they'd probably prefer to see him than me.

Who said this - no-one? It's just in your head? You are sounding a bit martyr-ish now OP, there is a solution to go on your own and it's terribly unfair to attribute those thoughts to other people when they are yours.

Don't second-guess what other people are thinking when they asked you to go. You can go, your DH can stay at home with the children and then there will be enough space to stay at your mums - and you get to see your brother on his birthday as usual.

spoiled not applied 😂

I don't want to go alone and leave DH and kids at our home as everyone will spend all evening asking where he is, because they'd probably prefer to see him than me.

When people ask where he is you tell them he's at home with the children. They're not asking because they'd prefer him to be there they're asking because they're making conversation.

If you genuinely want to go then you should. If you only want to go because you don't want your family to be cross with you then don't.

Can't dh's parents look after the kids for the night?

Surely you simply say that as dad won’t allow strangers in the house we cannot get a babysitter so won’t be able to go

Or you get a babysitter at your house and drive home in the small hours/ first thing the next day

I can’t figure out if you actually want to go but can’t, or if you’d rather feel annoyed with your brother for organising something that isn’t perfectly suited to your family.

Well if your DB get dibs on staying with parents as it’s his birthday, then you both can’t go. So decide if you want to spend 4 hours driving just to go to the pub. If you do, then go. If you don’t, ask DH if he’d like to.

I think you’re unreasonable for thinking other people will be annoyed at you for not going when it sounds completely reasonable to not go! Although I’d be pissed off if DH wanted to get a hotel that you couldn’t afford.

communication is key as always.

Tell him: DB I want to go but - and explain what you said here.
if he's cross because you're not going - repeat what the issues are
if he's still cross tell him to either change the arrangements to suit you, or STFU

I've been thinking a lot about this. I think the main problem is that yes, DB is a bit of a bully. I'm a bit scared of him but I also love him and want a relationship with him. He doesn't actually make any effort to have a relationship with me. I do it all. He won't ever come stay with us, I don't know why. I do ask him. When we meet up it's always on his terms. He is usually late without apology. Last time he left me and the kids waiting in the pouring rain because he decided to do something else even though we travelled two hours to see him. I tried to say something but he got really easy with me, a bit aggressive, so I backed down.
I think I'm upset because I'm realising I won't ever have the kind of sibling relationship I want with him so this issue has brought it all to the fore and I'm now feeling all the Pent up feelings of years.
Probably should have put this in relationships. I feel quite sick.

Arsy not easy.

I feel for you. I have a complicated relationship with an older brother and feel like the family revolves a bit around his moods. Sounds like you’ve actually worked out some perspective on this. Stay at home and feel pleased that you’ve anticipated the angst it would cause by having gone and get a good take away, or friends round or something that feels (a bit) like compensation and celebrate that you’re breaking the cycle! Ignore his cross ness though it’s hard. X

He's really not worth the headspace.

I was going to suggest you tag team with your mum if she isn’t keen on going. She could pop along for an hour at the start then come home so you can go.

But with your latest update I’d say honestly don’t bother. A breezy ‘sorry can’t make it but have a great birthday’ should do it. If your partner wants to go to catch up with friends then fair enough. Then think about your relationship with your family very hard. You seem to have internalised a feeling of being much less important than anyone else. Why is this?

He sounds like a nasty bully, I'm not surprised you are feeling sick. You love him but you can dislike and distrust him at the same time.

You said your husband is his friend, does he not see the poor treatment your brother deals you?

Can you speak to someone neutral? A counsellor perhaps?

Oh you poor thing.

Yet again a single issue has brought the real issue out.

Remember you cannot change other people only your reaction to them

You should never be scared of anyone’s reaction

Use this as the first step in setting healthy boundaries. “ happy birthday bro. Afraid we won’t be able to come as too complicated childcare. We will take you out for lunch on x date instead

Big fuss over birthdays for adults is something I will never understand.

I think it's a big step for you OP to have come to some realisation of the (crap) dynamics here.

That story about your brother leaving you and the DC in the rain while he did something more important to him - and then got you to shut up by being arsey with you - that's very telling. He's not a great uncle. And I'd be interested to know what your DH thought about that episode. Is he in thrall to your brother as well, by any chance?

You sound worn down by it.