To be a bit pissed off with my brother?

[Paraballa]

I probably am but this happened last year too so I wasn't expecting a repeat. I thought he'd seen how it didn't really work.

My bro is older than me, no kids though he did want them, his gf didn't (and is probably now too old). He loves my two loads and is a fab uncle when we see him, though that's not much.

It's his birthday soon. And like last year he has decided to book a pub which has a skittles alley, for a Saturday night.

On the group email to all his friends and me and OH, and my parents, he has obviously pointed out it's no kids. Because it's a pub at night.

Fair enough.

But it's 2 hours' drive from us, and the same from where he lives. It's near our parents where we will all need to stay in order to go.

However

If he and his gf stay my mum can't cope with me and my family there too (she's elderly). She used to be able to but this year decided she can't any more. Which is fine but awkward.

Even if we can stay there (can't afford a hotel if we can't) then dh or me have to stay to "babysit" our children at my parents'. We don't know any babysitters up there and my dad won't allow strangers in the house anyway.

Last year dh and I tag teamed but it was crap to be honest. Dh can't just stay in because he was my brother's friend for years before he and I got together and wants to see his friends. Plus they're more his friends than mine do they'd all rather see him than me. (I was always just bro's little sis and now I'm DH's wife IYSWIM?)

AIBU to be pissed off that we basically can't go? I feel really upset as it's like he's deliberately excluding me/us when if he picked, say, bowling in the day followed by drinks we could go at least for some of it.

I know i can't say anything but this year I think I will decline instead of trying to make it work and then having a crap time.

So AIBU and a crap sister to be pissed off and not go? Dh wants to go but it will end up me stuck "babysitting" and I may as well be at home really.

Has DH got any family that could have the DC overnight?

parents will be upset if I don't but not upset enough to let a babysitter be on their premises? Anyway this is a red herring if you say there is not enough room for you all to stay at your parents.
Now is the time to change the tradition of always spending birthdays together. It was nice whilst it was practical and no doubt, when your DC are independent you can resurrect the practice. Until then, meet up for a lunch mid-way the weekend after the birthday.

He is your brother, so your DH should be the one babysitting, but anyway if you have nowhere to stay then how can you go ?
Can you arrange a daytime thing soon, or have him over to yours and make a special supper ?

Sirvix I think it's the whole family that can't stay but it looks like it would be ok for the OP to stay so she could go alone and leave her husband and children at home.

Why, if he's your brother and you spend his birthday with him every year that if it came to it that only one of you were able to go it would be your husband?

Surely if it means that much to you your husband would stay home with the children and allow you 1 night away.

@PurpleDaisies - Why don’t you get that adults still like to celebrate birthdays? Very odd.

I know adults still like to celebrate birthdays, but I don't understand why a party is being organised where there is an expectation that people will attend, no matter how inconvenient and that the birthday boy will be "cross" if someone doesn't attend.

Adults birthdays are usually "we're going out for a few drinks in such-a-place on such-a-date hope you can make it." Then replies are usually either "See you there" or "sorry, can't make it. Have a good one".

This party seems to be a much bigger deal, or OP is making it a much bigger deal than it needs to be.

I'd just say you cannot go and leave it at that. Your parents and brother cannot be cross with you for not going. When it is your or your dh's birthday then you can organise a trip that you would prefer, invite your brother and all will be good.

Have you asked your brother his solution?

So you have zero childcare options. Db has organised a party so you need childcare. Dh doesn't want to miss out. Parents cant help. You cant afford a hotel. Yet you think no one on here understands how important it is you go?? What answer do you actually expect?

This all seems very convoluted. Can't you just have your kids do a sleepover for the weekend with their friends and you go away and attend the birthday? I'm sure you could reciprocate at some stage (unless your kids are super young and can't be left?)

Just don’t go and say that you can’t get childcare.

I think he will be cross if we don't go and my parents will be upset if I don't

If your parents won’t babysit-what do they and your brother think you/DH should do??

It seems more logical for you to go on your own, OP, if you want to see your brother on his birthday. Your DC will have your DH at home to look after them and if only you go, there might be room in your parent's house for you to stay there. Win-win.

Many elderly grandparents are capable of babysitting, in their own home, for a few hours.
And if they can't, and won't let anyone else come in to babysit, they certainly can't get upset at you not going.

He can’t get upset if you don’t go to something that doesn’t suit your family

So you think he will be cross if you don't go but also feel that he is deliberately excluding you.

Why mention he has no kids, loves your kids and is a fab uncle but doesn't see them often? Do you feel he should want to see your kids on his birthday?

He isnt doing anything wrong. He cant plan his birthday around your babysitting needs. U could explain the situation to him and suggest bowling or whatever with DC before the event planned with friends and see if that works for him. Or ask a friend/parents in law to watch your dc at your house and attend overnight with your husband that way only the adults are staying with your parents. Or agree your husband goes this year and u go next year/are owed a boozy lunch or similar with db at a later date. Or invite db and his wife for a belated birthday at yours the following weekend. Lots of options. But u cant expect the birthday to be tailed to your familys needs.

Will the pub not allow the kids until 9 or so? Can your parents not look after them for a couple of hours? How old are they? The children I mean! Is it possible for you to settle them for the night and then go out?

Nobody seems to compromise- your parents or you.

Marriedwithchildren5 and MintyMabel.
You've both echoed my thoughts.

Explain that it was crap last time so not doing it again. Suggest family lunch in the day before hand then they can do adult thing later.

Don't feel bad about it. If your brother actually wanted you all there he would have picked something family friendly to accommodate his nieces/nephews too.

Your parents will be upset if you don’t go but they won’t babysit?

How old are the dc? Personally I just wouldn’t go.

It's his birthday so he should celebrate the way he wants without having to accommodate other people.

I do agree that it's not viable for you and the family to go. I'd tell him you won't be able to make it because the kids can't come, so would it be OK to spend some quality time together the day before/day after, or even another weekend. That way you don't have to "share him" as such, because he'll want to obviously be sociable with his friends, too.

I don't understand why you just don't go by yourself to your brothers party and leave DH at home with the kids. If you always spend his birthday with him then just do that? Not sure why the whole family need to go up if it's an adult night in the pub?

I don't really understand the issue. You can explain how it's impossible for you to come logistically (as you've spelt it out above) and see what he says. Together you can come up with an understanding or a plan to meet another time. I never celebrate my brother's birthday with him as adult.