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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sad

64 replies

heykarumba · 19/10/2019 20:30

My sister and I are in our 30s and we're really close. We talk everyday etc.

At the beginning of the year she met someone and I was really happy for her. At the beginning I didn't miss us not seeing each other as I knew she was starting a new relationship and things would be intense.
But it's coming up to a year and I hardly see her at all now. I feel like she's moved on and basically dumped me. I know it sounds really childish but I'm hurt. I've got young children/toddlers and I would really appreciate her being around a little more. I see other sisters together with their babies and it breaks my heart as I thought we'd be like this.

She talks about his sisters and how they hang out and I just feel left out and sad. He lives quite far from where we live (as in not down the road.)

Aibu? I am really happy for her but I just feel excluded as we were really close. And also I could really do with her help sometimes - I think that's what family is for. When she needs help in the future I'll be there for her also but I feel we're drifting apart.

I'm just keeping my distance and trying to create a support network.

OP posts:

Zebraaa · 19/10/2019 20:35

Just from what you’ve posted it sounds a little one sided. Did she always have to make the effort to come and help you with your kids?
Just curious :)
Not unreasonable to like spending time with your sister or having family help, just unfair if you’ve always seen her as the single sister with no life to help you.

slashlover · 19/10/2019 20:40

Do you miss her or do you miss her help? Do you ever ask her to meet up to go shopping/go for lunch etc?

summersherewishiwasnt · 19/10/2019 21:03

Yanbu to feel sad. Children change the dynamic, could that be it?

Jollitwiglet · 19/10/2019 21:06

You say you are keeping your distance, have you tried talking to her about it and taken the initiative to do stuff with her?

Original poster

heykarumba · 19/10/2019 21:12

@summersherewishiwasnt I think it's that. I'm so frustrated by some things she does now as I'm like , you don't have a hard life 🙈 . I understand that you can't understand having kids if you don't have them and it's all relative. I just don't have the patience for it.

OP posts:

slashlover · 19/10/2019 22:13

I think it's that. I'm so frustrated by some things she does now as I'm like , you don't have a hard life 🙈 . I understand that you can't understand having kids if you don't have them and it's all relative. I just don't have the patience for it.

This honestly reads like you think you have a hard life because you have kids and therefore she should be helping you.

ThreeLittleDots · 19/10/2019 22:22

I, I, I. She's not your slave!

Zebraaa · 19/10/2019 23:51

Ugh your update showed exactly why she’s keeping away!

Original poster

heykarumba · 20/10/2019 07:23

I'm literally on my knees sometimes. I can't work because I can't afford childcare, even though I want to.

OP posts:

BillywilliamV · 20/10/2019 07:25

This isn’t your sister’s responsibility though. You must see that?

Original poster

heykarumba · 20/10/2019 07:27

I see that of course I do. Everyone needs someone sometime. If she has kids she is going to want help sometimes too. No man is an island. I just feel she doesn't care.

OP posts:

NoSauce · 20/10/2019 07:28

I’m sorry that you’re feeling sad but these are your children. Your sister deserves her happiness and freedom to do whatever she wants. Did you put on her a lot before she got together with her boyfriend?

Do you have a partner? Other family? How old are your dc?

Maybe invite her round for a nice lunch soon, do something for her?

Ihateedmundelephant · 20/10/2019 07:29

Personally I disagree that family is for helping out. It sounds like you want your sister around to help out with your children and to be honest if she doesn’t have children herself then it’s probably quite boring for her. Maybe if you invited her on some child-free days/nights out then she might make more effort? Before I had kids I wouldn’t have ditched my boyfriend or fun childfree friends to hang out with a family member and help out with their kids, to be honest. I don’t mean this in a horrible way but it sounds like you need to make more effort with her and not just expect her to come round to yours and hang out with you and your kids / help out. If you want a close relationship again then obviously something needs to change.

Original poster

heykarumba · 20/10/2019 07:30

Yes I put her first often before boyfriend. Dc are under 2. I know she has the freedom. I'm just saying we are drifting apart and it hurts as we were supposed to be there for each other. I'm married and my husband is supportive but it's really hard sometimes.

OP posts:

KatherineJaneway · 20/10/2019 07:33

It reads more that you want her support in your day to day life than her friendship.

Original poster

heykarumba · 20/10/2019 07:35

Aren't they related? I help her out and she helps me out?

OP posts:

NoSauce · 20/10/2019 07:38

OP you are two independent women with your own lives.

I'm just saying we are drifting apart and it hurts as we were supposed to be there for each other

This is worrying. She is there for you but she has a boyfriend and a life that she’s enjoying. Nobody is supposed to be anything for anyone, OP.

My wild guess here is that you relied on her too much and maybe even put on her with regarding emotional and practical support with the dc and it got too much and since she’s been with her boyfriend she feels lighter. Sorry if that’s harsh.

Ring her, try and arrange a day together doing something nice. Don’t just leave it up to her as I guess you will be waiting a while.

PrincessPain · 20/10/2019 07:46

YABU.
A year in is still the super exciting sexy stage of the relationship (something I'm sure your enjoyed with your DH without being made to feel guilty from your sister).
At a year into my relationship I'd much rather spend all day shagging and laughing with my boyfriend then look after my sisters kids.
It might sound shitty, but she didn't choose to have your kids, you and your DH did, maybe he needs to step up more, or maybe someone else can help? But clearly your sister doesn't really want to. Even when she does visit it doesn't even sound like it would be a nice visit, it sounds like it would be all about you.

slashlover · 20/10/2019 07:48

You don't want a relationship with your sister, you want help with the kids you chose to have.

seven201 · 20/10/2019 07:49

Ring your sister and arrange to go out just the two of you. Your dh can look after his own children one evening while you go out for an hour.

From what I've read it sounds like you were expecting too much from your sister. Your childcare issues aren't her problem. Go see her, ask her about her, be a good sister yourself.

Heartburn888 · 20/10/2019 07:50

I think you’re expecting too much from your sister. If my sister wanted me round to help out with her kids (she does ask for one too many favours, as it goes) which meant me going out of my way to help her out then I’d be keeping distance as otherwise if I said yes to everything she asked and was there at her beck and call then the favours would never stop and it would become an expectation that just because - say for instance - I drive, im ok to pick up her children from day care because I drive past there on my way home and I can also just stop off at the shop and pick up some bread and milk for her, also because it’s on my route home and it’s not that much of a big ask and it helps her out.

I don’t do stuff like this unless absolutely necessary because my sister needs to learn she can’t rely on everyone else to get her day to day stuff done, especially after I have worked a full day and that I have my own life and have my own needs to fulfill which your sister sounds like she is doing by spending time with her boyfriend and family which she clearly enjoys doing.

Maybe you could join some mum and baby groups and make some other friends?

NoSauce · 20/10/2019 07:54

My sister and I are in our 30s and we're really close. We talk everyday etc

She hasn’t dumped you then. She makes the effort to talk to every day. That is something in itself.

Do you have any friends?

KatherineJaneway · 20/10/2019 07:58

Aren't they related? I help her out and she helps me out?

Not really. You can be together and have fun without her 'helping' you out with your children. Or you could get a babysitter and go out with her just the two of you to have quality time together.

If you've unintentionally been leaning on her too much for help with your kids as that was your expectation, she might be a bit fed up of it.

Also having children changes things, not only for you but for her. People who have children their focus is now on their child, as it should be, but being around them for a non parent can get difficult to be frank especially if they are unaware of themselves and talk baby / kids nonstop or the lack of things in common you can now talk about means you struggle to relate to each other as much.

cocomelon23 · 20/10/2019 08:06

I have sisters that live within 10 minutes of me. We very rarely help each other out with childcare. I don't see why you see it as your sisters role to help you with childcare.

Aderyn19 · 20/10/2019 08:18

I would stop at childcare and collect my sibling's kids if I was driving past it everyday on the way home. I'd also stop at the shops for them. And they would do the same for me. I do believe that family ought to help out - not be at each other's beck and call, but certainly to do the odd thing which may not be fun for us but makes life easier for a sibling or parent.
OP only you can say if you have been leaning on her more than is fair or not. Did you still see her and do fun stuff together when you were dating your dh? I agree that you should arrange to do something nice together, without the kids and also invite her to yours so that she can see and get to know the children. If they are under 2 and she hasn't seen much of them in the last year, perhaps she doesn't feel a strong bond with them yet.
I do think it's okay to ask her for help if you need it, so long as you really would help her too and it isn't all one sided. Also, dies your husband pull his weight because sometimes people do lean on sisters/friends to do the things their husbands ought to be doing.

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