Sad

[heykarumba]

My sister and I are in our 30s and we're really close. We talk everyday etc.

At the beginning of the year she met someone and I was really happy for her. At the beginning I didn't miss us not seeing each other as I knew she was starting a new relationship and things would be intense.
But it's coming up to a year and I hardly see her at all now. I feel like she's moved on and basically dumped me. I know it sounds really childish but I'm hurt. I've got young children/toddlers and I would really appreciate her being around a little more. I see other sisters together with their babies and it breaks my heart as I thought we'd be like this.

She talks about his sisters and how they hang out and I just feel left out and sad. He lives quite far from where we live (as in not down the road.)

Aibu? I am really happy for her but I just feel excluded as we were really close. And also I could really do with her help sometimes - I think that's what family is for. When she needs help in the future I'll be there for her also but I feel we're drifting apart.

I'm just keeping my distance and trying to create a support network.

@Aderyn19 of course not beck and call. I am never like that. I just feel like sometimes I could just do with an extra pair of hands as you say call to the shops
If on way over etc. I don't lean on her too much. I think it's the other way around sometimes. She lives her life then comes complaining to me about it when things go wrong when I just need a hand. You do what you can I suppose. I just feel like I've grown up and she hasn't yet. Don't know.

Why are you making these comments about her? Don’t have the patience, she thinks she has a hard life but doesn’t, you’ve grown up but she hasn’t, she’s complaining but you just want a hand...
Really, no wonder she doesn’t want to be around you. You’re not superior because you’ve used your uterus.

I had a fantastic relationship with my brother (sadly he’s dead now, died in his 20’s) but it wasn’t based on helping each other out, it was based on fun and friendship. He had his life and I had mine. We had our own support networks.
Maybe she thinks your husband should be stepping up more?

It sounds a bit similar to the dynamics of my middle DD (two DC with a close age gap) and my youngest (working/independent/has time/money).

Except i help out as well. Tbh we haven't done as much for the second as we did the first, because she was letting her DP off the hook and expecting us to co parent. We also felt that she might have another one based on our help and we wasn't planning on having babies. I know my eldest childfree DD feels somewhat the same.

My middle DD maded no effort to do fun stuff on behalf of anyone else, she was wrapped up in the life she chose. It's taken her two years to realise why she saw less of her Sisters and friends. She now makes an effort and puts her foot down with her Partner.

" I just feel like I've grown up and she hasn't yet."

That's really unfair. You've chosen responsibilities, she hasn't got any. It doesn't make you anymore grown up.

However, the early years with a close age gap are full on, so i understand why you can't see a different perspective.

Do you not think it’s taking the Micky asking her to go to the shop for you, when you don’t work!

Fair enough if it’s Baltic snow 6 inches and you don’t want to take the kids out in it but it would really annoy me if I had worked a full day and my sister said come up to help me with the kids but on your way past call to the shop and get me this short list of items I need or asked me for a lift in tea time traffic to take her to do the weekly shop or whatever when she doesn’t work and has been at home all day. It’s proper lazy and proof that she can do it but doesn’t want to because it’s more convenient for her to use up my evening running around and doing her favours. It would really tick me off and would make me want to stay away.

I’m sure you offer her favours too which I’m not disputing but she’s not there for your benefit. By all means ask her to babysit once a blue moon I don’t see that as being unreasonable but it sounds like you don’t like the fact she’s got her attention elsewhere and not on you and what she can do for you

I just feel like I've grown up and she hasn't yet.
Quite the opposite. Grown up would be accepting that your kids are you and your partner's responsibility. She has chosen not to take on the responsibility of children yet. Not her problem.

Well it’s very different meeting up for a coffee vs asking her for babysitting help, she’s child free and in a new relationship-she won’t want to babysit!

Could you ask her on a day out with you and your kids for a catch up-park/farm then lunch? Something to do to have quality time without her perhaps feeling like you’re leaning on her for support she maybe can’t give?

OP - give your head a wobble, please.

Your DH is the problem not your sister - HE is the one who should be helping you with your young children. I suspect going from 1 baby to 2 under 2 has been very hard and HE needs to step up - not your sister.

The thing is, you don’t sound like you miss her company, just her help. I imagine that’s the impression she gets from you too.

Your DH is the problem not your sister

I don't think that's fair. The OP hadn't said anything that implies her husband isn't doing his fair share. It seems she's finding it difficult to care for the two kids on her own, presumably because he's at work.

Why have two children if you can’t do it without your sisters help? I’m not surprised she’s distances herself.

Given you don’t work, how hard can it be to pop to the shops?

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss we have twins. So you can stop with your judgement. Dh run out of steam also. What if we both are putting 100% and we're both tired? Is it dh's fault?

No it’s not your DH’s fault, but it’s not your sisters either.

Twins are knackering. And no one knows the reality of life with small children until they have them. I don't think it's a terrible thing really to expect a sibling to help you out a bit. So long as it would work both ways , should the sister need help.

You and your DP chose to have kids. Deal with them. Expecting other people to prioritize helping you just because you can’t cope is really selfish. Your sister has her own life now, so if you can’t deal with your own kids get a job and pay for childcare.

I have a sister just like you. She emotionally blackmailed all of us siblings to ‘help’ with her kids (in reality we were parenting them!) but then when sil got pregnant and I got pregnant she was ‘too busy’ or ‘stressed’ with her much older kids to return the favour.

My sister has done the same .
She met him online then he moved in with her and her son and they married about 14 mo the after meeting .
They’ve now pretty much cut off all of our family and just make the effort to see his side .
I’ve gone from being upset to just “meh”
Can’t be arsed if she isn’t .

Sounds like you are blaming your sister for your exhaustion and difficulties coping with your children. I'd suggest making friends locally with other mums with young kids, get yourself a support network in place and stop expecting your sister to step in and help you out. She has her own life. Her role isn't to provide support and assistance with your twins.

I suggest that you arrange a night out with your sister. Leave the children with your husband and both of you just go out and have fun as friends and sisters.

I just feel like I've grown up and she hasn't yet

This is a pretty immature attitude though. You just have different lives.

Sounds like you’re a little jealous of her child free life. Which is fine. I’m jealous of my child free friends and siblings too. But you chose to have these children. She chose not to have any. Your children are your responsibility, not hers.

Maybe she doesn’t like toddlers? Babies are cute and fun to help out with, hell would freeze over before I offered to hang out with someone else’s toddlers though. I didn’t even like my own. They’re savage.

I feel like your comments about her needing to grow up and her life isn’t hard really mean though.

Has she ever claimed her life is hard?

Literally every reason you've given for missing your sister is related to the help you seem to expect from her.
You haven't said how much you miss her company, you miss doing things together, having a laugh together, going to the shops / cinema together.
Kids are boring. And I say that as a mother. Pre children there was nothing I'd have enjoyed less than helping out with other people's.
Your sister isn't at the children stage yet and it's very unreasonable of you to expect her to spend her free time with you just to give you a break.

You have babies, she doesn’t, she’s getting on having fun, you can’t, your knackered, she isn’t. You are both separate people. She owes nothing to you as in being there, helping you, supporting you when you are tired etc. They aren’t her children. If she wanted this, she would have her own children. The fact she doesn’t tells you she doesn’t want to be tired down and be a parent right now in her life. You and your do have your children, so you look after them. Sorry to be harsh but you come across entitled. If you are like this in real life then no wonder she doesn’t come around and help! Can’t you see that??