Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Really struggling

60 replies

Valuedeann · 19/10/2019 20:11

Name changed as don't want this thread to follow me around.

Not really an AIBU but don't know where to postthis

I'm a FTM to a 2 month old little girl. Partner has asd. During pregnancy he was great. But now he doesn't change her nappy, hardly gives her a bottle, doesn’t get up with her into the night when she cries as he doesn't sleep well. He occasionally gets up with her as he gets up early.

I'm really struggling. Help!

OP posts:
SoyDora · 19/10/2019 20:14

What does he say when you talk to him about it?

DrVonPatak · 19/10/2019 20:15

I've got ASD myself (Aspie), but I would never in a million years behave like that. Especially if he was connecting well during the pregnancy, he's just not pulling his weight around and need a stern warning to step up to his duties or else.

Original poster
Valuedeann · 19/10/2019 20:24

I've spoken to him and he says he will feed DD etc but he doesn't.

OP posts:
Jollitwiglet · 19/10/2019 20:25

Physically hand her over to him and say 'x needs doing' and walk off

Yellowcar18 · 19/10/2019 20:29

Yeah agree with handing hn the baby and telling him what yo do precisely

Original poster
Valuedeann · 19/10/2019 20:45

I do give him dd sometimes and tell him what to do but sometimes he takes a while so dd is screaming so I have to take dd off him and do what needs doing as dd gets really upset.

Other times he's just on his phone and tells me he will do x in a minute and tells me to hold her but he doesn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
Valuedeann · 19/10/2019 21:29

And in the night he won't get up with her because he says he's trying to sleep.

OP posts:
steff13 · 19/10/2019 21:33

And in the night he won't get up with her because he says he's trying to sleep.

Well, yes, most of us are. 🙄 Does he interact with her much at all?

quincejamplease · 19/10/2019 21:48

ASD - diagnosed professionally or self-diagnosed?

Asking because it makes a difference to the advice you need and because I've seen threads here before where an op was having difficulties with a partner that she was attributing to asd, but it wasn't actually diagnosed just her explanation for why he was behaving a certain way.

Original poster
Valuedeann · 19/10/2019 21:52

No he doesn't interact with her much. He occasionally holds her and occasionally gets her dressed but he takes a while. Today i asked him to get her dressed and he took about 20 minutes to put a vest and baby grow on her (luckily she was happy).

OP posts:
Original poster
Valuedeann · 19/10/2019 21:55

@quincejamplease asd diagnosed professionally

OP posts:
TheFurminator · 19/10/2019 21:59

Would he do better with a rota? Clearly demarcated areas of responsibility? So all nappies are his, all feeds are yours for example?

I think if you're waiting for him to pull his weight spontaneously you'll be waiting a long time tbh. You have to draw the line and decide how often you will let him fall short before you decide he is not good enough for you or your daughter.

An absent parent is better than a neglectful one. A partner who is no bloody help when you have s small baby is worse than useless, they're a practical and emotional liability you simply can't afford.

People who don't put the needs of the tiny helpless baby they chose to bring into the world ahead of their own I have little to no time for, ASD or no ASD. He needs to buck his ideas up.

Lemonlimesoda · 19/10/2019 22:04

Sorry if I’m being ignorant, just wondering what his ASD has to do with it, is there a lack of bond or something? Genuine question

Celebelly · 19/10/2019 22:10

Is a symptom of his ASD that he lacks initiative or needs clearly defined structures or routines? As PP said, perhaps making a sort of rota and setting our expectations would help. But he could also just be a useless ticket Sad

TheFurminator · 19/10/2019 22:15

However, you are also far from the first first time mother to be horrified to discover how out of tune the male supposedly equal parent is with their young baby. He won't be as quick to pick up on her cues as you, he won't feel the same overwhelming NEED to solve her problem for her when she cries that you do, he won't be as practised as you changing clothes, nappies etc - you've been doing it several times a day . It will be frustrating for all three of you while he gets up to speed. Nevertheless, stand back and let him. Either he will feel undermined by you sweeping in every time he tries to do things and ballses it up a little, and will never learn, or he's being deliberately rubbish knowing you'll sweep in and save him the effort - either way the upshot is you end up doing everything. Make him do something. Even if he does it badly. Make him do it over and over again, and deal with the consequences of doing it badly, until he does it better. This will be agony for you, because God knows we NEED our babies to be content, but if you really want to make this man the parent you want him to be you have to let it happen.

Original poster
Valuedeann · 19/10/2019 22:24

A rota might work but not sure. His asd means he has to have a routine and doesn't like being touched (he seems OK with dd though so hopefully it stays that way when she's older). I don't step in to help him unless dd gets really upset that she is nearly sick or if partner asks for help.

OP posts:
TheFurminator · 19/10/2019 22:41

I appreciate this may sound goady but can I ask what about him made you think he would be a good father? Not in the run-up to the birth but when you decided to get pregnant? Are those qualities still there, can they be tapped into?

It may be that he is just not a great parent or a great partner. That's what it sounds like from what you're describing. Or it may be he sucks bad at the baby part and had qualities that you sense will make him a fantastic father to a toddler, a teenager, and you just need to pull more than your fair weight for this period. You know him,and you know why you chose him, and you know if those reasons are still valid.

But no, it is not reasonable for him to do bugger all and you to do everything for the foreseeable future.

Original poster
Valuedeann · 19/10/2019 22:56

It was an unplanned pregnancy. But we were going to ttc. I thought he would be a great dad because he is good with BILs DC (now 3) and was good when he was a baby.

OP posts:
Original poster
Valuedeann · 20/10/2019 08:24

I had to give her a bottle in the night again as he said no.

OP posts:
Lemonlimesoda · 20/10/2019 08:59

Can his ASD really be blamed for his behaviour though? Just sounds like he is choosing when to pull his weight. I’ve seen it said on here before ASD doesn’t excuse someone from behaving like an arsehole

RoLaren · 20/10/2019 09:03

I presume he's capable of ensuring his own hygiene, feeding and comfort?

Original poster
Valuedeann · 20/10/2019 09:03

I think it partly can be blamed as he has to have routine but not for him not getting up in the night with her. He got up with her this morning but asked me to make her a bottle so I couldn't go back to sleep.

OP posts:
SoyDora · 20/10/2019 09:05

Have you had a discussion with him where you e said ‘look, I’m really struggling. It’s hard work on my own and I’m exhausted. You really need to step up as I can’t do it all on my own’?

OwlinaTree · 20/10/2019 09:11

Are you on mat leave and him working? I didn't expect my DH to get up in the night to do feeds while I was on leave to look after the baby. He used to get up with the baby after the morning feed one weekend day though so I could get a bit more sleep.

He might be lacking in confidence around the baby, worried about getting it wrong or hurting her - 20 mins getting her dressed indicated that to me.

It's a massive adjustment having a baby for anyone, I would imagine for someone with ASC it is difficult in additional ways. You need to talk to him in a non confrontational way about what he is worried about. Good luck!

SoyDora · 20/10/2019 09:14

Well no, I didn’t expect my DH to get up with ours either. However he could see that I was exhausted and struggling, and he wanted to help me out. Because it’s nice to help people you love who are struggling.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.