Really struggling

[Valuedeann]

Name changed as don't want this thread to follow me around.

Not really an AIBU but don't know where to postthis

I'm a FTM to a 2 month old little girl. Partner has asd. During pregnancy he was great. But now he doesn't change her nappy, hardly gives her a bottle, doesn’t get up with her into the night when she cries as he doesn't sleep well. He occasionally gets up with her as he gets up early.

I'm really struggling. Help!

I think one issue may be if the OP is phrasing it as a question then it suggests he has a choice, so No is a valid He may be being very literal if he has ASD.

It might be that the OP has to be very direct and state - You will give DD a bottle at 11pm as I will be asleep.

valid option

I wouldn’t and couldn’t put with this. If it’s a confidence thing, he needs to actually say that if he’s unsure. But ultimately he can’t opt in and out of parenting whenever he feels like he can’t be arsed. How is that fair on you or your daughter? Does he support you in other ways, cleaning, putting washing on, cooking? If not, why on earth stay with someone so selfish and self absorbed? Genuinely.

If he says no to making her bottle I do it because she is crying but when he doesn't say no and asked me to make her bottle I make it and give it to him. And if he says no to changing her nappy I do it as she would probably get a nappy rash if i kept talking to him/trying to get him to do it.

Then once the nappy is changed, do you say ‘why couldn’t you help me out then why I asked you to? We’ve discussed this and I told you I’m struggling and need some support’, or do you just let it go?

I agree with the posters who are saying you are phrasing your requests so he thinks he has a choice.

You both need to stop thinking that he needs to help you.

He doesn't need to help you with your job as a mother, he needs to step up and do his share of the tasks because he's a father.

Read the Mental load together and see if he can realise he's seeing both of your roles in the wrong way.

Be a lot more forthright, don't ask for help, sort out who does what at what time of day and night and what happens at weekends, so you both are responsible caring parents. Remember he has no intuitive way of knowing your baby's needs, he needs to be taught.

Also, less talk about "helping you out" and more about just being a parent. It's not just your job.

I just let it go.

I'll start telling him to do x rather than asking him.

You’re not his mum trying to get him to do chores around the house. It needs a bigger conversation of ‘WE are parents yet you pick and choose when you do it and most of the time you don’t and just expect me to do it. It’s not fair and it’s not happening anymore.’ You're letting him walk all over you.

Friend of mines husband had depression after his son was born. It took him a year and he got diagnosed with a type of post natal depression that fathers get apparently it can happen