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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Really struggling

60 replies

Valuedeann · 19/10/2019 20:11

Name changed as don't want this thread to follow me around.

Not really an AIBU but don't know where to postthis

I'm a FTM to a 2 month old little girl. Partner has asd. During pregnancy he was great. But now he doesn't change her nappy, hardly gives her a bottle, doesn’t get up with her into the night when she cries as he doesn't sleep well. He occasionally gets up with her as he gets up early.

I'm really struggling. Help!

OP posts:
SoyDora · 20/10/2019 09:17

That also doesn’t excuse him never changing a nappy or interacting with the baby.
I think I had a rare breed of DH who actually wanted to help care for the baby he half created.

Sparrowlegs248 · 20/10/2019 09:21

You need to have a serious discussion with him, and not expect that at some point he will just start to step up.

I'm not sure if this is the right approach but also try and ease him in a bit. So agree that he does a specific bottle, if she had one at around 10am for example. Either you make it and hand him bottle and baby for a few days, then prompt him to go and make it while you hold baby, work up to it.

It bloody angers me to suggest that, and I didn't do it with my own husband (we're now seperated). But it might help.

're night times, see if you can leave the baby with him and get an early night?

Original poster
Valuedeann · 20/10/2019 09:58

Yes I've spoken to him and he said he will help but he doesn't.

Yes I'm on mat leave and he works from home.

I'll try that as he will give her a bottle occasionally but only if I make it.

OP posts:
Lemonlimesoda · 20/10/2019 10:04

It does sound like he is picking and choosing when he wants to help and which bits to help with. So maybe a rota as suggested could at least show whether he is willing to adapt and help or whether ASD is the scapegoat for being unhelpful

Pinkypurple35 · 20/10/2019 10:08

The reason he can’t get up in the night because he’s trying to sleep is just about the most unhelpful thing I’ve ever heard. Ask him what would happen if you said the same, and what would the consequence of that be, then what would happen after that - keep going with the scenario. Ask him why he is not helping, why is he not caring for his child?
I think you’re really going to have to push him to an uncomfortable limit to get him to take some responsibility for his child from what you’ve said.

ssd · 20/10/2019 10:08

He sounds hard work.

Original poster
Valuedeann · 20/10/2019 10:18

He said he was trying to sleep as he doesn't sleep well anyway.

I've asked him why he won't help and he said he does.

OP posts:
Pinkypurple35 · 20/10/2019 10:24

Those aren’t adequate reasons Valuedeann and this is why you’re struggling. I think you need to be more blunt and really outline all the ways he isn’t helping - all the times he says he’ll do something then doesn’t. He’s dodging his responsibilities.
I agree a Rota might help, but if his excuse is ‘I’m trying to sleep’ would a rota makes any difference? I think you need to have a big discussion about the above first to really hammer it home.

Sparrowlegs248 · 20/10/2019 10:33

Make it regular OP, not just when you need the help. Make sure he takes the baby while you have a bath or shower, takes her for a walk in the pram etc.

SoyDora · 20/10/2019 10:43

If he likes routine then even better. He does the last bottle of the evening every single night while you get an early night. He does the first morning bottle and nappy change every single day. He does breakfast every Saturday morning while you have a lie in (and vice versa on Sunday). There is absolutely no reason why baby care can’t become part of his routine, except that he doesn’t want it to.

Original poster
Valuedeann · 20/10/2019 10:51

I'm not sure if a rota would make a difference but it's worth a try

He sometimes pushes her in her pram.

I'll try and get him to do the last feed and the first nappy changed and bottle of the day.b

OP posts:
Russell19 · 20/10/2019 11:17

You are going round in circles here. If he tells you to make the bottle say that it's his turn. If you keep doing it for him, he will keep letting you.

Original poster
Valuedeann · 20/10/2019 11:28

When he asks I make the bottle and give it to him as if I didn't make it, it would probably be me having to feed her all the time.

OP posts:
Pinkypurple35 · 20/10/2019 11:42

Pushing her in a pram sometimes, and trying to get him to do 1 bottle and 1 nappy a day is such a painfully low amount of the work involved. Maybe if you wrote down all of the tasks involved on an hour by hour basis and said which ones are you going to do - it would show him how little he is actually doing?

W0rriedMum · 20/10/2019 11:49

He needs to know what is his role.. For instance , can you go to bed at 9.30pm and he does the last feed at 11pm? That would give you possibly 5-6 hours to sleep before a 3.30 feed.
But he needs to know it's all his to do - making the bottle, changing nappy if needed, etc. You're asleep or resting so can't help.
Maybe for you guys, it's the morning routine and not the last feed, but whatever it is, he needs to do it!

Ponoka7 · 20/10/2019 11:57

In what way was he goid with his DN?

I'm getting the feeling that this has nothing to do with his ASD and liking routine.

I've known parents with ASD who've needed SS intervention because the need for routine was damaging to their child.

Are you and him saying that he's at that level?

CuckooSings · 20/10/2019 12:01

I have ASD and have three children- all of whom I am the primary carer for. The eldest two I was a single parent for 2 years. So his ASD does not prevent him being a parent.
I needed:
Clear instructions: e.g. how to bath them - I had written lists with steps for ages until i learnt the new tasks. Stuff took longer till i got up to speed but practise helped!
Finding ways not to be overwhelmed: Baby cries, baby needs fed. Whilst making a bottle baby cries more to the point I cannot cope with making the bottle as I am utterly overwhelmed by the noise. I solved this by breastfeeding! An ASD friend used a perfect prep machine so they could feed babs quickly.
Sleep: typically ASD people do need more down time and sleep. But with a young baby this is neither possible nor fair. Find ways e.g. half a Saturday each as downtime. Nightime schedule - you sleep 9 p.m. till 2 a.m. he sleeps 2 a.m. till 7 a.m. Both of you get a block of 5 hrs undisturbed. I couldn't sleep if I was "on duty" as I was waiting for babs to cry. As a single parent the kids went to a childminders two mornings a week so I could have downtime and sleep
Lastly I cannot read non verbal cues. So really struggled to know what baby wanted. I did baby signing with mine and by six months all three could tell me what they wanted some of the baby which helped a lot. I had to rely on checking nappy, checking for comfort and then feeding. I did also go on a parenting course which really helped. I'm a good mum - my children were all well cared for and I was blessed with an amazing HV and then DP. 2 out of the 3 are autistic themselves and I would be furious if they blamed their ASD for poor parenting.

Obviously everyone with ASD has different traits but a bit of problem solving can find ways. Don't let yourself suffer

Original poster
Valuedeann · 20/10/2019 12:05

He probably would do the last bottle but he'd probably ask me to make it like today so I didn't get a lie in.

He was good with Dn as we had him overnight sometimes and he would get up with him and make a bottle (he was 1 so he only had to put normal milk in it) and change his nappies etc. I don't think SS need to get involved.

OP posts:
june2007 · 20/10/2019 12:09

If he asks you to make the bottle say no. If you BF I understand why not getting up in night but bottle feeding he has no excuse. Ask hiim if he needs to be shown how to make a bottle then he really has no excuse. Also resist the temtation to step in, if he is slow to get baby changed just let him be slow.

SoyDora · 20/10/2019 12:09

He probably would do the last bottle but he'd probably ask me to make it like today so I didn't get a lie in

Then say ‘no, if I make the bottle it defeats the object as I still don’t get my lie in. Is there any reason you can’t make the bottle?’.
There seems to be a lack of communication going on. And I agree, this is very little to do with the ASD and more about him being lazy and expecting you to do all the donkey work.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 20/10/2019 12:16

Does he know how to make a bottle?

I would write clear instructions on a piece of paper and tape it on a kitchen cabinet. That way he can learn to make it Or you could buy ready made cartons for him to use.

If he can change a nappy and make a bottle then it is much easier for you to say - on Saturday mornings you will get up with the baby, changed her nappy, give her a bottle. She can then sit in her chair whilst you have your breakfast.

Sparrowlegs248 · 20/10/2019 12:22

It's really unfortunate OP but you are going to have to be VERY clear with him about what he has to do and when.

Original poster
Valuedeann · 20/10/2019 12:23

He's seen me make her a bottle before but he hasn't said he doesn't know how to. I might ask him if he needs to me show him again though.

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 20/10/2019 12:24

OP
I would buy some ready made cartons for now. That takes away the can’t make a bottle problem.

SoyDora · 20/10/2019 12:25

I’m struggling to see how these interactions go to be honest.
You say ‘could you give x her bottle?’. He says ‘no’, and you say...?
You say ‘could you change x’s nappy?’, he says ‘no’ and you say...?
You say ‘please can you help more, I’m really really struggling’, he says ‘I already do help’ and you say...?

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