AIBU as an adult child living at home?

[bunnybird]

I recently started a very demanding grad job. It just so happens my first placement is in London and not too far from my family home. It made sense that I would move back home for the next 6 months at least. I contribute by paying a couple of bills (I insisted) and I also do my bit around the house re cooking, cleaning.

I'm not very happy right now - I've very recently been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. My parents aren't aware of the full extent of my problems (ie that I've just started taking sertraline). I'm very good at putting a brave face on. Anyway, for the most part, the living arrangement works well but our family dynamic has fallen right back to my pre-uni days.

Last weekend I had the most intense anxiety (I contemplated ringing 101 as it was so intolerable) but at the same time I had to scrub the house clean and play hostess for a distant family member. It really knocked me out physically and mentally. The same thing is happening again this weekend. I honestly just want to be in bed today and rest/stop thinking about the job I hate.

I know it's weird navigating family dynamics when adult kids move back in but I'm curious how a similar situation would be handled in other households. In my family, it wouldn't really be accepted for me not to help out with the cleaning/spend time with the random family member.

During the week I'm expected to cook 1/2, quickly hoover downstairs every other day (maybe daily depending on dog hair), put a few loads on and keep the kitchen tidy as I go along.
That's a lot of chores IMO. Hoover every other day? . My house is lucky to be hoovered weekly, and I certainly don't expect anyone to start doing housework if they get home at 7pm. Are you all a bit housework obsessed? You are well off, perhaps a cleaner would help lighten the load?

I do think a lot of people underestimate how difficult that period is after graduation. You have known who you are for 3 years and then you are in the real world with everyone telling you to grow up/forget college/student days are over, etc.

Most grads want to get started on their life but it is very difficult to get everything right straight off (particularly when it seems as though you are competing against others who have it all).

You are doing well, OP. Graduate, starting job. You may feel muggy and incoherent but your post is very clear . You need rest from worry and being 'graduate' you. Take it easy xx

@bunnybird You need to have a chat about your MH to your parents.
They cant just guess that you need that rest and that the small talk with relatives is just too much for you just now.

Depending on how supportive they are with your anxiety, then you will need to decide what is best for you re where to live.
You cant make plans just now on what is best if you dint know how supportive they can be.

Sorry to repeat what you've been told bunnybird but talk to your parents. From what you've posted I'm sure they will understand and want to support you esp as antidepressants can take a while to kick in.

Meanwhile on £30K and living at home (are you paying any rent at all? My DD does on a similar wage, pays for her own food, some bills and saves) On that salary you should be able to save to move out sooner rather than later.

30K). I think I've i moved out a paid central London rent I would just be exchanging occasional family issues for everyday money worries.

On that amount you could live ok in many areas within commuting distance of London. You sound as though you wouldn't want to spend tons of money going out etc. so 30k should manage to rent a 1 bed flat somewhere outside the M25 and cover your season ticket.

Commuting is a pain but moving out of London is the single best thing I've ever done for both my physical and mental health. I managed it on pretty much the same salary.

If you feel unable to support yourself on £30k today you are unlikely to feel able to support yourself on £40k in five years time.

I really do believe adults are better off fending for themselves (and having your independence so you are subject to your parents' social engagements!)

Not all parents are understanding of MH. I suspect the reason the OP hasn't responded to those suggesting they discuss it is because they know this.

Some comments from my family about my sisters mental health diagnosis (they know very little of my own).

"get over yourself"
"I will NOT allow this. Stop it. Now."
"You can't have therapy, think of the humiliation for The Family"
"This is your own fault. Get a job/hobby/husband/have a baby"

Etc.

With regard to meds she was given they were thrown in the bin.

When she tried to move out they wouldn't let her as she clearly couldn't cope and was "too weak" to live alone.

Sometimes it's better not to even begin a discussion around mental health.

When I lived with a family member, half my salary went on rent (which was rent, some food and bills) it was really hard to get them to understand I was simply too exhausted after working (8am-5pm , plus an hour commute each way, plus my physical and mental health issues) to be entertaining family on weekends or evenings if they turned up which would involve going out until 10/11pm for expensive meals (I couldn't really afford). I didn't have the option of living anywhere else and it almost destroyed our relationship as they didn't realise I wasn't the person they had staying a few weeks a year 100% of the time (so things like the evenings out all the time I couldn't do as too exhausted or staying up late watching films until late I couldn't do either). It wasn't all bad, far from it, but it was a hard transition, harder than we expected. I was 22 when I lived with them. No housework but I wasn't allowed belongings outside of essentials (so work clothes and some books was it).

The way I saw it was, I was saving a whole bunch of money living there and not in my own place so it was only fair I contributed to the running of the house.

You need to be honest with your parents about the extent of your MH problems though. Unless they are really self involved, they will know there is a problem.

I would say you have a stomach bug and don't want to get too close to the guest. I'm sure they would agree too.

I think part of growing up is negotiating and coming to compromises. Even with your parents.

They don’t have to house you.

You don’t have to play host or scrub the house.

You do need to do your fair share of house work, and be polite to guests but not host them. Anxiety isn’t a reason to stay in bed all day and as parents they would be worried about that becoming a habit. If you do really really feel you need to spend all day in bed then you probably need to come clean and say, I’m actually under the weather, I’m on x for anxiety, as long as I do the housework share, and am reasonable then I do need to rest.

You haven't answered the question as to whether or not your parents know and/or would understand about your ongoing MH issue. This is a HUGE issue in posters trying help you.

My DS2 had a breakdown and was subsequently diagnosed with PTSD, depression, and anxiety. He moved home. If we had not known about his struggles, TBH we probably would have kicked him out after a month because of his behaviour and general 'unhelpfulness' around the house. But because we did know, we could make some adjustments to our 'expectations' and the three of us could work together to help him heal and to make living together 'work' for all of us.

So, can you speak to your parents about your struggles? MH issues are very real and deserve understanding and compassion. Unfortunately, our society isn't really geared to offering either!

In your place I would just hire a cleaner to cover your ‘share’ of domestic work. It makes sense and I’m sure that your family would be pleased if that meant they did less as well. Re visitors, it’s polite to come out and say hi and maybe have a cup of tea or something but if you are so loathe to see them they clearly aren’t your visitor and you are under no obligation to entertain them. Would you expect your parents to spend hours of their time on a friend of yours from uni?

I think you should let your parents know that you're under the weather - maybe say flu or cold, or just how tired your are from work. Ask to greet then briefly and then go to bed.

I didn't live with my parents, but I found that in general, if I mentioned sometimes how hard and tiring my job was then they were more likely to see that I was tired from work and realise I needed a rest if I was visiting or whatever. There's a tendency to put a brave face on it, but it's decades since either of my parents have worked full time in an office, and they're not naturally empathetic, and they definitely needed reminding how much it takes out of you!

Meh, I’m probably going to sound a bit mean but it’s good practice for being a grown up. I’m actually not being mean though, just practical.

Working full time, having anxiety and depression, annoying visitors and a house to keep on top of are going to be your life going forward. Most of the time, life is a slog, although it will improve once you get your meds balanced. I wouldn’t suggest faking physical illness though. Having a psyche ache is no more shameful than having a stomach ache.

A lot of people move back in with their parents for a while after university. I did, but I spent every weekend away, and the job involved a commute from hell, so I wasn't home all that much.

Is it normal to expect your adult children to host visiting family?

When I had my adult kids living here, if family visited, I expected my kids to pop down and say hello/have a quick catch up, maybe make a cuppa for the visitors, but I didn't expect them to do the hosting. As DH and I were the heads of the household, that was our job.

I completely feel your pain.. but just speak with your parents about your mental health. It's one less thing to worry about.. I'm really good at putting on a brave face and hiding it too.. but it's not good for you to keep everything bottled up.. eventually it has to come out.

Good luck x

If you don’t feel able to tell your parents about your MH now are you able to tell them you have a terrible headache and you think you are coming down with something just so that you can lie down and rest?

I agree it would be best to tell my parents but I'm afraid it would distress my dad who has a heart condition and could worry for England. Every day when he sees me in my work clothes he tells me how proud he is of me.

This family member (mum's cousin's daughter) is here until her flight on Wednesday - great.

I understand your worries about your dad. But sometimes it's worse to worry about the unknown than it is to worry about the answers. I'm also a HUGE worry-wart, if I can't find something to worry about then I worry that I'm missing something I should be worrying about! When DS2 began to 'spin' (as we phrase it) I was just sick with worry because I didn't know what was going on. He thought he was hiding it, but he wasn't. Once I knew the situation, it was much easier for me to deal with because I could understand and could see that he was working through things. And I could offer real help, not just flounder around annoying him with unhelpful offers.

If you can approach your parents with "this is what's going on, this is what I'm doing about it, this is what would be helpful to me" and then explain what you are doing to help yourself (meds, counseling, etc) you might find that they are actually a bit relieved. Your parents know you. They probably suspect something isn't 'right' in your life but they, like me, are floundering around. And sometimes that floundering can lead to misunderstandings and misplaced anger, on both of your parts.

AcrossthePond55 speaks wisdom.

I think that, as you’ve chosen to live with your parents it is completely reasonable for them to assume that you’ll socialise with extended family when they visit, as you would if you were still a child and live there.
If they don’t know the extent of your mh issues, how are they to know that you’d struggle to spend time with relatives?
I sympathise, because I also need down time and head space, but I don’t expect people to know this without telling them.

What AcrossThe Pond said. Parents can tell when our kids are hiding something, and that makes us worry even more than knowing what the problem is.

You need to tell them.

It sounds like overseas visitors are stressful for everybody in the house - is there any consensus that would allow you to set limits on visitors eg. preserving some weekends as visitor free or explaining to guests that if they come at particular times you're not really able to host them for a visit, they have to be self-sufficient.

It's maybe worth finding yourself a counsellor/therapist bod - maybe via your employer if they offer that sort of thing (and I imagine someone big enough to offer a grad scheme would) or from the voluntary sector if you can't afford a private person. That sort of space focused on just you might help with your anxiety and is unlikely to cause you harm. It's probably worth exploring with them all the advantages and disadvantages of living with your parents vs. spending more money on a room in a shared house or similar. [It might be better for your anxiety for you to live elsewhere, even if it's better financially to stay where you are]

You might also try booking a weekend away each month - maybe take a train to a different city to meet a friend? [I have to say this wouldn't work for me - I need my home to be somewhere I can come back to to have time off]

Actually, depending on your employer's leave booking arrangements - could you book a couple of days off work mid week to be at home by yourself and not do much / read a book/watch a film? It's possibly reasonable to tell your parents and siblings you're exhaused from the combination of demands from your job and the extra demands of hosting visitors and you need a bit of time off without going into the mental health stuff. Maybe you need to see your dentist/optician or something and it's as easy to book a day off than to try to fit these things in around a day of work.

Sertraline makes you worse before it makes you better, I think you need to tell your parents you've been unwell lately and are on some medication that is making you very tired. You don't need to say what it is, but I really think it would benefit you and them if you were able to open up about your mental health.

All the best xx

I think you need to develop some kind of 'bug' until she's gone OP, and tell your parents you think you are 'a bit run down' because your job is so demanding, so you need some early nights. Socialising every night would do me in even with my own friends, never mind not-especially-close relatives! Keep doing the chores then say "gosh, I can feel my throat getting sore/head throbbing a bit/whatever, I'm so sorry but I'm going to have to grab a sandwich and turn in. Have a wonderful evening." then clean your teeth loudly (ie "bedime routine") and GO TO YOUR ROOM, get into your pyjamas and laptop out for the evening.