AIBU as an adult child living at home?

[bunnybird]

I recently started a very demanding grad job. It just so happens my first placement is in London and not too far from my family home. It made sense that I would move back home for the next 6 months at least. I contribute by paying a couple of bills (I insisted) and I also do my bit around the house re cooking, cleaning.

I'm not very happy right now - I've very recently been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. My parents aren't aware of the full extent of my problems (ie that I've just started taking sertraline). I'm very good at putting a brave face on. Anyway, for the most part, the living arrangement works well but our family dynamic has fallen right back to my pre-uni days.

Last weekend I had the most intense anxiety (I contemplated ringing 101 as it was so intolerable) but at the same time I had to scrub the house clean and play hostess for a distant family member. It really knocked me out physically and mentally. The same thing is happening again this weekend. I honestly just want to be in bed today and rest/stop thinking about the job I hate.

I know it's weird navigating family dynamics when adult kids move back in but I'm curious how a similar situation would be handled in other households. In my family, it wouldn't really be accepted for me not to help out with the cleaning/spend time with the random family member.

You can't really expect your parents to make allowances for you if you don't tell them the extent of your problems.

Without them knowing that you are struggling it sounds like they just expect you to be a helpful adult household member. If you still live with your parents they will treat you as a member of the family and not just a housemate. Especially if you are not paying rent etc.

My stroppy late teens would just refuse to socialise in these circumstances. Even if I wanted to insist I couldn't. I think in these circs parents need to respect DCs' privacy. If you were a flatshare you wouldn't be expected to socialise to unilaterally suit your flatmates.

Also I think paying rent and having a defined set of chores (eg clean your room, cook and shop couple of times a week, bathroom cleaning rota, don't leave the living room in a tip, laundry rota) to pull your weight works better than adopting a couple of bills ad hoc and being ordered about as and when.

OP, I've had to move back in with my parents a few times, three times with my children.

The older I've been, the easier it has been. Home was never easy for me. One of my parents has had severe mental health issues their whole life (passed on to me too) and it's only been since I grew myself some backbone that it got easier.

I don't know if you've got anything in your family history like mine but talking to them to let them know you're not well, what you can and can't manage and what you want to work towards, would be really helpful.

I know this isn't always easy. Whatever happens I hope it goes well though and that you start feeling better soon

I’d talk to your parents

I think you sound exhausted and so I'd try to rest and not do anything more than is agreed or necessary. You may need to regroup at the weekend after a stressful new job and big life change. Staying curled up in bed at the weekend is exactly what I wanted to when I moved away from friends to a new city and new job.

If you can explain that you're finding the changes hard and really do need to have some time and space to rest at the weekend I'm sure they'll understand if you're not on "duty". Nice people sometimes end up going further than they need to because they don't want other people to be inconvenienced, but you matter too!

When you say that you "had to scrub the house clean" do you mean it literally, i.e. that your parents actually expected you to clean the house from top to bottom by yourself, or is it that your anxiety is causing you to take on too much, i.e. that all you need to do is a bit of cleaning and tidying but you can't settle for that and are pushing yourself to do more?

If it's the former then I think you ought to look at moving out, if you can possibly afford it, because the dynamic is probably contributing to your anxiety levels. If the latter then try to talk to your parents frankly about your mental health and what you can and cannot manage at present.

Sertraline is not going to kick in for several weeks so you need some strategy to get through that period.

It is very natural (although not healthy) for families to fall back into the behaviour of when the adults were kids. Even if you aren't living together!
This happens in my family all the time.
I would recommend speaking to your parents about your mental health. If you aren't ready then say you aren't feeling well with tummy ache and headache and have to spend the day in bed.
I would expect my adult child to greet the relatives because that's polite. Maybe have a cup of tea or lunch together if they had no plans and weren't feeling unwell. But I wouldn't expect them to spend the whole time with us or if they had plans already I wouldn't expect them to cancel.
Good luck op, take good care of yourself x

I've done a bit of tidying, not as much as I would ordinarily do but hopefully I've done enough not to upset my parents. Normally my mum and I very house pride but I just really don't care right now.

Luckily living with my parents means I live fairly comfortably (salary is just over 30K). I think I've i moved out a paid central London rent I would just be exchanging occasional family issues for everyday money worries.

I've had two DC come home after university and I honestly don't recognize the sort of family dynamics you describe. We are a close, loving family who try to be considerate. I have bent over backwards to try and give them space and privacy. We are lucky enough to have plenty of room and DH and I are retired. I wouldn't dream of expecting them to do chores if they were unwell. In fact DC1 had a gruelling job and I didn't expect him to do anything, did all I could to help him through that first year. He has now moved into his own place.

I would be mortified if I found a out one of my DC was very unwell and didn't feel able to tell me. I'd want to help. Is it possible you just need to talk to your parents?

I think adult (as in post uni) children living at home is, in general, not a good thing.

You obv don't live/work in London as the OP is doing. In her case it's impossible to afford to live independently in her case, besides the fact she suffers from depression and anxiety which can be exacerbated by living alone/sharing with others who do not understand what she is going though.

Bunnybird - sorry HRTFT as in a rush but wanted to respond.
DD2 was in a similar situation as you when she left uni but I knew of her mental ill health and encouraged her to stay home and if she wanted to be involved in family situations she could but most of the time she didn't. It took a long time but being on antidepressants and a year of CBT helped her enormously and I beg you to talk to your family as soon as possible.

I think if you don't tell your parents the extent of your mental illness, then it's reasonable for them to expect an adult child to socialise with family members when they are visiting and to help put cleaning.

I'd challenge if you've really got to scrub the house totally. You write like you're some form of slave, and I doubt that's true. It just feels like that's what you've got to do, but in reality you're just doing your bit.

If you hate your job and this is the root cause of your ill health then are you applying for other roles?

Also just sit your parents down tomorrow and explain you're not well to them and you're on medication for it.

I have been here. Catering my mums birthday party while trying not to cry. It was awful. I felt judged by all her friends and my sister kept snapping at me to cheer up. I hid in the back garden crying.

It does get better I promise, but you need space and time to focus on yourself.

So, talk to your parents, explain you are having a really tough time and offer to pay for a cleaner. Two hours a week. Keeps the house clean, and gives you time to take care of your self. At one point all I could do was binge watch tv. The house was a mess but I live alone, it didn’t matter.

You need to be kind to yourself - it will get better.

TragicallyUnbeyachted - it was a last-minute visit so the entire family (parents, younger siblings and myself ) ran around the house trying to tidy up after my younger brother had his friends stay over. Probably a solid 3 hours of cleaning. That on top of making teas, helping with dinner, setting the table multiple times, sorting out bedding, making small talk etc was a lot for me.

It's just unfortunate with had overseas relatives sort of invite themselves around in consecutive weeks. A problem of living close to the airports.

I mean this nicely but how on earth are your family expected to know that you are Ill if you dont tell them?
To ask an adult child to do a bit of cleaning and help with a guest isnt exactly unreasonable given that they dont know you are poorly.
Why do you hate your job?

Oh and bugger that with the visiting relatives! If we have relatives visiting they take us as they find us esp if it's short notice.

Oh no, I'm definitely not a slave, my parents are very fair re chores. I normally get home at 7 so they don't expect too much from me. During the week I'm expected to cook 1/2, quickly hoover downstairs every other day (maybe daily depending on dog hair), put a few loads on and keep the kitchen tidy as I go along. Same as when I was at school (minus the cooking). We all sort of know what our jobs are around the house. At the weekend we'll all have a room or 2 to "deep clean".

Can you not feign a "physical" illness of some kind and get yourself off to bed for the rest of the day?

I didn't have a problem with heping out last weekend but two weekends in a row of having to be on show is just a lot.

Adult children should not live with their parents. Get a flat with friends.

The first week or so of sertraline made me feel a bit strange..I felt much better once they were working though.

If you can tell your parents, if u really can't go to cinema/hotel/feign a bug.
Your period might be making you feel 20 times worse. Mine can make me feel really really bad some months.
Things will get better, hang on in there.
Btw, I think it's great that you've insisted on contributing. That's really important.

No-one in our house does chores past 7pm. Why do you think you are responsible for clearing up after younger siblings. That is your parents job.

Discuss your boundaries not just so your parents don't make unreasonable demands but so that you don't feel eaten away by guilt about doing your bit the whole time.

I have an anxiety disorder OP and in the days before I started taking Sertraline and Propranolol, I found engaging with anyone an absolute nightmare because they'd be talking and my mind was so focused on the anxiety, it was just too overwhelming listening to people talk.

You say you have a new grad job and you hate it, I'm sure you know your discontent at work will only be adding to your mental health struggles, if you aren't happy there, leave. That might sound idealistic but I have learned there is nothing as important as my mental health and I think you need to consider embracing that also, your health is worth its weight in gold, a job is meaningless in the grand scheme.

If your parents are not aware of the extent of your anxiety issues, then they won't be able to act accordingly, you need to speak to them, I am sure they will more than understand or in the least accept you can't be as hands on as you currently feel you are expected to be.

Your priority has to be your mental health and getting to the point where you can use positive coping mechanisms that allow you to live your life. Don't be afraid to speak up, speak to your parents.

My employers placed me on a different grad scheme based on my test scores/assessment centre. The area I'm now in is very maths heavy and a million miles away from what I studied at university/find interesting. I'm decent at maths but I hate my day to day work. The only thing keeping me going is the knowledge that I will be able to choose my next placement.

howabout - I definitely don't tidy up after my siblings (older teens). We do a bit of tidying up in the evening as we all leave the house early and it's the only opportunity to do so. It works for us, I normally do my chores (20 mins) whilst dinner gets sorted/cleaned up.