DB’s reaction

[Cushionsarecomfie]

So I have posted before that DB told me when I started my business it would be no more than a hobby and even 10 years and a successful business model on ‘your thing would be the first to go in a time of economic pressure’. Indeed, it’s very obvious in his mind I am inferior and just a user (which is hilarious considering his wife doesn’t work and never has). Anyway I have done something, it’s outing to say what but it’s pretty huge and one of those things people always have on their list of things to do. I have told my parents (who can be a bit narc) but who been surprisingly pleased and they could have well told him (in as much as it’s not a secret now) but I thought I better make contact and tell him myself. Three texts to say I had some big news and a couple of calls and no response over 24 hours. I then got a call from him but unfortunately was on the phone myself. Less than 5 mins later and I called back a few times but no answer from his end .... just a text 45 mins on saying ‘now tied up - will call over the weekend’. Yes, I know there was a will call but he never does (his oldest friends who I see more than him say it’s all cos we aren’t rich enough for him and his wife now) and even when I put a teaser in my response to that - nothing. I may just need a head wobble but I just don’t get why it gets me down still nor why I still seem to be on the end of his doled out shit.

Stop wasting your energy.

Be proud of whatever the thing is that you have done and don't put 'teasers' in messages. That will make him what to respond even less as he can sense your desperation.

Makes sense to send a text to say there's special news to impart over phone/meeting. It would mean I would call asap.

OP already did that and then put a teaser in response to him saying he will call over the weekend.

She doesnt get on with him. This isnt special to him. It is to OP.

I would be baffled at my dbro arranging a meeting up to announce he walked kilimanjaro or whatever.

*want

Despite what he's said about you in the past, you come across as a bit of a show off. He clearly doesn't care, so stop putting so much importance on a "congratulations!" response that you're clearly never going to get from him.

If your Parents are really Narcs then they've set the pair of you up to have this relationship.

You're as much at fault because you are continuing it.

Totally agree with Ponoka
Its a dysfunctional relationship in that you present yourself/achievements for his approval, then he gets to knock you down.
Step out of the game OP.
Detach slightly and work on your self esteem.
Ps you will get people saying "why on earth wouldnt she expect her DB to be happy for her ?"
Yep in a good relationship but this isnt a healthy dynamic.

Anyway I have done something, it’s outing to say what but it’s pretty huge and one of those things people always have on their list of things to do.

My list of things to do is like "buy groceries" and "fold laundry." What lists do other people have?

Anyway, if it's that huge and outing he can see it on the news. If he doesn't call you back, don't worry about him.

If it's one of those things people have on their list then it's not outing at all, is it?

You could be anyone, especially if everyone wants it..

Thank you all for your responses. Genuinely. The reason for the tease was just in a normal relationship it would actually inspire ‘ah ok. Cool. I should probably make an effort’.

In some ways I guess this was a final test though I didn’t know that but I do now. I now know that he truly won’t ever be anything other than a dick. And that’s good to know.

You want him to be impressed, that is never going to happen.

You sending him texts show how desperate you are for his approval.

But you can't make him give it to you.

Normal relationships don't involve tests in the first place. Most people tend to fail tests they don't know they're taking.

The test was more for me? Was I reading it right? Was he that much of a dick. The answer is yes. Exclusively so.

I completely get why you did the tease OP. And it’s hard to come to terms with the fact that someone you love and want a normal happy supportive relationship with doesn’t give a crap.

You've said this was a "final test" so I guess you've done it often in the past? Sending vague messages and getting pissed off when people don't call you back fast enough?

Your brother may well be a massive arsehole but from his pov, he receives multiple messages telling him to call you. He tries to call you, you don't pick up. He sends a message saying he'll try again in the next couple of days. I don't know if it's helpful to read more into it than is necessarily there. I can't see that he has done anything unreasonable so far.

If you don’t get on why are you so desperate to share your news? Just to run his face in it? Op well done to you but be a big gracious! You sound like you fit in well with your narc parents and brother

Rub his face*

tableclothing - you are taking what I say the wrong way. The test was not as to if he reacted to messages or whatever, it’s his way of dealing with any news - especially positive. PP’s are right that anything I have done he has knocked down. Indeed, he has said he could do my job with a click of his fingers as it’s just fluff and nonsense before going to his much more important role.

On this, he will come back - when he has worked out what his come back would be ... how will it reflect on the family is a good one I bet will be thrown in there somewhere.

The point is, in it, when you have grown up with it, it’s hard to shake the old ways. To you know it’s normal but this is the final test that shows more that he really is that arsehole rather than me that is deficient.

he will come back - when he has worked out what his come back would be ...

I'm confused. Have you told him what the thing is or not?

shows more that he really is that arsehole rather than me that is deficient.

Are those the only two options? Could there be any other ways of describing the situation?

It is something you want to share. It’s something like: a tv show being picked up by a network, a big shop putting in an order for something you made and developed, a rave review for a restaurant that’s going to get publicity, a book or screenplay being published, getting your ideal part in a show. It’s not a - I got a job that pays me a million pounds, praise me! It’s something quite special.

Someone keep texting me they have something to tell me would piss me off. Just put it in the text 🙄

While he may indeed be an arsehole, your own behaviour chasing him is bizarre.

You will be miserable if you allow your behaviour to be driven by your perceptions of other people's motivations rather than your behaviour being driven by their actions.

Even nice people do arsehole things sometimes and arseholes do nice things sometimes. React to the action.

@Cushionsarecomfie do you badger him with calls and texts to just see how he is? Or when you don’t have news about yourself?

He did ring though! You missed it because you were on the phone.

You have a bit of a weird dynamic with your brother there OP. Both extremely competitive and trying to get one over on the other and seeking approval. Agree with PP that people tend to fail tests they don't know they are taking and it's not nice to test people.