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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That my other half remains a 15 year old child

82 replies

Loopydizzylove · 19/10/2019 01:02

So I've been with dp for 10 years, 3 kids and multiple ups and downs. The one thing he hasn't stopped is fucking off secretly (as in going to the toilet Nd coming back the next morning) I thought once we had bought our house and settled he would change... Yes I know he hasn't and never planned to, the fact is that I've realised that now. So how do I.... As an unmarried mother of 3 kids, living in my Partner of 10 years bought house approach this without losing everything.

OP posts:
TottieandMarchpane · 19/10/2019 04:32

The fact that you aren’t married means very little when you’ve been together so long, have children and a home.

Is that true? I'm in the US so things are a bit different here, but the impression I've gotten from other threads is that marriage makes a pretty big difference.

No it’s not true.

Under U.K. law, being an unmarried SAHM or low earning partner, without your name on the house is a scarily vulnerable position to be in. All you can expect is child maintenance, and even that can be difficult to secure.

Unfortunately, some people have strange ideas about this and perpetuate misinformation.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/10/2019 04:41

Why did you make yourself so vulnerable? Time to put your big girl pants and demand things. You provided him with kids. He needs to provide a secure home by adding you as 50% owner of the house.

BoomBoomsCousin · 19/10/2019 05:24

"been passing with distinctions so far, whether that would make a difference In an interview I don't know"

It generally doesn't make as much difference in the first few years, but in the last year or two it will help determine the class of your degree (are you with the OU?). Getting a first will make a difference when trying to get a job.

I don't really have any idea what sort of jobs are available with forensic psychology - some form of consulting with the police? - but is there any way you can get work or volunteer experience in that area? If you would be looking at working for the police or probation service there's the special constabulary which, IIRC, likes having volunteers at night when you might not need childcare.

Also, just thought, since you seem to have had a few children with him so far despite him never really manning up, find a way to make sure you don't get pregnant by him again. Long term hormonal birth control or getting sterilised are probably good options. Another child could knock another 5+ years off any escape and other methods are easy to circumvent, either by accident or in a short term fit of optimism.

SaucyTomato · 19/10/2019 05:46

I want to know how far away this toilet is that takes him all day and night to get there and back.
I mean, I know blokes can take forever on the loo, but a whole day and night?

EileenAlanna · 19/10/2019 06:24

You say his family is supportive of you so use that to beat him over the head with & get your name included on the deeds of the house, even if it's not a 50/50 split. Then get rid of the 4 pets. You can't afford them and your 3 children so make your choice. If you're intelligent enough to be taking a degree then you're intelligent enough to know where this is all heading & to prepare for it.

adaline · 19/10/2019 06:40

The fact that you aren’t married means very little when you’ve been together so long, have children and a home.

Please don't spread false information - what you've said is totally incorrect.

As an unmarried SAHM whose name is not on the house deeds, OP is incredibly vulnerable and could be kicked out of her home tomorrow if they broke up. She has no claim on the house whatsoever and has no right to stay there in the event of a break-up.

The myth of "marriage is just a piece of paper and isn't important" is so dangerous. Of course nobody should marry if they don't want to but people need to know the reality, which is that in cases like this, it can be the difference between a secure home for you and your children and ending up homeless.

cafenoirbiscuit · 19/10/2019 07:41

Cash back at the supermarket every time you go. Tuck it away while you wait, and make your plans. You’re worth more than this.

ukgift2016 · 19/10/2019 07:51

I am shocked as an seemingly educated women you have landed yourself in such a vulnerable situation.

3 children with a man your not married too. Your home is in HIS name solely.

What have you done?

It is what it is. You will need support with housing from the local authority and you will have to rely on benefits. You will be entitled to child support from your ex though.

madcatladyforever · 19/10/2019 07:56

You will lose everything sorry.
You need to be getting your ducks in a row and ignoring what he does.
Save every penny you can. Get your own bank account. Start thinking about a job in a years time.
Whatever happens he will have to pay maintenance for the kids.
If you can't start work for another year start saving up for the deposit on a rental and see what you can afford.
Check out houses and sort out your finances.

SprinkleDash · 19/10/2019 07:57

I’m literally living in a house that isn't mine, with kids that 'I don't pay for' I am well and truly fucking stuck

Why do women put themselves in this position again and again on this site?? Well done! You’ve made yourself and your kids about as vulnerable as you can be!!

CAG12 · 19/10/2019 08:08

"but as naive as I sound, I do think he is capable of change"

This is why. Have to given him any meaningful warnings? As in kicking him out when he does it? Taking the kids and going to stay with his parents? Or have you just told him off?

Frouby · 19/10/2019 08:19

Marry him OP. Last thing you feel like doing, but do it. Get some protection. Tell him you want to get married now to 'save' your relationship. Finish your degree. Get a prt time job as well. Play the long game. You have put up with it for so long, another year or 2 doesn't make much difference.

ColaFreezePop · 19/10/2019 08:20

Also if you are unmarried whether sahm, a low earning partner or whatever even if your name is on the house, unless it was agreed 50% at the time you brought the house you will still have issues that could be expensive to resolve.

The best thing to do if you are unmarried and buying a house with someone is:

  1. Agree how much of the house each of you own at the time of purchase and record it in a document preferably one drawn up by a solicitor,
  2. Stay working in whatever capacity possible
TottieandMarchpane · 19/10/2019 08:39

@SprinkleDash @ukgift2016 How is it helpful to turn up and start a chorus of “What have you done? How could you be so stupid?”

She did it. For whatever reasons. Or from lack of thought. Now she needs advice. We all make mistakes.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 19/10/2019 08:47

Speak to can and find out what benefits you are entitled to and look at renting yourself. Also factor in child maint and of
Course you can claim back a % of your childcare fees when/if you decide to return back to work. Start to take control of what you can do, stop thinking of things (such as the house) that you can't control.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 19/10/2019 08:48

CAB not can

Greyhound22 · 19/10/2019 08:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PlasticPatty · 19/10/2019 08:53

OK, so your situation is very insecure right now.
In your favour - you have three children/you have a degree/you are under 30. This is the perfect time to start your new life.

Nanny0gg · 19/10/2019 09:03

She is studying for a degree...

OP, get a job. Doesn't matter what. Your partner can contribute to childcare fees. How old is your youngest?

TottieandMarchpane · 19/10/2019 09:04

Nice @Greyhound22 Hmm

7yo7yo · 19/10/2019 09:10

Move back to your family.
Get a job.
Finish your degree later.
The way you were talking it seemed like you had another year left but 3 years is too long, you must have only just started so don’t let the fact your doing really well so far mislead you.
Move home to your family get a social supportive network around you and then do your degree.
Do not tell him your going as he could stop you and do not rely on his family, at the end of the day they are HIS family.

CarolDanvers · 19/10/2019 09:39

Why do women put themselves in this position again and again on this site?? Well done! You’ve made yourself and your kids about as vulnerable as you can be!!

Oh be quiet or offer some actual advice why don't you?!

OP, I had one like this. It was soul destroying. Could you use the threat of ending things to force him to get the house put in your name too and then you'd at least have some kind of a safety net while you consider your next moves.

adaline · 19/10/2019 09:47

Could you use the threat of ending things to force him to get the house put in your name too and then you'd at least have some kind of a safety net while you consider your next moves.

But why would he do that?

CarolDanvers · 19/10/2019 09:50

He's coming back apparently.. Strange that after I told him it was over...

Because OP obviously holds some power if that threat has made him come home.

Original poster
Loopydizzylove · 19/10/2019 10:22

Well he's back. And promised the kids we are going away for the weekend. For a short term solution yeah great, but he's just missing the point now. Honestly right now I'm prepared to take off to a registry office and sit tight for a few months and then take everything.
Yes I got myself into, a shit situation, I was and still am young and naive, however have done everything I can to keep my family together. Its his time to make an effort now.

OP posts:
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