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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That my other half remains a 15 year old child

82 replies

Loopydizzylove · 19/10/2019 01:02

So I've been with dp for 10 years, 3 kids and multiple ups and downs. The one thing he hasn't stopped is fucking off secretly (as in going to the toilet Nd coming back the next morning) I thought once we had bought our house and settled he would change... Yes I know he hasn't and never planned to, the fact is that I've realised that now. So how do I.... As an unmarried mother of 3 kids, living in my Partner of 10 years bought house approach this without losing everything.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loopydizzylove · 19/10/2019 01:18

I'd kill for work, but lack of childcare and lack of experience in all but fast food leaves me hanging a bit.
Hence why I'm doing a degree and doing bloody well at it xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Loopydizzylove · 19/10/2019 01:19

Honestly I'd tell her to do the same as my dm told me. Ltb.... Easier said than done though

OP posts:
Pandaintheporridge · 19/10/2019 01:19

Where does he go? Do you know?

Original poster
Loopydizzylove · 19/10/2019 01:20

And no, he is using the toilet excuse to sneak out when it's quiet.

OP posts:
TottieandMarchpane · 19/10/2019 01:20

You can rent another house. You need to work out a plan.

If at all possible, you need to spin this out and keep things sweet with him for a while to give you a chance to make plans.

Will there be an argument when he comes back? How do these things end?

What does he do when he’s MIA? Drink? Drugs? Women? Gambling?

Is he okay to you when he is at home? Or is he argumentative and abusive?

How long is left to go to get your degree? What are your chances of getting a job? Could you relocate back to where your family are then?

steff13 · 19/10/2019 01:21

Ok, that's super weird.

Could you move in with your mom?

user1471549213 · 19/10/2019 01:21

Where does he go til 10am? Bed? Out of the house?

TottieandMarchpane · 19/10/2019 01:21

Hence why I'm doing a degree and doing bloody well at it xx

Good. That’s probably your way out of this.

Original poster
Loopydizzylove · 19/10/2019 01:22

He used to go to the local 'party birds' house and I played hell, now, to be honest it's came out of nowhere, phone call guessing it's something to do with work.... But why lie and sneak off

OP posts:
Original poster
Loopydizzylove · 19/10/2019 01:24

No room at mom's, I'm on my own. No friends either. Private renting not an option at the moment, no references and not working, 3 kids and 4 pets. Feel like I am really stuck. God I hope that my degree will push me one day to say fuck you I'm on top

OP posts:
Anightofit · 19/10/2019 01:30

phone call guessing it's something to do with work.... But why lie and sneak off

He's having an affair.

Anightofit · 19/10/2019 01:31

Go to the Council, OP. You should be relatively high priority for housing.

ViciousJackdaw · 19/10/2019 01:31

You are obviously capable and intelligent if you got onto such a competitive course and are smashing it. So why on earth are you swallowing the 'something to do with work' line?

Forgive me if I seem blunt but honestly, is remaining in the house the only thing keeping you in the relationship? Because you must know by now that he'll probably never change - you'll already know about personality types and traits from your degree, I expect and I bet you've read about a 'type' that would describe him to a T.

Do you know what his salary is? If so, find the CMS calculator and work out how much CM you can expect should you LTB.

Original poster
Loopydizzylove · 19/10/2019 01:38

Child support would give me £128 per week, but he's been on the phone... He's coming back apparently.. Strange that after I told him it was over... I just don't know what to do... I know the right thing to do but that would leave us homeless

OP posts:
Original poster
Loopydizzylove · 19/10/2019 01:40

I'm literally living in a house that isn't mine, with kids that 'I don't pay for' I am well and truly fucking stuck

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 19/10/2019 01:47

You can at least make plans, OP. How much longer will your course take to finish?

BoomBoomsCousin · 19/10/2019 01:54

It sounds very difficult and it's easy for posters to sit here and ask why you let yourself be put in this situation but plenty of women do it because they don't have the power to insist on the things that would protect them and they hope it will turn out well. But many of those women get themselves out of that situation too.

If this has been going on for 10 years I would probably, If I felt I could manage it, suck it up for a few more. Finish the degree, get the kids in childcare and find a job. Secure your capacity to financially provide for yourself and your kids. Also, squirrel some money away in whatever way you can. Get to the doctors and find out what the best thing you can do is to tackle your anxiety. Get out there as much as possible and develop a support network. Build up the "life" you will need to live well without him.

Original poster
Loopydizzylove · 19/10/2019 01:59

BoomBoomsCousin. You've said it down to a T. I hope I can get a job from this while I'm in this situation. I'm sick of weekly tears and bull. I'm trying my hardest to set myself up to get out x

OP posts:
Original poster
Loopydizzylove · 19/10/2019 02:00

I have another 3 years left, but been passing with distinctions so far, whether that would make a difference In an interview I don't know

OP posts:
Notfarfromcrazy · 19/10/2019 02:48

I think what this Mum means by her post is that her partner says he needs to go to the toilet and takes off to do as he pleases and come home when he feels like it.
The fact that you aren’t married means very little when you’ve been together so long, have children and a home.
You have to get your fair share.

littleorangecat22 · 19/10/2019 03:35

???? where is he going? Very suspicous behaviour if he stays outside of the home frequently. Sounds like one of those double-life scenarious. What does he say when you ask him where he's been?

outherealone · 19/10/2019 03:37

Sex or drugs?

outherealone · 19/10/2019 03:39

You can’t live like this. I have a crazy imagination and that would drive me insane and I’d be thinking the worst scenerios, especially around serious crime Sad

steff13 · 19/10/2019 04:13

The fact that you aren’t married means very little when you’ve been together so long, have children and a home.

Is that true? I'm in the US so things are a bit different here, but the impression I've gotten from other threads is that marriage makes a pretty big difference.

redbirdblackbird · 19/10/2019 04:23

The fact you’re not married makes a huge difference. You have no claim on anything of his- savings etc.
Good luck op

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