To think my neighbour is too full on with my child

[mamamilkmachine]

Okay so....recently moved into a new house. The neighbours are a young couple. The back garden fence is only waist height. We've spoken briefly just passing hellos and the usual, but now the girl who is 20 has befriended my 2 year old daughter. Whenever my girl is in the garden she comes out and talks over the fence to my girl, my daughter really likes her and now my looks for her when she goes out in the garden. The girls boyfriend has a son who comes once a fortnight, when he was here last week they was asking if they could come into our garden to play with my girls toys and to play football, i begrudgingly agreed and now she keeps trying to come into our garden by making comments to my child about coming in to play. She even posted a handwritten letter to us both apologising for not having come out when she said she would and saying that she will be there as a friend for my daughter. What the fuck do I do?

I’m not sure I see the issue as your daughter likes the woman.

She does yes...but would you be saying the same if it was a male who befriended my daughter?? I just think she's a bit full on, hopefully harmless but way to full on

What is bothering you about this? Wouldn’t you neighbours be the perfect babysitter? How old is her step son? Did he play nicely with your DD?

That is weird. She sounds quite immature. She could really like kids but she needs to tone it down a bit as you have only just met her.

So you think she is a paedophile or would be a paedophile if only she were male?!!!

The odd thing is the note.

She’s very young, probably just immature.

I would just be polite but a bit distant.

Could you out your a bigger fence if you want a bit of privacy. I have six foot fences round the back garden and it is bliss

As long as your daughter wants to be around them I would, as much as is convenient!

The small child could turn out to be a lovely playmate !
But I'd supervise, constantly!!
You can't be to careful with your children!

I kind of know what you mean. If it’s your house, then stick up a decent fence, it was my first move when I bought this house, mostly due to the dogs. The neighbour loves our dogs, but I want them in my secure garden, not next door and I didn’t want to have to talk every time I was pegging out washing etc.

No need to do anything really, if you don't want the contact just gently withdraw with no fuss. If you're in the UK you're going to be in the garden less anyway so won't be seeing each other as much naturally. Decline invites politely and over time let contact reduce. If you are happy to mix occasionally do that. Sounds like she's young and friendly but you're not wanting a friendship, not a biggie.

I'd probably try and make a bit of effort with her, particularly as you're a little concerned. Find out a bit about her etc.
This could be just lovely neighbour.
Or she could be a pest, but I would say it's upto you to find out 🙂

Maybe she really misses Dss when he isn't at theirs and is over compensating.

What’s her job OP? Is she training to be a primary school teaching or nursery assistant?
Perhaps trying to fill her CV up with “experience of caring for young children”

YANBU. You've only just met and it could well be she loves kids and has taken to yours while trying to be a good neighbour but you're well within your right to be cautious and want things to progress a bit slower.
You're also right in saying if it was male, would PPs have this "it's okay" attitude. Pretty sure they won't. Girls can also abuse others but this is easily glossed over until it happens - not saying that's her intention but you're right to want to be cautious.

You can try to tell her you're busy indoors (nicely, of course) a few times and hopefully she will get the message to slow down and not come round much.

She sounds very immature but not bad hearted. As pp said now winter is here I would just leave it to fizzle. Children are exciting, especially to possibley broody young women, you forget when you have them all the time!

Just keep on supervising if you're concerned.

Perhaps she just likes children or is wanting to work with children. When I was 17 I used to love looking after the neighbour's kids. They were good fun and it was sort of like playing at having kids without the shit bits. I used to take them out places with me and the youngest little girl even stayed over one night and I painted her nails and dip dyed her hair pink. WITH HER MOTHERS PERMISSION I hasten to add. I wanted to be a childminder or a social worker.

I had similar with a neighbour when we moved except she was in her forties. She was nice and after a few years I would have been happy for her to have spent time with my children but not when I’d first met her and knew nothing about her.

Can you put in a higher fence? You can still be friendly and polite but it will be easier to have contact on your own terms that way and see if a friendship grows.

begrudgingly agreed and now she keeps trying to come into our garden by making comments to my child about coming in to play.

I’m confused, so she’s asking to come in to the garden to play when her boyfriends son isn’t even there?

I'm just not sure what to make of it... wether it's fair or not I know I would feel differently about the situation if this was a man. And yes she is asking to come in the garden and play when her step son is not there. Earlier today she was saying shall I come in your garden today and make a tent...we can sit in it and sing nursery rhymes. I said no to my daughter when she asked if the neighbour could come in the garden as her tea was nearly ready so the girl said oh okay I will come in after you have had your tea......:The hand written letter is when I first stated feeling uncomfortable about it. She doesn't work but has recently started working in a children's soft play area, she has mentioned taking my daughter and spoke as though this would be alone, I stepped in and said she could maybe go but I would be there. I think it harmless, I hope it is. I am wondering if she maybe has some special needs???

I’m going to go against the grain and say I’d feel really uncomfortable with this, I’m sorry.

Playing with a 2 year old? At 20?

I’d stay polite but distance myself, and watch....maybe her dss will be a good friend? Maybe not.

No need to be unkind, but I would distance myself.

but has recently started working in a children's soft play area,

This adds a bit more to it then.

It's one of those situations isn't it? It's never unreasonable to be cautious still but give her a supervised chance. If she tunes out to just be someone who loves children (hopefully), you have a great and willing babysitter next door. Lucky you!

Sounds completely over the top. Most people would be aware this is overstepping boundaries. I would hate to have a neighbour that was so overbearing. Hopefully it's innocent but even if it is you are not obliged to be over friendly.

Wouldn’t you neighbours be the perfect babysitter?

Really? OP said she's only recently moved in, so she doesn't know her neighbours well at all. Responsible parents don't leave their children with random people that they don't know very well. I'd be suspicious of anyone taking an abnormal amount of interest in my children and definitely wouldn't leave my children with them.

I would definitely be creeped out as well. When you are home you want your privacy, to be able to do your own thing. Without having to feel you have to have your neighbours over every day. It's a unhealthy attachment this woman is trying to make and it would make me feel uncomfortable as well. There is an older man on a particular bus near us and he always tried to touch my little one when he sees us and it makes both me and my lo feel uncomfortable. I think it is seen as culturally acceptable in the UK to be very full on with young children like this but I think if you don't know someone you don't do something like this, the same goes for a child. I would try your best to keep your distance.

I was going to ask if you thought she had special needs. This would set my senses off too for some reason. Can’t think why a 20 year old wants to play in a tent with a 2 year old. Or take them to soft play.

She is ignoring your boundaries and not taking no for an answer, thats a safeguarding red flag.

I’m guessing she’s broody or just loves kids, probably wants to make good neighbourly relationships too. But I can’t see how it’s frustrating you and I wouldn’t like it either, th there are boundaries you can’t cross and just because she’s a woman doesn’t make it ok. To avoid any fall outs (as she may not be aware there are issues) can you start off with the usual ‘sorry not today/busy etc etc’ tactics and see if she calms it down once she takes a hint. Also consider a higher fence. I think I’d have to directly explain how I felt if she continued after this.