To think my neighbour is too full on with my child

[mamamilkmachine]

Okay so....recently moved into a new house. The neighbours are a young couple. The back garden fence is only waist height. We've spoken briefly just passing hellos and the usual, but now the girl who is 20 has befriended my 2 year old daughter. Whenever my girl is in the garden she comes out and talks over the fence to my girl, my daughter really likes her and now my looks for her when she goes out in the garden. The girls boyfriend has a son who comes once a fortnight, when he was here last week they was asking if they could come into our garden to play with my girls toys and to play football, i begrudgingly agreed and now she keeps trying to come into our garden by making comments to my child about coming in to play. She even posted a handwritten letter to us both apologising for not having come out when she said she would and saying that she will be there as a friend for my daughter. What the fuck do I do?

I have to be honest op. I would be freaked out by it. Why does a twenty year old want to be a two year olds friend?!?! Its werid. It doesnt matter what gender she is, its creepy. Think I'd put a taller fence in both sides. If she asked to come play, I'd keep saying, "sorry we're busy today." But that's just me. Maybe she is nice and likes kids?! Maybe she wants to be her friend?! Sorry even just writing that last sentence made me cringe, and sets off my alarm bells. Best thing you can do is listen to your gut feeling and act on it.

I've always preferred kids to adults. At parties I would happily look after the kids while the adults talk and drink. I imagine being young with a step child she finds that hard and likes playing with your daughter. No reason to think there's anything else in it other than a young girl who likes kids.

If you can’t get a higher fence, you’ll just have to be pointed until she takes the hint.

She's probably broody and lonely, I always used to be round my neighbours at that age playing with the kids, cuddling babies, having coffee. They all then used me as the babysitter and friends who had their kids even younger than me would trust me to babysit. At one point I was babysitting other people's kids and taking them to playgroup with the neighbours kids.
I'm the eldest of all siblings and cousins in my who family, it was just normal to me to be "playing mum".

I'd invite her for coffee and start chatting to find all these things out.

I had this but with a lone Mum next door. She was nice on the surface but something just felt "off". She had a 3 year old who would constantly look for my (considerably older) DDS. The woman was just TOO keen and TOO interested.

It's hard to put it into words but I sensed something to be wary of.

Sure enough, one day...about 3 months after we'd moved in, my DH was putting something in the shed when he heard the unmistakable sounds of sex coming from HER shed.

At least that's what he thought. He heard HER panting and groaning as though she was having sex.

He came inside and asked me to listen. So I did...and shortly after, she came out alone. We saw her exit from our window. Nobody was with her.

She was, we think, waiting for my DH to hear her...and what? Be tempted to join in? We have NO idea.

We moved not long later. Not because of her but thank GOD!

Listen to your gut, OP.

Yes, lots of people like to play with kids, but that doesn't mean they should be indulged against the parent's wishes.

Also, I like kids. I work with kids. I would never try to befriend a child and there is a difference between that and simply looking after a kid or playing with them. Trying to set up a friendship with a child independently of its parents is not normal, IMO.

but would you be saying the same if it was a male who befriended my daughter??

You're being ridiculous, she sounds like a nice neighbour, although she may be annoying and you can pull back from her if you wish to but to suggest that^ is awful.

Thankfully, I had friends who saw me as a free, kind babysitter and auntie instead of a paedophile.

Me too, but the key here is they were my friends, not someone who had just moved in next door.

Okay so I haven't suggested anything about her been a peadophile. I just asked if you would you say the same if she was a male.....this is when people stated mentioning sex offenders and peadphiles so that tells me that if it was a male who had befriended my child you would be thinking differently. I am pretty sure it's harmless but it's overbearing. I mean she sent us a letter saying that she will be here as a friend for my 2 year oId 🤷‍♀️

Any adult befriending a 2 year old is weird. It’s different if she’s a friend of the child’s mum.

I'm leaning more toward thinking she may be autistic or something rather than a danger

The two aren't mutually exclusive. I've worked with a number of young adults with SEN who are a risk to children. So even if your suspicion that she has ASD is correct (and that's a big if) that doesn't mean it's safe to assume her intentions are completely innocent. They may well be, but you can't know for sure.

I would be wary of any adult who developed such an intense interest in my child, and especially referring to themselves as the child's "friend". It's concerning that some posters are encouraging you to see this virtual strangers determination to spend time with your child as a convenient babysitting opportunity. I think the responses on this thread would be very different if you had posted the exact same story about a male neighbour. In fact there was a thread only yesterday where the OP had her arse handed to her (and rightly so!) for letting a male friend (who eventually became her DP) babysit her young daughter even though she had only known him a short time as she thought it would be safe because he was related to a friend of hers. I fail to see how this is different, other than the gender of the individual concerned. As someone who has spent many years working with both perpetrators and victims of abuse in a variety of settings I can assure you that women can and do sexually abuse children. Most often it's at the behest of a man but not always.

OP, what really matters here is that you as a parent are uncomfortable with this situation and I would be too. Maybe PP are right and your neighbour "just loves children", of course that's feasible. But If there's one key message that has been emphasised time and time again in all the safeguarding training I've done (and I've done a lot) it's "if something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't". So trust your instincts- build a fence or plant a big fuck-off hedge, don't feel obliged to have this woman in your garden out of politeness, do whatever you need to do to feel safe and comfortable in your own home.

It’s definitely weird.

You don’t have to work out what kind of weird. Or solve the neighbour’s problems. Your job is to keep your child away from the weirdness.

I’m surprised at the posters who think you owe NDN something because she’s “nice”.