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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my partner being selfish

87 replies

Lindasmt1 · 18/10/2019 16:34

My adult son committed suicide 3 weeks ago out of the blue he seemed happy the way his life was and making plans for his future so it has totally thrown me and I am extremely not happy and grieving.
I collected his ashes the other day and was really upset. That night my partner asked for sex I told him I wasnt in the mood as haven't been since this has all happened and he turned round to me and said that I've not to ignore his needs. Aibu thinking that was really selfish of him whole I am grieving for my 1st born

OP posts:

NotStayingIn · 18/10/2019 17:39

I’m so so sorry for your loss OP.

I think the behaviour of your partner is appalling and I’m glad you are seeing that too. If he is walking around in a strop because he isn’t getting any attention I would honestly be tempted to tell him to fuck off. You have seriously got to be kidding me with this sort of behaviour. You are not in the wrong here.

HollowTalk · 18/10/2019 17:40

I am so sorry you lost your son.

What's your financial and housing situation? Can you easily tell this man to leave? You are seeing just how selfish he is right now.

messolini9 · 18/10/2019 17:42

he turned round to me and said that I've not to ignore his needs.

Bloody hell. Has he had an empathy bypass?
He is a selfish twat.

Is he usually focused on his own "needs" ("wants" more like) at the expense of your wellbeing?
I hope you feel able to tell him to look after his own wants while you grieve.
Also that you expect your NEED to have a compassionate, helpful partner trumps his selfish wants.

I am so sorry for your shocking loss.

messolini9 · 18/10/2019 17:52

I didn’t get nagging from the OP, just that he asked.

I'm astonished, @Pretzelcoatl.
DP asked for sex on the evening OP had collected her son's ashes & when she declined, laid a guilt trip by upping the demand to I've not to ignore his needs

That's not just nagging - it's emotional blackmail, gobsmacking entitlement & riding rough-shod over OP's grief & heartbreak.

Some people want distraction from grief, so I gave his clumsy words the benefit of the doubt.
I just can't get my head round how you are so focused on the male's perspective here. Has it not occured to you that it is the OP who needs "distraction from grief", not to mention support, sympathy, & a shift to the relationship to being all about her for the foreseeable?

DP's son hasn't died. OP's has.
OP has needs right now. DP only has wants.
I cannot believe you are taking his part in this, or giving a moment's credence to his revolting point of view.

BlueJava · 18/10/2019 18:25

So sorry for your loss, I can't imagine how difficult that must be for you. Your partner sounds a shocker, totally unreasonable. For me it would be grounds to split from him for being so callous and unsupporting.

Pretzelcoatl · 18/10/2019 18:37

@messolini9

It didn’t read like a guilt trip to me - he’s asked, she’d said no, and he didn’t pursue it further. He did, after that, say what I took to mean “You’re not the only one”. I didn’t say that it was kind or appropriate, I just suggested that it may have come from his own grief.

I’m not focused on the male’s perspective - I take it as given that the OP isn’t a fool and has a relationship which isn’t new, and her long-term partner said something clumsy and inconsiderate at a time when they both (presumably) are grieving, and she was venting about it.

Far more concerning to me is all of the posters who are telling a woman still grieving for her deceased child to make major life changes on the basis of a single comment, when there has been no indication of any other problems in the OP’s relationship.

thepeopleversuswork · 18/10/2019 18:49

Pretzelcoatl

Sorry, but by definition, any man who is pestering a recently bereaved partner for sex and then guilt-tripping her for not considering his "needs" is not someone who the OP needs anywhere her when she is grieving, let alone sharing her bed.

And its not true to say there are no indications that anything else is wrong -- the OP said he has been "crabby" around the house when she is grieving the suicide of a son due to lack of attention. That is mind-blowingly selfish behaviour.

If you can't see this you need to give your head a wobble.

Loveislandaddict · 18/10/2019 18:51

I could understand if he said he wanted to give a comforting cuddle, and I mean a hug, rather than anything more.

However, ‘needs’?!! Selfish idiot.

Sorry for your loss.

CrowBones · 18/10/2019 18:52

So sorry for your loss OP

Pretzelcoatl · 18/10/2019 19:00

@thepeopleversuswork

Perhaps I do, since I can’t see how asking once is pestering. Nor how indicating one has needs is a guilt trip.

People in grief, especially recent grief, don’t always have the most rational behaviour. If the OP’s partner has been “crabby” for the past couple of weeks - since the death - it would be foolish to not think that’s related.

Not everybody processes grief the same way. Some want to be quietly alone, some shriek and rend their garments, some wall it off and try to deny it, some try to fill their time with as much happiness as possible.

They’re both going through an emotionally hard time right now. I would be inclined to go easy on both of them until the intensity of the grief has passed.

WomensRightsAreContraversial · 18/10/2019 19:00

He did, after that, say what I took to mean “You’re not the only one”

It sounds like the son who has died is hers not his. In which case even if you'e interpretation is right, he doesn't get to play grief top trumps.

Liverbird77 · 18/10/2019 19:03

I am so sorry for your loss. So sorry. I don't have the words and I cannot imagine what you're going through.
You must put yourself first. Your physical, emotional and mental wellbeing are of paramount importance.
Your partner is totally wrong.

FiddlesticksAkimbo · 18/10/2019 19:11

Man is an arse

Pretzelcoatl · 18/10/2019 19:15

@WomensRightsAreContraversial

It doesn’t sound like he is, and there’s no hierarchy of grief either way. People feel how they feel.

Hopefully the OP and her partner get through this with as little damage as possible.

Arnoldthecat · 18/10/2019 19:20

OMG

LizB62A · 18/10/2019 19:38

I'm so sorry to hear about your son

Your other half is a total prick - what an awful way to behave at a time when you're going through something so awful.

Be kind to yourself, as he isn't being kind to you....

Leeds2 · 18/10/2019 19:47

I'm so sorry for your loss, Linda.

Fwiw, I don't think I could continue to have a relationship with a man who had behaved as your DP has.

ThreeLittleDots · 18/10/2019 19:51

I can’t see how asking once is pestering. Nor how indicating one has needs is a guilt trip

What an idiotic thing to say. By definition, mentioning "his needs" (puke) is a guilt trip and OP is wise indeed to consider that she is being used.

Pretzelcoatl · 18/10/2019 20:11

@ThreeLittleDots

‘By definition, mentioning “his needs” (puke) is a guilt trip”

With all due respect, you have a very unhealthy view of communication within relationships if this is something you genuinely believe.

NoSauce · 18/10/2019 20:14

It doesn’t sound like he is, and there’s no hierarchy of grief either way

Yes there is. The OP has lost her son, of course she’s going to feel worse than him.

madcatladyforever · 18/10/2019 20:15

You should dump him like a ton of bricks. Right away.
How DARE he even think about sex when you are grieving for your precious son.
I feel so enraged on your behalf I want to come over and punch him in the face. What an absolute cunt!!!

GettingABitDesperateNow · 18/10/2019 20:19

He is being a dick. He can cum anyway. I imagine there isn't anything that's going to help you atm. Its only been 3 weeks not 3 years, you must still be in shock. I'm so sorry for your loss and that your partners been a dick

ThreeLittleDots · 18/10/2019 20:22

Pretzel

No, I'm fine thanks. You however appear to be in a minority of 1 here.

madcatladyforever · 18/10/2019 20:23

Everyone who is defending this man is a cunt also.

decisionsindecisions · 18/10/2019 20:30

OP. I suspect your P is just pissed off because your attention isn’t on him. He’s not the right person to support you emotionally because he is a selfish little man.

I’m so, so sorry about your son.

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