Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my partner being selfish

87 replies

Lindasmt1 · 18/10/2019 16:34

My adult son committed suicide 3 weeks ago out of the blue he seemed happy the way his life was and making plans for his future so it has totally thrown me and I am extremely not happy and grieving.
I collected his ashes the other day and was really upset. That night my partner asked for sex I told him I wasnt in the mood as haven't been since this has all happened and he turned round to me and said that I've not to ignore his needs. Aibu thinking that was really selfish of him whole I am grieving for my 1st born

OP posts:
NoSauce · 18/10/2019 16:57

He may be grieving but there’s no way he feels the same as the OP. It sounds like he’s wanting his partner “back to normal” for his own selfish gain. It’s unforgivable what he’s said. 3 weeks? I too think the OP should consider her future with him.

SpamChaudFroid · 18/10/2019 16:57

*Bold fail

Servalan · 18/10/2019 17:00

Nagging your partner to have sex with you when she doesn't want to is now a grief-busting technique? Who knew?

dottiedodah · 18/10/2019 17:03

I am so sorry for your terrible loss . Can you speak to a grief Counsellor or very close friend at all? Your DP seems to have a problem of being shut out ATM! He is being utterly insensitive to you .Tell him you are not up to sex and its his problem if he doesnt like it Im afraid!

Pretzelcoatl · 18/10/2019 17:04

@Servalan

I didn’t get nagging from the OP, just that he asked.

Some people want distraction from grief, so I gave his clumsy words the benefit of the doubt. 🤷‍♂️

iklboo · 18/10/2019 17:04

Could his needs also be grief that he needs help dealing with?

Seriously?

AloeVeraLynn · 18/10/2019 17:09

He's a scumbag

thepeopleversuswork · 18/10/2019 17:10

I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. I can't begin to imagine how you must be feeling.

I'm also astonished at your partner's insensitivity, and I've heard and seen some cuntish behaviour in my time. He is at best an emotionally illiterate and insensitive pig, and worst massively abusive.

He is not the kind of person you need around you to support you after this huge and life changing tragedy. For your own sanity you should leave him.

Mary1935 · 18/10/2019 17:13

I’m truly sorry for your loss. You must be devastated. Sex will be the last thing on your mind. A supportive partner will understand this.
I hope you have other reliable support. There is an organisation called The Compassionate Friends who support you with this.
I have had two siblings kill themselves and it’s just tragic.
🌺🌺

MoaningMinniee · 18/10/2019 17:13

.

BrutusMcDogface · 18/10/2019 17:13

This is horrific. You poor thing; I’m so sorry for the loss of your son and in such a traumatic and sudden way SadFlowers

Your partner is actual scum. How dare he!?

BrutusMcDogface · 18/10/2019 17:15

@MoaningMinniee - what the fuck?! Angry

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/10/2019 17:16

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. What a horrible shock.

Yes, your partner is being incredibly selfish at a time when you need his support most. I'm so sorry. Flowers

PowerToTheMeeple · 18/10/2019 17:16

I am so so sorry for your loss OP, it is really devastating. Your OH is a cunt, pure and simple.

As an aside, I’m not sure what support you have and it’s very early days for you, but please have a look at uksobs.org/ who my family have found extremely supportive after the death of my father in the same way. Please look after yourself and ignore your OH Flowers

TypingoftheDead · 18/10/2019 17:18

He is being selfish - 3 weeks is no time at all when you've lost someone you love and intimacy is likely the last thing on your mind right now. He needs to put his "needs" (sex isn't a need because he's not going to die if he doesn't get any) aside.
If he cares enough for you, he'll understand why he ought to put up and shut up for now.

Borderterrierpuppy · 18/10/2019 17:19

Omg op I am so sorry for your loss.

Is your partner used to being selfish and insensitive?
If so Please put yourself first and get rid.

If it was a momentary lapse of reason read him the riot act explaining exactly how it made you feel.

Again so so sorry the loss of your son xxx

Slappadabass · 18/10/2019 17:21

I wouldn't call that selfish, I would call it absolutely vile and totally out of line.
I can't believe he even had the cheek to ask for sex, nevermind say that when you said no. I think you should be rethinking your relationship with this man, he should be supporting you, loving you and trying to make this awful time just a little bit easier for you, not asking you for sex and making hideous comments like that.
I'm so sorry for your loss, ignore your OH, you owe him nothing and just look after yourself, his needs don't even come into it. FlowersFlowers

AlternativePerspective · 18/10/2019 17:23

How long have you been together?

Original poster
Lindasmt1 · 18/10/2019 17:27

No he isn't the father.
Thanks every1 just had 2 get it of my chest hes been walking about the house for days crabbit probably because hes getting no attention. Just feel he ain't been there for me emotionally or anyway to be honest Sad

OP posts:
Windydaysuponus · 18/10/2019 17:29

Well he isn't Dear or a Partner is he?
Maybe consider if your ds would want you staying with a man who cares so little for your feelings /wellbeing.
Time for a fresh start imo op.
So sorry for your loss.
Flowers

thepeopleversuswork · 18/10/2019 17:33

LindasMT I'm so sorry.

At the moment your sole priority should be processing what has happened to you and drawing comfort from your loved ones. Everything else should be taking a back seat to this for now.

The fact that this man considers his "need" for sex or attention to be in the same universe as your need to process such a huge thing should tell you what his priorities are.

You need to seek out people who love and support you and have your wellbeing as a priority. This man is not one of those people.

Do you live together? Is it your home or his? Is there anyone you can stay with?

I really think you need to get away from him as a matter of urgency so you can focus on your ow needs.

billandbenflowerpotmen1 · 18/10/2019 17:34

A wise person told me once that the way a person acts in a crisis is who they actually are
This is who is is

Marshmallow91 · 18/10/2019 17:35

I've never said LTB before

But LTB. He's a callous prick

WomensRightsAreContraversial · 18/10/2019 17:37

Flowers I can't imagine what you must be going through. Xxx

Sex isn't a need Hmm that sounds le something an 'incel' would say. This isn't the 1950s, women aren't there to service men's needs

snowball28 · 18/10/2019 17:39

Oh my goodness that’s just not on at all. That is so nasty and selfish.

I’m so incredibly sorry to hear about the loss of your son, thinking of you Flowers

Swipe left for the next trending thread