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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to give up on OLD in the name of 'what's for me won't go by me'?

66 replies

TeaCeremony · 18/10/2019 15:47

I'm 29 and I've never been in a relationship. My life is okay but I'd really love to meet someone.

I've been trying OLD for a few years. It's so depressing. There are not many men around my age on Match or any of the paid sites near me, so I tried Bumble and Tinder. I get lots of 'likes' and matches but conversations fizzle out really easily. I've been on a few dates but I've never met anyone I wanted to meet again.

I have a few different hobbies and I'm a busy person. I don't socialise as much with friends because (depressingly) they're all coupled up and I work shifts.

I'm beginning to come to the conclusion that if love exists and there's some force in the universe controlling it (i.e. it's 'meant to be') I'll meet the person regardless?

AIBU?

OP posts:

PumpkinP · 18/10/2019 17:42

I would keep trying with the online dating. Have you never actually had a relationship at all?

araiwa · 18/10/2019 17:45

More likely to find that person if youre actively looking than doing nowt

Ebonyandivory2 · 18/10/2019 17:46

No stick with it! It’s hard going but I’ve recently met a lovely man via OLD. Pretty sure we’re heading towards making things “official” so it can happen

Sexnotgender · 18/10/2019 17:50

I’m a big advocate of OLD, I met my husband online.

It’s a numbers game, date like a man, don’t become overinvested!

kitk · 18/10/2019 17:52

Have you tried POF? Free and plenty of men in late 20s-mid 30s. Bumble and Tinder are more hook up sites

MojoMoon · 18/10/2019 17:54

There is no magical force at work.

Give up on old if you want (I did) but don't just then feel like you've put it in all the hands of "fate" or "Cupid".

Keep being busy - go to your hobby groups, say yes to invitations, make new friends, try new activities/groups.

There is no fate...but you can definitely improve your chances by expanding your network of friends and acquaintances. Build as many good friendships as you can.
Through them, you will come into contact with more people and so increase your chances of meeting someone lovely who you like and who treats you well.

And if you don't meet someone, you'll have loads of great pals to hang out with.

formerbabe · 18/10/2019 17:54

The old adage that love comes along when you are least expecting it is absolute nonsense.

All my friends who are in relationships actively sought them out, not necessarily through OLD but in other ways too, as did I.

wafflethewonderdog · 18/10/2019 17:56

Definitely stick with it. I met my DH in 2011 on Match, married for 6 years with 2 DDs.
It took a while, plenty of frogs but there's someone out there for you.

OLDEnquirer · 18/10/2019 17:57

I was just going to start a thread this morning but chickened out. I know how you feel.

I do want to ask which sites people recommend then? It could help if you get those here (assuming you don't already know).

PumpkinP · 18/10/2019 18:00

tinder and bumble like the op said she’s already using. I haven’t used them myself but most people seem to use them two

kitk · 18/10/2019 18:02

I met ex and current DP on plentyoffish. I liked it just fine- easy interface and plenty of guys in your age range

KatharinaRosalie · 18/10/2019 18:04

There's no magical force that will deliver prince charming when you least expect it.

If you're unemployed, would you sit at home waiting for the perfect job to appear from thin air? No. Same with finding a partner.

SleepingSoul · 18/10/2019 18:06

Kitk I found POF horrendous, far worse than Bumble. I'm surprised you say that.

OP I was ready to write off OLD after a few iffy dates and lots of fizzling out chats, and was thinking the same as you but decided to give a guy I'd started chatting to a chance before giving up and he's amazing, been seeing him since Jan and so glad I didn't give up.

I think cast your net wide and don't pin hopes on OLD but keep it as an option. Maybe what's for you is destined to find you online.

OLDEnquirer · 18/10/2019 18:07

Is match for older men then? Say from 40, that's the age range I'm looking for. I know tinder and the others are for younger men.

Butterchunks · 18/10/2019 18:11

I met dp on OkCupid just before my 30th birthday having been on match and guardian soulmates first. 7 years and 1 Dd later I'd still recommend that site (although I don't know how much it's changed since back then). I found OkCupid gave you the most insight into their personalities and best of all it was free!

Keep trying, keep your standards high (you're worth it), and good luck

OLDEnquirer · 18/10/2019 18:12

OP I understand you want to give up but you could just take a break instead and focus on you. OLD can just be a 'by-the-by ' thing you do, so if you meet someone, great, if not, great.

Butterchunks · 18/10/2019 18:12

Forgot to mention he was also my first long term relationship (and hopefully last).

BarbedBloom · 18/10/2019 18:13

I met my husband on POF as well. It may be worth trying different sites

ColaFreezePop · 18/10/2019 18:18

OP do any of your hobbies include things that both men and women do, and men out number women? If not find one that does.

Plus keep on the OLD and go on dates like a man.

Also remember in other social situations the more you talk to strangers, even if you never see them again, the more you are likely to meet a man you like.

WeirdAndPissedOff · 18/10/2019 18:20

Following this thread with interest, as I'm in the exact same situation.
However, I've not put myself out there for a good few years, since early/mid 20s, thinking it might happen if its meant to, but still chronically single.
Without putting yourself out there, most people you bump into in everyday life are either taken, not interested, or just don't happen to cross your path or make the right conversation.
The cliche of Mr/Miss right just happening to cross your path and you both just catch each others' just doesn't happen all that often.

Crystal87 · 18/10/2019 18:24

I'd keep at online dating. You're opening yourself up to the opportunity of meeting more people
and it's more direct than just hoping to bump into someone and seeing if it'll lead somewhere. If you believe that the right person for you is out there, then being online is only going to widen your chances.

OLDEnquirer · 18/10/2019 18:27

It seems only okcupid and pof are free right? Is match good value for money?

RitmoRatmo · 18/10/2019 18:32

I met my lovely DP on Tinder, and before that my previous BF on another dating site. My sister met both of her husbands on Match.com.

I really do think you need to put yourself out there in order to find the right one.

TillyTheTiger · 18/10/2019 18:34

I met my husband on POF, it took around 18 months but I was going on 2-3 dates a week at one point ... I definitely treated it as a numbers game. I was fairly ruthless - no messing about chatting for weeks with timewasters, and no getting overly invested before actually meeting up with someone.

John470322 · 18/10/2019 18:51

I've just been out with my wife for a meal to celebrate that it is 16 years today since I moved into her house. We were engaged when I moved in and got married in May 2004.

We met through on line dating and she is lovely and I love her so much. We would never have met if we had not met on line.

We were both 55 years old when we met.

Keep trying.

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