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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to give up on OLD in the name of 'what's for me won't go by me'?

66 replies

TeaCeremony · 18/10/2019 15:47

I'm 29 and I've never been in a relationship. My life is okay but I'd really love to meet someone.

I've been trying OLD for a few years. It's so depressing. There are not many men around my age on Match or any of the paid sites near me, so I tried Bumble and Tinder. I get lots of 'likes' and matches but conversations fizzle out really easily. I've been on a few dates but I've never met anyone I wanted to meet again.

I have a few different hobbies and I'm a busy person. I don't socialise as much with friends because (depressingly) they're all coupled up and I work shifts.

I'm beginning to come to the conclusion that if love exists and there's some force in the universe controlling it (i.e. it's 'meant to be') I'll meet the person regardless?

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
TeaCeremony · 18/10/2019 18:55

If you're unemployed, would you sit at home waiting for the perfect job to appear from thin air?

Huh. I never thought to look at it like that.

OP do any of your hobbies include things that both men and women do, and men out number women? If not find one that does.

No. Women outnumber men at nearly everything. I go to a running group which is maybe more even. There's usually chit chat but no one ever really starts to properly talk.

OP posts:
Original poster
TeaCeremony · 18/10/2019 19:21

And if I do treat it like looking for a job, how picky should I be?

OP posts:
Sexnotgender · 18/10/2019 19:24

And if I do treat it like looking for a job, how picky should I be?

Super picky!!! Don’t settle.

Oysterbabe · 18/10/2019 19:34

Keep at it. The man of your dreams could be getting dumped as we speak.

A friend of mine went on a date every weekend for 2 years before meeting her now husband. My sister in law organised 14 dates, 1 a night for 2 weeks, and one of those was my brother in law. I met my husband on match. We've been married 4 years and have 2 kids.

It's a numbers game, date date date and sack off the ones with red flags immediately.

Original poster
TeaCeremony · 18/10/2019 19:35

The man of your dreams could be getting dumped as we speak

Grin That made me laugh Grin

OP posts:
Amys136 · 18/10/2019 19:39

I agree with the poster that said treat it like looking for a job. If you weren’t bothered about it then I’d say leave the online dating but if you want a relationship you need to put yourself out there either via hobbies or OLD.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 18/10/2019 19:40

It's a numbers game. I used to get fed up of it, and have to give it a rest every now and then . I worked out over a couple of years I'd had some kind of on line dialogue situation with about 200 blokes. For various reasons, some involving profile pics obviously taken in bedrooms with a heavy female presence, and ongoing dialogue where they obviously hadn't kept track of what they'd said previously liars I never met any of them. I only met the one after. Reader, I married him. Have faith!

waterrat · 18/10/2019 19:44

I really like the numbers game line and it helped me when I was ready to just give up on believing in mr right. (I'm now married. Met my husband in a pub...)

Is it worth paying for a dating site so that the men are more committed?

100 percent treat it like looking for a job. Be committed and look at lots and lots of different ways of meeting men.

Also. My top tip. Look for ways to expand your friendship circle . You will be making life more enjoyable and also increasing the chances of meeting a man through one of your new friends.

Don't give up op he is out there somewhere. He isn't going to come knocking on your door though.

OLDEnquirer · 18/10/2019 19:45

@John470332 Wow! So we have MNers who are 70-odd years! Impressive. Nice to 'meet' you and lovely inspiring story about you and your wife.

user1473878824 · 18/10/2019 19:49

When you say conversation are fizzling out, how long are you chatting for? Because if it’s weeks you might be better suggesting a date with them and see if there’s a spark?

firstimemamma · 18/10/2019 19:49

I met my fiancé through OLD, don't give up Smile

NurseButtercup · 18/10/2019 19:50

My friend got married in August and she met her husband on POF. My friend was very determined to find a partner, so she went on a LOT of dates with a LOT of men until she met her husband.

catmum2019 · 18/10/2019 19:54

Op u sound so like me when I was 29, I'm 34 now met dp online at 30, baby on way and wedding booked!

but like previous posts have said it's a numbers game keep at it!

Original poster
TeaCeremony · 18/10/2019 19:54

When you say conversation are fizzling out, how long are you chatting for?

I 'matched' with four men this week but didn't really have much to say other than the 'how are you?' 'nearly Friday' chat, which is a bit embarrassing Blush

I did match with someone who it was really easy to chat to about six months ago, but he kept arranging dates and then backing out. He did that 3 times before I thought enough was enough.

OP posts:
user1473878824 · 18/10/2019 19:57

That’s not embarrassing! You’re talking to someone you don’t know, I think we would all do the same! Best of luck OP. Definitely agree with the job analogy. I think yes be picky and do not settle, but also don’t worry about going on a few bad dates before you meet someone you click with. Got to metaphorically kiss some frogs and all that!

Ferretyone · 18/10/2019 20:00

@wafflethewonderdog

Is "plenty of frogs" the honest dating site?

user1473878824 · 18/10/2019 20:04

@ferretyone Grin

LokisLover · 18/10/2019 20:08

Tea I am near to giving up with OLD especially the swipey ones. I really believe that a lot (not all) of people aren’t quite who they say they are. Either they’re emotionally unavailable or are almost addicted to the swiping just in case the next swipe is the one. It’s an ego boost to some I think.
It can be really damaging, Ive tried my hardest, been engaging, have nice pics but it’s just not working. I used to take it personally but I know it’s not me.

I have matched with quite a few people too, have conversations, get ghosted and the cycle continues. People can hide behind these apps, no one would treat someone the same way in real life I swear.

What the answer is I just don’t know. But I’d rather be single and enjoy the life I have than settle for someone for the sake of it.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 18/10/2019 20:12

I've been to a couple of weddings from match.com.

Its up to you. If you see it as passing the time and you might enjoy it hen keep at it and you might at least meet some friends.

If you hate it and you're going on dates gritting your teeth, you're not going to enjoy it or meet someone so give it up and do something you like better

MissConductUS · 18/10/2019 20:14

Stick with it. I met DH on match.com an age ago (it was still free at the time and didn't let you upload photos). We were both mid 30's at the time. We never would have met in any other way.

We're happy married 22 years with two great kids and a good life together. It is possible.

Original poster
TeaCeremony · 18/10/2019 20:14

TBH earlier I was really down and the only relationship I could see myself getting into was a bad one. It really isn't me either.

I was hoping people would agree that you meet the people the universe wants you to meet but oh well Grin Sad

I go through ups and downs. Sometimes I think I'd rather be single, but more often than not I am lonely.

OP posts:
LokisLover · 18/10/2019 20:24

Read The unexpected joy of being single. It’s not a book about being single for the rest of your life but puts the good stuff in perspective.
I still get lonely and I do want to meet someone but while I’m waiting it did help.
Also some of the baggage reclaim podcast episodes are good too.

OLDEnquirer · 18/10/2019 20:29

I was hoping people would agree that you meet the people the universe wants you to meet but oh well

@TeaCeremony Depends on who you ask. Some people have had this experience and some haven't.
Those who have had the experience will tell you it happens. Some of those who haven't experienced it will tell you it doesn't happen, while some will tell you it can happen although they have never seen it happen.

So it depends on who you ask and where you go. I doubt this is where you'll get that affirmation/confirmation.

user1473878824 · 18/10/2019 22:38

@TeaCeremony I think you do meet people that way, but you also can’t be passive about it, if that makes sense? I completely randomly met DP who is now DH to be after a lunch thing I wasn’t really up for going to but thought urgh may as well and got chatting to him completely coincidentally because he was in the same place. He’d literally gone to a thing as an urgh May as well too. It’s not the same as may as well put myself out there on OLD but works out the same but the odds are more in your favour

NoNameIdeas · 18/10/2019 23:09

I joined match the year I turned 30, didn't think I'd meet anyone (or it would be full of crazy people...) but I gave it a go and chatted to one guy the night I signed up.
I'm nearly 36 now; I married that guy and we have a little boy.

Don't give up x

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