Is this cheating or not?

[Mainsode21]

Bit of background
Me and my boyfriend got together about 3 years ago we met through mutual friends and at the time I wasn’t really ready for a relationship but he pursued and I started to like him.
At first he helped look after my daughter ( from a previous relationship) while I worked and I wouldn’t give us a title ( boyfriend/ girlfriend) we went out like clubs/drinking and went to our mutual friends wedding.
After a few months I found out during this time he had got drunk and slept with a girl he had met a few times while me and him were in the talking stage.
I got angry and we didn’t speak for a few weeks but then I gave in and we started going out properly. I guess I started to see I had grown feelings as hurt he had slept with another woman while pursuing me.
I then found out he got another woman pregnant but this was months before I knew him so not really a problem.
Fast forward to now and we have one daughter together he’s a great partner and we have our nights out and time together. I can’t get that girl he slept with out of my head though. I think I was too forgiving.
I also found out he had done a few sexual things with another woman that I know of ( the mutual friends we have) but again this was before we were official.

Am I being stupid? Should I just forget these past hiccups and carry on?

OP what did you want people to say?

He didnt cheat. It's not even almost cheating. You have no right to that information. Its shitty to expect someone to act like they are in a relationship with you when you wont be in one with them.

But you chose to be with him anyway and chose to move him in, let him look after your child, had a baby with him. Knowing he was a loswe who you barely know?

Would you prefer us to say 'oh poor dear. It will all be ok. Just carry on as you are'

Am I the only one who gets depressed when reading threads like this?

no...

there's something to say about no kids before marriage, and actually discussing what you expect from relationships and parenting. Poor kids.

My now partner offered to have her and as he was a mutual friends relative I agreed and he came over and watched her while I worked.

OP, I'm sorry you're upset by the responses on this thread but honestly, you must realise this isn't ok? I know it's in the past and you can't take it back now but people are right to be alarmed that you left your daughter in the care of a man you barely knew. The fact that he was related to someone you knew is irrelevant to the level of risk.

I'm not sure what you want us to say, OP.

How sensible you were to leave your child with a man you barely knew? What a great bloke he is? Who could blame him for not paying maintenance for a year, anyone would need that time to get their head round it? How sensible it was for you to let him move in after all of this and if that wasn't enough, to have his child?

I think you will have a long wait although there are a few posters on here, I call them the OP Fan Club, who will agree with the OP no matter what the subject matter. I'm sure one will be along soon.

There was a thread on here the other day about women who put no thought or consideration on whom they decided to procreate with and here is another fine example.

It IS depressing. Poor bloody kids.

I’m being played I was thinking he’s just more likely to cheat because I let it slip in the beginning

Op, can you try to explain your thoughts here? You seem to be writing that you feel you let it slip that he had sex with other people before being in a relationship with you. As you have a child, you clearly had sex with someone else before you were in a relationship with him.

Are you really thinking that he should have remained celibate from the moment he met you, in the hope you might deem to have a relationship with him in the future? And that as he wasn't celibate you think he will cheat? Even though you youtself were clearly not celibate before you met him?

There was a thread on here the other day about women who put no thought or consideration on whom they decided to procreate with and here is another fine example.

To be honest there is a constant stream of these. Sometimes at different stages of story. You have

The women in new relationships who defend men not seeing their kids, who keep insisting the ex is crazy 'coz he told me' and men who treat them like crap. They are told and they stay.

Then they move on to living with them, moaning about how shit their partner is, nasty to the child they already have. They get told and they stay.

Then it's that they had a baby with him and start pedling the 'I just didnt realise it would be like this'/'he manipulated me' etc. They get told and stay

Then that moves into 'he has fucked off, left me and the kids and not paying anything. I know he didnt this to his ex but couldnt believe he would do it to me'

That moves on to 'my ex new gr hatea me and thinks I am crazy, how could they be so stupid to believe him'.

So many people name change, probably so people cant read past threads where they have been told over and over again to get rid, not move in with them, not have a baby etc.

It really is depressing.

It really is depressing

couldn't agree more.

Fucking hell, there are some high and mighty and downright cruel people on this website. OP has asked for advice, not judgement.

Personally, I wouldn't consider it cheating. He has shown interest in you from day one and helped you with your child from a previous relationship. You've been together several years and I'm assuming there have been no other incidences with other women since you became official? He might not be the perfect man but it sounds like you have encouraged him to be better and at least he's taken your advice on board and started doing more for his other child.

At the end of the day OP, you need to either draw a line under these past issues or put an end to the relationship. Maybe you could talk to partner about how you're feeling and he can explain his side of the story and offer some security and reassurance.

So you met a guy, and after a few weeks you left him alone, overnight with your very young daughter.
You moved him into your home after a short dalliance, and whilst another woman was pregnant with his child.
His child is born, he wants nothing to do with it and refuses to pay. He gives her a small amount because your force him and now he only pays because child maintenance force him.
During this first year of his child's life, he doesn't see it and you get pregnant. At this point you've only been together for maybe a year?

And you're concerned about another woman he slept with when you weren't even a couple? Don't you think, from the shocking list above, that you have other things to be concerned about? Like your terrible parenting of your vulnerable child when you left her alone with a strange man, or your decision to have another child with a man you barely knew and who had a newborn he didn't bother with?

He sounds like a complete loser. Really.... He isn't the sort if man I would let anywhere near me. But you've opened your home to him and had a kid... so you should maybe ask yourself why. And maybe get some counselling for your own self esteem and self worth because it doesn't sound like you have any.

Exactly what @ellllierose said.

There's absolutely no good to be done of picking apart your reasons why you let him babysit. It sounds as if you perhaps knew him better than you've described, reading all of your posts.

And yes, he's not covered himself with glory but he's now paying maintenance and sees his other child. Yes, he may have been forced to but no-one forces him to stay in contact so it sounds as if he's grown up a bit.

What you've got to remember OP, is that we just get a tiny snapshot of your life through the selective facts you mention - he might be a much better guy now than he sounds from the snippets here. Yes, he's been an arse but maybe he's sorted out his act. It does happen and you sound like a positive influence on him.

Finally, try and move past what happened. I do actually get where you're coming from - when you're talking to someone you want to feel as if they're really into you. When you find out they've been shagging someone else it makes you doubt how deep their feelings really were. Of course, it's totally irrational and daft, but if you've got fragile self-esteem it doesn't take much.

Moving forward, you say he adores you and is a good partner. He is doing the decent thing by his other child with both contact and maintenance. He contributes financially with a good job. And he's committed enough to want to get a mortgage. Draw a line under the past and move on, we all get upset sometimes by silly stuff but you need to recognise what you have together now and focus on that.

I also think there is no point going over what the op did. I suspect she was desperate so took a chance, I get why that's shocking, but it is what it is.

@Mainsode21 why is this bothering you so much now - 3 years down the road when, in your own words, your dp adores you?

Is something else going on?

Fucking hell, there are some high and mighty and downright cruel people on this website. OP has asked for advice, not judgement.

Well actually, since she still thought all this shit was fine, actually it does need pointing out.

And honestly, she should be judged. Would you judge her if he hurt the child?

Her main problem and worry is that he shagged someone else before she wanted to be in a relationship.

The problem is hee poor judgement, that's impacting her kids.

Thankyou for picking apart my life. For the last half hour I’ve been sitting here crying my eyes out. Now I don’t know what to do about anything

OP, this is a cruel arena where people are often mean, and always judgement. I’ll tell you what to do. Stop crying, ignore PPs who have been needlessly nasty. Read @ExhaustedFlamingo post a couple of times, and don’t come back to this thread if it’s upsetting you.

*judgmental

I could shake people on MN sometimes!

Stop putting your children at risk for your own selfish needs.

Stop having babies with these fucking wasters.

Why are you worried about this now? You seem to think he cheated. I understood that you have know that he hooked up with others for a while so why does it bother you now? Or have you resented him all these years? Do you trust him at all?

You are in need of an enormous wake up call.
You allowed a male you barely knew to watch your daughter overnight because "he was a mutual friend's relative". Do you realise how badly that situation could have turned out?
You had a baby with someone that had already got someone else pregnant and ignored the child for an entire year.
Your priorities now seem to be all based on you and your emotional needs rather than reflecting on your choices and what impact they have on your kids.

It's utterly depressing to read.

Can't believe you had a kid with this man. Guessing it wasn't planned?

Ginger1982

Can't believe you had a kid with this man. Guessing it wasn't planned?

I wouldn’t be so sure.

Well look, either you get over it, have a talk or couple counselling and make sure you both know what is xpected in future. Concentrate on looking after and coparenting the children you have and being civil with the other parents. Move forward and try to have a happy life.
If you can't get over it, or he fucks up in future consider separating.what's done is done, can't be undone. Put up with it or let him go. What is best for your children?

I read posts like this, and just think

A man like this wouldn't even make it past the small talk stage for me.

Just so dodgy all round.

My take-away from this particular scenario, is that someone needs to bring him up to speed with basic biology, contraception and what the possible consequences are of having sex with a woman.

'Couldn't get his head around it' - fuck my absolute life. 😳

@ThatssomebadhatHarry yeah you never know...

He hasn't put a foot wrong since you became an official couple. Yes, he wasn't the most responsible person in the run up and even a bit of a shit around his daughter, but you can only judge him on how he is now. We all make mistakes and act like twats at times, but you have to go on how he is now and forget the past. This type of regurgitating the past is the sort of thing that breaks couples up, so forget it for now and enjoy what you have.

However I would say that if you ever get a suspicion he's reverting to his previous behaviour be prepared to dump him if he steps out of line again. He's got form so it's always a possibility.