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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this cheating or not?

109 replies

Mainsode21 · 18/10/2019 14:00

Bit of background
Me and my boyfriend got together about 3 years ago we met through mutual friends and at the time I wasn’t really ready for a relationship but he pursued and I started to like him.
At first he helped look after my daughter ( from a previous relationship) while I worked and I wouldn’t give us a title ( boyfriend/ girlfriend) we went out like clubs/drinking and went to our mutual friends wedding.
After a few months I found out during this time he had got drunk and slept with a girl he had met a few times while me and him were in the talking stage.
I got angry and we didn’t speak for a few weeks but then I gave in and we started going out properly. I guess I started to see I had grown feelings as hurt he had slept with another woman while pursuing me.
I then found out he got another woman pregnant but this was months before I knew him so not really a problem.
Fast forward to now and we have one daughter together he’s a great partner and we have our nights out and time together. I can’t get that girl he slept with out of my head though. I think I was too forgiving.
I also found out he had done a few sexual things with another woman that I know of ( the mutual friends we have) but again this was before we were official.

Am I being stupid? Should I just forget these past hiccups and carry on?

OP posts:

Original poster

Mainsode21 · 18/10/2019 14:54

No no no ^ he has one child with me who he very much pays for.

He has one daughter with another woman who he pays child maintenance for.

OP posts:

TheMustressMhor · 18/10/2019 14:54

The reason why people asked where he had been living prior to becoming a cock-lodger at your place was to get an idea of what sort of man he is.

Original poster

Mainsode21 · 18/10/2019 14:56

Do you think so? I didn’t tho k of it as I’m being played I was thinking he’s just more likely to cheat because I let it slip in the beginning.

We never had an exclusive conversation really. After he admitted to sleeping with another woman i phoned him a few weeks later and we just got talking again, before we knew it we agreed he wanted to move in with me and have a go at a proper relationship and I then realised I’d fallen for him.

OP posts:

CanaryBlossom · 18/10/2019 14:57

You’ve shown shockingly poor judgement from day 1 of meeting this guy, from leaving your child with him when he was a stranger, to having a baby with a man you knew showed no interest in supporting his other child... maybe these misgivings you’re having now are actually you starting to realise that.

Good. Wake up.

He’s not a nice man or a great father.

TheMustressMhor · 18/10/2019 14:57

But he only pays maintenance because he was backed into a corner - not because he felt it was the right thing to do.

He isn't coming across as a great catch, OP.

TheMustressMhor · 18/10/2019 14:58

FFS.

You agreed to let him move in with you and your child before you fell for him?

Your judgement sounds worse and worse with every update.

AlexaAmbidextra · 18/10/2019 15:00

Likes to spread his seed doesn’t he?

Thetruth02 · 18/10/2019 15:00

To be fair Op - on the basis of what you are saying there’s no cheating involved. He had sex with people before you became a couple.

However - there are a million other red flags instead... he has a child he didn’t pay for. He had no job and was living with a cousin when you met (and I gather we aren’t talking a flat sharing scenario here - more sofa surfing). You let him babysit your child without knowing him from Adam.

Derbee · 18/10/2019 15:01

OP, I think he slept with aide he didn’t know what The situation with you was. He clearly wanted a relationship, you didn’t. He couldnt put his life on hold in case you changed your mind.

I would forget it, and enjoy your relationship. Everyone here will judge you harshly for everything. You know your relationship. Forget the past, and enjoy your time together

Derbee · 18/10/2019 15:04

This keyboard! he slept with someone because he didn’t know what the situation with you was.

MeTheeAndACupOfTea · 18/10/2019 15:04

OP. You extracted the urine by dangling him a worm before he dangled his worm at someone else. You weren't in a relationship with him at the time, which makes him as free to dangle his worm as you were to hook another man's should you have wanted to.
I'm not going to have a go at you for your additional circumstances, you know your man best, besides, that wasn't your question.
You need to put the past where it belongs, in the past and concentrate on the present and the future. Dwelling on past events doesn't bring anything but trouble to the party, particularly as it's not something that, despite the best will in the world, will not change.

Josette77 · 18/10/2019 15:04

You say the mother of his child apologized to you for sending mean messages. I'm assuming he apologized to her for being a deadbeat dad?

PositiveVibez · 18/10/2019 15:08

You both sound like you deserve each other. It's the poor kids I feel for.

littlepaddypaws · 18/10/2019 15:09

some pp on here don't set the bar very high with what makes a good father or partner, past is past it'e what's happening now that matters, having to be pushed into paying, cock lodging etc.

Hesafriendfromwork · 18/10/2019 15:13

Who he slept with before you were in an actual relationship is non if your business. You were clear, you dint want a relationship. You didnt let cheating slide, because it wasnt cheating. At that point he owed you nothing and didnt have to dedicate himself to winning you over. But honestly

before we knew it we agreed he wanted to move in with me and have a go at a proper relationship and I then realised I’d fallen for him.

Why the fuck did he move in, if you didnt know you had fallen for him before he moved in?

Why do you say 'before we knew it'.

Stop acting like non of this was you making active shitty decisions. This all hanst happened to you. You are an active participant.

Gottobefree · 18/10/2019 15:15

If you aren't official you can't have your cake and eat it too. Obviously it's not nice on the emotions but maybe let the past be the past ? forgive him fully and move on or risk what you have to be angry about something that happened while you weren't together ?

Waxonwaxoff0 · 18/10/2019 15:17

@Derbee because most people on here have morals and wouldn't want anything to do with a bloke who didn't bother to see his own child for a year and had to be coerced into paying maintenance.

Rezie · 18/10/2019 15:18

He asked to be in a relationship and you refused. He looked up with others. Then you wanted a relationship and to your knowledge he hasn't hooked up with anyone. So id say no cheating. There are other red flags though.

MeTheeAndACupOfTea · 18/10/2019 15:22

@Littlepaddypaws
I have a very high bar and good morals, however the OP can't change the past which is why she needs to concentrate on the present.
She didn't ask for moral judgement on her relationship or her circumstances, which is why i didn't pass comment on that part and instead offered advice on the question that she raised.
Nor am i going to be drawn into a bunfight about unfit parents, maintenance, babysitters or anything else.

SilverySurfer · 18/10/2019 15:24

I'm trying to understand how, although you didn’t want to be exclusive you barely knew him yet you let him look after your child! What possessed you?

You then got upset when you discovered he had sex with another woman and prior to that had a child with a different woman for whom he paid nothing for a year because he couldn't get his head around it.

So after all that what's the next logical step? Of course - let him move in and you have another baby!

Am I the only one who gets depressed when reading threads like this?

LizB62A · 18/10/2019 15:27

I felt I’d known him years and trusted him.

TBH after 3 years, you probably still don't really know him and it doesn't sound like you trust him either.
Why on earth did you let him look after your child ?!

MeTheeAndACupOfTea · 18/10/2019 15:29

Am I the only one who gets depressed when reading threads like this?

No@SilverySurfer

It is depressing, but unfortunately par for the course these days it seems, sadly.

diddl · 18/10/2019 15:33

"Am I the only one who gets depressed when reading threads like this?"

Not at all.

So many chances to walk away...

Original poster

Mainsode21 · 18/10/2019 15:42

Thankyou for picking apart my life.
For the last half hour I’ve been sitting here crying my eyes out.
Now I don’t know what to do about anything.

OP posts:

Lllot5 · 18/10/2019 15:42

Ffs these poor kids. One useless man after another in these threads I know I’m old but I honestly don’t remember any of this when I was younger.

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