Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this cheating or not?

109 replies

Mainsode21 · 18/10/2019 14:00

Bit of background
Me and my boyfriend got together about 3 years ago we met through mutual friends and at the time I wasn’t really ready for a relationship but he pursued and I started to like him.
At first he helped look after my daughter ( from a previous relationship) while I worked and I wouldn’t give us a title ( boyfriend/ girlfriend) we went out like clubs/drinking and went to our mutual friends wedding.
After a few months I found out during this time he had got drunk and slept with a girl he had met a few times while me and him were in the talking stage.
I got angry and we didn’t speak for a few weeks but then I gave in and we started going out properly. I guess I started to see I had grown feelings as hurt he had slept with another woman while pursuing me.
I then found out he got another woman pregnant but this was months before I knew him so not really a problem.
Fast forward to now and we have one daughter together he’s a great partner and we have our nights out and time together. I can’t get that girl he slept with out of my head though. I think I was too forgiving.
I also found out he had done a few sexual things with another woman that I know of ( the mutual friends we have) but again this was before we were official.

Am I being stupid? Should I just forget these past hiccups and carry on?

OP posts:
Thetruth02 · 18/10/2019 14:19

I worked nights full time when we first met, I was talking to him about it and not having anybody to look after my daughter (her dad had to go out of town) so I was stuck basically and I had to work my night shift. My now partner offered to have her and as he was a mutual friends relative I agreed and he came over and watched her while I worked. This just sort of happened a few times after as he wanted to help me out thst was it.

^^ this is so fucking dodgy OP... of course he’s now your partner etc - but seriously don’t ever ever get into a situation like that ever again.

ThatMuppetShow · 18/10/2019 14:20

That's fine if it works for you. Hell will freeze over before I (knowingly) share my lover with someone else though.

it works because it's pretty obvious that if you start a relationship, it means you are exclusive! If it needed to be spell out, that "relationship" wouldn't last very long. I am worth more than that.
But when the relationship hasn't even started, you can't call it cheating!

littlepaddypaws · 18/10/2019 14:21

men like this make my teeth itch, not getting their head around having a child ffs, if, as a man you don't want kids use a condom even if your partner is on the pill, it's not rocket science. don't procreate then bugger off to 'get your head round it'.
sorry to sound harsh, but i'd be surprised if you two are together in a years time.

Original poster
Mainsode21 · 18/10/2019 14:23

I know it sounds so bad reading that back now. It was just because we had become close and I felt I’d known him years and trusted him. I can’t explain it. But I know I’d never let a stranger babysit my child. I don’t go out for a start anymore. It was just a spur of the moment thing that he had offered and I had to go to work.
Anyway yes thanks to a poster for commenting that, I do have my own house and he was living with his cousin at the time then moved in and I was pregnant a few months later.
Don’t think it was because he wanted too mooch off me. He works a full time well paid job now and has his own car, we’re also looking to get a mortgage.
I just want to get those women out of my head, I now know I was being stupid. It just felt like to me if he had liked me so much at the start and only wanted me he wouldn’t of risked it by sleeping with those women and especially not someone I know!

OP posts:
Hesafriendfromwork · 18/10/2019 14:25

What on earth?

So firstly, you refused to be in a relationship with him. But wanted him to act like your boyfriend and a baby sitter. And now pissed off because he took you at your word about no relationship. So basically you just wanted to keep him dangling, doing stuff for you.

You then let someone you barely know look after your child

You stayed with him knowing he wasnt seeing his own child.

But then went on and got pregnant to hom anyway and now moaning.

You tried to play games with him. He didnt work. He shagged other people, which he was entitled to do.

But also you need to up your standards. Dont let people you hardly know babysit your kids and dont have kids with someone if you are happy about what they did years ago.

How you can love and/or respect this man when he didnt bother with his own child is beyond me.

Whattodoabout · 18/10/2019 14:27

Eurgh, he sounds like such a catch Hmm.

You let him care for your child before you were even officially an item so when you barely knew him. He’s cheated on you a few times and got another woman pregnant just before he met you then ignored her for the first year of his child’s life? Nice fella.

Not really sure why you chose to have a child with him but hey ho.

Hesafriendfromwork · 18/10/2019 14:27

I just want to get those women out of my head, I now know I was being stupid. It just felt like to me if he had liked me so much at the start and only wanted me he wouldn’t of risked it by sleeping with those women and especially not someone I know!

That's just fucking with someones head

'I dont want to be in a relationship with you. But you must still focus on only me and keep trying to win me over, while I tell you ita not going to happen'

Thetruth02 · 18/10/2019 14:28

@Whattodoabout yes but he has his own car

dontgobaconmyheart · 18/10/2019 14:31

It's not cheating if you weren't together OP, but I assume it stings because we all like to thing that ( especially at the start) they only have eyes for us- obviously its a kick to discover that that isn't the case.

As an aside he sounds like he has been flaky from the off, and is no catch, why is he getting various women pregnant that he isn't in a relationship with? shagging around without a care for sexual health isn't a good look is it. I hope you've had a sexual health test at the start because he sounds grim.

He didn't see his child for a year? does he pay maintenance for his children?

I would not leave a child of mine alone with a man i'd just met OP that could have been very dangerous indeed. Tenuous links to family don't make it legitimate.

GhostHoward · 18/10/2019 14:35

YABU to have someone you hardly know look after your child, for having another child with someone who wouldn’t see his other child for a FULL YEAR because he “couldn’t get his head around it” and for defending his reasons for not seeing said child. ...to top it off you decided to have a child with this man.

Him sleeping with someone when you’re not together is neither here nor there, him getting her pregnant or not. Not sure why you think he’s more likely to cheat because of that...?

Does he pay maintenance for his previous child...and has he always done so?

TheMustressMhor · 18/10/2019 14:40

Does he pay maintenance for his child? You've been asked countless times and have failed to respond.

I'd bet my bottom dollar that he pays nothing whatsoever.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 18/10/2019 14:40

Er, he's not a lovely man. Lovely men don't abandon their children because they "can't handle it." He's a piece of shit.

And as for you having him look after your dd when you barely knew him because you were "stuck" for childcare, I have no words. I'm a single mother and that kind of irresponsible behaviour is exactly why we get such a bad rep.

Original poster
Mainsode21 · 18/10/2019 14:46

Yes he pays child maintenance.
I’m going to admit something and I know I’m going to get so much shit for it but before I was pregnant the other mother asked for money and he refused. I talked him round and he gave her a bit but she went through the proper channels and he just now pays the maintenance he has to.
I’ve told him to open an account for his other daughter and he just keeps saying he is going to get round to it.
From all the comments I think I’ve been a blinded fool.

OP posts:
TheMustressMhor · 18/10/2019 14:48

Oh.

So despite the fact that he's a lovely man and has a big car, he doesn't see the necessity for paying for his other two children.

Nice.

Prepare for single-parenthood with no financial support, OP.

Original poster
Mainsode21 · 18/10/2019 14:49

He has one other child.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mainsode21 · 18/10/2019 14:50

And a child with me.

OP posts:
TheMustressMhor · 18/10/2019 14:50

I'm sorry, OP. He's living with you because it's convenient for him.

Where was he living before he moved in with you?

I'm going to guess it was at his parents' house.

Original poster
Mainsode21 · 18/10/2019 14:51

I didn’t mean it in oh he’s got a big nice car.
I mean it in he has got his shit together a bit from how he was in the beginning of our relationship.
He had lost his job couldn’t drive and wasn’t seeing his other daughter. I was just saying he has improved a lot.

OP posts:
TheMustressMhor · 18/10/2019 14:51

From all the comments I think I’ve been a blinded fool.

Yes.

SuperMeerkat · 18/10/2019 14:51

I don’t think you are unreasonable to be upset, especially about the pregnant woman. However, if you haven’t had
The Chat then he’s free to do as he pleases. In his eyes he may well just have been seeing you as a casual shag at that time (to put it bluntly)

Original poster
Mainsode21 · 18/10/2019 14:52

He was living with a cousin.
Before that he had lived with his dad.
Not sure what it has to do with my original post though as now it’s a different situation he’s in.

OP posts:
BlastEndedSkrewt · 18/10/2019 14:53

I have never had an "exclusive" conversation in my life!

Neither have I - it wasn't a thing when me & DH got together, times are different now

But no, I don't think he's cheated if you were just talking but it would be hurtful

TheMustressMhor · 18/10/2019 14:53

I was just saying he has improved a lot.

In what way? He has one child for whom he pays nothing at all - he is going to get round to it, according to you.

And he wouldn't be paying anything for the second child if the girl's mother hadn't made him do so.

Bluntness100 · 18/10/2019 14:53

Op, you're not coming over well, it sounds like you were stringing this man along, you knew he fancied you so used him for child care, jumped at it, and used him for over night too, when you hardly knew him, and now bizzarely think he should have been faithful to you from the moment he showed interest and not from when you entered a relationship.

It's so demanding and not ok. He was single, and single people can have sex with whom they chose.

If he's not been unfaithful from when you entered a relationship then the fact he had sex with women before you did, is really none of your business.

littlepaddypaws · 18/10/2019 14:53

pays for dc because he has to, that's decent of him Confused,
you do realise he's going to do the same to you and your dc but there might not be anyone telling him he's got to pay for your dc.
bin him to the kerb, he really is playing you and we think deep down you know that.