To change my child's surname

[indecis]

For context:

I'm separated, due to be divorced from my STBXH with whom I have a DD (3). Both of us have moved on, it's all fairly amicable etc. I'm pregnant with my new partner, due next year and am trying to decide what best to do about surnames! I and my DD currently have my STBXH's surname. Ideally I'd like to have the same surname as both of my children, and at least the same as one of them.

The options I'm considering are:

1. Revert to my maiden name, change my DD's name by deed poll and give my surname to the baby. I and the children all have the same surname.
2. Keep my married name, keep my DD's name the same and give my partner's surname to the baby. I and my DD share a surname, my partner and the baby share a surname.

My STBXH has agreed to me changing my DD's name if I decide it's best. My partner would prefer the baby to have his name but would accept it not being. Just to be clear - I have no plans to take my partner's name if we got married in the future so wouldn't be changing anyone's name again!

Help! I genuinely don't know what to do for the best. On one hand I don't want to change my DD's name for no good reason, on the other hand I want both children to have the same name. My DD starts school in September so if I'm going to do it, it's probably the best timing.

AIBU to change my DD's name?

1. Revert to my maiden name, change my DD's name by deed poll and give my surname to the baby. I and the children all have the same surname.

This is what I would do.

Honestly, as someone whose mum changed my surname several times, I would leave her surname alone.

That's her surname. It's her name, would you be ok with someone just changing your because they want to?

Well if your ex is okay with it I don't see why you shouldn't revert to your maiden name and give both children your maiden name as surnames :)

The alternative would be to double barrel your current and maiden name and do the same for your daughter, then the new baby can double barrel with yours and your partner's surname. The kids would have slightly different names but be connected by one surname.

Leave it if all is amicable with her dad

100% Option 1

1. Change to your maiden name and have this name for both your DDs.

I would either leave her surname alone, or if you must the double barrel it.

People chopping and changing their kids names annoys me. You wouldn’t dream of changing her first name at 4 so you shouldn’t be playing with her surname just because it suits you.

Add your name onto hers and let her keep her name

You can then make a decision either to give the new baby your maiden name or double barrel

Hesafriendfromwork - no, I wouldn't be ok with it which is why I'm undecided! My reason for considering it is for both children to have the same name, in my mind that would make them feel more bonded, my DD to feel less left out of what she may see as the "new family" and school etc to be easier. I could be completely overthinking it of course!

Damntheman - I have asked STBXH and his answer was he hates the idea of a double barrel.

Option 1 as it's all better to have the same and don't give your 2nd child a different surname. All use your maiden name.

Option 1 if you must change it.

@indecis if it helps in any way there are 6 kids in my house. Ds1 has DH’s name and his late mother’s name double barrelled. My 2 girls have their dads name. Our youngest three have DHs name. I’m their mum. It doesn’t affect their bonds with each other (and the only time they were affected was when I had a wobble about names). And it doesn’t make school anymore difficult because they are used to different names

My reason for considering it is for both children to have the same name, in my mind that would make them feel more bonded, my DD to feel less left out of what she may see as the "new family" and school etc to be easier. I could be completely overthinking it of course

I think that's over thinking you could will feel part of the family if she is treated like one.

Also the bond between the children will be form before they really understand surnames.

As you said you wouldnt like someone changing your name, not sure why you would do it to a child because you want to.

And this is more about your wants, than anything else. Theres so much more to family than surnames.

1. Change to your maiden name and have this name for both your DDs.

I think this would be best - but could you do something like give the children a middle name that reflects their father?

So
Daughter Dad#1surname Yourname
Baby Dad#2surname Yourname

Not actually double barreling so it doesn't have to show up in general usage but still reflecting their parentage so it's there on a passport or exam certificates etc.

I think Option 1and it isn't an issue, since you are not planning on "chopping and changing", but changing yours and dd1's once. I wouldn't think much of a parent who did it a few times, and to an older child. Your dd is only young, presumably not in school yet if she's three, so it's the ideal time to do it.

Leave it alone. She will be no less your child with her fathers surname. I can just about understand people who want to change their DC names where there has been some serious abuse, but just because you are divorcing? No.

OP this comes across as being more for you than your DD, there is no way you can affect the potential bond by changing her surname!

I changed my own name in my late teens, this could be an option for your DD if she wants to do that or if she expresses an opinion herself later on.

As a PP said about people who change children's surnames, it is the prospect of it happening more than once which is an issue (or if you break up with the person who you've changed it to, as has happened to one of my DD's friends!) so if you really are going to change it then pick your maiden name.

My reason for considering it is for both children to have the same name, in my mind that would make them feel more bonded, my DD to feel less left out of what she may see as the "new family" and school etc to be easier.

Bonding and inclusion are not built on a name.

I’d leave her surname but revert to my maiden name and unborn would take that name.

That way both of them have taken your name when you gave birth.

It would definitely only be once, I don't think it's a decision to be taken lightly. For the people saying it's more for me then it quite possibly is a subconscious selfish desire and I just haven't realised. It's the reason I asked on here - to get a completely unbiased opinion as I only want to do what's best for my DD and the baby when she arrives.

Just remember if you are changing your eldest daughters name you are subjecting her to a life of explaining and proving the name change. It's a hassle and something she'll have to deal with for many years to come. This bonding business only becomes an issue if you make it one.

I'd leave her name as it is.
Between my siblings and I, we have 5 different surnames (I know - none of the girls are even married yet) and it didn't affect us 'bonding'.

Your ExH definitely wouldn't be happy with her taking DP's name, surely?
Your maiden name just isn't her name.

If it was me, as DD is only 3yrs I'd change hers and my surname to an entirely new name and use the same new surname for new D.C.

Everyone gets a fresh start. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Would you consider double barred names therefor you name is in there

So Name Your name- (ex)partners name (or reverse)

I.e
Helen Jones- Smith

John Jones- Roberts

Ideally I'd like to have the same surname as both of my children, and at least the same as one of them.

This is a but strange, tbh. I can understand you wanting the same surname as your children, as it's so much less hassle in general with a lot of the bureaucracy, but the 'at least one' comment makes it sound more like a problem with your identity than with practical arrangements.

Your children will bond with each other and feel part of the family if that's how they're treated, regardless of name. And it's important that they understand who their fathers are as well as what family arrangement they currently live in.

Double-barrelled for everyone really sounds like the best option, but if dd's dad is dead against that and it's not going to happen then I'd say it would be much much better for you to have the same surname as neither of your children than of just one. i.e. you revert to your maiden name, leave dd's name as it is, and new child(ren) take their dad's name. Or, you revert to maiden name, dd takes your maiden name, and new child(ren) also take your maiden name. Absolutely do not split the children up so that 'at least one' of them shares a name with you.