To change my child's surname

[indecis]

For context:

I'm separated, due to be divorced from my STBXH with whom I have a DD (3). Both of us have moved on, it's all fairly amicable etc. I'm pregnant with my new partner, due next year and am trying to decide what best to do about surnames! I and my DD currently have my STBXH's surname. Ideally I'd like to have the same surname as both of my children, and at least the same as one of them.

The options I'm considering are:

1. Revert to my maiden name, change my DD's name by deed poll and give my surname to the baby. I and the children all have the same surname.
2. Keep my married name, keep my DD's name the same and give my partner's surname to the baby. I and my DD share a surname, my partner and the baby share a surname.

My STBXH has agreed to me changing my DD's name if I decide it's best. My partner would prefer the baby to have his name but would accept it not being. Just to be clear - I have no plans to take my partner's name if we got married in the future so wouldn't be changing anyone's name again!

Help! I genuinely don't know what to do for the best. On one hand I don't want to change my DD's name for no good reason, on the other hand I want both children to have the same name. My DD starts school in September so if I'm going to do it, it's probably the best timing.

AIBU to change my DD's name?

e.g

100% Change your name and both DDs names to your maiden name.
if your DP wants to have the same name as his DD he can take your maiden name too.

My small changed my name to hers from me dads and I would have loved to be the same as him and my brothers from his first marriage.

@ArnoldBee who would I need to explain to / prove? I'm completely clueless as have only ever changed a name when it was mine from maiden to married and once forms were done it's just a case of previously known by on a form every once in a while. If it's going to be complicated for my DD later down the line that's definitely a consideration!

@AmIThough no, he wouldn't be happy with that, it'd be his name or my maiden name. I wouldn't be intending to take my partner's name even if we got married so it'd never be a consideration.

@Batcrazy101 I would consider it, my ex has refused. He'd prefer her to have my name than double barrelled.

@Fink I meant in terms of bureaucracy as I can only imagine if I have one name, my DD has another and my unborn has yet another that planning anything / forms etc become a logistical nightmare. However, my preference would become irrelevant compared to what's best for them. Out of interest, why would you say better to have the same name as neither than as one?

@Zeldasmagicwand

If it was me, as DD is only 3yrs I'd change hers and my surname to an entirely new name and use the same new surname for new D.C.

Everyone gets a fresh start

And when they split up? All change again?

@puppyconfetti How do you 'split up' from being their mother? I'm not talking about random partners but a mum and her children sharing the same surname. The partner can keep his surname.

Have you never had to show your marriage certificate to prove your name change OP - you've been lucky! I've had to show my deed poll before marriage and my marriage certificate afterwards.

Also, what if her dad has any more children and they have his name? You do seem a bit focused on having your children with the same name but what about his?

I would revert to my maiden name and double barrel both kids names with their respective fathers.

You want both children to have the same name, but they have different fathers. I think it's perfectly normal for children to have different names in these circumstances. If I was a child, I wouldnt want anyone messing with my surname, that's for the child to decide, when they are older.

Everytime your daughter fills in a form and asks any previous names has been known by for the rest of her life. She will also require official documentation for things such as her passport, job applications etc. What name will she use for her qualifications? It can be done it's just causing extra work for her on a decision made by you when she was 4!

I think you're over thinking the sibling thing. What if her dad has more children? I think you're future proof I. For a non issue.

Change to your maiden name and have this name for both your DDs.

I think this would be best - but could you do something like give the children a middle name that reflects their father?

^This.

And have a middle name for the new baby that reflects its father.

Leave the poor kid's names alone.

I'd leave your daughter's name alone as it's part of her identity and then double barrel your new baby's name to your current name and your current partner's name.

It is worth considering though that in many cultures women keep their maiden name and do have a different surname from their kids. In some cultures male children have a different surname from their female siblings. They all feel like a family regardless.

I actually disagree with most people here. My mum remarried and took my stepdads name, and my half sister obv had that name too. I was the odd one out in my family (I had my dads last name but only saw him EoW so it wasn’t the same) and it really bothered me. I had to explain it all the time and I felt sad to be different from my sister. I changed my name to match theirs when I was 20.

If your DD is going to be primarily living with you, I would change it.

I'm a bit confused to be honest.

Here is a problem which has been created by one thing only - the ridiculous preference given to make surnames, to the extent that children of parents who don't share a surname/aren't married are almost always given the surname of the parent they are unlikely to live with full time if the parents split, instead of the surname of the person who is about 95% likely to be the primary carer.

You're really lucky that your STBXH is willing for you to change your DD's name to yours, and your option 1 also future-proofs this situation so that if it did transpire that you unfortunately split up with the dad of your second baby, you wouldn't have the same problem.

Your surname for both, both babies then have the same name as each other and the same name as their UNDOUBTED primary carer and shared parent. Both children also equal in sense of sharing the same surname from the same parent, with no potential difficulties with one being seen as more 'your family' in terms of wider relatives etc. Perfect really. And equal.

And yet, and yet, that idea that SOMEHOW the name of the man is the name that SHOULD be used is still there, even when you've already seen the potential for it causing problems, to the extent that you're already looking for more complex, worse options which don't answer your questions... but hey, it means the DAD'S SURNAME IS USED

It's so obvious. You give your children your surname. You aren't married so traditionally it is the surname they should have anyway.

Yes I'd probably add the father's family names to each child's name as a middle name, if the fathers wanted that.

@ChicCroissant I've only ever needed my marriage certificate to change driving license, bank etc straight after marriage but not since! He doesn't want any more children and his partner apparently can't have them so it's (rightly or wrongly) not something I've factored in, nor something he's raised as an issue.

@Babynut1 my ex is adamant he would rather DD have my name than a double barrel.

My DD has a double barrel of my maiden name and DH's name.

I have my ex-DH's surname because when we got divorced I literally just made it in a career where surname is important and being known by it is important. So it stayed.

Pressed sent too quickly

Basically it works because we make it work. I do have to travel with birth cert but that's about it.

It's about how the child is treated, not what surname she's got.

And yet, and yet, that idea that SOMEHOW the name of the man is the name that SHOULD be used is still there, even when you've already seen the potential for it causing problems

Were the three year-old not already named, I'd agree with you. But the three year-old already has a name and it's been her name since birth regardless of whose it was before then. Seems unfair to change it now.

. You give your children your surname.

Well OP did. But she is changing her surname due to divorce. The child isn't getting a divorce.

You aren't married so traditionally it is the surname they should have anyway.

But OP was married when she named her child. The idea that you can simply take the name away and replace it with another upon divorce is odd.

@riotlady That's pretty much my concern with keeping her name as is. She does primarily live with me and I think unfortunately there's a good chance her dad will start to drift away as she gets older.

My mum changed my surname although not officially so that was a fun barrel of worms to unpick. I had my birth surname then my stepdad’s surname. I then got married and thought what the hell and changed it again because at least had a tangible claim to this new surname.

Names previously known by comes up more often then you’d imagine. DBS check, house buying, the wrong surname on a relative’s will...

I’d leave well alone!

That's pretty much my concern with keeping her name as is. She does primarily live with me and I think unfortunately there's a good chance her dad will start to drift away as she gets older.

Oh dear. Helping her build her relationship and cementing things with her dad would be a better train of thought than changing her name just in case he becomes less involved.

My children have my married name I am in now in my maiden.

Never causes an issue. The only time it's a potential problem is travel. In which case I have a letter from their father, divorce paper work, my name change paperwork and the marriage certificate.

Never been asked for it though.

I do get asked to provide my proof of name change, alot. That's a pain. But the kids having a different name is not.