To change my child's surname

[indecis]

For context:

I'm separated, due to be divorced from my STBXH with whom I have a DD (3). Both of us have moved on, it's all fairly amicable etc. I'm pregnant with my new partner, due next year and am trying to decide what best to do about surnames! I and my DD currently have my STBXH's surname. Ideally I'd like to have the same surname as both of my children, and at least the same as one of them.

The options I'm considering are:

1. Revert to my maiden name, change my DD's name by deed poll and give my surname to the baby. I and the children all have the same surname.
2. Keep my married name, keep my DD's name the same and give my partner's surname to the baby. I and my DD share a surname, my partner and the baby share a surname.

My STBXH has agreed to me changing my DD's name if I decide it's best. My partner would prefer the baby to have his name but would accept it not being. Just to be clear - I have no plans to take my partner's name if we got married in the future so wouldn't be changing anyone's name again!

Help! I genuinely don't know what to do for the best. On one hand I don't want to change my DD's name for no good reason, on the other hand I want both children to have the same name. My DD starts school in September so if I'm going to do it, it's probably the best timing.

AIBU to change my DD's name?

My mum changed my surname although not officially so that was a fun barrel of worms to unpick

Mine too

I had my birth name (parents married and all had dads name), step dads name, first husbands name, unofficially went back to my birth name and omg when I tried to get a passport after marrying a second time, what a nightmare that was!! Things were different years ago and you didn't need so much ID to get things. Now I have had this name longer than any other and will never change it

Revert to your birth name (‘maiden name’ is antiquated) and double barrel all future children’s names. Change existing children’s name to double barrelled as well.

I wish women thought of themselves as people in their own right instead of male possessions, and children should equally belong to both parents.

Does your DD know what her surname is? Will she feel disconnected from her dad if you change her surname?

I would definitely revert to your maiden name and change DD's name to that. I did this too - eldest was about 4 and none of them remember being known by their dad's surname now.

It will make things simpler and means you can always be consistent. And it's far easier to travel with the same surname as the children.

Plus, if things do turn sour with the ex for any reason (e.g. if he splits up with his partner and becomes jealous of your happy family), he might not be so willing to consent to changing DD's name to your surname in the future. So I'd definitely take the opportunity to change it while he's willing to consent.

I changed my first name when I was 14 (because my parents who I was removed from age 7 called me something really stupid) and it’s something I have to write on every form that has a “previous name” box so the other thing to consider is this - how will you explain to your DD that you decided to change her name after 3/4 years? Also how will she feel about that change?

And it's far easier to travel with the same surname as the children

I’ve been stopped just as often with my kids I share a name with as the ones without

It is becoming more common to be asked questions and for the kids to be asked when you travel. That’s to do with security rather than names

I wish women thought of themselves as people in their own right instead of male possessions,

Hmm, I have never thought of myself as a possession.

and children should equally belong to both parents.

Which is why the OP should not change her child's name because she is divorcing their father. When OP named her child she was happy for said child to have their fathers name. The only thing that has changed is the relationship status. If children are equally both parents, why does the divorce mean the mother can take away the fathers name?

I’ve been stopped just as often with my kids I share a name with as the ones without

Me too. The only time I have ever been stopped was when I was still married and travelling with my husband and 2 dc.

Give them both your name if you are going to be the main family unit. It is less complicated if everyone has the same name.

People make assumptions based on the most common situations. They shouldn't but they do. Make life as easy as possible.

I’ve been stopped just as often with my kids I share a name with as the ones without

Me too actually, dh had left the passport queue to go to the toilet and I got to the front with the kids before he got back.

How about:

1. Keep your married name, keep your DD's name the same, and give your unborn child your current name?

It's not just your STBXH's name - it's YOUR name now. It's presumably the only name your new partner has known you by. It's really common for divorced mothers to keep their name so as to have the same name as their children. It's only your ex's name in the same way that your maiden name was your father's name. This way you and all your children would have the same name as each other. You could give your unborn child their father's name as a middle name. That's what I would do.

Your daughter has her name. If you want your new family to have the same name why can't your new partner change his name on marriage? He's the grown up who can understand the implications of changing a name, whereas your daughter will have to show her deed poll every time she has to show her birth certificate during her life

I would leave it as it is. I have never changed my surname but apparently you have to bring proof of any previous surnames for official things so if DD were to get married and take her partners name it will be 2 previous names she has to declare along with her new surname.

You have a 3rd option. Give new baby the same surname as DD.
I married when younger and changed my surname. Had 2 children. Divorced and kept surname as same as DC , known in my career, known in area all with this name. This was my legal name and did not belong to ExH in my opinion. Fast forward 10 years and I had baby with new partner. Baby was given my surname ( ie my married surname so same as first two DC).
May be different to your case as my DC were older and already in school and already knew their surname. I would never have reverted to my maiden name for any amount of money due to an abusive father . Also - new partner was what mumsnet refers to as a cocklodger, who has since left, and pays no maintenance whatsoever. I knew this deep down at the time so didn’t want to be left as a single mum with just 1 DC with a different name. A name is a name and it means that all of us in our little nuclear family have the same surname.

I don’t think it matters having different names.. My dd has my maiden name, Ds1 has my first married name, and ds2 has my second married name. And I still use the same name as ds2 even though me and his dad split up. It’s never caused an issue with travel or anything, and they don’t have to stress about previous names on forms and stuff.

I think you’re lucky that your ex will agree to you changing the name (my ex is absent and doesn’t see my dd at all but still refuses to allow me to change her surname ) so I would go with that option and do it now before your dc starts school so it’s easier and they don’t get use to being known as that surname.

@indecis, I said better neither than one as:

a) for bureaucracy it will make no difference. If you have to go through all the trouble of not having the same surname as 1 child (which isn't, in reality, that much trouble nowadays, but it can still be a bit of a faff), then you're not saving yourself any time or effort having to do that for 2 children than for 1.

b) emotionally think how it might look to the yet unborn child, and any future children. They all have a dad, albeit not the same dad as your first dd, and they all have a mum (you). So why does she get treated like the special one who shares your name just because her dad is not resident? It makes it look like you favour her over the younger children. Even more setting her apart from the rest of the family, whether it's as the special one or the outcast.

c) regardless of what level of contact dd has with her dad in the future, it's her name. It doesn't have to be his name, it's just as much hers since she was born with it.

Personally, I would push the issue of a double-barrelled name for everyone a bit more with ex. Unless there's some good reason he hates it (like it's actually a really bad combination of names).

Definitely option 1. She's only three she'll know no different, and as it's your maiden name it won't need to be changed again regardless of what happens in the future. It's a win-win.

I do think it's best if your DC have the same name. I too would worry about DD feeling left out etc. I think it's a good idea to change it now while you can.

Definitely option 1. She's only three she'll know no different

Except when she has to produce her deed poll with her birth certificate for every form she fills out in adulthood and fill in the change of name section.

Except when she has to produce her deed poll with her birth certificate for every form she fills out in adulthood and fill in the change of name section.

I changed my name by deed poll and this barely ever happens? Obviously I had to produce it a lot immediately after the change to get my driving license etc updated but since then I hardly ever get it out. Most things you need ID for are happy with driving license/passport, it’s rare to need a birth certificate. It seems pointless to base a decision on “we’ll it’ll be mildly inconvenient if you ever apply for a mortgage”.

I grew up in a house with 4 other people (my mum, my "other" dad ,and half brothers ) , i had a different surname to the one they all shared. I basically felt like an outsider, it was horrible.

(For what it's worth my other dad raised me since I was 2)

I do not understand why you feel changing you daughters name is so important in developing a bond with your new partner but do not feel it will effect the bond with her Dad

If the name will effect the bonding then why is the bond with her Dad not important?

I personally believe in - A rose by any other name is still a rose - names do not matter.

I would stay as you are or change to you maiden name.