To still feel sad about never having another baby?

[QueenofmyPrinces]

I have two wonderful sons aged 5 and 2.

Originally we had decided to only have one child but I then went on to desperately want another and after a year or so of discussions about it my husband finally agreed to TTC for #2.

We conceived our first son on one cycle but our second son took 12 months to conceive and included an early miscarriage at 8 weeks.

After the second child my DH said that was it, no more babies, and I accepted that and considered myself lucky to have convinced him to have a second.

Anyhow - as time passed I started getting a craving for another baby, started making light hearted comments to DH about it who unsurprisingly laughed it off. I didn’t take him too seriously though and joked that I had changed his mind once so whose to say I couldn’t do it again. He would laugh again but then not really say much more.

As we had more conversations about it and DH could sense that my feeling were genuine, I asked him why he still hadn’t had the vasectomy done that he’d been saying for ages that he’d get. I explained that his not getting it done was giving me false hope that maybe the option for another child was there. He then went and booked a vasectomy which he had done about 4 months ago.

I was upset but at the same time I felt like maybe I could move on from the issue because now I knew there was no chance of having another baby.

However, 4 months down the line and I still feel sad. A lot of my work colleagues are pregnant and although I’m happy for them I find myself getting inwardly emotional when I see them touching their bumps and talking about their baby kicking etc.

I find myself going on the Conception Boards so I can look at pictures being posted of people’s “second lines” and their excitement takes me straight back to how overjoyed I felt when I got my second lines and then I just feel sad again because I won’t get to experience that feeling ever again.

I’m the same when I look at photos from when I was pregnant - I just feel a bit low about the fact I won’t ever get to do it again.

I know how lucky I am to have my sons but I still can’t shake these feelings of sadness I have sometimes.

I meet women with children and when talking about having another baby they laugh and say, “No way, I’m DONE!” and they clearly mean it. Generally people say that women “just know” when they’re finished having children, but I don’t feel like that at all. I definitely don’t feel done but I have to be.

Maybe I’m just feeling this way because the decision to have another was taken out of my hands. I don’t know.

Has anyone else ever felt like this?

I’m definitely happy to be told to “give my head a wobble” (even though I don’t know exactly what that means) because I don’t like feeling like this.

We're definitely done with our 2 but I still get incredibly broody and jealous of anyone who's pregnant. I often read back over the WhatsApp conversations I was having with my friends when I was in labour and straight after delivery. I had lovely births and really enjoyed the first days with a newborn, it's such an exciting time. Logically there is no reason to have another, it would take attention and money away from the 2 that we have. I feel it would be a very selfish thing to do. It doesn't stop the longing though. I think it's pretty normal. The urge to procreate is important to our survival as a species.

I genuinely think you would benefit from counseling. You can't help how you feel, but it seems to me that your focus is very much on this hypothetical third pregnancy and baby. It's really not healthy to be stuck in the "what if", and as you describe it, it affects how you view your husband.
I think it might be used for you to explore why you feel how you feel and how you can handle those feelings. Fully enjoying the family you have instead of fixating on the family you don't have would make you much, much happier, but that mental switch is easier said than done.
I hope you manage to work through this and feel genuinely content soon.

I completely appreciate how you feel OP but i did click YABU. You have your DP and two healthy sons where many people would love a partner and just one child and they dont. I think it's okay to feel a little pang but appreciate what you have. Also not trying to go all Chinese government on you but I think two kids is a nice number to have. Theres a climate emergency happening. Personally I think we dont need more people in this world. Two is enough

I know how it feels to not feel “done” but you do need to stop dwelling on this and focusing on the children you do have. What do you think a third baby would give you that your other two haven’t? Your post talks mainly about being pregnant, not being a parent - maybe try to unpick what part of the process you’re actually broody for.

I feel like this now and my 3rd is only 6 months old!! It's almost like once you know you definitely won't have another (we are not in a position to have 4, life is already complete chaos!), a type of grief kicks in. I don't think it's unreasonable to feel like this, I have a lot of friends who have felt the same. The important distinction to make is between wanting another baby and wanting another child. Being pregnant, giving birth and being in that lovely new baby bubble is a very specific (and shortlived) period in a woman's life. It is hard to accept the thought of never going through that again if you loved it first time around (I still get butterflies in my stomach when I think about my labours and those wonderful first few days at home with all 3 of my DDs). But that is a very different thing to wanting another child. Looking after 3 little ones is tough! Ask yourself if it's just the idea of never being pregnant and having a tiny baby again that makes you sad or if you really want another child to join your family. If it's the former, and I suspect it is, then just know this; even if you had your 3rd baby, you'd feel exactly the same a year down the line, and then what? I think it's just part of the process. I think you just need to comfort yourself with the memories of the wonderful experiences you had with your boys and remind yourself of that saying "don't be sad that it's over. Smile because it happened".

Being broody isn’t a good enough reason by itself to produce another human. Too many people have children to satisfy the urge without thinking it through logically!!

Enjoy the two you have!!

Yes. Every single day. Both me and two children nearly lost our lives. The doctors said they thought I could do it again. But I had a strong chance of dying and did I want to leave my children without w mother. That was his exact words

I wanted more. I always did. I still do. I often wonder what would happen. But I am so scared of the dr being true. My children are my life and I could t risk it for my selfish reasons.

But yes. Yes yes. I would do it again in a heartbeat. As would my husband. So I am totally with you on that.

To edit. My kids are wonderful. Like amazing. I’m so proud. I hate the baby stage. So for me. It’s making another one of amazing. That makes us smile each day.

We could easily afford more too.

I can’t risk it though. I can’t risk my life. For someone who isn’t here. My kids need a mother and the chance I might die is 80-85%.

I know how you feel, I went through some of those feeling but OTOH I remember the faint sparkle of excitement that as I was done having babies, I could start enjoying my body for myself again. I personally found upping my own health focus along with self-care (clothes, weight, hair, nails) helped me over it and gave me something to focus on other than other people's pgs and forthcoming babies. I actually feel ambivalent or have sympathy for pg women now - all I can think of is the piles, the heartburn, the lifting and wrangling of toddlers and buggies whilst completely exhausted and the sheer inconvenience of having a giant bump to lug around all day long. And I really loved my pgs too, but I'm definitely over it now.

I think you're being a teensy-weensy bit self-indulgent. You have a husband and two healthy children. Be grateful.

Maybe go and do some volunteering instead of contributing to the world's over-population problems.

Nope. I have 1 and that's enough for
me. I don't want anymore. Ever.

You're incredibly lucky. Be grateful.

Ah bless you. We wanted three too. Then DH went and got bloody cancer just as we were about to start thinking about #3, then as we knew he was terminal, it just wouldn’t have been fair to break another heart. Two on my own is more than I can manage some days now but I still sometimes wish we'd had our third before DH got sick.

YANBU but try to count your blessings - I make myself do this and my DH is dead so I bet you can drum some quality blessings up

I'm in this right now. My DP really doesn't want another child; we originally planned to have two but he found baby one too hard, he doesn't want to do it again and he thinks it would break our relationship. He isn't saying no as such, he can't any more than I can insist yes but he doesn't want to, has felt his way for at least 6 months, and I don't think his feelings will change. I am trying to work out whether our relationship will survive the bitterness I will feel if I don't have another because he didn't want one. But I wouldn't have another with anyone else because I don't want to bring a stepfather into my DD's life, and I wouldn't want to go it alone as then one of my children would have a relationship with her father and the other would have no father. So whatever I do, bottom line is no more babies. I am totally devastated even writing that which is ridiculous as I have a nice life and a completely amazing, brilliant and wonderful DD who fills my life with joy. I just don't understand how anyone could be unwilling to go though a couple of tough years for more of that wonderfulness.

I have two DC. I brought them up alone. The F (sperm donor) was a complete waste of breath. The DC are grown up now and they have both chosen very different routes through life than their past would have indicated. They are extremely nasty having chosen their way of life. (I don't know why they have chosen this)
I have now met someone who also has DC. I know the background to his life. His DC are adults. I have noticed how he makes clear the level of conduct he expects from them and they are pleasant folks.
Recently a close relative of his had a baby, and I am so sad that I can never have any more DC. I am also aware that we are far too old even if it was possible. I think I cried for months because I see how families can be so supportive of a new mum and how even male relatives can step up. My own DF and DM were very good to me and my DC but this has brought it out how much of a dreadful person my ex was and how life could have been with a decent partner.
I am getting over it now but I was shocked at how badly this affected me, even though I know I cant and that my previous experiences of child birth were not pleasant.

I wanted two very much. We tried for a long time, but several miscarriages, a molar pregnancy, a blood transfusion or three.... we have given up. One it is.

I feel the same as you- but oddly jealous of you because you have two.

I think we all, in a similar position, feel
It. Realisation that we are finished, but not yet acceptance.

I don’t know what you do about it, but you are not alone.

Two kids and a husband, who has already conceded to a child he originally didn’t want? Be grateful for what you have.

Even one child would have been a dream come true for me, I couldn’t have any. But I do have a good life as do you. Stop focusing on what you don’t have.

Comparison is the thief of joy. What if you'd had a third, then decided you wanted a fourth? There's that family with over sixteen kids on documentaries- clearly for some people the urge never goes away, there's no magic number where they feel 'done'. Also, there was a woman on here the other day whose third labour resulted in massive damage leading to permanent incontinence, despite easy labours the first two times. And by stopping at two you've helped the environment. I think you should keep reminding yourself of what you do have and of the logical reasons not to have another.

Thank you everyone for all your messages and thoughts.

Thefurminator - your situation is near identical to what happened with me and my husband. Our first baby was incredibly difficult and it pushed our marriage to its absolute limits which is why my husband was very against having another. It took about 12 months of discussions before he finally agree we could TTC again and to be honest, I’m not sure I would ever have been able to look at him the same way if he hadn’t changed his mind and I think the upset, anger and bitterness would have ultimately taken its toll on our marriage.

joerev - what a horrible situation for you, it must be awful to feel like the decision has been taken away from you. I have a few health problems which can cause problems to me and the baby during pregnancy and my family were very unsure about me being pregnant. The first pregnancy was a bit rough and I was off sick from 19 weeks pregnant but me and baby my came out of it all ok and me and DH counted our blessings. One of the reasons we had initially agreed to only have one was because I didn’t want to risk my health again when I already had a child who needed me fit and healthy. When I then went on to express my desire to have another baby my DH and family were very concerned about the risks I would be taking, and although I understood their perspectives, the risks in my eyes were outweighed by the thought of having another baby. My situation was never about me losing my life though, so not comparable to you in terms of severity, but I do understand how conflicted you can feel when you know that getting pregnant is not a good idea for your health but at the same time still really want a baby. I hope you somehow manage to come to terms with the decision you’ve made (or had to make) though I’m sure it won’t be easy for you

UnaCorda - I already do volunteer. I’m not sure why that’s supposed to make someone not want a baby?!

Don’t get me wrong, I loved being pregnant, it was absolutely magical, from getting that positive test until holding my baby in my arms...it really is and felt like a miracle...but it’s not just that.

When I see my children playing together and see how special their relationship is and how much they love each other it makes my heart burst. They simply adore each other and I can’t help but imagine how wonderful it would be to add another child into our family and just watch all the love grow even more. My sons are everything to me, I love them so much, my husband is an amazing father and my sons love each other so much too and it all just feels so perfect at times, so my heart keeps telling me that having another baby will make things even more perfect. I know that’s a very simplistic view, a naive view, and a poor reason to want another baby, but it’s the situation I find myself in.

I clicked on YABU but you do have my sympathy, it must be hard to have a feeling that your family is incomplete. However, I think you are being unreasonable to not focus on and appreciate the family you do have. I know your life is not other people's, but there are lots of people out there who would desperately love to have what you do. You need to stop hanging around on the conception boards and obsessing over other people's pregnancies, don't waste the life you have pining over something you will never have. Also even if your DH had agreed to have a third it might not have happened anyway.

That is hard. Two is nice but a vasectomy does make it feel more final. Can I ask how old you are op?

They simply adore each other and I can’t help but imagine how wonderful it would be to add another child into our family and just watch all the love grow even more.

Your second would become a middle child and this is often very problematic for the kid involved. You also lose the 1:1 parent:child ratio, so it'd be a different kettle of fish.

YANBU to feel sad now but hopefully you won't always feel this way. I was in a similar position but with one extra child (DH and I had always agreed on two, then I convinced him to have a third, then I was broody for one more but he said no way). After a year or so of feeling broody the feeling went away completely and now I'm so glad we stopped! Three is more than enough!!

marsha - I am 36 and DH is 37.

When we were TTC number two my DH always said that 35 was his cut off age in terms of the latest age he’d want a baby at. When he agreed to TTC he said that if I wasn’t pregnant by the time he was 35 then we would stop trying.