To still feel sad about never having another baby?

[QueenofmyPrinces]

I have two wonderful sons aged 5 and 2.

Originally we had decided to only have one child but I then went on to desperately want another and after a year or so of discussions about it my husband finally agreed to TTC for #2.

We conceived our first son on one cycle but our second son took 12 months to conceive and included an early miscarriage at 8 weeks.

After the second child my DH said that was it, no more babies, and I accepted that and considered myself lucky to have convinced him to have a second.

Anyhow - as time passed I started getting a craving for another baby, started making light hearted comments to DH about it who unsurprisingly laughed it off. I didn’t take him too seriously though and joked that I had changed his mind once so whose to say I couldn’t do it again. He would laugh again but then not really say much more.

As we had more conversations about it and DH could sense that my feeling were genuine, I asked him why he still hadn’t had the vasectomy done that he’d been saying for ages that he’d get. I explained that his not getting it done was giving me false hope that maybe the option for another child was there. He then went and booked a vasectomy which he had done about 4 months ago.

I was upset but at the same time I felt like maybe I could move on from the issue because now I knew there was no chance of having another baby.

However, 4 months down the line and I still feel sad. A lot of my work colleagues are pregnant and although I’m happy for them I find myself getting inwardly emotional when I see them touching their bumps and talking about their baby kicking etc.

I find myself going on the Conception Boards so I can look at pictures being posted of people’s “second lines” and their excitement takes me straight back to how overjoyed I felt when I got my second lines and then I just feel sad again because I won’t get to experience that feeling ever again.

I’m the same when I look at photos from when I was pregnant - I just feel a bit low about the fact I won’t ever get to do it again.

I know how lucky I am to have my sons but I still can’t shake these feelings of sadness I have sometimes.

I meet women with children and when talking about having another baby they laugh and say, “No way, I’m DONE!” and they clearly mean it. Generally people say that women “just know” when they’re finished having children, but I don’t feel like that at all. I definitely don’t feel done but I have to be.

Maybe I’m just feeling this way because the decision to have another was taken out of my hands. I don’t know.

Has anyone else ever felt like this?

I’m definitely happy to be told to “give my head a wobble” (even though I don’t know exactly what that means) because I don’t like feeling like this.

I feel for you because these are his rules. I know there’s no compromise when it comes to another baby but his rules have been imposed so I suspect that’s why it feels harder.

I’m not sure what the answer is but I’m not surprised you feel a bit wistful or sad.

I missed the part where your husband only wanted one, but was persuaded to have two. That was a massive compromise on his part, so I don't understand why you now think the decision to have a third was taken out of your hands way in a negative way - surely when he agreed to have the second you must have appreciated how much he was compromising for you?

I am so thankful he did agree to TTC #2 because at the time, the thought of never having a second was unbearable. I know I may sound a bit ungrateful on this thread but I’m really not because I am so happy I did get the second baby I so desperately wanted.

When I sit and think rationally and let my brain take over I know that having another baby wouldn’t be a good idea for a variety of reasons, but my heart is feeling something different....

Your husband comprised by having a second, he didn't have to. Be grateful for what you have.

When I sit and think rationally and let my brain take over I know that having another baby wouldn’t be a good idea for a variety of reasons, but my heart is feeling something different....

Let your brain take over then. It's usually the best thing to listen to anyway. It's not really your heart that wants another, it's more your endocrine system!

That aside, I do get why you feel this way and it's not unreasonable to feel the way you do. I found packing away the tiny baby clothes a bit sad with my first, even with the knowledge that I'm likely to use then again for a future baby. I know that when I have to get rid of them for good it will be very saddening. It's the end of an era and the last time you'll do something, an clear marker of the passage of time and something you really enjoyed but will never do again. It's ok to be sad about it, rational even. Just as long as you don't let that sadness ruin the present for you, because this is the last time your kids will be this age, too. Don't waste it ruminating on what, realistically, never could have been a reality for you in your current relationship. Take your time to be a little sad, then move on. Enjoy the present and look to the future.

*a clear marker, not an clear marker

@QueenofmyPrinces that's the problem really - he thinks having another baby would break our relationship,and in all fairness he has a good point - we did clash massively over parenting style and other things. But I can easily see not having another may also break us as I won't be able to get past it. By there's no way of warning him of this without it sounding like I'm issuing an ultimatum, which I'm not going to do.

I can see this ending with no-one getting what they need or want

I just don't understand how anyone could be unwilling to go though a couple of tough years for more of that wonderfulness.

Because some people are content with what they already have, instead of always thinking about "more" or "next". There's nothing wrong with that.

I do think YABU, because your children are still so tiny yet you’re so fixated on the idea of another. I would strongly urge therapy to try explore why that is, or you’ll spend the next however many years with one eye on the beautiful children already have and the other pining for a third. Your youngest is barely out of nappies, why is it the children you have already haven’t been enough for you?

Because even if you do have a third, whatever is causing you to feel the way you do right now will probably mean wanting a fourth and so on. It might never be enough.

You’ve been incredibly fortunate to have had two healthy children, for many people who want kids but can’t have them you’re already living the absolute dream.

When I sit and think rationally and let my brain take over I know that having another baby wouldn’t be a good idea for a variety of reasons, but my heart is feeling something different....

Then take some control of your thoughts, and your feelings will eventually follow.

Every time you get this urge, say out loud to yourself: ‘that’s us finished having kids, I can’t believe how lucky we are to have two gorgeous healthy children’

Write it down in your phone notes app. Write down what you have to be thankful for (your kids, the huge compromise your husband made in agreeing to a second when he was pretty set on just one, having come through pregnancy without any disabling health issues if that’s the case, what you love about your boys, write the fact that your husband has had a vasectomy so it’s not possible anyway!)

Spend some time reading infertility forums, not to gawk at anyone’s pain (just read), really try to understand what it’d have been like for you to have never had the chance to become a mum and imagine life without the two you have. It’ll give some perspective.

Do things to show your husband you love him and care about him, invest energy into your marriage and appreciating what you have.

Every day write down one thing you’re grateful for, it’s a cliche but it works. A third baby isn’t the thing that’s going to make you happy if you’re not already happy having two.

Feelings can be changed, if you take a bit of action.

Thefurminator - if it helps, the second time round and me and DH were so much more relaxed and we didn’t have any arguments despite things being awful between us after the first.

I think the reason having a baby takes such a toll on a relationship because it’s completely new to both of you, you’re both clueless, you’ve no idea how to parent and what one person thinks is a solution to a problem (dealing with an unsettled baby for example) the other parent wants to do things a different way. Me and my DH were at complete loggerheads whilst we learnt how to be parents, never mind the weight of responsibility and sleep deprivation a new baby brings.

However, by the time the second baby came along we already knew how to be parents, we knew each other’s parenting styles, we knew how to parent together and we knew such other’s strengths and weaknesses and most importantly, it wasn’t ‘new” to us this time around so that stress of “how on earth as we supposed to look after a baby” just isn’t there. We already knew what it meant to have other people within our relationship, we were already used to it not being “just us” and so we were much calmer, more relaxed and the new baby just settled into our lives. I actually think having a second baby made things even better between me and DH because that time around it was a real bonding experience for us because that time it didn’t feel scary and we knew we could rely on each other to get through any rough times because we had survived the first baby. Hand on heart, the way we dealt with the second baby arriving was the polar opposite to how it had been the first time.

Maybe you could try and speak to your husband again from that angle and try and reassure him?

I didn’t issue any ultimatums to my DH and I told him that if he didn’t want another baby than I would have to accept it because I can’t force him into it, but that I felt very sad about his decision. It got difficult at times because he was worried that I would always be resentful if he didn’t agree to a second but I said I didn’t want that to be a reason he agreed to it, I told him that if it did ever happen it would be because he wanted a baby too, not because he felt pressured into it.

It’s a really horrible dynamic to be in because you feel the exact opposite as each other about something so, so important.

447 - thank you for your message. It wasn’t the perfect balance of compassion alongside “give your head a wobble” advice.

It WAS the perfect balance!!

I have 4 DC and #4 was a big compromise for DH and with the agreement that there wouldn't be a #5.

For all the right reasons including medical ones I was sterilised when the youngest one was 5 and I sobbed so much the consultant nearly did operate! It's just a sadness at that chapter of your life ending it is final.

Now they are all teens we are both a bit wistful that the primary days are gone, but it's definitely rose tinted glasses. I don't think I ever would have truly felt "done" however many I had.

I don't think it's fair to say that the decision has been "taken out of your hands".That implies that your DH has all the power when in fact he has already Fathered a second baby he didn't want in order to make you happy. People on this thread have called that a "compromise" but I'd go as far as to say it's a huge sacrifice on his part.

You told him to get the vasectomy, because in your mind him not getting one was unfair to you as it was tantamount to "giving you false hope". But now that he's done as you asked you still feel hard done by and are questioning the future of the marriage as you "won't be able to get past" him not agreeing to a third baby.

Put yourself in his shoes, he had a second he didn't want to make you happy, then you decided you wanted a third- how could he be sure that if he capitulated you wouldn't then turn around and say you wanted a fourth? Or a fifth? It sounds as though your DH really couldn't win here, unless he were willing to keep Fathering an indeterminate number of babies he does not want which is too much to ask of anybody and certainly not fair to the DC.

I really believe it would be much better next time @QueenofmyPrinces. He is anxious that everything we learned parenting DD will be irrelevant when trying to do it all again with a toddler which he thinks will be a whole new ball game. Again I can't really argue with that, it will probably be hard in new and unknowable ways. Either way though, however bad it might be I just think it will be bad for a year or two then it will get easier! I know parenting older children has other challenges. But the intensity of the early years doesn't last forever... I feel like him saying he doesn't want to power through that to get to where we are now with DD is him tacitly saying he still doesn't enjoy her, wishes we'd never had her and doesn't feel like she improves his life. I know, again, that's irrational (and even if it's true, the answer is not having another!). So nothing helps really. Only accepting I will only ever have one baby helps. But because there's no reason other than him not wanting to (I'm young enough, I'm fertile enough, I can afford it, I desperately want it) it feels like "his fault". Which I fear is what is going to kill our relationship unless I can somehow turn my brain inside out and convince myself I don't separately want another child, a sibling for DD, more love.

Sorry though, I appreciate the kind words and advice when clearly you've got worries of your own! It's very hard and you have my sympathies.

Minister - when DH did agree to TTC #2 he did want another baby, he certainly didn’t do it just to keep me happy. I explained in my previous post that I had always said to him that I didn’t want him to agree to it just for my sake and that if we ever did go ahead it would be because he wanted another baby too.

Plus - where have I said I’m questioning the future of my relationship?! I have never said that.

Furminator - your sadness just radiates through your words and I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with these feelings, it must be incredibly hard for you

I have a friend who was reluctant but persuaded to have a second. Their second has a genetic disorder, is blind and will never live independently. My friend tells me all the time that he loves him but bitterly regrets having him. He constantly thinks about how their life would be if he stood firm. Having a baby is throwing the dice and you both really need to want to throw it and be prepared for what will happen if it doesn't go your way.

You’re welcome OP. Do you think any of the advice might help?

Having a baby is throwing the dice and you both really need to want to throw it and be prepared for what will happen if it doesn't go your way.

This is beautifully put. It really is. And I agree completely.

Yanbu, there's a sense of grief that comes with knowing you won't have any more children and a lot of women go through this. My sister cried going through her dd's baby clothes to donate them even though she willfully had decided not to have anymore. Take your time to heal op and give your children all the love you have. Hugs x

I feel exactly the same OP. I feel incredibly lucky to have 2 happy healthy children but still have a yearning for a third even though for practical, financial and environmental reasons I know it would be foolish. I also worry about the ‘middle child’ dynamic and if I’m honest about myself although I miss the pregnancy / birth / newborn bit I don’t relish the thought of starting from scratch with constant sleepless nights etc, and when I think rationally I am looking forward to regaining a bit of freedom to do things, have more time as a couple etc (still a way off as my youngest is only one!).

We haven’t closed the door completely on a third but DH is pretty resolute that we should stick with two even though we both love the thought of a third. We’d also need to decide sharpish as I’m 37 and wouldn’t want to have another beyond 40.

And as PP say there is definitely also the fear of ‘rolling the dice’ again and losing - be that pregnancy loss, stillbirth, severe disability etc (risks of all of which increase with age). I worry that if things went wrong we would massively regret not just being happy with what we’ve got.

But I do feel incredibly sad when I pack away baby clothes, look at very early pictures, see others at the start of the journey etc. It sort of feels like a waste not to try again when you are lucky enough to be able to have children and enjoy them so much. That said, parenting is bloody hard and in many ways I miss my pre-kids life!! And three would surely be even harder work than 2. It really is a head vs heart type of feeling.

I completely understand why some would call us ungrateful as we are very lucky to have children at all. There is definitely something to be said for appreciating our blessings and not always looking for more. But these feelings are common and understandable and I don’t think YABU. You’re not alone feeling this way.

YANBU. I have two sons too, one is just a baby, and I don't feel "done". And I'm finding our current situation with a nearly 4 year old monster and 8 month old who's lovely but quite high maintenance really difficult - so the fact that I still don't feel done really means I don't! DH says no more though so I totally understand.

I agree about the counselling. It's hard. Hopefully when your 2 year old is that bit older, and you really have your freedom back, you'll be glad you didn't. I do have a friend who desperately wanted a third, but when her youngest turned about 2 or 3, she was glad she stuck at two.

Getting a job and being less tied to children and home, is a great way to prevent baby cravings