I have two wonderful sons aged 5 and 2.
Originally we had decided to only have one child but I then went on to desperately want another and after a year or so of discussions about it my husband finally agreed to TTC for #2.
We conceived our first son on one cycle but our second son took 12 months to conceive and included an early miscarriage at 8 weeks.
After the second child my DH said that was it, no more babies, and I accepted that and considered myself lucky to have convinced him to have a second.
Anyhow - as time passed I started getting a craving for another baby, started making light hearted comments to DH about it who unsurprisingly laughed it off. I didn’t take him too seriously though and joked that I had changed his mind once so whose to say I couldn’t do it again. He would laugh again but then not really say much more.
As we had more conversations about it and DH could sense that my feeling were genuine, I asked him why he still hadn’t had the vasectomy done that he’d been saying for ages that he’d get. I explained that his not getting it done was giving me false hope that maybe the option for another child was there. He then went and booked a vasectomy which he had done about 4 months ago.
I was upset but at the same time I felt like maybe I could move on from the issue because now I knew there was no chance of having another baby.
However, 4 months down the line and I still feel sad. A lot of my work colleagues are pregnant and although I’m happy for them I find myself getting inwardly emotional when I see them touching their bumps and talking about their baby kicking etc.
I find myself going on the Conception Boards so I can look at pictures being posted of people’s “second lines” and their excitement takes me straight back to how overjoyed I felt when I got my second lines and then I just feel sad again because I won’t get to experience that feeling ever again.
I’m the same when I look at photos from when I was pregnant - I just feel a bit low about the fact I won’t ever get to do it again.
I know how lucky I am to have my sons but I still can’t shake these feelings of sadness I have sometimes.
I meet women with children and when talking about having another baby they laugh and say, “No way, I’m DONE!” and they clearly mean it. Generally people say that women “just know” when they’re finished having children, but I don’t feel like that at all. I definitely don’t feel done but I have to be.
Maybe I’m just feeling this way because the decision to have another was taken out of my hands. I don’t know.
Has anyone else ever felt like this?
I’m definitely happy to be told to “give my head a wobble” (even though I don’t know exactly what that means) because I don’t like feeling like this.