Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to my partners family

57 replies

Darkbloom · 18/10/2019 00:12

Me and my DP have been together for a few years now - he got into a relationship with me pretty quick after his ex. My DP is 1/5 and the four of them are girls.

His sisters are close with his ex wife - regularly going out for meals and posting on social media of them all having a good time.

My DP has asked me to "try" and bond with his sisters but I find it extremely awkward at family events to even try and talk with them (I've been trying for 3 years). They are very closed with me and I get ignored.

So I give up! I've said to my DP that I've tried and I no longer want to join him in his family events, he has took this quite hard and says that it's all in my head. I also feel a bit upset at the fact that I can't have a bond with his family, despite me trying.

They don't add me on social media either.

I'm exhausted as I'm pregnant and I just feel DONE with his family, any advice is much wanted!!

OP posts:
Oodlesandpoodles · 18/10/2019 00:16

The sisters sound very clique, and I just wouldn’t bother.

Tell your DP that his sisters arnt you friends and you’ll just be civil.

HotChocWithCream · 18/10/2019 00:19

I think you are being a little unfair on your DP. They are his family and he should feel able to take you along to events.

I think in this situation his sisters need time to get to know you and accept you. Perhaps they suspect you were the “OW” which is bound to cause issues.

If I were you I wouldn’t try hard to gain their acceptance. I’d simply go along to events to support DP and be yourself - perfectly polite and civil. If they can’t accept you then it’s ultimately their issue. Unless they are outright rude or hostile towards you then it’s unfair to stop going.

KellyHall · 18/10/2019 00:19

Presumably your baby is also his baby so you'll find it extremely difficult to stay away from his whole family.

On the plus side, the baby will be the main focus for the next few years so you won't have to worry about whether you like them or they like you, etc, etc. You can all just be civil, grown ups, who share common people: your dp and your dc.

Chociefish · 18/10/2019 01:00

I feel for your situation. I never felt part of the family with my exs parents particularly. I just used to 'get through' the family events and try to let mils snide comments get to me. In the end it drove too big a wedge.
Try not to let it bother you and I hope your pregnancy is going well💐

Quitedrab · 18/10/2019 01:13

Don't let them win this family turf war! Be nicer than them. That will give you the moral upper hand. Be relentlessly nice, go to everything, and eventually they'll have to back down.

OooErMissus · 18/10/2019 03:40

Why did he and the ex break up?

Who instigated the break-up - him or her?

How soon after the break-up did you two get together?

I feel there's some glossing going on, but if I'm wrong, then it could just be that, if they're genuinely close to his ex, it'll take time to fade.

You can give up completely - but is that really any way to live? I couldn't live like that - having nothing to do with my partner's family.

However, I do think your DP has a role to play in all of this. He should be talking to his sisters and asking them pull their weight, make you feel included, etc.

Why isn't he doing this?

Seahorseshoe · 18/10/2019 05:22

I'd be civil for your partners sake and go to family events, you will want your children to have a relationship with their aunties, I'm sure?? You never know, the baby might change things with them. I hope so, because that's hard, feeling like the odd one out, it's like playground bullying. They should grow up.

Ps. Social media is the root of all evil.

Blondebakingmumma · 18/10/2019 06:17

Treat it like a work event that you are forced to go to. Go, plaster on a smile and pretend to have a good time. Hopefully they come around to you

Original poster
Darkbloom · 18/10/2019 09:27

Yes I do want my child to have a relationship with her dad's family.

His sisters are a lot older than me and we have no common interests.

They post on social media and don't tag me in any of their posts so that makes me feel left out. I feel so detached from them and they don't make it easy to talk to them.

I think my DP just likes to keep the peace and doesn't really say much to them about how this is upsetting me.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 18/10/2019 09:30

Don’t get involved with social media, just be friendly and pleasant when you meet, no one can ask more than that.

Evilspiritgin · 18/10/2019 10:01

Does he have children with the ex?

RedSuitcase · 18/10/2019 10:04

Were you the other woman, OP?
Or did your DP leave his wife for you?

user1493413286 · 18/10/2019 10:09

Are there other people you can talk to and get on with at family events? If you’ve tried with them and they’re not friendly then I can understand not continuing to try but it seems extreme to then say you won’t go to family events. I also think that will life very difficult sigh your baby as it’ll either restrict your baby’s relationship with your DPs family which isn’t fair or you’ll be left at home while they’re off at events and you’ll need to explain that to your child.

Singlenotsingle · 18/10/2019 10:16

Hasn't dp's ex moved on yet? Surely once she's got a new man, or remarried, she should be part of her new man's family instead?

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 18/10/2019 10:22

OP said "he got into a relationship pretty quickly with me" so I doubt sh was the OW

TeaStory · 18/10/2019 10:22

He has asked you to “try” with them... has he asked them to do the same with you?

bluebeck · 18/10/2019 10:23

They post on social media and don't tag me in any of their posts so that makes me feel left out

Your OP says they haven't added you to SM so how/why are you looking at their posts and why would they tag you? Confused

Are you quite young OP? All this SM stuff is a nonsense - stop looking at their posts, it's ridiculous. You will be a mother soon.

I suspect you were OW, either wittingly or unwittingly and that is why your SILS aren't very warm towards you. Your DH needs to sort this out, or just don't bother with them any more.

I wouldn't give it too much head space though.....

Windydaysuponus · 18/10/2019 10:24

I never ever socialised with now ex sil. The dc never mixed. Never with the gps at the same time.
Her dc were the golden dc..
I backed away very early on when sil made it clear she hated me. Saved my mh I am sure.
Ime the quicker you accept it the better.
Let him deal with the vipers..

aSofaNearYou · 18/10/2019 10:29

No, he is being unfair to you. You have tried and they are not being welcoming, it's not on you to keep putting yourself out there and feeling uncomfortable, if he wants you to get along he needs to talk to the people that are being cold - them.

He is trying to guilt trip you into ignoring your own discomfort to give him an easy life which is not a good sign.

But if I were you I would continue to be civil and polite to them but not seek out friendships or deeper bonds - it will be much easier to navigate relationships with your baby if you aren't avoiding them, but you don't need to be best friends with any of them.

Beautiful3 · 18/10/2019 10:45

I wouldnt bother either, after all who needs that?!

Dollymixture22 · 18/10/2019 10:49

Is your partner older too.

If this lady is a close friend of theirs, I can see why they find this awkward. They might feel disloyal to her. Or they might just be assholes😊

It has happened in my group of friends - the new girlfriend is tolerated but the ex was always the close friend.

They are your family now, like it or not. Be polite, if a little distant. Don’t let it upset you. Think of it as your gift to your child, don’t let him or her see the friction.

Jellybeansincognito · 18/10/2019 10:49

Does your partner have children with his ex wife?

I think he’s the issue tbh, he should be able to tell his sisters to take a bit of interest in his life and family (you, your dc)

ConkerGame · 18/10/2019 10:53

This is now a DP problem. If I knew a sibling of mine was being nasty to my DP because they were friendly with my ex I’d be furious and be making it clear that their focus should be on making my current partner feel welcome, not on staying close to my ex. Where is their family loyalty?!

You need to make it clear that his best hope of an “easy life” is making sure that you are happy. And that means pulling his sisters up where necessary.

OooErMissus · 18/10/2019 10:53

OP said "he got into a relationship pretty quickly with me" so I doubt sh was the OW

As I say, I suspect there is some 'glossing' going on.

The OP isn't answering our questions....

Vilanelle · 18/10/2019 10:54

OP you haven't answered many questions

*Why did he and the ex break up?

Who instigated the break-up - him or her?

How soon after the break-up did you two get together*

does ex have children with him?