AIBU to my partners family

[Darkbloom]

Me and my DP have been together for a few years now - he got into a relationship with me pretty quick after his ex. My DP is 1/5 and the four of them are girls.

His sisters are close with his ex wife - regularly going out for meals and posting on social media of them all having a good time.

My DP has asked me to "try" and bond with his sisters but I find it extremely awkward at family events to even try and talk with them (I've been trying for 3 years). They are very closed with me and I get ignored.

So I give up! I've said to my DP that I've tried and I no longer want to join him in his family events, he has took this quite hard and says that it's all in my head. I also feel a bit upset at the fact that I can't have a bond with his family, despite me trying.

They don't add me on social media either.

I'm exhausted as I'm pregnant and I just feel DONE with his family, any advice is much wanted!!

You've tried and they've shot you down, if your DP wants you to have a relationship with his sisters, he needs to ask them to stop being a dick and punishing you for him and ex wife splitting up. Do they think maybe you were an OW since you two got together quite quickly after the break up?

As I say, I suspect there is some 'glossing' going on.

The OP isn't answering our questions.

Hmmm . Yes , I see what you mean.

I don’t see what social media has to do with any of this, unless you are a teenager.

I would imagine that the sisters think you were a reason for the relationship ending. Or perhaps, despite it being a few years, don’t or didn’t see it as serious as you haven’t married and consider you to be the rebound. 🤷🏻‍♀️

You say the sisters are older than you? Is there an age gap between you and your DP? What and who caused the breakup of the first marriage?

You don’t say how long your DP was with his XDW. It is hard for family members when a sibling splits up with their DW, and you are expected to forget them as if they never existed. However, unless there are DC, overtime the relationship will fade.
I would go to family events. As an earlier post said, treat it like a work event, where you have to socialise with people. However, you do not have to socialise with them outside of family events.
To be annoyed they don’t add you or ‘tag’ you on social media is totally bizarre.

Doesn't sound like they're being mean, more like none of you have common interests.
I don't see why you can't go to family events and just be civil.
I'm married to DH, not really bothered about being best friends with his siblings or any of that, if we have a nice conversation, that's fine, if we don't talk, oh well.
You're with DP, not his family. Civil is fine.

Don't go on social media
Don't bother trying to make friends, just be civil
Just go with your OP to family events, you don't need to become bestie with his family, just polite. Done.

It's been 3 years. I'd be civil but anything more isn't going to happen.

I wouldn't be wasting my time, they've had their chance.

Ignore the social media stuff, it's irrelevant.

Go to family gatherings and be polite to them. Ask DP to "facilitate" - to be with you in the group so you can try and all just chat together rather than the pressure being on you solely if you're the only one trying to talk to them and he's off chatting elsewhere (if that's what's happening).

My DP family is the same with me and our children. Yet all over the ex-wife and my SD.

They literally swing between ignoring my existence or colluding with the mental ex to make my life as difficult as possible, they don’t invite me to anything I’m very clearly not welcome and when I am forced into interacting with them they are absolutely hideous with me, just so nasty.

The kicker is they pretend my children their own niece and nephew don’t even exist, which to me is abhorrent. They do this while fawning all over my SD so my children end up feeling inadequate and sad. So I really get why you feel so frustrated and upset.

I’ve given up with them, I went NC last year and it’s absolutely amazing. Like a weights been lifted off my chest.

OP some people are just like this, there is no rhyme and reason to it. They’re just shitty people who thrive on drama as upset, I’d go NC with them as they’re pretty much already doing that to you so to be blunt neither of you will know any different, put yourself and your own mental well-being first.

I’d leave it OP. It shouldn’t entirely be on you to try more than you already have. It should go both ways.

There's very few facts to go on but Its been three years. What has your DP been doing all this time? Sitting back and watching them ignore you?
He should be picking up the phone and telling them that they need to make more of an effort instead of expecting one relative newcomer to try to break the ice with four closely knit sisters.
Why hasn't he invited them over to your place individually. That would be one way to get to know you,
But they need to really know that he wants this, that he wants them to make the effort and doesn't like the fact that they haven't bothered. .. not just that you are trying since in 3 years that hasn't worked.
Regarding the ex.. they have known her for longer and its OK for them to choose their friends. But it is absolutely not OK for them to neglect to make an effort with you and make you feel ignored and isolated at family gatherings. And no one should expect you to run after people who are behaving like this. Ask your DP what kind of family does he want to belong to - a warm and welcoming one presumably? He needs to make an effort to change their viewpoint.
I suspect that initially they were not sure if you two were going to be a long term item. Now that you've been together 3 years and there is a baby on the way, you might find that their attitude changes (with a giant shove from DP) once the ice has broken it might be easier, you don't have to be best mates with them, but you do have the right to expect a polite and kind relationship. Best of luck.

@bluebeck it's not that I go looking at their accounts, my DP is tagged in their posts so it comes up on my news feed.

The ex might have known his sisters if for example they are mid 30s 20years plus, I have known a couple of women marrying their best Friends brothers, what do you do? I can see how and it seems to be more ex husbands, how the family’s get get caught between a rock and a hard place

No there isn't much of an age gap between me and DP - he's the youngest of his sisters.

I've been to every single family event so fsr so I am trying/showing face and I do try and communicate with them but they ignore me and it's quite difficult when you have his family, who clearly dislike me and I've got nobody to talk to - it's intimidating.

Did he leave her for you? Several posters have asked this and you have ignored it.

I think you have to stick with it for your partner's sake. As someone else has said, when the baby arrives it will make things easier. Kids oil the wheels of social interaction in families.

And don't stress about the social media element. You've not friended them,and they've not friended you. No biggie.
If they're FB friends with your partner's ex, I can see why they find it better not to have you as a FB friend. That's not a reflection on you, it's just sensible social media management. I didn't accept a FB request from someone I like, because I knew they can't stand another of my friends. I just don't need the potential discomfort.

From the OP's apparent unwillingness to answer that question we can probably assume that she was the reason for her DP breaking up with his ex. If so, it's not exactly surprising that the DP's sisters aren't exactly falling over themselves to be friends and if they liked the ex it seems reasonable that they should remain friends with her.

You sow what you reap OP

If she was the OW then the whole post can now be seen in a different perspective .

It's seems pretty obvious that OP was the cause for the break up. If SIL we're close to exW then of course they'd feel like they were betraying their friend (the wronged party) by being chummy with the OW.

Ridiculous - no one has to stay in a relationship if they’re not happy; in the same way as you and his sisters can choose not to see each other. It will become difficult with the baby if they don’t welcome you but it will be them that miss out.

@Darkbloom I think if you answer some of the questions asked here by pp, it would help the responses.

No there isn't much of an age gap between me and DP - he's the youngest of his sisters.

I've been to every single family event so fsr so I am trying/showing face and I do try and communicate with them but they ignore me and it's quite difficult when you have his family, who clearly dislike me and I've got nobody to talk to - it's intimidating.

@Darkbloom this could have been written by me. But in my case I've come to understand over the years that it's not that my four SILs dislike me, they are just not interested in me, possibly because of the age gap, which is almost more hurtful than being disliked. Luckily all of their partners talk to me at family events, otherwise no one else would. I'm sorry no one talks to you at family events, that's hurtful. I do still go to every family event that I can, because my son just loves his cousins, you might not want your child to miss out on family fun. As lots of others have suggested, I'm just polite and nice as can be to the girl gang, but I'm no longer expecting or hoping to be their friends.

So you were either having an affair, or at the very least you were the reason your DP left his ex.

In this case, I can see where the sisters are coming from. Sounds like they're civil, but there's a lot of understandable bad feeling there. Not sure what else you can expect really.

I think we were all willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, but as you're very studiously ignoring the questions about the genesis of your relationship, it's safe to assume you were the OW, or the reason for the break-up.

That being the case, this is exactly what you should have anticipated would happen.

People don't simply switch off feelings, friendships and loyalties.

Inconvenient, isn't it?