To be expecting more from my grieving husband?

[watermelon55]

I’m really trying to find out whether I’m being unfair, or expecting too much of my husband. Over the last year both of my husband’s parents have died, one of them after a short illness, and the other suddenly a few months later. My husband had a good relationship with them and has obviously been devastated. During the illness he talked quite openly about how he felt, we were both very sad and I felt that it would be hard but that we would help each other, and our kids, through it. I have experienced the loss of a close family member so I understand how painful grief is.

However, he has not been able to talk about how he feels at all. He started off by saying that he feels numb, and I felt that he was still processing the shock and had buried all the pain, but a bit more time has passed and I had thought that he may start to find it easier to express how he feels, or at least attempt to put this into words. However, it still seems just as hard as when they had both just died. He says he thinks about them but doesn’t get upset.

I feel like he has shut all his emotions away, as he also finds it difficult to relate to anyone else’s emotions. If I talk to him about how I feel he doesn’t really respond, I find this hard, as it’s difficult to talk about for me, and so when I get nothing back in response I just wish I’d not said anything. He can’t really understand how our children are feeling either. Getting him to discuss anything where emotions are involved is really difficult, it’s almost like it’s a foreign language to him.

We both work, we have children and so our lives are busy, days and weeks will go past without there being the opportunity to talk about anything more than who’s picking up who and who’s paid the bills, etc. I completely get that that is the reality of family life. But I love him and care about him and feel that I should try to help him, and try to get him to deal with things and talk about things. I also feel that I should be trying to help our relationship and so I will bring the subject up after a bit of time has passed. This is always really hard, as he is defensive and will deflect my questions or focus on small details that are not really important. I always end up regretting that I’ve tried, and it just reminds me that he’s got everything so bottled up and he hasn’t really begun to deal with what has happened to him.

I understand that everyone deals with grief differently and if I felt that the way he was dealing with it was enabling him to gradually move forward then I would respect that, but I feel he is stuck and it is seriously affecting our relationship. He says he feels ‘flat’, and when he describes how he feels it sounds like depression. He can’t get enthusiastic or excited about things. We have no sex life and this as well as getting no emotional input from him, has made me feel lonely and un-loved.

I want to help him, but feel like I'm not, and am losing hope.

I'm not a talker, never have been, and your approach would have me extremely angry with you. I deal with my grief privately. It's noone else's business.

I agree, all I was reading in your post was it's all about you and how you've decided that your husband should behave in a particular way. Just back off and leave him alone.

It’s been two years since I lost a loved one and the only way I can describe myself is as dead inside.
I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to loose both parents in one year.
Don’t loose hope op

It's difficult. On the one hand you want to support him, but on the other, he doesn't seem to be behaving as you want him to.

Just let him know that you are there when he wants to talk about it, and it's OK if he doesn't. I'm not sure what else you can do at the moment. You can't force someone to grieve.

Give him time and space.

Plus, losing both parents in such a short space of time is a double-whammy. Not just in terms of grief and emotionally, but all the administrative crap that comes with it. Must be exhausting. Are you helping him out with that side of it?

Four years on from losing my dad, I can tell you that some days it seems like yesterday and the grief still hits me square in the face out of nowhere. In a complete change to my usual character (gobby as hell) I have tended to grieve by myself, at the graveside, or cry in the car when I'm alone. My DH has been a star and has also grieved for my dad but has never put any pressure or demands on me regarding my grieving. I'd lose a lot of respect and not a little love for him if he did. Anything happening to my mum now is a constant fear as I really don't know how I'd get myself/my sibling/ my DCs through it. I have two friends who lost both parents within a year. One was off for for over a year and 5 years on can't talk about it. The other (male btw) had a break down about 18mths after his last parent died. This isn't about you, OP. Your post has staggered me with all your me me mes

My OH closed down like this. It was a decade before I could put up photos of his parents. Have a chat with your GP about it and see what they say if you think it might help.

Sometimes talking about your grief is much easier when that person shares your grief. I lost my mum 23 yrs ago and my dad 8yrs later. The only person who understood how I was feeling was my sister and even now we still talk about it.
Even siblings can experience grief for parents differently. We all have a unique bond and relationship with a parent and grief can be different when experienced at different stages of our lives.
I lost my mum a couple of months after miscarrying what would have been her first grandchild. I was unable to shake off the guilt of failing to provide her with a reason to fight on against the cancer she died of. Totally irrational. My sister only recently acknowledged how she had struggled to understand my response at the time but had realised how tough it must have been once she went on to have children. Only we can talk about and analyse the grief.
He will talk to you if and when he wants to. He may not be bottling it up but has found it easier to talk to a relative or friend. Don’t be offended that he can’t share his feelings with you but it’s sometimes difficult to share with someone who is also grieving but for a different relationship, if you haven’t lost a parent you cannot know what he is feeling.
Be patient, sadness and depression are perfectly normal. Grief counselling may be an idea but he may not be ready for it. It took me nearly 12 months before the fog lifted. Basically you have to get through the first year of birthdays , Xmas and family events without them before you can really start to heal. And he has two parents to grieve. And to be honest talking about how you are feeling doesn’t make the emotions any less intense.

"I feel he is stuck"

A year ago, both your husband's parents were alive and now both of them are gone. Whatever age you are, that's an awful, scary thing to carry around with you. You're resenting your husband for not grieving the way you want him to and completely missing the point when you say you understand how painful grief is, because you have experienced the loss of a close family member.

We all grieve differently. Your husband has suffered not one but two hugely traumatic losses in such a short space of time and shutting down may be the only way he can carry on right now. Grief is not a journey, it is not linear, you cannot be 'stuck'. You simply move at your own pace and you absolutely must put yourself first. I say this as someone who lost their mother two months ago.

Please stop trying to talk to him about it. He clearly isn't ready for it and he might not ever be. Just because you think that's the normal, healthy thing to do doesn't mean it's what is right for him. I understand that you want to try and help him, but honestly I think the best thing you can do is to write him a letter. DON'T try to tell him you're worried about him, that you want to help him or make any suggestions about what he should do. DO tell him that you love him, you'll always be there if he does want to talk about it, and that you respect the fact that he's facing an incredibly difficult time at the moment. And then leave it be.

How long ago did they both die? I think YABU to be moaning about a lack of sex to be honest. Sounds like you still have both parents.

I lost my dad in April this year, quite suddenly. I never dealt with it at the time - in my head, in my grief, I didn't want to deal with it. I still don't. Going to work, carrying on with life, was easier than accepting what had happened. I'm usually the one to talk about everything, but grief has thrown me sideways and I can't talk about it at all. In fact, this is the first time I've said anything, because your post has riled me up so much. You explaining how your OH is feeling is exactly how I feel... I feel "flat" and some days as if the joy has been ripped from my life.
If my husband said half the things that you have in your post then I would be heartbroken.
I really hope your husband doesn't see what you've written here - to see that the person who should be supporting you most through your darkest times would be coming across so insensitively would be devastating.

You love your husband but you are repeatedly poking his sore spot with a sharp stick.
You need to stop and instead of asking him to talk about it, give him a hug.
It's horrible watching someone you love suffer but you cant hurry him through it.

I understand that everyone deals with grief differently

But you don’t actually understand this at all. You’re trying to force him into grieving the way you would grieve, and that will do him more harm than good. As long as he knows you’re there if he needs to talk that’s all he needs from you for now. Leave him alone to grieve in his own way.

I think you've got a bit of an unfair booting here OP - after all you're posting for yourself, not on his behalf.

However I think your thread title about "expecting more" is quite inflammatory.

I think to lose both parents in the space of a few months, unexpectedly, and where they were close, must be incredibly difficult for anyone. It's not surprising that he's throwing up walls to protect himself (and others) from what must be a savage grief.

When DS lost his dad, he didn't cope with it very well, as you'd imagine with most teenagers, but unfortunately he didn't get the support in grieving from his family to help him process the loss. He took refuge in creating a fantasy where his dad had "moved away for work" to the other side of the world, and "some day" they would be reunited.

Your DH may well be working through the stages of grieving on his own, just not visibly to you. Just let him know that you love him and maybe say to him one time (only) "if there's anything you want to talk about regarding your mum and dad, or anything you want me to arrange, eg a trip to their burial places on a meaningful date, just ask me and I'll help you."

Then just leave it completely unless he brings it up.

Wishing you both well

I feel like he has shut all his emotions away, as he also finds it difficult to relate to anyone else’s emotions. If I talk to him about how I feel he doesn’t really respond, I find this hard, as it’s difficult to talk about for me, and so when I get nothing back in response I just wish I’d not said anything. He can’t really understand how our children are feeling either.

FFS. Talk about how you feel?
Your post is just I, I, I.

I lost my Dad very suddenly 5 months ago. One day he was there. The next he was dead. I am now a orphan. My Mum died a few years ago.
Nothing compares to suddenly finding you are alone in the world with no parents. I can't even begin to process my grief. It has to stay locked away for the moment otherwise I would be completely unable to function.
I don't want anyone asking me how I feel and all the rest of it as it will unleash a whole load of emotions I am not ready to deal with.
I certainly do not want anyone telling me how I should or shouldn't be grieving and trying to make me talk about it.

I'm really sorry OP - you sound like a kind, caring person who is trying to help - but your post royally pissed me off. I have no right to be pissed off but that's how I feel. That's how messed up emotions are when you are grieving.
You need to stop asking him all the time and stop trying to talk about how you feel.
He is not ready to deal with this. When did the second parent die suddenly? He's probably still in shock. Saying he is flat does not mean he is depressed either. I am flat - I am existing. I am not depressed.
Please stop trying to make him grieve in a way that you think will help.

YABU and completely selfish. This isn't about you, leave the poor man alone. He will figure things out in his own time, in his own way and if he WANTS to come to you then he will.
Stop trying to force the guy. Fancy moaning about your relationship and lack of sex when the guy has lost both parents in a year. I'd be ashamed of what you've written here.

You can’t imagine the pain of losing both of your parents and the feeling of loneliness. I appreciate you have lost someone close but to lose both parents near each other is devistating. As others say it is his grief. Be there for him but leave him alone. Not everyone feels the need to talk,

YABU. OP, he's the one who's lost his parents. You're making it all about you.

So his parents have died, he is grieving and getting a hard time about how his grief is affecting him and all you are bothered about is your sex life?! OP, can you not see how self centred you are?

There are so many 'I.s' in your post.
Everybody deals with grief in their way and you deciding when he needs to open up and discuss with you is unfair.
With respect this is not about you. Its about your husband and him trying to come to terms with what he is feeling.

^
This

@Gazelda our children are struggling at times and its hard to know what to do for the best for them, I am thinking about some counselling for my eldest who is very low at the moment

@2018SoFarSoGreat Sorry to hear of your loss, your description of how you feel is very moving, I think this is probably similar to how my husband feels.

@DuMondeB thanks for your post, I have suggested counselling to him, which I realise many posters disagree with. I think he might consider it in time, but I feel like it might be too soon. A close friend's marriage broke down partly because they had not worked through their grief following the death of their parents and that worry is in the back of my mind

@AskMeHow Thanks for the support. You've summed it up very well, I would love him to tell me what he needs from me, but I'm not sure he can express that, and so I often feel quite helpless. He engages in all the practical aspects of family life and the children, but not with the more emotional issues. I take on board the suggestions to talk about things from the angle of our marriage, and not connect it to his grief.

Thanks for all your posts. I guess it's pretty clear that I'm expecting too much and I need to give him space. I will definitely do this. I posted on here as its easier to be honest in an anonymous forum, to ask things which are too difficult to ask friends or family. I have been devastated too by losing my in-laws, I know its by no means the same as if they were my parents, but I loved them dearly and my heart breaks for my children who have lost beloved grandparents. I realise now that I have been very naïve about how things would be for us all, but I wasn't prepared for the 'emotionally checking out' and so am now trying to figure out the best way to support my husband and our children.

Losing a parent cannot be compared to losing any other close family member. That's not to say its more upsetting, but it is life changing. Your life becomes a 'before' and an 'after'. Your own mortality gets brought sharply in to focus
Me and my mum hated each other a lot of the time. It's been 3.5 years since she died and I've not even begun to deal with it.

You can’t make him accept support but you can seek support for yourself and your DC. Look to friends and extended family.

My brother committed suicide 8 years ago and I had to support my mother as she id'd him. I have still never fully recovered from that grief and it is like a cork bottle. I still remember my grandmother telling me he was dead and telling me to calm down as I fell apart... my husband stood outside the room on that call and held me without saying a word when I came out. I will always thank him for his silent solidity during the worst days.

I cant even remember the year following my mums death let alone both of them-leave him be

My DH helped me hugely when DM died. He fed me and he listened and he fended off the well meaning. I did openly cry for a few months but didn’t truly miss her for 8 years. Grief is like that. Nobody could know how I was going to react, least of all me.

OP, I think you need grief counselling. You have had your own loss and now your PILs, and you are coming across as feeling responsible for being the source of comfort for your DH and your DCs whilst wishing that your DH could share in your need to express emotion so that you feel supported. You need to find that support elsewhere and at home respond to what is asked of you by DH or where you can see a real need. Ask rather than tell.

Ask your DH and DCs if they want to talk, or remember, or not and don’t feel that they have to go about it the way you need to. Most of all, don’t negate your own feelings in this. That’s how you’ll get through this together.