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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

9 months pregnant and don’t want anything to do with “family”

96 replies

Mia95 · 17/10/2019 15:35

Had to make this again as I’ve changed my username. Hi I new to this and would really like some advice. I’m the youngest in my family I’m 22 all my siblings are older than me. I have a sister 26, brother 30 and oldest brother 34. They all have kids, I work and everyone always comes to me for money. Ive bought my nieces and nephew lots of presents over the years costing a lot. Ive also borrowed my big sister 500£ At the begging of the year which I still haven’t seen back . I’ve also bought my mum gifts and she’s constantly asking for money I’ve bought her a expensive pandora bracelet at the beginning of the year before I found out I was pregnant but anyway I’m now 9months pregnant and none of them has bought my child anything, it’s fine they never get me presents but the amount I spend on their kids over the years and they haven’t gotten her kit one thing is really concerning especially as I’m the youngest. I’ve always been really independent and haven’t needed anyone but I think it’s just really rude. I’ve had a really hard pregnancy where I’ve had to be on bed rest at my flat and my mum has promised to be round but hasn’t, she’s been saying she will come round and that she’s bought stuff for the baby but this was 3months ago... I needed my mother to attend a child protection plan conference with me for the baby as they wanted my mother there to show I had support (the conference was because of my ex partner who was physically abusive towards me once during the pregnancy but I have since left him and got a restraining order but social is still worried) my mother decided to bring my older sister along and when they got to the station near my house so we can go to the meeting bear in mind my mother had no idea where I live but my sister does so my sister was calling me asking me to get a cab because she apparently doesn’t know the way to my house which was a lie as she’s been here before only my mother hasn’t been here. My sister was shouting on the phone at me really loud like I was going through enough stress with the meeting and wasn’t going to allow her to shout at me and stress out my baby especially when I didn’t want her there in the first place. I told her no and hanged up the phone, didn’t hear anything till after the meeting was in tears because my mum didn’t come so decided to call her and asked what happened she said my sister got upset and said she’s leaving so my mum left with her because she didn’t know where she was going. please bear in mind my sister is a 26 year old woman. It was a very important meeting and I needed my mother there but she left because my sister threw a tantrum because I wouldnt pay for a cab when I didn’t want her there anyway and she knew her way. My mum kept apologising and said she will come down this week still nothing. I’ve called her a few times as I left some baby things at her house and needed it urgently she offered to bring it down. So I would call her asking her what was happening and it was always she was doing something for my sister or my brother which is weird because they are all grown adults. I asked her one last time and said I can collect the things my self and she went crazy saying she always does everything for me when she doesn’t at all and told me to get off my lazy ass because other people who are 9months pregnant do. None of my siblings work neither does she and I’ve worked through out my whole pregnancy so I was abit taken aback when she said those nasty thing especially when I never ask her to do anything for me, she’s never even been to my house. So I decided to go to her house and collect the baby things I purchased which was there. Suprise surprise she lied about purchasing the baby anything, hasn’t gotten her not one thing. I collected the things I bought and was happy to find out my Nan knitted my baby girl a blanket, she’s the only one that’s gotten the baby anything. I really don’t want anything to do with these people, I think it may just be my hormones but I feel as if the way they’ve treated me is disgusting and they only want to use me. I honestly don’t want them ever seeing my child at all, but the social wants to see that my mother is “supportive” which is so annoying as I’m doing a good job already by myself. Am I wrong for this ?

OP posts:
Mia95 · 17/10/2019 22:12

@Douberry Thankyou for your comment! It’s nice to know I’m not the only one having to deal with toxic family members. Yes she extremely toxic but she doesn’t seem to think so and if you explain anything to her she’ll storm out or become violent. Even my aunt has had to address her on her ways

OP posts:
anothernamejeeves · 17/10/2019 22:16

School holidays already? Hmm

Mia95 · 17/10/2019 22:19

@MitziK yes this is the exact reason. They’re just really concerned that I will return back to him. I need to explain to them the reason on why I wouldn’t want my mothers support because it will literally just be another toxic person in my life. I’m not on the freedom programme as they put me on another programme. but would really like to do the freedom course, i’ll Probably complete the online course

OP posts:
Mia95 · 17/10/2019 22:29

@AllFourOfThem hi I thought others would agree with you and @Thongalong because no one has at all and actually pointed out everything incorrect and silly which you two have said.

OP posts:
Mia95 · 17/10/2019 22:42

@anothernamejeeves I have no idea what you’re talking about.

OP posts:
mantlepiece · 17/10/2019 23:11

Mia, from your last few posts I feel the social services may be trying to find out who you plan to be with you for the birth and the immediate time afterwards when you come home. Most people do need someone with them at that time.

Is there anyone planned to be with you then?

Mia95 · 17/10/2019 23:47

@mantlepiece yes you’re right && no because I live by myself. My aunt is really supportive so maybe I can ask her

OP posts:
mantlepiece · 18/10/2019 02:18

Mia, I do think that should be your immediate concern. To get something in place for that time.

As you don’t have much time to arrange that, I would definitely make an appointment to see your midwife today, tell her it’s urgent.

You will not be the first person to be in this position and I am sure she will be able to put something in place for the first few days after the birth.

Have you got all the essentials you need to take care of the baby? Have you got a crib, bath, nappies and toiletries? If you think you are needing help with those kind of things, be sure to tell her that too.

I’m so sorry you mum has not stepped up to help you at this time, but you are going to be a mum soon. Don’t delay, get the support you will definitely need from your midwife.

Mia95 · 18/10/2019 03:12

@mantlepiece hi, Yes I’ve bought everything for baby as I’ve saved a lot for her so was happy I could afford all these things that will keep her happy. I’ve spoken to my aunt who is very reliable and really supportive. She said that she would do this. She’s never let me down or flaked not once so I do trust her to be there for the first few days

OP posts:
Onceuponasilvermoon · 18/10/2019 03:37

Yes tell the social worker that your mother is no longer your support.

No shame in saying you have no support if you don’t! Life happens and unfortunately some people have less supportive people around them. Hopefully it changes in the future for you, but definitely tell them this now as they can make alternatives for the plan.

mantlepiece · 18/10/2019 03:45

Mia, that is very good news to hear. The birth of your first baby should be a very happy time for you. If you plan well you will enjoy it very much.

I would still let the midwife know what your plans are as relying on your aunt you may still need back up. After all that is what the midwife is for to help you.

I do hope your mum and family visit you and welcome your baby. If they don’t you can’t force them. Concentrate on making a good life for you and the baby.

I do wish you all the best wishes. You touched my heart as my daughter is the same age as you.

Blondebakingmumma · 18/10/2019 06:32

I agree with pp. have an honest conversation with SS. Tell them that your mother is not a support option and ask what support they suggest. Although I was married when I had my kids being with a newborn can be quite lonely. I spent a lot of time with locals mums in mother’s group and also at my local library where they run baby Rhyme Time sessions.

I’m sorry to say you need to move forward without any expectation that your family will help

SpecialKRocks223 · 18/10/2019 06:43

I don't think you come across as immature or spoilt at all OP. I think you come across as the only person in your family to stand on your own two feet and value your independence. You just feel exasperated by a mother who lets you down, won't show she cares and who throws all her time at your useless siblings who won't get their shit together. I don't blame you.

If you don't want to have anything to do with them then don't. The only person you owe a relationship to is your baby.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 18/10/2019 06:53

If you knew your mum didn't know where you lived, and you knew you needed her to be at the meeting, why didn't you arrange to meet her somewhere neutral? Why was she coming to your house if she didn't know where it was? And if your sister did know then it sounds reasonable that she soils accompany your mother.

It all sounds a bit dysfunctional, but I'm sure you know that. You need to be honest with the social and tell them your mother is not a source of support for you. They won't take your baby away from you but they will work with you to make sure you can cope. All you have to do is prove you are a good and capable mum.

Stop buying presents for people. Stop giving money.

titnomatani · 18/10/2019 06:57

They sound like fuckers and like really spoilt kids- all of them. I'd go no contact and tell social services you have no support and for them to guide you next as to what to do next. You do not need these people once the baby is here, when your hormones are all over the floor and you feel like crying at the drop of a hat. You need genuine support. Stop making an effort with these people- you seem to be the sibling with her act together (work, money, etc.) and the rest of them are just jealous. Your mum needs to grown a backbone and be a mum to all of you, not just a chosen few.

Littlemissdaredevil · 18/10/2019 07:31

Your family have shown their true colours. Do not expect them to change once you have a child. I was the one who worked in my family. Therefore, I was seen as ‘rich’ even thought for many years I was really struggling. I always bailed them out and was regularity guilt tripped into giving money I couldn’t afford. I now have a child. They never call or visit or text now as they know that the money tap has been turned off as I have a child to support.

Do keep in contact with you grandma and aunt.

joyfullittlehippo · 18/10/2019 08:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Yummymummy2020 · 18/10/2019 09:02

I see why you are upset. You were let down very badly with the conference and you have very little support by the sounds of it. Having a hard pregnancy and being on bed rest also makes everything feel a million times worse. You are worrying about your health and the babies as it is and it sounds like you have way more to worry about on top of that. I’m sorry it’s such a crappy child, I do agree that you should let social services know that your mum isn’t being supportive just in case it causes issues later on, you were very brave to get the restraining order so fair play to you. I think things will get better for you soon, but honestly, I wouldn’t be so forth coming with the expensive gifts and lends to family from here on in, you have the perfect get out clause too now you are expecting a little one yourself! It’s such a tough situation for you!!!

Yummymummy2020 · 18/10/2019 09:04

Pregnancy brain grammar errors and auto correct sorry, main one being I said child instead of time😂😂😂

Violet1988 · 18/10/2019 09:53

Good luck with the new baby, I hope you will bring each other loads of love and happiness. I haven't seen my DF since my boys were born, he's toxic much like your family sound. Sometimes the arrival of a new life is what it takes to us to take stock of our own lives and decide who should be in them. I agree with the other posters who suggest an honest conversation with SS and have a really good think about who your support network could be. One thing I did when expecting my second was post to a local Facebook group asking if anyone was expecting in the month my son was due. Might sound mad but I have a WhatsApp group with 14 members, we all had babies between Jan and march this year and we meet up regularly and it's been a great support. There's also NCT but that's quite expensive. Also ask your midwife for details of any parenting classes/antenatal classes if you haven't done them already. If your interested in breastfeeding the baby ask HV if there are any support groups locally, they are usually very welcoming and you can go before baby is here to meet people and get advice. Good that your already in touch with homestart, they are a fab organisation, can they offer someone to help with the early days. When baby's here the children's centre groups are also an excellent resource for meeting people. Good luck you will be a fab mummy x

FoggyHazeyMaybe · 18/10/2019 09:53

People who think there is more to SS than OP says clearly havnt been in her situation. I left my ex and my area and took him to court. He was found guilty and given a restraining order to stay away from me and my children. During that time my children were placed on a child protection plan. Its to put in place what support the children and family need. SS help vulnerable people too yano

OP you dont sound childish. You sound hurt and fed up. Please be honest with your social worker about your lack of support, if your mum lets you down again it will not look well for you. Explain that you dont have the support you need. If need be ask them to help you move,

They dont sound very nice and do you really want your child being brought up around these people considering how they treat you? Anything you feel now your baby will feel about them too one day, they wont treat your baby any better than they treat you

Op my family were toxic as was my ex i moved areas cut contact with everyone. It is lonely at first but you make new friends you rediscover who you are and you learn to stand up for yourself from what youve been through and my kids are so happy. You dont need blood family to he happy

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