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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

9 months pregnant and don’t want anything to do with “family”

96 replies

Mia95 · 17/10/2019 15:35

Had to make this again as I’ve changed my username. Hi I new to this and would really like some advice. I’m the youngest in my family I’m 22 all my siblings are older than me. I have a sister 26, brother 30 and oldest brother 34. They all have kids, I work and everyone always comes to me for money. Ive bought my nieces and nephew lots of presents over the years costing a lot. Ive also borrowed my big sister 500£ At the begging of the year which I still haven’t seen back . I’ve also bought my mum gifts and she’s constantly asking for money I’ve bought her a expensive pandora bracelet at the beginning of the year before I found out I was pregnant but anyway I’m now 9months pregnant and none of them has bought my child anything, it’s fine they never get me presents but the amount I spend on their kids over the years and they haven’t gotten her kit one thing is really concerning especially as I’m the youngest. I’ve always been really independent and haven’t needed anyone but I think it’s just really rude. I’ve had a really hard pregnancy where I’ve had to be on bed rest at my flat and my mum has promised to be round but hasn’t, she’s been saying she will come round and that she’s bought stuff for the baby but this was 3months ago... I needed my mother to attend a child protection plan conference with me for the baby as they wanted my mother there to show I had support (the conference was because of my ex partner who was physically abusive towards me once during the pregnancy but I have since left him and got a restraining order but social is still worried) my mother decided to bring my older sister along and when they got to the station near my house so we can go to the meeting bear in mind my mother had no idea where I live but my sister does so my sister was calling me asking me to get a cab because she apparently doesn’t know the way to my house which was a lie as she’s been here before only my mother hasn’t been here. My sister was shouting on the phone at me really loud like I was going through enough stress with the meeting and wasn’t going to allow her to shout at me and stress out my baby especially when I didn’t want her there in the first place. I told her no and hanged up the phone, didn’t hear anything till after the meeting was in tears because my mum didn’t come so decided to call her and asked what happened she said my sister got upset and said she’s leaving so my mum left with her because she didn’t know where she was going. please bear in mind my sister is a 26 year old woman. It was a very important meeting and I needed my mother there but she left because my sister threw a tantrum because I wouldnt pay for a cab when I didn’t want her there anyway and she knew her way. My mum kept apologising and said she will come down this week still nothing. I’ve called her a few times as I left some baby things at her house and needed it urgently she offered to bring it down. So I would call her asking her what was happening and it was always she was doing something for my sister or my brother which is weird because they are all grown adults. I asked her one last time and said I can collect the things my self and she went crazy saying she always does everything for me when she doesn’t at all and told me to get off my lazy ass because other people who are 9months pregnant do. None of my siblings work neither does she and I’ve worked through out my whole pregnancy so I was abit taken aback when she said those nasty thing especially when I never ask her to do anything for me, she’s never even been to my house. So I decided to go to her house and collect the baby things I purchased which was there. Suprise surprise she lied about purchasing the baby anything, hasn’t gotten her not one thing. I collected the things I bought and was happy to find out my Nan knitted my baby girl a blanket, she’s the only one that’s gotten the baby anything. I really don’t want anything to do with these people, I think it may just be my hormones but I feel as if the way they’ve treated me is disgusting and they only want to use me. I honestly don’t want them ever seeing my child at all, but the social wants to see that my mother is “supportive” which is so annoying as I’m doing a good job already by myself. Am I wrong for this ?

OP posts:
Babynumber2dueNov · 17/10/2019 18:03

Why are people jumping on this poor girl?! This is ridiculous, she’s been let down by her exP and her family, does she need negativity from you too? She’s not immature she’s 22!!

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 17/10/2019 18:04

OP I would suggest a sit down honest conversation with social services.I think this would be a good place to start.I would do this quickly and ask for their support as you cannot rely on your dysfunctional family for help,I am sure if you got everything out in the open with them they could offer you a support package for you and your baby,Only by being upfront and honest can you get the support and help you need to be the best mum you can be.Let them help you they arent the enemy and the more you invest with them to show them how solid you are as a parent the better outcome it will be.Personally I would fuck off your family they sound useless too.

justilou1 · 17/10/2019 18:05

Sounds like your mum isn’t as interested as she claims to be either. I’m sorry. They’re awful people. Don’t lend them any money or tell them when baby’s born. Just have your little one and be happy.

Mia95 · 17/10/2019 18:07

@Thongalong I’m fully aware I posted on the internet. I never said you have to agree but like someone above me said you misread it and now have concrete thoughts and you are honestly deflecting onto me which is very obvious and creepy. And Ofcourse I’m going to mention the meeting, it’s about my child. Screaming for my mother ? I needed her for a meeting for my child which she said she would attend but didn’t so Ofcourse I’m angry about that but not screaming for her anyway talk amongst yourself now I can hear through the way you’re typing that you are hurt by something and My post has triggered you in some way. So you can type amongst yourself because I will not be reading what you have to say anymore because you keep missing the point xo

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AhFlip · 17/10/2019 18:08

Sounds like you're seen as a doormat love 😔 Better off without xxx

Mia95 · 17/10/2019 18:08

@Babynumber2dueNov Thankyou! Some people have totally misread it and are deflecting and honestly I think some people are getting “triggered” by my post because some of the things they are saying has nothing to do with me and more to do with them.

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Mia95 · 17/10/2019 18:10

@Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe Thankyou this is the advice I really needed !! Yes I think I should be honest with them too, they’ve been a great support

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Loveislandaddict · 17/10/2019 18:11

Your family sounded selfish and self-centred. They’re used to ‘little-sis’ (ie you) bailing them out, providing nice gifts etc. I’m not surprised that you feel hurt, that in your times of trouble, they’re not there for you.

I wouldn’t cut them out completely, but definantly plan to go it alone, and be self-reliant.

Hope the rest of the pregnancy goes well.

Thongalong · 17/10/2019 18:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Mia95 · 17/10/2019 18:12

@justilou1 she’s not at all. It’s just crazy I’m being called a spoilt brat when I’m been nothing but independent my whole life, I’ve only needed her to attend this meeting that was all I’ve ever needed from her but she couldn’t even do that.

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Mia95 · 17/10/2019 18:15

@Loveislandaddict very selfish they are and Thankyou very much. The best thing I can do is tell social the truth and work with them from there

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KindnessCrusader · 17/10/2019 18:18

I don't think you're the one coming across as bratty and immature, op.
You're coming across as someone that's always taken on the caring role in your family and given both your love and also material things generously. Now the time has come when you could use some of that love and generosity it's not forthcoming and I can see why that is very hurtful.
I think you sound like a kind and sensitive person and I also think you'll be a great Mum. I really hope you make some friends with the same kind of outlook as you when Baby is here and you go to some groups. Good luck! Thanks

WorraLiberty · 17/10/2019 18:20

I agree you should tell SS the truth.

For whatever reason, your family including your mum just don't seem to be very keen on you.

Therefore it's important for you to put SS in the picture and they may be able to draw up a 'plan B' support plan.

Good luck with the rest of the pregnancy and birth Thanks

Siablue · 17/10/2019 18:22

I am sorry you are going through such a hard time. I think as Sally suggested you should be honest with your social worker about not having support from your mum and ask for alternative support.
How has your nan been? Have you got any good friends? Have you asked anyone to be your birth partner yet.
You could think about what you could do to make things easier for when you come home with the baby. Practical things like getting food in making sure you have a supply of nappies etc in different places round the house. You could also ask for volunteer from homestart to visit you.
You have been through a lot and your family are not supporting you so you need to build a support network for you and your baby.

The3Ls · 17/10/2019 18:26

I have worked with families that go on a plan in very similar situations. It is likely OP isn't hiding anything else. Social care will want to keep the plan to check that OP continues to keep her baby safe by not going back into the relationship as often women do as they understandably feel scared and lonely and listen to false promises. Well done for not staying with him and take it from me no family support is better than a toxic support. Good luck OP

averythinline · 17/10/2019 18:27

I think you should tell SSvces teh truth , you cant rely on your mum ir your family to help....its good you have relationship with your midwife... in some areas tehre are young mums groups or people at children centres that can offer a bit of support ... your social worker or midwife may know them or have a look on your council website..

Mia95 · 17/10/2019 18:30

@KindnessCrusader Thankyou for your lovely comment, yes I honestly cannot wait to be a mother. It’s more about her than me that’s why I was upset about my mother not attending the meeting because it wasn’t for me it was for my baby

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Mia95 · 17/10/2019 18:32

@WorraLiberty Thankyou && yes they’ve always been like that towards me. I’m afraid the social worker has already written up the cpp my mother is probably on it I see it tomorrow

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Breathlessness · 17/10/2019 18:35

You need to focus on you and your baby. I’m sorry you’re not getting support from your mother but in some ways it’s better that you know she’s unreliable now rather than finding out when you’re sleep deprived and have a newborn and you desperately need someone to go to the shop for you.

I agree about telling SS. They can’t help if they don’t know.

Mia95 · 17/10/2019 18:35

@Siablue Thankyou && yes I applied for home start the lady is really lovely. I’m probably going to look into mother and baby classes and probably children centres and stuff

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Mia95 · 17/10/2019 18:41

@The3Ls Thankyou for your comment! I just can’t believe people on this thread thought there was “more” to it very strange of them ... and yes I’m just focused on my baby that’s all I care about. Hopefully it all goes well when I tell Ss that my mother is flakey and very toxic

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GPatz · 17/10/2019 18:46

Thongalong. You are not exactly covering yourself in glory with your attitude either.

OP, the most important thing here is you and your baby. Have you spoken to SS about your current situation with your family and how it would affect your case if you did not have your mother's support?

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 17/10/2019 18:54

OP I think you are going to be just fine you know...You sound like a smart switched on young lady who knows exactly how she wants it to be...And although you must be incredibly hurt by your family if you look at it its been a hard lesson but you know exactly what not to do!!! I think your little one is going to be very happy with such a lovely mummy,,,You can do this sweetheart...never be afraid to ask for support though it shows you care and want to get things right. You will do just great I am sure!Look after yourself and get everything as sorted as you can and plans in place then be prepared to have your world turned upside down by a tiny human who will cause chaos and I promise you its worth every second!

Mia95 · 17/10/2019 18:55

@GPatz yes she basically stated that I need someone to come with me to the hospital for support during labour and to help me get home and stuff with the baby (because ex knows where I live) and she will be worried if that was to not happen and my mum was there which is really annoying because my mum has made all these promises to her not me

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Mia95 · 17/10/2019 19:00

@Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe I really appreciate your kind words, has made me feel tons better. Yes I’ve literally got everything ready for her so just waiting on her to get here now and I honestly cannot wait to be a mother

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