9 months pregnant and don’t want anything to do with “family”

[Mia95]

Had to make this again as I’ve changed my username. Hi I new to this and would really like some advice. I’m the youngest in my family I’m 22 all my siblings are older than me. I have a sister 26, brother 30 and oldest brother 34. They all have kids, I work and everyone always comes to me for money. Ive bought my nieces and nephew lots of presents over the years costing a lot. Ive also borrowed my big sister 500£ At the begging of the year which I still haven’t seen back . I’ve also bought my mum gifts and she’s constantly asking for money I’ve bought her a expensive pandora bracelet at the beginning of the year before I found out I was pregnant but anyway I’m now 9months pregnant and none of them has bought my child anything, it’s fine they never get me presents but the amount I spend on their kids over the years and they haven’t gotten her kit one thing is really concerning especially as I’m the youngest. I’ve always been really independent and haven’t needed anyone but I think it’s just really rude. I’ve had a really hard pregnancy where I’ve had to be on bed rest at my flat and my mum has promised to be round but hasn’t, she’s been saying she will come round and that she’s bought stuff for the baby but this was 3months ago... I needed my mother to attend a child protection plan conference with me for the baby as they wanted my mother there to show I had support (the conference was because of my ex partner who was physically abusive towards me once during the pregnancy but I have since left him and got a restraining order but social is still worried) my mother decided to bring my older sister along and when they got to the station near my house so we can go to the meeting bear in mind my mother had no idea where I live but my sister does so my sister was calling me asking me to get a cab because she apparently doesn’t know the way to my house which was a lie as she’s been here before only my mother hasn’t been here. My sister was shouting on the phone at me really loud like I was going through enough stress with the meeting and wasn’t going to allow her to shout at me and stress out my baby especially when I didn’t want her there in the first place. I told her no and hanged up the phone, didn’t hear anything till after the meeting was in tears because my mum didn’t come so decided to call her and asked what happened she said my sister got upset and said she’s leaving so my mum left with her because she didn’t know where she was going. please bear in mind my sister is a 26 year old woman. It was a very important meeting and I needed my mother there but she left because my sister threw a tantrum because I wouldnt pay for a cab when I didn’t want her there anyway and she knew her way. My mum kept apologising and said she will come down this week still nothing. I’ve called her a few times as I left some baby things at her house and needed it urgently she offered to bring it down. So I would call her asking her what was happening and it was always she was doing something for my sister or my brother which is weird because they are all grown adults. I asked her one last time and said I can collect the things my self and she went crazy saying she always does everything for me when she doesn’t at all and told me to get off my lazy ass because other people who are 9months pregnant do. None of my siblings work neither does she and I’ve worked through out my whole pregnancy so I was abit taken aback when she said those nasty thing especially when I never ask her to do anything for me, she’s never even been to my house. So I decided to go to her house and collect the baby things I purchased which was there. Suprise surprise she lied about purchasing the baby anything, hasn’t gotten her not one thing. I collected the things I bought and was happy to find out my Nan knitted my baby girl a blanket, she’s the only one that’s gotten the baby anything. I really don’t want anything to do with these people, I think it may just be my hormones but I feel as if the way they’ve treated me is disgusting and they only want to use me. I honestly don’t want them ever seeing my child at all, but the social wants to see that my mother is “supportive” which is so annoying as I’m doing a good job already by myself. Am I wrong for this ?

Yanbu to be angry that they are happy to take from you and give nothing back.

Yanbu to want your mum's offers of help to materialize. If she was a boyfriend making empty promises and letting you down, everybody would be telling you to ditch him.

The problem is do you need your mum's help to get social services off your back? If so you need to play the long game. Don't go No Contact with her yet but know that when she makes a promise to see you or whatever that she's full of 💩

Don't lend money and don't give any more gifts. Focus on your baby and yourself. Let the lack of gifts go. It's unfair but you can't make them less selfish.

Good luck with the future op

I think you've been unfairly attacked.

Most people dont buy presents until the baby arrives Lots of posters on MN mention the grandparents buying a cot/car seat/travel system before the baby is born. OP is not expecting £100s to be spent but based on her gratitude that her nan knitted a blanket, it sounds like she would like her mum in particular to say something like "I saw this at the shops and thought of your baby" sort of thing.

There are lots of unemployed people in the family but maybe they shouldn't have claimed to have bought things for the baby or expect expensive gifts like a pandora bracelets?

So if I am reading this right, you do need someone to help you get safely home from hospital. That person can't be your mum because she is completely unreliable. Is there anyone else? Any support SS can give you with this?

@pikapikachu Thankyou!! It honestly was not ever about the money I just wanted to literally paint a picture so people understood where I was coming from. Even if it was something made I would have been happy and they seem to think it’s about me... it’s not because I never complain when I don’t receive anything back it’s about my child and then basically subconsciously saying that they do not care about my child to get her anything. Or my mother does not care about attending a meeting for my child’s wellbeing. I wouldn’t have even minded if they got her something from the £1 shop or second hand it’s the thought that counts. They are unemployed but actually receive lots in benefits and spend it on lavish gifts for themselves so it’s not like they’re broke. My mother never bought my child anything but bought my sister a £700 Pomeranian dog so it’s more about them caring tbh

Hey op, I'm really sorry you aren't getting any support in your pregnancy, especially from your mom.
Seems like they have indeed been using you over the years as you sound like the only one in the family who is even slightly responsible and mature.
Yes as pp's have said you seem hung up on the gift/money aspect, but tbh I agree with you. You seem to have been extremely generous to them and their families yet have received nothing in return, not even something home made and meaningful (apart from you grandmother, what a lovely gift!).
Please tell SS that your family including your mother are not at all a support system for you and that you do need extra help.
Do you have any friends you can rely on to help out?
You seem to have everything together so just focus on you and baby and maybe go low contact with your family. Don't give them any more money or do them any favours. Speak to them when they speak to you. That kind of thing.
Wishing you and baby all the best x

@midlifecrash yes for the baby’s safety incase the father comes to visit ... so they said atleast to have someone with me for the first few days. I’ll get more of an insight once I receive the plan. hopefully they’ll be able to change a few things if my mother is on there

Thongalong NO she DOESN'T sound like a brat at all-you on the other hand sound very unpleasant

Does your grandmother support you? Could you reach out to her for some moral support when you need it instead of relying on your mum and sisters?

I'm sorry your Mum hasn't been there for you more. Hopefully when the baby arrives she'll call round and help you a bit

Good luck with everything

I am sorry your family has treated you appallingly. You have had a terrible time with your ex partner and now your blood relatives! Just remember you can make a family with supportive and kind friends. Take care of yourself and try to maintain minimal contact with them if at all possible. Can you Uber or call a taxi to the hospital?

@lonelyonee Thankyou && honestly the people saying I’m being unfair about the gifts are probably the ones that also like to receive and not give. My friends are always abroad like I always was so no they won’t be able to, the social literally put the stress on me about having my “family” in my child’s life but I wouldn’t want that anyway because I don’t like the way they behave and behave with their kids like all the shouting and swearing I’m not that type of person and wouldn’t want my baby around that so no idea why social think this is a good idea. Yes I’ve applied for home start and I’m going to start looking at other young mum groups and stuff

@EKGEMS Thankyou!! It’s very odd he came on this thread and behaved the way it did ... just really makes me believe he was reflecting or was triggered in some way about this post

@neverornow Thankyou and my grandmother, not really as I don’t see her much, I forgot to mention that my “mothers” house is infact my grandmas house so yes my mum lives with my grandmother so wouldn’t really want to go there. I call domestic helplines when I need support and stuff and I think that’s been helping me

Goodness me people are harsh. Wind your necks in some of you. I think OP was trying to illustrate a point about the type of people her family are not to come across as materialistic. It is totally normal to want your mum there isn't it. OP it sounds like you have been through a lot and thought you could rely on your family when all it sounds like is some of them like your sister just want your cash. You need to keep that for the baby good on you for running your own home and having a job and also with moving forward despite the relationship issues. I would really try to focus on the relationship with your baby now (once he or she is born) and find out what social services are asking you to do to be the best mum possible. It sound like your mum and sister would slip up at some point anyway. Try to think about the things that you want fo your baby and the kind of people you want to meet. Have a look for local classes at Sure Start and be armed with this information. Make good relationships with your midwife and health visitors. And finally good luck OP hope you and your new baby bring eachother happiness.

I really feel for you, your family sound far to self involved and tbh like users, maybe they are less interested now because you have less to share with them. I really hope you were not buying them presents to seek approval or love from them, sometimes people treated the coldest are always trying hard to gain that.

I think you're spot on with your instincts now about breaking away from your family, it will take some time to build up a new support circle, but I agree with others who say that groups and mum friends are the way forward, also maybe have a look at the freedom program online if you want to give SS that extra reassurance that your eyes are open to patterns of abuse if they see you as vulnerable.

@anotheruser02 Thankyou and yes that’s what I think I was doing. It’s insane everyone thinks them doing this to me is bad this isn’t even the half. They treated me so disgusting in the past that’s why I’ve literally barely spoken to them and they’ve been trying to get back in my life after the lavish insta posts so I have them another chance only for this to happen and yes the ss has refereed me to a domestic programme. It’s a problem of mine allowing toxic people in my life but social want me to have my toxic mother around... surely this won’t help me in anyway

@Stinkycatbreath Thankyou and yes they totally got it all wrong. Instead of reading properly what I had said they decided to deflect and probably relate it to their own issues and problems in their personal life and not mine. I just want to be an amazing mum to my baby girl but the social can’t possibly expect me to allow my todo mother in my life that has actually lead me to make most bad decisions.. maybe I should explain this to them and hope they understand

@pikapikachu yes I do which is sad because I find her worse than my ex partner tbh so it’s really annoying that social would want her in my life to support my precious baby who I honestly don’t want her around

I get you OP. They don't support you at all. Your mum favourtises your siblings, she lies saying she's brought baby things and wants to support you but her actions show the sad truth.

Don't give or lend anymore money or support to them. Talk to SS and explain your family dynamic. Good luck with your abusive ex.

OP, sorry you are encountering some nasty posters on this thread. Please try to ignore them, they are bringing nothing useful to the discussion. I understand you are hurt after you have supported and put yourself out for them. As others suggested, tell SS that you are not getting any family support and distancing yourself from toxic relatives to avoid any stress and focus on your and the baby's wellbeing. Don't lend any more money or buy anything for anyone else. You have to consider your baby's needs first. Good luck with everything.

You sound lovely OP and your baby is lucky to have such a good mother. I hope everything works out for you.

I'd definitely recommend some baby groups. I went to a few when mine were born. The breastfeeding group was good if you plan on trying that? Churches often have them but am sure your hv will advise.

I agree with pp, be open with social services- they’re here to help you, they’re not trying to trick or trap you. Be honest, be open, ask for their help and support but also show that you are capable and confident.

I can sympathise with you OP. I think some other PP are giving you a hard time unnecessarily tbh as I don't see your comments regarding the gifts (or lack of) as you being materialistic. You are hurt because if you have previously been generous to your family members, perhaps as a way to show your affection or care for them, and now when you need it most, this isn't being reciprocated. I don't think it's about the gifts is it. It sounds like your family and perhaps most of all, your mother, are toxic and despite your efforts to be good and mature with them, they aren't returning your care and kindness. This is the time to realise this, and look after yourself and your baby first and foremost. I can't comment or advise on SS but as other PP have said, it may be in your interests to fess up to them instead of presenting your relationship with your mother as being all tickety boo.

I must admit that only since having my DC that I've realised how toxic my family are and how desperate I've been for affection and approval. I'm no longer living for that but just looking after my DC, DH and my own family and figuring out ways to cut the contact (for the most part that's easy as I get ignored anyway!) I feel sad but with that realisation comes an immense amount of relief as well.

I wish you the best of luck OP!

I think SS are worried that, without other support, you'll be likely to let the father back into your life 'for the baby' because you'll be isolated and lonely. And that, if you don't do that, you'll be vulnerable to the attentions/manipulation and gaslighting of another abusive man that likes the idea of tagging himself onto somebody with their own place and income.

If you try and put aside the money and gifts when speaking to them, being honest about finding your family unsupportive (but not going on at great length about 'she said and they didn't and there's a dog and no presents', etc, keeping it matter of fact that you aren't comfortable with shouting/swearing/etc) and asking for ways to make sure you aren't so isolated and vulnerable will reassure them more than trying to force your relatives to essentially lie about how wonderful they'll be.

Have you started the Freedom Programme? It's very good and that would be the sort of thing that they'd be glad you were doing, as it helps you to understand healthy relationships, identify potential red flags in new relationships - any way you can demonstrate that you are keen to protect yourself and the baby in the future will reassure SS more than you trying to get what sounds like a somewhat dysfunctional family dynamic to say the right things.

@LannisterLion1 Thankyou && yes it’s really weird that she’s said that and everyone being really unpleasant in the comments when they don’t understand. Literally saying I’m better off, there was a time I was 17 and obviously very broke but I received my college benefits my mum made me bunk off school to spend the money on my brothers soon to be child so it’s just like really the excuses they are making for my family are insane

@Grumpelstilskin yes I need to make ss aware because honestly I don’t know what good it will be to have my baby leaving one toxic relationship only to get into a much more toxic one which is my “family”