To say having a newborn makes you hate your partner?

[icantgetnosleep8]

I'm writing this after so far having 2 hours sleep and there is an element of light heartedness in this post (although it doesn't feel like it right now).

I'm so tired. 6 week old not sleeping well. Has to sleep on me. DH went on a night out last night - is sleeping in a different room... so far I know he has had 5 hours sleep, with a couple more to go.

This fact alone means I am fantasising about waking him up in the worst ways possible (air horn, ice bucket, running in yelling like a banshee, dropping giant cowpat onto his face)

But in all seriousness, I felt overwhelming love for him when DD was born, but now I resent every minute of sleep or any moment of fun he has and feel any spare time should be spent helping me. I know I am probably being unreasonable - but tell me I'm not alone? If so, what helped??

When I was in hospital having my first (induced, he'd been with me for the induction, knew I was going in to labour), the hospital tried to ring DH to get him to come in, birth was imminent...

He'd gone home for a nice long sleep. The phone ringing didn't wake him. Eventually had to ring neighbours to go round and bang on the front door until he woke up from his deep, restful sleep. I'd been in labour for 24 hours, it can hardly have come as a shock, yet he'd, apparently, managed to sleep through our very old loud phone right outside the bedroom.

He never improved. We divorced, and it was mostly over his assumption that childcare was a breeze and he had it much harder.

I feel resentful and angry just reading these. God there are some useless men out there.

Me: up all night tending to two poorly preschoolers.

DH: gets up at 7:30 (after at least 8 hours sleep) and takes children for a morning of CBeebies etc

Me: sleeps until 10am

DH: "did you have a nice lie in"

Me: resists urge to stab the bastard!

In all fairness, he didn't mean it like that, he meant "did you get a bit of sleep" but it highlights the profound effect lack of sleep has on a human.

We’re 2 months in with our 2nd child. I utterly resented and hated my DH with our 1st. We were bottle feeding but I did all the night feeds as he said his job was very stressful and needed his sleep. I was hallucinating with sleep deprivation and so refused to drive a car. Things vastly improved when our DS got diagnosed with CMPA and when I got my life back a bit going back to work.

We talked a lot before attempting baby number 2. We are sleeping in shifts in the spare bedroom which has helped so much. Getting 3/4 hours of uninterrupted sleep is enough to keep you going. We also saved up for quite a while for a night nanny who starts soon.

MY husband and I did ok in general, but I remember one particular night when DS1 was about 6 weeks old, maybe younger. I'd been struggling with breastfeeding (hated it) and I think the HV had been round and criticising me about it (she did that a lot, I stopped seeing her fairly soon after that). So I was not coping well.

DH came from work, and to give him his dues, he cooked the tea and cleaned up etc. Then as it was Monday, he had football practice. I asked him not to go as I was really struggling, pinned to the sofa by the never full baby. He suggested we gave a bottle. I caved as I was so sick of breastfeeding, and we did. It was like magic, the kid seemed content at last! HV had dismissed any comments about bottle feeding up to that point and as he was my first and I was clueless, I didn't dare give him a bottle in case I got into trouble (madness looking back, but you can't see through the fog at times!).

Anyway, he then announced that as the baby had settled down, he was going to football, but it was ok, it was only an hour and as soon as he got back, he would help, he would stay up with the baby and let me sleep for a couple of hours.

Except it wasn't, because it was about a 20 minute drive away, plus he needed time at the other end to get ready. So half an hour, hours practice, half an hour back. That's two hours. Then when he got back at about 9.30ish, he couldn't do anything he'd had a shower. Another 15 minutes (he is incapable of a short, quick shower - still drives me to distraction 7 years later!), plus then he needed some food and a drink. So it was more like 10pm. He then offered to take the baby. Bit late, I'd gone to bed. Refused to let him in the room, he had to sleep downstairs.

He genuinely didn't see what he'd done wrong, he'd offered, and totally meant it, to take the baby to help. Except I needed the help at 7/8pm, and by now it was 10pm and gone, and I didn't need the help anymore, I'd struggled through on my own.

He did listen though, and if I asked him to miss training or whatever after that he did. We got through it all, had DS2 and he was great with it all.

But that one night flagged up to me how easy it was for him to walk away from it all, and I knew I needed to do something to make him see that he couldn't do parenting after his hobbies, parenting was 247 and we both had to make sacrifices.

@JayoftheRed I 100% get where you are coming from with that night. It is never just 1 hour.

I want to take the opportunity to tell you that your partner is a dick.

No way should he be going out when your baby is so young. You can't do it, why should he?

He should be there to support you.

I know this thread is a bit of a mix of lighthearted/serious so I thought some of you might appreciate my favourite meme from my breastfeeding days.

Sleep deprivation is one of the hardest things I’ve ever lived through with my twins - I’ve had issues with insomnia most of my life, but it doesn’t compare to the constant struggle of looking after two babies practically on my own.

DS came home from hospital first (both had to spend the first few months of their lives in NICU due to prematurity and low birth weight) and at that point I agreed with DH that it only made sense for me to manage the night feeds as he had work, but I made it abundantly clear that I would need him to step up to the plate when DD joined us at home... he didn’t.

In fact for the first 8-9 months he was horrendous. He would happily get stuck in after getting home from work, but then at 9pm he’d announce he was off to bed and then would seclude himself in the bedroom and watch movies, TV, eat in there and basically checked out of any and all parenting responsibilities until that little window between being home from work and 9pm the following day... it took a very real threat of kicking him out to go and live his lazy arse manchild life elsewhere - it got through and he’s been good since, but we still have moments where it’s like he’s regressing and if he ever goes down that road again, he’s out - and he knows it!

This is why I won't have another child.

My husband was pretty good, all things considered, but it still nearly ended our marriage.

He worked away a lot for 3-4 days at a time and also continued with his hobby whilst I just plummeted into PND.

It's only now, five years on that life is good again. I cannot go through it again, I'm certain it would be the end of our marriage.

Crikey, what a horrific litany of terrible husbands!
My DH was wonderful. I remember begging to be allowed to change a nappy after a fortnight, as DH had done every single one, and he was due to return to work so I needed to learn!
Our DDs were both bottle fed, and DH took a fair share of making them up and feeding, plus getting up at night. He did their baths every night when he got home from work, while I cleared up dinner.
He died when DD2 was only 11 months old, and I still grieve him now, 28 years later. He was the love of my life, and he adored me and the DDs. Nothing was ever too much trouble for him.

Oh my gosh babdoc, I’m so sorry he sounds like he was a wonderful man.

Am so sorry to hear that Babdoc, maybe some of these ladies on here should remember, how fragile life can be. I moaned about my DH snoring on a different site, and was told that for hundreds of thousands of widows, they would love to be in that position.Soon comes to an end, well, I had 2 hours sleep last night after retiring from 25 years of nights, (after several years of breastfeeding)

Ugh I’ve read my comment back and realised how awful it reads against my DH.

Thing is we were both going through some emotionally exhausting crap at the same time and it defaulted to me looking after our twins whilst he retreated into his mental man cave. Neither of us were perfect but god the resentment was all consuming at times!

Since we moved (our previous living situation was a huge contributor to his depression - and mine) and I gave my very sleep deprived but genuine ultimatum - he’s been fantastic and he has admitted on more than one occasion how disappointed he is with himself and his past behaviour.

I tell him to stop focusing on that and just be present, so far so good and we’ve gotten better as a family unit

I posted this initially in a semi lighthearted way as I needed to vent, and although my DH wasn't on top form last night, the rest of the time he's pretty great and we are figuring out this newborn stuff together!

It is an emotive topic though, and it does bring up the fact that for some people lack of support has caused marriage break ups and lots of pain. It equally can be seen as insensitive to those who have lost partners and would do anything to have them snoring next to them again. To all those people, I hope you're managing okay, and can hopefully see this thread for what it was supposed to be... a bit of lighthearted moaning from a very tired and hormonal new mum!

I've just had an hours nap and dinner cooked for me. All is well in the world (I predict until about 3am!)

My 2 have always been little buggers sleepwise. Still breastfeeding youngest so night waking are my department. DH frequently tries to argue that he's more tired than me as he's a shit sleeper and he wakes up when I get up to settle the baby and struggles to get back to sleep. My heart bleeds for him relaxing in bed trying to sleep while I'm perched on a chair in DS's room with him kicking me in the face and pulling my hair while feeding.

I don't think that having a newborn makes you hate your partner, but I think becoming parents puts a spotlight on any inequality in your relationship.

I did! We had been together 12 years and barely argued. But the first 6 weeks of having a baby were tough: sleep deprivation does that to you

I hear you. I had my second 7 months ago. In that time I had to do the overnights as my husband was looking for work and we moved countries. So 2 year old, packing a house, small baby and no family nearby. And a husband who was getting increasingly despondent about not finding work. It was rough. We’ve moved now and he has a job so it’s better but now I have to train him to be as he was. Luckily there were no birth complications or I would not have coped.

Not a mother but I dont like the turn of phrase you use: "helping me".

Except it's not "helping" you is it? Its "caring for his child".