To say having a newborn makes you hate your partner?

[icantgetnosleep8]

I'm writing this after so far having 2 hours sleep and there is an element of light heartedness in this post (although it doesn't feel like it right now).

I'm so tired. 6 week old not sleeping well. Has to sleep on me. DH went on a night out last night - is sleeping in a different room... so far I know he has had 5 hours sleep, with a couple more to go.

This fact alone means I am fantasising about waking him up in the worst ways possible (air horn, ice bucket, running in yelling like a banshee, dropping giant cowpat onto his face)

But in all seriousness, I felt overwhelming love for him when DD was born, but now I resent every minute of sleep or any moment of fun he has and feel any spare time should be spent helping me. I know I am probably being unreasonable - but tell me I'm not alone? If so, what helped??

Ive got a 2 week old ds (second dc) and dh very nearly was pushed out the window this morning when he complained of being run down.. he sleeps through every feed, gets up to do nappy changes (he's still on paternity leave) but goes straight back to sleep while i'm there struggling to stay awake to finish off the other boob! I actually didn't wake dh to help after 11pm last night as he was complaining of feeling under the weather, so he got 7 solid hours of sleep. 🤦‍♀️

Thank god ds settles easily at the moment. Dh is skulking around the house in a mood, being mr cranky pants, while i'm actually holding it together! Ffs.

I know this thread is light hearted but do they not know when to keep their mouths shut?

I still remember one of my brothers' complaining to me about something at the birth of his children where he was uncomfortable from sitting. I said to him I hope you didn't tell her and just moaning to me. He said he didn't. They are still married so looks like he didn't.

Oh and he came in to hospital on day 2 (I'd had a c section) telling me how he'd had such a bad night's sleep and how tired he was.. I'd been up feeding ALL NIGHT. I was not sympathetic.

YANBU - having a baby really, really tests your relationships. I have no idea why struggling couples have a baby because they think it’ll bring them together as the reality is that the baby will just push them even further apart.

When we had our first baby, the first few weeks were absolutely fine but then as the exhaustion caught up with me my tolerance for DH just plummeted. We argued all the time, over anything and it was awful. My DH was incredibly supportive and helpful but I still resented him for the freedom he still dad. I even hated him for being able to leave the house to go to work because it meant leaving me with a non-napping baby who hadn’t slept all night either. All I could think about was him in his office, leisurely drinking hot cups of tea and having nice conversations with his colleagues whilst I was walking the streets for hours on end, crying as I did it, just desperate for the baby to sleep.

By the time our son was 4 months old things had gotten so bad, it felt like we weren’t a team anymore so I went and stayed with my mom. The first he knew about it was when he got home from work and found I wasn’t there. I ultimately stayed with my mom for 5 days and then when I went home we had a good talk about why I was feeling so alone and how I needed him to help me more.

Things did improve but realistically, it wasn’t until our son was about 9-10 months old and sleeping better (after we’d paid for a Sleep Consultant to help us) that things slowly started to return to normal between me and DH. Sleep deprivation is horrendous and the resentment towards the fathers who still get their sleep can build and build until there are explosions!

If we hadn’t paid for the Sleep Consultant abc sorted out our sons sleeping I’m pretty sure me and DH would have separated eventually because of how bad things were.

Once I was getting sleep too things definitely improved.

My DH was very against having a second baby initially and although he had his reasons, I also think he was worried whether our marriage would be tested again in the same way it was with our first and whether our marriage would survive that time.

The newborn phase is hard with a capital AHHHHHHHHH.
I used to hate the sound of my DHs breathing while I was up during the night. I'm sure he felt the same but he just sounded so peaceful! It was maddening!

I remember the days so well. Bottle feeding made it better for me! Dh used to leave for work at 5.30 so would give dd2 a bottle at 5, change her and pop her back in the cot which got her through to a decent hour.

@GreenLeafTurnip ah, your post made me sad/angry for you

If it makes you few any better, I seem to have wiped most memories of the first six weeks of both of my children (and my youngest is only 6m). Having a newborn is tough and no I know I spent a lot of time feeling angry and upset but it’s so weird how a lot of those memories have just been wiped and I know I’m not the only person whose experiences this. It must be something protective to make sure you have another one.

Yeah 10 weeks in with an 18 month old too, I think I might actually die from exhaustion! I was even irrationally jealous when my husband had to stay late in work last night!

Spent the past two years either pregnant or looking after a baby/babies and it’s been a hard ride, he doesn’t fully understand why I’m on the verge of a breakdown sometimes.

Hang in there, it’s crap but it’s not forever.

It didn’t make me hate mine but he didn’t go on nights out until the twins were much older. We had a co sleeper which was on his side of the bed because I was pumping and needed a table... he helped with almost every night waking until they went into their own room at 9 months. Some nights he did them all and occasionally I did.

There’s no way on earth he would have left me to it like this so he could go out and have fun while I was struggling at home.

Of course now they’re 3 and terrible sleepers and DH often just sleeps through their noise, which sometimes drives me insane. He struggles to wake up in the morning even though I’ve had less sleep and I have ME... except last weekend where he managed to wake up to watch the F1 before 6am and I quite wanted to throttle him briefly.

But yeah, if he’d behaved like that when ours were small I would have lost my shit. But then between pumping, two feeds and changes I would never have slept at all without his help.

It’s one thing if he has to sleep because he’s driving a HGV or works for air traffic control, but opting out for the night and sleeping in the spare room so he can go out and get drunk? No chance.

I found that in the first few months me and DH were clinging onto our relationship with our finger tips at times. I really resented that my life had been turned upside down while his was relatively the same (he got uninterrupted sleep, showers and meals and went to work as normal).
As DD slept better things felt better as naturally I was less sleep deprived and once she started going to bed at 7.30 me and DH actually had some time together which made a big difference. Also once DD started napping in her bouncer (rather than on me) I used that time as time for myself and that made a big difference to how I felt.

What is it with these blokes going out and leaving their wives to look after a newborn alone? Bonding with your child is far far more important, In my mind a special occasion isn’t reason enough to leave my wife alone with DD. Work is the only thing I will leave them for. If we go out, we go out together and my mum will watch DD we only just started this at 6 months.

In time we can go back to a semblance of our previous life, but I wouldn’t dream of living as though the baby is “her problem”

I left my dds dad when she was 6 months old because of this sort of shit. She is now 16 and I don’t regret it at all. I would rather be sleep deprived and on my own than feeling the utter resentment of being with someone who doesn’t do fuck all to actually help.

I had my son with my second dh 7 years ago and it was a different experience entirely. Shared nights, shared nappy changes, shared everything. The way it should be.

I agree that the longer it goes on, the worse things will get it you don’t bring it up soon. This is a time of massive change so it’s a good time to set expectations because it will be much harder to do so in a few months.

He had a good night sleep last night, so tonight it’s your turn. You take the spare room, he can bring the baby to you if you bf, otherwise he can do all the feeds. He needs to know what it’s like.

We used to argue down to the minute over who had more sleep 🤣

I did not have this because I bottle fed and both our DC were also fed by dh.

I know this thread is lighthearted, but it isn't really. I'm going to paste below a post/advice from anancientmarinader that I read two years ago, on a thread started by a man who wondered why his post-partum wife wanted to leave him. I saved it and read it repeatedly in the early months, and it remains one of the best things I've ever read on MN:

It all sounds boringly normal tbh. Having a baby and feeling trapped in the home, being exhausted and resentful of the person who gets to leave and carry on with normal life, feeling as though you are doing everything... it's having a baby 101. None of this shit is even touched on by the glossy mum and baby mags, or if it is, it's pathologists and called PND and medicated.

The absolute truth is, having a baby is isolating, bastatdingbastarding hard work, and it never ever ends. If you are in a marriage with the right person, who is genuinely pulling their weight and understanding what an absolute mind fuck it is, you can usually grit your teeth and get through the first five years without divorcing. But that means the partner actually has to understand that you spend six hours a day feeding unable to move, and six hours a day crying because you are trying to get the baby to go to sleep, and all day every day longing to get out of the house.

Are you getting up in the night? How many times is your baby waking? Are you coming in from work and taking over the baby for an hour or two (completely) so that do can leave the house, go anywhere to reduce the cabin fever, or just sleep? Is she getting a few weekends to just disappear and leave you with your child, and go and stay with friends?

Her feelings are quite normal. Most women don't act on them (they frankly don't have the time or the energy as baby care is so exhausting) and marriages scrape by. Both of you understanding that would go a long way to getting through this together. It's easy to believe that other couples are having a fabulous rosy time and feel even more isolated, but this period is seriously hard work, especially for 21st century mamas who have been told they don't need feminism because they are completely equal to men.
Then you have a baby and suddenly you realise you have been fed an absolute lie. Your job is to keep the baby alive and your male partner goes out to work. His life carries on as normal (with the extra kudos of having sired offspring and collected a few adornments to his success story) and the wife's world has reduced to four walls and a baby.
Women get through this a number of ways. They grit their teeth and drag themselves throu (usually by ensuring they get out of the house every single day), they find childcare and go back to work, or they realise that what they are feeling is beyond the normal grim stage and see their gp or HV for advice about PND.

In case you are at all concerned about my cynicism, I've had three kids and been happily married for 19 years. And have absolutely felt the same way as your wife after every single baby, for at least the first year. Once they start walking and talking, it's less traumatic. Fortunately, dh and I were teeth gritters.

Of course, there is the smallest chance (infinitesimal) that this isn't anything to do with having had a baby and her whole life changing (like, seriously, every single facet is no longer about her). In which case, she's still better off co-parenting with you to get through the baby years, with the understanding that you are co-pRenting. And then you can both sort out the new world order, custody, housing, and agree an amicable separation in time.

‘I really resented that my life had been turned upside down while his was relatively the same (he got uninterrupted sleep, showers and meals and went to work as normal).’

This, my husband doesn’t leave me to struggle, he’s fantastic with the children but one of us has to go out and earn a living so it’s more that his life remains largely unchanged whilst I don’t know if I’m having a shit or a haircut some days!!!

My OH has just said 'can we have a day without me complaining how tired I am or that the baby isn't sleeping or that weaning is difficult'. Apparently it's draining him!!!!

The 7 month old is currently waking every hour for a feed, refusing all food (only wants the boob), has gone from being an awesome napper to only napping an hour a day ON ME. Oh and he decided that 4.30am was wake up and party time!

We are supposed to be taking our 5 year old out for the day as it was her bday yest (he's taken holiday and it's inset day).

Quite frankly I'm tempted to pack my bags and fuck off for 48 hours. I'm on my knees with tiredness and everything else.

I HAVE THE RAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm currently getting my revenge our toddler can still be a bit of a rubbish sleeper at times, and is very much an early riser. But I'm pregnant and need my rest, so he does all the night wakings and get ups 👍

These posts have made me feel better / worse in some cases but it's certainly made me feel less alone, thank you!

DH in the whole is pretty good, our new baby has coincided with a new job at a new company, and so he's trying to make a good impression (it was a team night out last night ).
I find myself torn between being angry about his focus at work, and then guilty for adding pressure.

He came in this morning (after 7 hours sleep and a shower) - and saw what must have looked like a deranged looking scarecrow feeding his baby. He made the fatal error of saying "at least you have no plans this morning". He won't be saying they again.

I am going to ask him not to go on nights out whilst DD isn't really sleeping well. Or he can as long as he's here during the day. It's the solid 36 hours on my own after 3-4 hours a night sleep that's killing me. He's promised to take over when he gets back so I can sleep. The day seems awfully long until then!

I think this lasts through the toddler years as well but is particularly tough the first six months. I think it's part biology - your hormones put you off your partner to stop you reproducing too quickly and partly that it is such a massive role change especially as a mum and it takes time to adjust. My dh was particularly useless with our 1st other than changing nappies but was much better second and third time around. I still think there was a good few years where I'd have been happier in an all woman commune .
We are loads happier now the kids are older - it gets better !

A few typos/spelling errors in my response - please don't judge.. I did used to have a brain that worked.

Those also suffering, I really hope it gets better for you too. I want to believe those who say it does!

This isn't something I'd consider common but then my husband took parenting as seriously as I did.

My dh took the baby from 6am to 8am and from 10pm to midnight and I bloody lived for those four hours of sleep in peace without being “on duty” or listening for cries. The nights were still long and tough and lonely but those two hours at the start and two at the end saved my sanity.