To want to know what its like if you have parents who loved you very much and raised you?

[WildflowerFan]

I had an unconventional childhood, didn't grow up with birth parents. Very loved by the person who was my Mum in every way apart from biology.

However. Sometimes I get a mad wistful hunger to know what it must be like, to be born to two people who want to parent you, and who think you're the best thing since sliced bread

What's it like? If you are close to your parents, what are the things you treasure most about your childhood and your relationship with them?

I never questioned my safety, support or love. I always knew they were there for me no matter what I did. My mum once told me when I was little that she’d love me even if I murdered someone. I always remember that. They were strict, and had expectations of my behaviour but very proud of me and treated my bad bits with respect and patience. Not as something to berate me with.

I did have a good childhood. I was very lucky.

I think one takes it for granted to an extent, it is your normal. Looking back, I know how lucky I was and how much I had compared to some. My mum died years ago and I miss her every day. My most treasured memories are of relatively small things- the smell of her getting ready to go out, being swung between my mum and dad when we walked, wrapping paper all over the living room on Christmas morning. I think more than anything, Iooking back as an adult, I just knew I was loved and that is the thing I most want my own dc to know, even though my own family set up is not like I grew up with.

Like having indestructible inner confidence, because the good messages were put in; these people loved my company, sought out conversations with me, listened to me and planned for good things to happen to me. They disciplined me if I went wrong and explained why. They kept me safe. They loved me. Then they turned me loose on the world!

Tbh I think biology is over-rated. My best friend is adopted and the way her parents loved her compared to how my birth parents loved me is the same. In fact I think adoptive parents can perhaps love more, because of what they went through to get the child, the child is so wanted. I think that what you think you are missing out on is a fantasy not reality, I am meaning that kindly. I hope that all makes sense, it was quite difficult to write!

I had a lovely warm, safe childhood as an adored only child and only grandchild. That isn’t to say I was spoiled despite what many on the thread about only children like to say. I was expected to behave reasonably and there were consequences for blips of bad behaviour. There were times in my adult life that they didn’t like me very much because of things that I did but they always kept on loving me. My mother once told me that she would die for me. I knew I was loved until the day my parents died, my mother ten years ago and my dad in 2018. I shall always be grateful that I had that love. One of the saddest realisations for me when they died was that I knew I would never know complete and unconditional love like that again.

I'm adopted but I had that childhood from my parents. I always knew they would find everything I and my sister did - and our husbands and our children when they joined us- utterly engaging. They were just so interested in us. They were also very overtly loving and affectionate but it is the interest I miss the most these days. Not just in me but in my friends and everything about me. One of my friends from college told me a story the other day and I instantly thought "oh I wish dad was here so I could tell him he'd find it so funny" and part of the reason he'd find it so funny/interesting was that it had happened to my best friend - they loved and were interested in everything about me.

The biggest thing I think I got from it was I had a very very strong sense of what I deserved in a husband. My sister and I are very different and our husbands are very different - on the surface. What unites them is their values, their love for their wives, their devotion to family - just like my dad and mum.

I have known my biological mother for many years now and I know she loves me and I love her. But I also know that no-one - not even her - will ever be as interested in me as my mum and dad were. I hope my own children feel the same from me.

I was very lucky. My parents were not perfect but my sister and I were loved by them and by our wider family so much. Our parents were close with their parents (our grandmother's, sadly our grandads died young) and our aunts and uncles, so we're saw plenty of our cousins. Because of this I have always felt very loved, always had friends and always felt part of something bigger then me. I have strong roots, which gave me confidence and I feel lucky. I hope to give my children the same one day. The one thing I worry I won't do as well is that my mum is gifted at making things feel special. Nothing is too much trouble and she loves to make a fuss.

Not everyone has a loving relationship with their biological parents but I could not have been more fortunate. I always felt very loved and secure. Knowing my beloved late Mum adored me and that I was her special most important girl in the world was wonderful and has stood me in good stead all my life giving me the absolute confidence to trust in myself. I carry her in my heart now; she is with me always. I love her beyond words and miss her so much but am eternally grateful for the time we had together. I think that such a strong loving connection doesn't have to be biological to be so special. All love is a profound gift to be much cherished

It’s knowing that no matter what you do, where you are, how old you are, someone has your back. Meaning, someone always puts your best interests first, whether you know it or not, like it or not.

Practically, this means you grow up knowing what unconditional love is, how it feels. You witness the sacrifices involved, the joy your sheer existence brings someone. It makes it much easier to do the same for your own children when the time comes, and hopefully so it repeats down the generations.

It also means the most astonishing loss, when the time comes. Breathtaking loss. The lows are as low as the highs are high.

It also means the most astonishing loss, when the time comes

tbh I didn't feel that astonishing loss - partly because my parents lived to a good old age but mostly because they had set me up to be in relationships with husband/friends/children that were as nurturing as theirs was with me. So I missed them terribly for who they were (to this day there are things I wish I could tell them) but I didn't feel any less loved.

I really don't know and I was raised by my biological parents.

As an adult looking back, there were things done that were clearly very wrong (physical abuse/violence from mother, manipulative behaviour from her, verbal/psychological abuse from both).

THere were also brilliant experiences and happy times, but I can't look back and truly say I felt secure and loved by them then, nor by my Dad now, he is elderly and as self centered as he has always been.

There were certainly times I found more security, safety, and love, from other peoples parents, than from my own (and I am truly grateful they were there and I have made sure where I can, I have let them know that.)

I have to take the view that I am grateful for what I did have, rather than being bitter about what I didn't have or the things that shouldn't have happened, or it will poison my life now.

astonishing loss

Astonishing in its breadth and depth. Nobody loves you like your parents do (and nobody will love my children like I do). My partner is my equal, we’re on the same level. Once you and your siblings become the eldest generation, everything changes. You know it’s coming (ideally, hopefully), so it’s not shocking. Maybe it depends on your age when it happens.

7salmon I can understand whyyou feel like you do. I was in my 40s when my parents died. But in the end of the day what I felt their love gave me was a belief that I am lovable and deserve love so when they died I had relationships that reinforced that in a major way .

We didn't have a flashy childhood and there were no massive declarations or shows of love, but there was so much affection and giggling and, as previous posters have said, so much interest. My mother was interested in my life, listened when I talked, and thought and cared and planned and engaged with me in a way that I hope I am doing for my DC. It has given me a confidence: I am worthy to be loved, I deserve to be treated well, etc. And also a desire to spread that around, to treat others well, to be kind.
I wasn't an always an easy child (loved an argument, always had an answer) but she treated even my flaws with respect and attention, like she loved me despite them and wasn't trying to erase my stubbornness and pride, but sort of help me make it something that helped me instead of got in my way. Does that make sense?

She was (and is) a bloody lovely mum. I can see from how she engages with her grandchildren that she's gifted with just really, really enjoying children, but she also puts the work in, and meets them on their level. It doesn't mean bad behaviour gets a pass, at all, but that she doesn't expect a 7 year old to be an adult and then get cross when they're not.

Plus, we joke around with her a lot. We all still do. It's really special.

The biggest thing I think I got from it was I had a very very strong sense of what I deserved in a husband. My sister and I are very different and our husbands are very different - on the surface. What unites them is their values, their love for their wives, their devotion to family - just like my dad and mum. This, as @pallisers said. And it's lovely to have parents who put family and children at the centre. I am trying hard to do the same with my DDs. The other wonderful benefit is that they are wonderful grandparents, the DGC mean the world to them.

No idea. My mum enables my dads emotional abuse of all of her kids then made excuses for him.

OP I listened to Michelle Obama's audiobook (read by her, which is important here) and hearing her mention, almost in passing sometimes, things about her relationship with her parents was a real eye opener for me. I had absolutely no idea what it would be to feel loved and accepted, and not afraid. She conveys it without directly meaning too (it's not what the book is specifically about).

There was a ad on tv when I was younger about a girl who had ready break for breakfast. It gave her a glow as she walked to school through the rain.
That what my parents made me feel like. A inner glow. I knew I was loved.

My parents unconditional love made me able to do anything. They’re like an invisible net. They’re truly joyful about my successes and quietly stoic in defeats. Their love extends through me to my son and it doesn’t diminish whatever the circumstances. If only you could bottle it.

I am adopted my biological mother was only 15 in the early 70's I never, never doubted for once how much I was loved by my adopted patents so I agree a lot of people can make a baby but it takes take even more to be a parent than just having the same biology.

My folks loved and supported me but were not perfect and we butted heads at times and I think thats normal and important for resilience in life ( they died young and I miss them loads)
Don’t get wistful about a fantasy but count your blessings your life could have been so much worse

Gosh I knew I had missed out and that it affected me every day but this thread has made me realise how different my life would be if my parents had loved me in the way that you all describe. Not being loved like that is a hole that can never be filled. I feel it right in my chest.

I have been fortunate to experience unconditional love though with my son. It is me giving it but it still gives me an idea of the power of it and I hope that my son will feel the way that you all do and will go through life protected by my love for him.

I had good parents and a lovely upbringing.
I treasure all my happy memories
They were close to my children too
It makes you miss them loads when they’re gone
I’m also an only child so no one my age to reminisce with although I can chat to my cousins about them but onlyin their latter years
I don’t think that’s very helpful is it
I’m 67 mums been gone three years next month, over 20 For dad
I was robbed of the last ten years of my mums life as she got dementia

It’s wonderful

The only downside is that I never feel I can do the same for my own to their standard.

It was a wonderful secure llckng childhood. I have to be honest though - exceptionally privileged (huge house, private schooling, sahm etc), which probably helped

I found it quite hard, as a teen

All this love and attention and these high expectations. At 15 I started to dream of escaping and starting my own life.

I was never allowed to make mistakes, my grades were fretted over, personally it made me feel suffocated and I would have liked less attention and for my parents to have more if a life outside being parents.

Ungrateful probably

It did give me very high self esteem/confidence, which has been invaluable in life and work.

Basically, up to 12 I loved it, as a teen it was a burden, in my 20s I lived abroad and saw my parents once a year, in my 30s I had kids and realised how good my parents really were, in my 40s I have a good relationship with them

But I still have a few hangups about being “controlled” and not being able/allowed to make any mistakes ever