To want to know what its like if you have parents who loved you very much and raised you?

[WildflowerFan]

I had an unconventional childhood, didn't grow up with birth parents. Very loved by the person who was my Mum in every way apart from biology.

However. Sometimes I get a mad wistful hunger to know what it must be like, to be born to two people who want to parent you, and who think you're the best thing since sliced bread

What's it like? If you are close to your parents, what are the things you treasure most about your childhood and your relationship with them?

This thread, for some inexplicable reason, has provoked a massive amount of emotion, anguish and pain. I need to go visit Nan's grave. Like, now. Funny how the location is embedded in my head despite having not been there for over 30 years.

I was brought up by biological parents. My dad moved out when I was 11. I know my mum loved me, I think my dad did (does maybe..no contact for 10 years now). My home life was abusive and I did not have the feelings of safety and security that I am hoping my DD has. And I make sure I tell her that I love her all the time. I was never sure of it with my parents. My DD knows that I love her.

it's the real true superpower isn't it, good parents who are decent people and love you unconditionally 💗

@1984isnow I was always quite surprised and taken aback if a boyfriend or potential boyfriend didn't treat me well. And would rapidly conclude there must be something wrong with them....

But I did see plenty of friends who unfortunately drew the opposite conclusion.

I do think that a happy childhood and loving parents can help to set children up with high self esteem. It's not to do with being arrogant. It's to do with feeling that you deserve to be loved because you were always loved growing up.

@WildflowerFan - I think you had that, it is just that your parents adopted you. Please remember that being placed for adoption isn't a reflection on you, more the situation your birth parents were in at the time - depending on how old you are, that could be not being allowed to parent due to not being married, or it could be things like poverty. Nowadays it's usually due to addiction, mental health, abuse and neglect. And I don't negate how hard that is to know about your family of origin.

Have you had any counselling related to adoption? Please know your feelings are very normal. Wishing you the very best.

@wonderinglilli

Ah, was feeling a bit down about this thread (although I do approve of a happy childhood thread for a change!) before I read your post - it really touched me. Congratulations on your little girl!

this thread is really so interesting. i have always wondered what it would have been like to have had that basic foundation of feeling loved completely and unconditionally. my upbringing was very very abusive and they still hurt me even now. it must make you so secure in yourself, i think that's why i struggle with self esteem. anyone who also didn't have that love, how have you built up self esteem by yourself? i have always felt something basic missing and always felt a bit lost and lonely. i have always been drawn to kind motherly older women at work etc and i have always wished i had had a "real" mother. i don't know how to come to terms with that. especially since having my children, so much of what happened to me i just cannot comprehend. my children will never ever feel like i did. anyway, a bit rambly but would love to hear if anyone found anything that helped. i have had some counselling but not recently

Thank you all for posting, I'm just reading through and only on page 2 at the moment but am very thankful to read your thoughts on this. Both from the people who had two loving parents, and from the people who had one or neither

My Mum was amazing and she passed away in my twenties so I do have a real understanding of the astonishing loss. She loved me so much and I loved her so much and I don't think I had fully realised how much I missed from my birth parents until she was gone because she protected me and left me feeling no doubt how special I was. I do love my birth mum, I just have some very complicated feelings there.

But I struggled in my twenties once Mum died and I felt very alone. Although I do know of course others lose their parents at a much younger age, I was lucky to be an adult facing into that loss.

This thread does show how complicated it is when you don't have automatic love from your parents.

I think I phrased wrong by mentioning biology in my OP.

It definitely isn't that I think DNA is in itself something sacred that makes birth parents more special. No, not that at all - I think, in my opinion, it's that children born to birth parents who want them and love them and have the emotional maturity to look after them properly - miss out on a element of rejection present in their very first relationships when they enter the world.

I wish I hadn't known rejection so early on, from the day I was born, because I think it adds something confusing to a small child, and later on confronting it as an adult it was painful. I am very lucky, I have a wonderful DP and nice friends and happy now apart from as I said a deep longing at times to know eg what it's like to have a dad. I had some very, very difficult times when younger.

Oh god I just read some of that thread and it made me cry a bit! The woman who said that her mum couldn't really talk anymore but she just said the word 'beautiful' to her. That's how I feel about my children, they are beautiful. Isn't that so lovely that she felt so loved and cherished? I think that I honestly felt that my grandparents felt like that about me, they loved me unconditionally so I was lucky in that respect. Guess what? Narc stepfather hated it (what a surprise!) and used to take the piss out of them/me when we at home saying in a high pitched voice 'oh xxxx can do no wrong' 'oh xxxxx what do you want for tea' etc etc. He was jealous of the relationship, I understand that. But what a prick eh? He was literally going in about it a couple of months ago, even though my gran died a decade ago!

Oops I meant to post this on a different thread! Sorry it's not nice! X

Ditto @EmrysAtticus

I had my biological parents but don't know what it's like to be loved. I don't ever remember them cuddling me or telling me they loved me, they mostly just kept to themselves.
Even now as an adult they frown on a lot of my decisions and the fact I work etc my mum never worked and thinks women shouldn't work.
I have 2 DC and they have never been affectionate to them at all or had them to sit on their laps etc
Luckily they have me to say I love them every single day

I was unwanted by a narcissist mother, who never gave me an ounce of affection. I was shouted at as a 4 year old with a chest infection, for keeping my parents awake with my coughing. I was dragged down a staircase by one leg, by my aggressive father, who beat his children with a horsewhip and pulled us about by our hair. I was criticised on a daily basis and nothing I ever did was good enough.
I grew up with no self esteem and no knowledge of what it is to be loved.
I think it’s like building a house with no foundations. It’s impossible to have a secure emotional structure and sense of self, without a loving childhood. I don’t think it matters whether the parents are biological or adoptive, but the love is essential.
I was beyond fortunate in meeting my wonderful DH, who unpicked all the damage and loved me unconditionally, right up to his untimely death at 36.
Our two DDs were babies and don’t remember DH at all, but I used everything I learned from him, to be a loving parent to them. I only used my own parents as role models of how NOT to parent!

For me, I'm struck by how much I took it for granted and didn't appreciate it.

I had two loving parents who loved and liked each other, and loved us. My childhood was golden. Safe, secure, rock solid.

After I left home, when I phoned home and Mum answered and realised it was me - it sounded like all her Christmases had come at once.

Like many others, my relationship model meant that non-decent men didn't get beyond exchanging a few words with me. I look back fondly on all my exes, but struck the jackpot with DH. I also know that together we're providing that same model for DD - and DS.

But yes, more than anything, I had no idea how lucky I was. I thought everyone had what my brother and I had.

It was only as I began to get an adult understanding of the world, to have my own DC, that I began to be truly appreciative and grateful. And coming on here. It's such an eye-opener.

I do have one memory - at high school, we had another out-of-town school's orchestra come to visit us, and the girls were all placed with each one of us to stay with our families. One girl was apparently very anxious and upset at being away from her family and with strangers. She was put with us, because my Mum was the most warm, loving person you could imagine. She made everyone feel safe in such a lovely, non-overbearing way.

I lost my Mum at 29 and my Dad at 41. I feel that although life hasn't been fair in that respect, it's made up by how well they set me up for life, and to raise my own children. I feel very secure in myself, in my place in the world, in my right to be loved, to have a decent, kind, caring man. I am grateful to have had them for as long as I did.

I do miss them so much. I would give anything for my Mum to have met my two.

Babdoc thank goodness for your DH, and I'm so sorry for your loss.

My parents weren't perfect and parts of my childhood were traumatic but never for a moment did I doubt how much they loved us- they listened to us, tried to spend time alone with my sister and I giving us their attention (they had 5 jobs between them so it was a challenge) and we were always showered with affection, well dressed and well fed, even though they often didn't have enough money. I know they went without at times for our sakes.

The main thing that I would change is that because my sister developed severe MH issues, I did not feel I could tell them I was being abused by someone in a position of trust because they were already so overwhelmed with her problems. This kept me silent for a number of years- and then when I did speak out, their reaction was in some ways difficult. My dad still can't speak about it, and I disclosed nearly 12 years ago. I was angry about this for a long time, but have more empathy towards them now as I understand that their adverse childhood experiences/relationships with their parents impacted them and continue to do so (my DM is still rigourously controlled by my DGM 😥).

Despite this, I absolutely adore them and see them as two of my best friends. They are loving and kind and support my decisions. They will make amazing grandparents to my DD when she's born in a couple of months.

Biology doesn’t matter. I grew up with 2 biological parents and I remember wishing everyday that I was accidentally swapped at birth and my “real” parents would find me. Of course that never happened as these people were my real parents. They never said even to this day they loved me. They never had time for me. I was very neglected. I only realise now the extent as I’ve gotten older. Be grateful for your adopted mum, sounds like you were loved, something I would have given anything for. Even now my parents are alive but I feel alone as they never have my best interest and they couldn’t care less about me or my kids. You are very lucky to have a loving mother in your life

I grew up in foster care for the first ten years; some abuse, some neglect, a lot of sadness and wishing my days away. I was adopted by an absolutely batshit pair of parents at 10, who adored (in fact present tense - they still adore) me to the point of madness.

So I know both sides; the wanting to belong, the needing to find my roots, the wanting to be the world to someone.

What I've learned as I've grown up is that you get to choose. You get to choose which type of person, parent, partner you want to be. I get to choose every day to be the best Mother I can be. I get to choose to adore the bones of them the way my adoptive parents adored me. I get to undo all the shit from the first ten years and live a different life than the one I was born into. My adoptive parents, I believe, loved and nurtured me enough to undo the hurt, pain and violence of my childhood and the enormity of that has only struck me since I became a parent and learned about the world. As a child I had no idea how utterly blessed I was to be placed with them. It makes me more sad now to see that so many children never experience that; I had to wait ten years but I'd have waited another ten if it meant finding those exact parents.

I had what can only be described as an Enid Blyton type childhood. Loving parents not gushy or cuddly necessarily but I just knew I was loved and precious from their actions. Loving extended family and brother cousins and family seaside holidays. Good home and big garden to play in endlessly. Not a lot in materialistic terms but always saved for a summer holiday in the UK.
The unconditional love is like an armour you wear all your life, and even though I don’t have my mum anymore I still feel like she’s built her love into me like steel.
You feel like you always have a plan B never vulnerable to being homeless or hungry as they can always be there for you. Also agree with people who mentioned the interest in all your mundane news or the fact you have bought new shoes or have a cold.
Even in my 40’s now my mum would text me to drive carefully if weather was bad so it’s the small things as well as the bigger things.

I had the biological part but not the other stuff so can't really help.

I was hated as a child! My mother became pregnant at 18 to the very good looking, rich boy from the next county, (Ireland), who obviously didn't want her once he had his fun. Mid 50's, very Catholic family where a b child was totally unacceptable. The whole family hated me!

Mother married a vile man when I was 4. They moved miles away and had their own family. I was left with relatives who made it clear I was the work of the devil.

Moved to Northern England and lived alone from being 15. Met my fantastic DH when I was 21, had my only dc 15 years later. Unfortunately, our DD has SLD but is totally loved. She is now mid 20's and is stunningly beautiful - a legacy from my absent father 😂 - and is supremely confident, is adored by everyone and never for a second doubts that people will like her. I had appalling self esteem and still do. Despite having an excellent, well paying career, I was bullied terribly in the workplace and only really knew a form of peace when I set up my own small business and ran this for the last 17 years of my working life. Took early retirement a few years ago. Have been NC with any family for almost 30 years.

I know I am very lucky! We are financially very comfortable, we have a terrific marriage of over 40 years and a gorgeous dd despite her difficulties and we are all in good health. However, I still, to this day, have no real friends, won't have my photograph taken as I always look fat and ugly despite knowing realistically I am neither, and constantly feel like a second class citizen. My fabulous dd is totally the opposite as she is incredibly secure in our love for her. The greatest gift you can give any child IMO.

I wouldn't say I'm close to my parents in any real emotional way, they're not that kind of people but what they did do for me was create a completely secure environment where no matter what went wrong I could tell them and they'd help me sort it out. That creates an amazing freedom and sense of self worth.

I think it’s like building a house with no foundations. It’s impossible to have a secure emotional structure and sense of self, without a loving childhood. I don’t think it matters whether the parents are biological or adoptive, but the love is essential.

Great analogy @babdoc , also have a narc mother.

The only two people who love me utterly unconditionally in this world are my parents. They would do anything for me, and are the only to people who truly have my back and always will. I had a wonderful childhood and it’s given me an unshakeable sense of self worth and so much confidence. I desperately want to provide my future child/ren with the love and life my parents have given me.