To think plenty of husbands are like mine re housework?

[NewYorkYankee]

This is a bit lighthearted by the way.. I have read a few threads on here recently talking about DH's who don't lift a finger around the home or do any chores. (NB I'm not talking about the violent / abusive ones, just the ones who don't do their share). I have always wanted to ask about this. I imagine there must be quite a few women (for now I think this discussion mainly applies to straight couples) out there like me who have DH's who grew up in homes where the Mum did all the housework and the Dad expected to be waited on hand and foot. Hence DH and his brother grew up not knowing how to do anything round the home, do laundry, cook dinner etc, whilst his sisters all cooked and cleaned from a young age.

I met DH when he was at Uni and by then he had taught himself the bare necessities, however he still wasn't very proficient at things like cooking a healthy meal from scratch (and not from a freezer), cleaning thoroughly etc. Amazingly, I still found him attractive, and once we lived together he took it upon himself to get better at certain chores because he realised he wouldn't be pulling his weight otherwise. So now he does 50% of chores, but I'm still the better cook and the more thorough cleaner. I guess it's the same old issue that I've seen posted on here that his 'standards' are lower. e.g. he doesn't care if there are things on the surfaces and I do. I know that it could be argued this is just an excuse so he doesn't have to work as hard at the cleaning or whatever, but AIBU to think that men like this genuinely do have lower standards sometimes?

Every time I read a thread about this, MN users are urging the woman to LTB. But surely I can't be the only one with a DH a bit like this? How do other couples with husbands and wives like us manage this?

It depends on the attitude.
If, for example, he does it badly and says,
"Well you're just better so you may as well do it" then he's a douche.
Or if he does thing really ineptly and you highlight it and he continues to be inept... Well, let's put it this way, could he get away with hot arsing jobs at work? No cause he's get sacked.. at home.. well he won't, sone be will just finish the half arsed job.
If, however, he does jobs to a decent standards but your standards are far higher then I'd recommend giving him set tasks and then YOU LEAVE THEM TO HIM... No dipping your fingers in to finish off or touch up "oo I'll just wipe that" nope, his job is his job and you never touch it...

Hope that makes sense.. 😂😂

Yup. We used to have a cleaner, we currently don't and I threaten to have her back unless he does his share

I imagine there must be quite a few women out there like me who have DH's who grew up in homes where the Mum did all the housework and the Dad expected to be waited on hand and foot.

How old are you? If you are in your 50s then yes this could apply, but surely no-one born from about the mid 80s would have parents like that?

Yanbu. Mine sort of tries and has good intentions but he just doesn't notice things the way I do, and he kind of also doesn't care. For example he lived with a male friend for a bit post uni and they never cleaned the toilet properly in a year .

My DH has higher standards than I do. We probably do about 50/50 around the house because I do most of the cooking (I enjoy it) and the washing (I work from home and shoving a wash on can be done while I'm making a cuppa) but he's much more likely than me to run the Hoover round or tidy up the crap that accumulates on surfaces.

Retreating omg loads of people born in 80s had parents like that, most of my friends mums were SAHM and even those that weren't did basically everything domestically.

Mine & DHs were both like this. My dad still tries to get any female to wait on him despite years of everyone not doing it

RetreatingWeasels we would live in a better world if that was the case. It may seem alien to you and me but unfortunately many people born in the 80's had such parenting. DH's Mum is in her 50's. She's never worked.

I know a few couples where the woman has lower standards than the man so it might not necessarily be a male thing...it would be very unlikely in a relationship that both of you had the same standards. I think the important thing is compromise. If one of you let's some things go, and one of you does things they dont think really always need doing to meet in the middle

We both have low standards and are lazy so it works for us.

We don't do 50/50 but that's probably more due to circumstances. I work from home and he has a 2 hour commute each way so by the time he's home (10pm most days) and by the time he's home I've done the cleaning/cooking.

Weekends are different, he'll help out but neither of us really do cleaning or cooking at the weekends (or as little as we can get away with). We go out to eat a lot over the weekend or visit friends/family and do things out of the house.

If he was around more then he would help out more.

We both have low standards and are lazy so it works for us.

Ditto. We don't do 50/50. It's more like 25/25.

Everyone has flaws. This is just his flaw. Luckily, it is something he can work on quite easily if he's inclined. It isn't like a deep seated character flaw that stems from a cold mother and an abusive father. He just needs step by step cleaning instructions.

@RetreatingWeasels I was born in the late 80s and my parents are EXACTLY like that! My mum waits on my dad - he wouldn’t know how to make a dinner, wash clothes, turn on a hoover, or anything. She carries his food to him and collects the dishes when he’s done like a waitress.

I never noticed it growing up but as an adult now it blows my mind! I did ask her today what would happen to him if she died?

It’s nothing to do with physical ability by the way - they’re both self employed still and work full time.

DH was a really good cook when i met him (and still is) but god knows who dealt with the aftermath when he and his flatmate lived together. I'm sure he uses at least 30% more utensils/pans than are strictly neccessary and rarely does any clearing up afterwards. I get fucking a bit peed off with it and once left some pans to see how long it would be before he washed them. It was nearly a week!!
To add, if i cook, i still do all the washing/clearing up and cooking is his main contribution which he does because he enjoys it so i don't categorise that in the same way as other chores. To be fair i would probably enjoy cooking more if i didnt have to put the ingredients away or wash up afterwards!!

My dp geniuinley doesn't even notice mess, he would never think to empty a bin or hoover and he is the laziest person I've ever met when I comes to picking up after himself. Most of the time it's just easier and quicker if I do it myself.

My DH is much fussier than me when it comes to cleaning and tidying. So we've naturally fallen into a routine of him leading on the cleaning type tasks (vacuuming, dusting, general tidying) and I tend to do more of the functional stuff (cooking, laundry, ironing).

Overall it tends to work out roughly 50/50 for us.

I don't think that the problem is due to differing levels of standard.
Mine has always done his share and often taken up the slack.
His standards are higher than mine, due to an unfortunate childhood of neglect.
We joke that I do the work and he finishes it off.
Our lads were raised to be able to do all domestic chores, childcare as they have a much younger sister, DIY, gardening, basic car repairs.
You need to prepare your kids for life, it's your job as a parent.
I don't mean we made them our slaves but the emphasis was on one washes, one dries and one puts away, whoever you are in the family.

I understand not seeing the mess as I do this too, it used to drive my dh to distraction but after 30+ years he's used to it now.

My husband grew up with a father who worked and a mother who managed the servants. He went to boarding school where the cooking, cleaning, laundry etc was all done for him.

He can do housework, cook meals, do DIY, and all the rest, perfectly well.

He learnt as he went along.

He has learnt to do lots of other things that he wasn't taught during his upbringing too.

He can use a spreadsheet, install a bathroom, put a canoe on top of a car, work out how to use airmiles to book a free flight, install software, and many many other things.

His dad didn't show him this stuff. He just learns when he needs to. It's just not that hard.

I think whether or not someone of either sex was taught to cook or clean is largely irrelevant. It takes no skill whatsoever to clean or do laundry, and the world is rife with easy cookery books and foolproof online recipes. The chief difference is that women are still to a large extent socialised to feel that a grubby house and a supermarket ready meal is a personal moral failing and men are not. The regular thread about what time do you get to ‘sit down’ at night is full of women apparently unable to relax if there are dirty dishes in the sink and unwiped surfaces, and I cannot imagine many men feel this. In part, of course, because a woman who has been taught to mind about the mess more is likely to act on it first before they are, thereby giving rise to the notion that women are ‘naturally’ more inclined to domestic chores, and men are dirt-blind.

Oh and my stepdad grew up in squalor, yet his house is immaculate.

Well said Heronry!

Germaine Greer figured this out ages ago. Males do housework in a shitty way because then they know females will just do it instead. She figured this out from platonic uni flatmates where the women did most of the housework despite it being outside the conventions of a intimate relationship.

Ditto. We don't do 50/50. It's more like 25/25.
Ha ha!

Me and DH are in our thirties and his mum did everything for him and his dad at home whereas my parents both worked and things were shared.
I probably do end up doing more but DH does all the cooking so the amount of time we spend doing things is about the same. He’s not good with tidying up though so it’s me that ends up doing the majority of that as he doesn’t care about the kids toys being tidied up at the end of the day etc

My DH and I are luckily both OCD about neatness and cleanliness and are so very compatible, living in a house which sparkles. I do more than him around the house but it is because I am a control freak and like to be in charge. We fight over some jobs, for example, the ironing.

But we are a bit weird, I admit.