To think plenty of husbands are like mine re housework?

[NewYorkYankee]

This is a bit lighthearted by the way.. I have read a few threads on here recently talking about DH's who don't lift a finger around the home or do any chores. (NB I'm not talking about the violent / abusive ones, just the ones who don't do their share). I have always wanted to ask about this. I imagine there must be quite a few women (for now I think this discussion mainly applies to straight couples) out there like me who have DH's who grew up in homes where the Mum did all the housework and the Dad expected to be waited on hand and foot. Hence DH and his brother grew up not knowing how to do anything round the home, do laundry, cook dinner etc, whilst his sisters all cooked and cleaned from a young age.

I met DH when he was at Uni and by then he had taught himself the bare necessities, however he still wasn't very proficient at things like cooking a healthy meal from scratch (and not from a freezer), cleaning thoroughly etc. Amazingly, I still found him attractive, and once we lived together he took it upon himself to get better at certain chores because he realised he wouldn't be pulling his weight otherwise. So now he does 50% of chores, but I'm still the better cook and the more thorough cleaner. I guess it's the same old issue that I've seen posted on here that his 'standards' are lower. e.g. he doesn't care if there are things on the surfaces and I do. I know that it could be argued this is just an excuse so he doesn't have to work as hard at the cleaning or whatever, but AIBU to think that men like this genuinely do have lower standards sometimes?

Every time I read a thread about this, MN users are urging the woman to LTB. But surely I can't be the only one with a DH a bit like this? How do other couples with husbands and wives like us manage this?

I see the same with my DD who has a boyfriend. Living together 3 or 4 years now. He comes from a home where he had a single mother and a brother. The mother made them do their fair share of chores, as she didn't want them sitting idle, or thinking the woman should do everything.

Yet, my DD still does almost everything around the house. He will do/has done a little bit of DIY, but will usually get someone do do stuff for him - like a mate or a male relative. DD, despite being a professional in a good job, and something of a feminist, still does the lion's share of the housework!

Even though she said hell will freeze over before she does all the housework, she still does (most of) it! It's almost like these men (young and old and in between) have an inbuilt mentality that housework is 'womans work' and they will not do 'womans work.' Yep, even the young ones.

It makes me mad when women say (and I do it myself,) 'it's easier and quicker for me to just do it.' Coz that's how they GET you! They give lacklustre performances with housework, so you feel you may as well do it yourself!

DD has fallen into this trap too 'oh well I do it quicker and better!' SO her boyfriend gets away with sitting on his arse while she does everything. He will cook about a third of the time but she does everything else.

My other DD lives alone, ergo does nothing for any man luckily!

I fear for my DD, that that they'll end up as a domestic servant when/if they have kids, and they will end up doing everything, while he sits on his arse, or gallivants about spending time away from the home doing various 'man' hobbies.

I genuinely think it's the mentality of men. Purely anecdotal I know, but I don't know, and have NEVER known one single man who does more housework/household chores than the woman. Even the ones who live alone, either live in a shit tip OR they hire a cleaner.

Most men don't live alone because they want to, it's often because they're forced to/have no choice, and so the housework is unlikely to be done well - if at all. And if it IS done, it will be a cleaner or some female relative doing it.

DH is a bit like this. He happily does 50% of the housework and is better and more thorough at some things (hoovering / ironing) than me BUT a few years ago we were cleaning and I cleaned the skirting boards, doors, light switches and bannister. He was [shocked] as he hadn't noticed the build up of grime and said it would never occur to him to ever do that.
He also doesn't think to change the bedding.

He's not a bad man or horrible to live with. We just balance it out - I do the things he wouldn't think of and he does the things I don't want to do (mostly sorting the garden and the bins).

On the flip side of this- MIL does no housework, never has. Her husband does it as left to her own devices she would live in dirt.
And DF doesn't do his share (never has) but when he cleans, he is more thorough than dm or I would ever be which is why dm stops him because hoovering takes him hours

@Henory Yes! I can’t stand a messy house- but he can, and we try to do 50/50 but I’m more impatient as I like to feel my house is presentable for my benefit as much as any perceived nosey visitors! Altho I’m learning to leave the sink and put it ‘ in soak’ cos that’s his trigger haha!

Ditto. We don't do 50/50. It's more like 25/25.

OMG, stealing this!

Except ours is 25:25:50 - the 50 being the cleaner.

The mental load can't get either of you if you don't give a fuck.

(Strangely, our house is also pretty damn clean and tidy - 10m sweep from being guest-ready, I'd say. I guess because we don't cook a lot, and our hobbies don't cause mess!)

We do 80/20 except he does 80 and I do 20

And I will admit I only do 20 because he nags me to do it.

I am the better cook though and do most of the cooking (but I enjoy it so I don't see it as work)

My parents were born in the 50s and I would say housework and cooking was about 70/30 in my dads favor

Dh was born in the 80s and his mum did everything for him and his dad. Dh is a tiny bit better then he used to be but he's still shit at everything

I think the reason that women tend to have higher standards or feel under more pressure to keep a tidy house is because they know it’s them who will be judged for it.

If a couple has friends over and the house is a state, it’s the woman in the couple who will be judged as responsible. Men don’t get that same pressure. They’re not held to the same standard as women.

Maybe generally but I'm not one of those people who have really high standards anyway, DHs is as high if not higher than mine(which isn't massively high) tbh

I moaned at mine last night for leaving the butter, knife and empty bread packet after settling down to eat his sandwich. I was called a dictator especially after the day he had (?). He sulked all evening and this morning. He does (never did) nothing around the house at all. I'm a sahm

@Lorraine1983 these are conversations I have with my teenage son but he;s not brave enough to whinge about it. Sounds like a proper entitled manchild you have there.

The generalisations on here are bugging me. I don't feel under any more pressure than DH to keep the house clean and tidy. I don't feel judged that our house is not a show home any more than he does.

Maybe it's because I don't tend to invite round the sort of people who judge you for not having a show home?

This is such a fascinating thread. DH and I both grew up in the 80s and I’m from a household where my mum didn’t work, waited on my father and brothers hand and foot (& now does my husband) and expects all domestic/child related duties to be the woman’s responsibility. Still does, in spite of the fact I work ft and am the main breadwinner.

My husband on the other hand has a disabled mother and his father worked and did all the housework. Although it isn’t a lot of housework as they live in clutter and eat mainly ready meals.

Yet we are still exactly as you describe, he does his fair share but is far less thorough and can ignore mess while I can’t. He’s also a lot less efficient and will spend half the time thinking about what needs to be done, whereas I just do it. He also can’t seem to ever put the cleaning products away as if to show me look I’ve done some cleaning!

Part of my thing is that I am generally house proud- as in I really enjoy interior design as a hobby, and you can't really make the most of that if the place is untidy or there's washing up everywhere. DH likes my interior design taste but if left to him would choose functionality or boys toy type furniture and therefore the mess doesn't bother him as much.

We are getting a cleaner starting next month and I can't wait. I see it as an investment in the longevity and harmony of our marriage.

@HoldMyLobster I think most of the "judgement" some women feel is from within rather than because they have judgemental friends. It's down to the inner parental voice and childhood programming mixed with societal conditioning.

I think most of the "judgement" some women feel is from within rather than because they have judgemental friends. It's down to the inner parental voice and childhood programming mixed with societal conditioning.

Interesting, but again that's a generalisation. When I hear a judgemental voice in my head it's usually my MIL or SIL, and I know my sister hears her MIL and SIL too - we've talked a lot about it.

DH likes my interior design taste but if left to him would choose functionality or boys toy type furniture and therefore the mess doesn't bother him as much

Also interesting. I couldn't give a shit what kind of furniture we have, whereas DH furnishes buildings for a living and has very strong opinions :-)

Interesting, but again that's a generalisation

Actually it's psychology. Good for you that you didn't grow up in that environment. Many women did as evidenced here and are learning not to become a product of that environment, or to deal with the consequences.

We don't do 50/50. It's more like 25/25.
same.

My mum and dad (children of the 30's) split the housework 50/50. My dad worked shifts and learned in the army to iron and tidy up, he could already cook and hoover. So I grew up in a house where housework was done by whoever was at home more that day.

It was a HUGE shock to me when I got out in the dating world and started living with men to find that they considered it to be my job. I've yet to find one that feels it's his equal responsibility to cook and clean - they are all very much of the 'but I go to work!' school of thought. As though I don't!

I taught my sons to cook and clean (although they didn't really take it to heart until they left home). DS2 was the 'go to' person when at Uni for all those kids (both m and f) who didn't know how a washing machine worked or how to cook rice!

Actually it's psychology. Good for you that you didn't grow up in that environment. Many women did as evidenced here and are learning not to become a product of that environment, or to deal with the consequences.

Indeed - I studied psychology as part of my training to become a counselor and help people through this kind of issue.

Generalisations are all very well, but how do we use them to move forward?