To think plenty of husbands are like mine re housework?

[NewYorkYankee]

This is a bit lighthearted by the way.. I have read a few threads on here recently talking about DH's who don't lift a finger around the home or do any chores. (NB I'm not talking about the violent / abusive ones, just the ones who don't do their share). I have always wanted to ask about this. I imagine there must be quite a few women (for now I think this discussion mainly applies to straight couples) out there like me who have DH's who grew up in homes where the Mum did all the housework and the Dad expected to be waited on hand and foot. Hence DH and his brother grew up not knowing how to do anything round the home, do laundry, cook dinner etc, whilst his sisters all cooked and cleaned from a young age.

I met DH when he was at Uni and by then he had taught himself the bare necessities, however he still wasn't very proficient at things like cooking a healthy meal from scratch (and not from a freezer), cleaning thoroughly etc. Amazingly, I still found him attractive, and once we lived together he took it upon himself to get better at certain chores because he realised he wouldn't be pulling his weight otherwise. So now he does 50% of chores, but I'm still the better cook and the more thorough cleaner. I guess it's the same old issue that I've seen posted on here that his 'standards' are lower. e.g. he doesn't care if there are things on the surfaces and I do. I know that it could be argued this is just an excuse so he doesn't have to work as hard at the cleaning or whatever, but AIBU to think that men like this genuinely do have lower standards sometimes?

Every time I read a thread about this, MN users are urging the woman to LTB. But surely I can't be the only one with a DH a bit like this? How do other couples with husbands and wives like us manage this?

I’m in my 40’s, have lived with several men. Only one has done his bit AND not seen it as ‘helping’ me.

My husband definitely has lower standards than me and will say things like "we don't live in a show home" etc.
He will do housework but I definitely have to manage it. I find now it's easier to just say (for example) can you go and hoover and polish the living room please while I do the bathroom rather than seeth that I'm busy while he sits watching TV. I've accepted after many years that it's just more of a priority for me than it is for him.

The different standards observation is interesting. Why does it seem that on average men have different standards. Is it just because women around them pick up the pieces so they can lie about this and get away with it, or is it that women have a societal expectation to be houseproud?

My DH was brought up in an Asian culture as its seen as demeaning for a man to do housework. The women hate men doing it too, seen as interfering. If my MIL or SIL see DH lift a finger they can't bear it! They immediately tell him to sit down. However my DH has spent most of his life here so he's well aware we do things differently here. I do 95% of the housework simply because he works insanely long hours and I work half-time in an easy job. If my DH does have time I'd prefer him to be engaging with the children. I have time to do chores and play with kids so I do it. He will do stuff when I ask him. If we both worked full time I'd make sure he did a lot more!! We do have a cleaner so that eases my burden a lot.

I think that younger couples today share 50/50. I married 40 years ago and to be honest my husband worked 7 days a week so I was happy to cover most of the housework, he would do the bins, wash the car, cut the grass etc. Now that he has retired (I haven't) he does all the chores and I just relax when I get home from work. I still do the cooking though as it is something he hasn't got the hang of. Amazes me that for 40 years he couldn't manage the ironing but now that he has time it is easy peasy and he doesn't understand why I used to moan about it!

@RetreatingWeasels I was born in 88 and my parents are EXACTLY like that. DH was born in 84 and so are his.

DH’s standards are definitely lower than mine, but I think it’s because his parents’ house is a shit tip and my folks’ house is immaculate. I just don’t think he sees the mess. He’ll clean the kitchen but leave the loaf of bread on the side rather than in the bread bin. Or he’ll wipe down the surfaces but not do the oventop. If I point it out, he will fix it but perhaps that’s me being overly picky?

My standards are lower than DHs but he has no idea what it's like trying to keep a show home when you have a toddler and a dog.

My parents married in 1972. My Dad has always done the bulk of the housework and cooking. Still does.

I don't accept 'inept' as an excuse. Inexperienced perhaps. However, it's not rocket science. Very easy to teach yourself.

Many years ago, I read about cognitive dissonance as a reason why some women think their husbands really can't do housework the way women can.

When my DH does the laundry he washes /dries then leaves the clean laundry on the bedroom floor(not even folded) what's that all about, would just be left there until I finally put away but this really irritates me

I was born in 1990 and NONE of this resonates. I was from a single parent family but my DM certainly wouldn't have done all the housework alone had she been married. None of my friends parents had that set up either and no one was a SAHM, all the mums worked too.

My ex was born in 87 and he had higher standards of cleaning than me, although he did expect me to do it all when I was a SAHM.

I've also noticed that I'm fine with mess as long as it's my mess. When I live alone I'm totally fine if I didn't hoover that week or left dishes or there is toothpaste in the mirror. But living together it bothers me cause it is not only my mess. When living alone I can clean it whenever I want on whim but together I get annoyed that he doesn't do his share. Although it's because his schedule is not the same. It took a while to learn that I'm not correct.

My DH just has much lower standards, doesn't see the mess that I do. Complains that I'm spending too much time doing housework 'just leave it'. Very annoying but he will never change.

DH also grew up in a house where his Mum did everything and his Dad never even made a cup of tea. The only way we can comfortably live together is to have a cleaner for three hours per week. I am happy to do a few chores in-between because I only work part time. However he does all his own ironing and tackles the garden from time to time, so he's not all bad.

I think the generational thing is a bit of a red herring, I was born in 71 and my Mum and Dad pretty much did 50/50 around the house and both worked. My DH is 60 and at the moment I do more but that's just work related, in the past when I've been full time and working away a lot he was doing about 80%. My ex on the other hand was the same age as me and wouldn't run his own bath never mind anything else. He wasn't unable to clean or blind to what needed doing he was just a lazy arse, I think that some lazy arses are just more creative with their excuses "Mum did everything when I was growing up so I don't know how" :)

but surely no-one born from about the mid 80s would have parents like that?

I disagree. Birh me and my brother were born in the 80s. My mum still did my brothers washing and ironing and cooking when he moved out.

Now he is married and is a sahp and his house is like a show house. Sil does nothing at home and it works for them. Having him at home doing it all means that her downtime, is down time. Is is happy knowing everything at home is taken care of and they get plenty of family time and time as a couple.

wouldn't run his own bath

Who did run his bath?

I was born early 70s and my dad did just as much as mum around the house. He’d never have dreamed of being waited on hand and foot.

Oh but my parents, born in the 50s, have been far more equal.

Mum did more as she always worked very part time. She now works full time and he is retired so he does 99% of it.

My dad did draw the line at still doing everything for my brother. So mum did it all. I totally agreed with my dad. My brother should have been doing it himself, why should dad do it because mum wanted to?

My husband does less childcare and housework than me we both work full time but he is studying for something that he has always passionately wanted to do but never had the back up from previous partners to start. He studies a lot puts a lot of hours in at work and is on placement as well as one weekend every six weeks doing residential training . He has is at college one evening a week but also has several associated meetings and learning hub activities thought the week as trying to be a good dad and husband. He also is a way for a week in the summer studying. He doesn't always get it right but neither do I. The reason why I shoulder most of the domestic burden is purely because he does as much domestic stuff as he can when he is home and he doesn't bother if I dont do it as he realises I'm busy too. This something that will half his salary and we will be poorer for it but I'm lucky to have enough money.yself to support us a bit more if needed. I see this as teamwork we both put in hours for the greater good of our family future. Hopefully in the next 18 months things will change when he finishes his course. He has no hobbies that take him away. I know he would totally support me and back me up in the same way that I do him. We are all very proud because he is stepping out of a predictable well paid job to change all our lives for the better. It's way out of his comfort zone but he pushes on and so do we all.

It's lovely that there are a number of posters whose parents' set up was so equal even back in the 60's / 70's. But I think what this thread shows is that the generational argument is really a red herring. So many people with this experience having been born in the 80's. DH was born in 89 and his Mum is only in her 50's, and yet their household was like something from 1950's suburbia. The patriarchy is still alive and thriving!

Incidentally I'm gloomy about things getting any better any time soon. The app-based culture we are developing may appear to make life easier with our smart homes (Alexa, Nest, Hive, TV's, smartfridges etc) but they have proven that these technologies are inherently sexist in their automated responses, and default to the male viewpoint responses. 🙄 Why? Because they were designed by men of course, because the tech industry is male dominated! (Sighs).

I've got a friend who's only a few years older than me - and I was born in the '80s - and she and her sister were expected to do all the chores while her brother did nothing. Her parents are extremely right-wing and have some very backwards ideas about gender roles.

DH was one of 4 children, born in the 70s and both their parents worked full time. They all had to do their bit around the house, and so DH is more than capable of helping out. I, however, made the mistake of doing nearly everything when we moved in together. Now when his parents visit, his mum is genuinely horrified by his 'put the kettle on Mite' attitude. I will never forget the first time we saw them after he'd moved in with me. He said to his mum 'she doesn't even make me a tea in the morning mum' expecting some sympathy. She replied 'why the fuck should she? Get your lazy arse up and make one for the both of you!'. DH's face was like this

DH's mum is very old, she's 88. (We're mid forties and she had DH very late for those days). She's never worked and waited on her husband hand and foot until he died. He couldn't even fry an egg. She did all the cooking and cleaning. DH didn't go to university or live alone before we moved in together but he's always been clean and tidy and taught himself to cook (because he didn't much like his mum's food).

He's working long hours now and I work from home so naturally do more housework curently, but when he's been out of work it's ben him who has done all the cleaning, cooking and childcare.

I think it's a question of attitude and men who don't do their fair share really are just basically lazy and immature.

Great Thread @NewYorkYankee

@ConFusion360

We both have low standards so we don't do housework 50/50, more like 25/25.

That made me laugh!

@NewYorkYankee Fascinating thread!

Me and DH are in our late 50s.

I have also found myself being the one who does the vast majority the housework, for the 33 years me and DH have been living together (Married 32 since 1987.) We both worked full time when we were younger, and I went part time when we had our first child (early 1990s - and the second was born 2 years later.)

Since the day we met, I have done the lion's share of the housework. I feel it was expected of me by society, by my parents and family, by HIS parents and family, and by acquaintances and colleagues.

I did it for the 7 years before we had our first baby, (and was full time at work,) and I did it after the births of our 2 children, (when I was still doing 24 hours a week in my job (3 full days.)

DH and everyone else definitely thought even more that I should be doing it when I went part time. The poor hard working man won't have time will he, working full time? So let the mug of a working mother (working 3 full days) with 2 young kids do it.

I have even had people saying (usually women) 'have you got his dinner on?' (Even when we both worked full time.) That's right up there with 'do you let her drive the car?' (Yep, I have had that said to me a few times. And by a couple of women too, as well as a couple of men!

Even when he DID do a bit of housework if I was feeling a bit under the weather (and he still does this sometimes,) he sees it as 'helping' me. What makes my blood boil real bad is when I have spent an hour and a half in the kitchen peeling and chopping and boiling and slicing and cooking and standing on my feet, and DH will pop in, grab the knives and forks and put them on the dining table with the table mats and table cloth, and convince himself somehow that he has 'helped me' with dinner.

Also, if I go out for the day, and leave DH home, I will come back to a sink full of washing up, the kitchen a mess, the bathroom needing a clean, and the hoovering not done, but he will have spent 2 hours re-arranging the tins and packets in the pantry and kitchen cupboards, and stand there smiling proudly at how much he has 'helped me' and how much easier I will be able to find stuff now.

Thing is, I cannot find a blasted THING for several WEEKS when he does this!

My mother used to to everything for my dad, and I (and many women I know of my age,) fell into doing it too.

DH is not bone idle per se; he will mow the lawn (although I do most of the general gardening,) he will iron his own clothes, he will maintain/fix the car, he will put up shelves and build furniture, and other various DIY stuff; and if I ask, he will put the washing out,, and run the hoover around. I do have to ASK though. (And as I said, the majority of housework AND childcare has always fallen to me.)