Aibu to confront rude manager

[Superfoodie123]

Hi

I have a manager who is quite rude, at first I thought she was straight talking but she's inconsistent, sometimes nice sometimes incredibly rude.

Eg, in meetings if I suggest something she'll say something like 'we have already discussed that and, no were not doing that' very cut throat, other egs. Will you go down and speak to blah blah and get them to sort the phone out. Then I'll say 'I'm just sorting this first' she'll look me in the eye and rudely say erm we can do that after please go down now (it's as much her job to do that as me) I'm in a medium to senior role so not her assistant.

She's sometimes super nice which I find weird, always after she's been rude so it's like she's trying to make up for it. This whole thing started after she marked up an email of mine to go internally and just worded it the way she would say it but the message was the same. I told her I don't want to be managed this way but suggestions are fine and she seemed cool with it. But now she's being super rude and I really don't like working with her out of fear of more put downs. Im generally feeling anxious because of it.

Any suggestions, how do I approach this in a non awkward way? I hate confrontation

Honestly in reading that it seems like you object strongly to her managing you and any instruction she gives you, I can't see what's rude here, maybe you've not explained it well. It comes across as you feel it's rude for her to ask you to do anything.

I have to agree with @Bluntness100. You’re coming across that your being rude to her.

Is she in a higher position than you?

Is she’s below. Or the same level. Then I wouldn’t like being spoken to like that. I’d go and speak to someone more senior.

You’re.

I know what you mean it reads that way, its one of the reasons I don't want to confront her. It's the way she says it very rudely, she cuts me off when I'm talking, she talks to me like a teacher in front of people. It's hard to describe when her tone of voice is really rude. I'm not her assistant yet she asks me to run around the office and do things she doesn't ask anyone else she manages

None of that reads as rude to me - just direct.

I agree with the others, I'm failing to see how she's being rude. Is she your manager? Are the things she's asking you to do outside the scope of your job?

YABU. No, you’re not her assistant, but she is a manager, and she is doing her job by managing you.

Nothing she has said is rude.

Ok maybe I'm imagining it then? Have been managed by many people but never been spoken down to, in a condescending way. But really hard to describe on here

Nothing sounds rude in your description, you are the one with the issue.

I am not clear about your email story: did she correct something you wrote? Well, that's part of her job. No need to sulk because you don't like it, it's work!

She asks me to send her my emails before I send them off. Is it part of a managers job to micromanage? Have never had this issue before

Does she do it to everyone, or just you?

Maybe she thinks you are a faffer? Maybe your emails do need correcting?
See if you can get some constructive feedback from her which might clear things up.

She asks me to send her my emails before I send them off. Is it part of a managers job to micromanage? Have never had this issue before

yes, it is.

It is usually, not always, because something has been flagged up and management need to keep an eye on something. Or because a new manager want to catch up with things.

It's a pain in the ass to have to babysit an employee, no one does it for fun. YABU to have such a childish reaction about it.

Sounds like every manager I've ever had... (I'm mid senior level too)

OP says it’s her manager in the title.

I’m confused about the email incident OP, she reworded it into her own language and told her you didn’t want to managed like that? Can you explain a bit more?

Some people are very abrupt, it’s not personal. My director is incredibly forthright and can be sweary and pretty brusque at times but you know where you are with her, I never find her unfair, she’s good at getting stuff done quickly and clearly. The people who really don’t like her or her approach are the types who like a lot of chatter and debate, the “but we’ve always done it this way” people.

X post on the email. I’ve never had to get my emails checked before sending them, though if it’s something potentially tricky I’ve asked my manager to have a read as any fall out would need their involvement. I’m sure she’s busy with her own work so agree that by doing this she’s making extra work for herself and there will be a reason for that. Has she flagged any concerns with you?

It sounds like you are both strong personalities. She has seniority and anything she needs you to do will come across as her trying to either micromanage you or talk down to you. I can see where your coming from to an extent, OP.

It sounds like a tension is building up, and I think the need to compromise is important if you stand a chance of working harmoniously with her. It will start to become very noticeable to your colleagues, so you need to nip it in the bud.

It's telling that you feel the need to "confront" her, but you hate confrontation. So you want to be the assailant but you're not happy to have the tables turned on you. You've got to be able to 'eat your own dog-meat'.

I would reframe your thinking, from confrontation to compromise. She is more senior, she is your manager (from what you've said). Are you overstating it when you say she's making you "run around" the office? Or is it that it sticks in your craw that she's asking you to do a somewhat "menial" task. I get that you don't want to turn into a general dogsbody, but could you be the solution and not the problem, by completing the task, then quickly moving on with a minimum of fuss to the jobs that are important?

Doesn't seem that rude to me. You don't like her style though.

you're

I know what you are all saying but it still doesn't sit right with me. I had an annual review a few months ago and she was singing my praises. I've worked with her for a year and the rudeness has come in the last 2 months. 2 colleagues came to me after a meeting to see if I was ok after she dismissed something else I said. She does do it to other people but usually weaker ones now it seems to be my turn

The email was something she wanted to check 'all the relevant documents' were there for a new project we've started but instead she marked up my email eg.

So for example she crossed out me saying 'let me know if this is something you can no longer commit to and we can find an agency' and she put 'if you cannot get those done we will look to find an agency's
So same thing but in her words.

Thank you @VaggieMight. I wouldn't manage anyone like this. I think micro management is old fashioned

I think people on here are not understanding what you are saying OP. People need to realise that it is hard to write down details when the issue is often nuanced and subtle or indirect. You say it is her manner and her tone. That she cuts you off, speaks condescendingly in front of other people and that she needlessly rewords your email and that others have come to check you are OK as it is obvious to others present at the time that the manager is being unacceptably rude. That all sounds very peculiar and I am amazed anyone on here thinks that any of that is acceptable.

VaggieMight
I do manage a team as it happens, and I much prefer to deal with professional adults than having to babysit unprofessional characters - it's a complete waste of my time! better spent on MN clearly

I haven't read anything that the manager has done wrong here, just that the OP took exception of a manager correcting an email!

I wouldn't confront her, but I do think that having a talk to about it the next time an incident happens would be a good idea.
You could give her an way out, by saying that you are not sure if she realises what she is doing but her tone and attitude to you has recently become condescending and if there is an issue you'd like to discuss it without creating an atmosphere.